So I figured since last week I talked shit about Jesus – and you were all down with that – this week nobody would mind if I discussed another taboo topic, which is my period.
ALERT – DAD AND MR. GAGA IF YOU ARE READING THIS ….
CEASE AND DESIST – AND TUNE BACK IN NEXT WEEK.
Anyways – this is all I want to say. There are a lot of things that happened to my body since I got pregnant. Many of these “subtle” transformations I had been told might happen (permanently increased foot size, saggy boobs.) Other changes….. not so much, (permanently increased finger size??? and permanently increased period size???)
As I had to excuse myself at work this week, two times in the course of two hours – to change a tampon, I thought,
“This is so disgusting – people probably think I have diarrhea. How come nobody warns you about this?”
That was after the tampon machine ate my quarter that I had borrowed from someone!! (Oh – and try asking someone casually for a quarter by the way.)
“Oh…um…. a gumball from the um ….gumball machine…….”
Someone (my doctor, my mother, other people’s mothers, anyone?????) should really say “Oh just so you know – after you have kids – your period will pour out of you like the Niagara Falls!!”
Well nobody told me – so the first time I woke up with my period after having my son – I looked at my husband and I thought someone had murdered him. It was pretty much like the scene from The Godfather when the guy wakes up with a horse head in his bed.
For those of you who have not gotten pregnant yet – right now when you get your period – it is not a big deal.
You can put a little Q-tip-size tampon in and still do fun activities like the girl below – with no worries!!!
Just in case you were wondering – I am here to tell you that upon giving birth, your boyfriend will no longer play airplane with you like that.
Number one – he will never be able to lift you with just his legs again.
Number two – If he stuck both of his feet on your abdomen like that when you were menstruating you would both be drenched in blood.
I too, used to use a “slender” tampon for “light days.”
After childbirth you will never have a “light day” again (literally and figuratively of course.)
The flow is not the only supersized aspect of the equation, by the way. Every symptom seems to get worse with age. The few days before my period – I used to get mild cravings and a little bitchy.
Let’s just say I am now known to eat everything in the entire house and be a little teensy bit more irritable and psychotic. Let’s also say that my stomach can now bloat to the size it was when a human being was living in it.
And of course all of these leaking tampons of course leads to a drawer filled with destroyed underwear.
One time my husband and I went to see a comedian and he said after he first got married he went to the bathroom sink and saw something soaking in it.
He took it out and held it up – and called to his wife,
“Why are you soaking the pillowcase?”
She said, “I’m not – those are my period underwear.”
I laughed so hard I cried.
Then I thought about how I used to have tons of matching sets of bras and underwear that were gorgeous from Victoria’s Secret that were not stained from breast milk and periods.
Then I cried some more.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Thank God that I am here to inform people of what horrors are to come upon giving birth……Please vote for me by clicking the banner below as a token of appreciation!! XO Lady Goo Goo Gaga