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Nobody Tells You…..

So I figured since last week I talked shit about Jesus – and you were all down with that – this week nobody would mind if I discussed another taboo topic, which is my period.



Anyways – this is all I want to say.  There are a lot of things that happened to my body since I got pregnant.  Many of these “subtle” transformations I had been told might happen (permanently increased foot size, saggy boobs.)  Other changes….. not so much, (permanently increased finger size??? and permanently increased period size???)

As I had to excuse myself at work this week, two times in the course of two hours – to change a tampon, I thought,

“This is so disgusting – people probably think I have diarrhea.  How come nobody warns you about this?” 

That was after the tampon machine ate my quarter that I had borrowed from someone!!  (Oh – and try asking someone casually for a quarter by the way.)

“For what?”

“Oh…um…. a gumball from the um ….gumball machine…….”

Someone (my doctor, my mother, other people’s mothers, anyone?????) should really say “Oh just so you know – after you have kids – your period will pour out of you like the Niagara Falls!!”

Well nobody told me – so the first time I woke up with my period after having my son – I looked at my husband and I thought someone had murdered him. It was pretty much like the scene from The Godfather when the guy wakes up with a horse head in his bed.

For those of you who have not gotten pregnant yet – right now when you get your period – it is not a big deal.  

You can put a little Q-tip-size tampon in and still do fun activities like the girl below – with no worries!!!

Just in case you were wondering – I am here to tell you that upon giving birth, your boyfriend will no longer play airplane with you like that. 

Number one – he will never be able to lift you with just his legs again.

Number two – If he stuck both of his feet on your abdomen like that when you were menstruating you would both be drenched in blood.

I too, used to use a “slender” tampon for “light days.” 

After childbirth you will never have a “light day” again (literally and figuratively of course.) 

The flow is not the only supersized aspect of the equation, by the way.  Every symptom seems to get worse with age.  The few days before my period – I used to get mild cravings and a little bitchy.

Let’s just say I am now known to eat everything in the entire house and be a little teensy bit more irritable and psychotic.  Let’s also say that my stomach can now bloat to the size it was when a human being was living in it. 

This is the shirt I usually wear on the days I am bloated - this way I avoid all those pesky questions about if I am pregnant or not.....

And of course all of these leaking tampons of course leads to a drawer filled with destroyed  underwear.

One time my husband and I went to see a comedian and he said after he first got married he went to the bathroom sink and saw something soaking in it. 

He took it out and held it up – and called to his wife,

“Why are you soaking the pillowcase?”

She said, “I’m not – those are my period underwear.”

I laughed so hard I cried. 

Then I thought about how I used to have tons of matching sets of bras and underwear that were gorgeous from Victoria’s Secret that were not stained from breast milk and periods.

Then I cried some more.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Thank God that I am here to inform people of what horrors are to come upon giving birth……Please vote for me by clicking the banner below as a token of appreciation!! XO Lady Goo Goo Gaga


16 responses »

  1. Absolutely a head scratcher. Why aren’t we more open about the perils of popping seven pounds of playdough out of our pud? No doubt stuff shifts and separates…and yet, all we seem to do is grimace…smile (as in shock)…lactate…and then pop out another.

  2. I’m one of the lucky(????) ones who had a gusher of a period pre-birth. Like, pregnancy and breastfeeding were welcome reliefs from the crampy red tide I’d had since I was 12. I’m happy to report that my periods post-baby are actually not as bad as they used to be. So if you’ve never been able to wear light tampons, things might look up a bit.

  3. Mine are definitely not as intense as they used to be. The cramps were dreaded, they made me sick to the point of vomiting every month, even on an empty stomach. Since I had my first baby, no more pain, and I don’t feel they are any heavier. Now, one year after my last delivery, they seem lighter than before – most of the time.

    One tip, no need to soak blood stains if washed right away with cold water. Even after overnight, a good scrub with soap and COLD water will get it all out. But if you leave it longer, then yes, it will be harder to remove. Never use hot water as that will ‘bake’ the stain in.

  4. hilarious! my friend tells me about this all the time! no one ever told her either! i’ve been pregnant or nursing for the past five years….soon to be over…am not looking forward to this!

  5. lovely…just keep your pads out of the front seat of my car, especially when I’m meeting work people for a meeting on a monday morning.

    sorry, that comment was meant for my teenage daughter

  6. After giving birth to my 2nd (10 lb’er by the way, yeah…there is no badge for that) my lady bits were all sorts of broken up. She broke my pubic bone. I peed on the floor for six months every time I stood up. Glamorous, no? I was like a wash and wear hermit covered in bodily fluid and groaning when I walked. Then, insult to injury … menorrhagia. Another word for “you are going to bleed for 30 days, take 2 days off and then do it all over again. And probably not die.” I had to have my “ute boiled” as my husband delicately put it (ablation surgery). The operation was mostly successful. I no longer bleed out and crave raw red meat. Yay me! When pregnant women and new mom’s ask about my birth story, I snort and point them in another direction.

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  8. Love! ( I mean.. HATE…but love the post! )
    I have to tell Seven all of the time… “Honey, I’m hemmorhaging. I may be dead by morning. Take care of the kids.. Love you. 😉 “

  9. Oh my gosh! This makes my post about PMS sound like a fairy tale. Loved this! I laughed out loud about the gum balls and then that dumb add. Was that for real? So freaking hilarious!

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