RSS Feed

Monthly Archives: July 2011

Birds and Bees

We had a nice visit the past two weeks with my aunt and cousins from Baltimore.  It was luxurious having an eleven year old girl and thirteen year old boy readily available to play with my kids.  To top it off – these children are very mild-mannered and quiet, so it would be a bonus if either of those attributes could possibly rub off on my two maniacs.  The Baltimore children, I am sure – are recovering from the Lady Goo Goo Gaga household.  Let’s just say they are occasionally horrified surprised by the things that I say.  Let’s also just say that they have happened to be here two years in a row when I attend the annual High-Stakes Bingo event – and threaten to drop kick the bingo wheel and call the lady announcing the winners a “stupid bitch.”  They might have found my behavior alarming – and talked about it all winter.  I chalk it up to the fact that they are southerners not used to the no filter  “to-the-point” charm of us Northeasterners.

I texted my aunt today to let her know that she had forgotten a few things and this was her response:

“OK – thanks.  Also – just so you know, Sam asked Nat if she wore makeup and when she said “no,” he asked her if her boobs were real.”

After I fainted and my husband woke me up with smelling salts, I answered: “So sorry – I am not quite sure how he even knows that fake boobs are an option since he just turned 4.  We will discuss this matter with him.”

O to the M to the G.  These people who we see once a year, probably already think I am the craziest mother in the world. Now they probably think my 4 year-old son must be growing up on a steady diet of Baywatch and Real Housewives of Orange County or dining regularly at Hooters.   How else would he think to ask such an inappropriate question?

You might find it inappropriate, but Sam's 4 year-old birthday party at Hooters was a huge success.....

I had to address this situation.  I said “Sam – did you ask Natalie if she wore make-up?” to open up the discussion.   My older son jumped right in….

“Yeah – then he asked her if her boobs were real!!” he said laughing.

I stared at Sam.  He looked at me and shrugged and said “Sorry.” nonchalantly.

“Why – would you say that?” I demanded.

“Well – when I have playdates with Jennifer (who is his “girlfriend” from preschool and will be discussed at a future post)….she always shows me her boobs!  But they are not real boobs!! They are just nickels!!”  he explained very seriously.

My husband, my son all looked at him as he finished his explanation. 

“What? All the time she does that….and I never ask her to!!” he pleaded.

I tried to keep a stern look on my face but then I busted out laughing, and was quickly joined by both boys.   My husband shook his head, chuckling.

YOU are the problem,” he said to me in regards to my inappropriate child, as I doubled over in laughter.

“I can’t help it,” I said – in between hysterical laughs….”I am just so happy he wasn’t referring to silicone implants I don’t even care….”

Maybe I fell down on the job with my parenting today – but at least it’s funny!!! Just please click on the banner below to vote for LADY GOO GOO GAGA!!!!


Beach Blanket Bingo

I don’t get out much. 

When our beach community hosts their annual “High Stakes Bingo” night it is a very exciting event. They set up a huge tent in the parking lot of the beach, adjacent to the boat basin and everyone goes after dinner in hopes of winning some great prizes and having some good old-fashioned fun.  I know….pathetic.

There are 15 games and for $10 you get a card for each game.  You can skip a game and play more cards for items you really want – like a Kindle or flat-screen TV.  I take all of this very seriously.  I was visiting a friend all day and came screeching home on 2 wheels so I could have time to feed everyone and take a shower and get there a little early to get a good seat so I could see what I was going to win.

I had discussed this with my friend during the day. 

“Well – I think you should get 5 cards,” she said.

$50 on BINGO? No – I can’t – because then if I don’t win I will be furious.” I said.

I decided on 2 sets of cards for $20.

It was the hottest day of the year of course – so pulling on jean capris was a nightmare.  My sister said “How could you wear jeans? It’s too hot!”

I said “I know – but when I jump up and scream “Bingo!!” I don’t want anyone to see my thong – so I can’t wear a skirt or dress.”

She stared at me like I was insane.

We had prime seats when we got there 15 minutes early and got our cards and stampers ready.  I had a good feeling.

That was until game after game – I lost.  I would be so close.  I would need just two more spots to have the “X” or the classic Bingo….I could taste the words in my mouth, then some rotten kid or old lady would yell “Bingo!!” really loud.  Their table would cheer for them, and they would go up to the prize table and accept their prize and come back grinning from ear-to-ear. 

One 10-year-old boy who won actually sat for one whole hour with a huge box holding an IPOD dock on his lap, just smiling into the sunset.   What an asshole.  My aunt and cousin were to the right of me – at one point my aunt said “Karl – I will give you $20 if you take that kid’s prize and smash it into a million pieces.”

We should not be let out of the house.

I became more and more disgruntled with each game.   What the hell is a 90- year-old going to do with a Razor scooter?  What does an 8-year-old girl want with a fire pit?  There was  boy up front cranking a metal caged wheel that would spit out little balls with the numbers on them.

“B11,” he would drone on…….”G47″

I had an urge to go to the front and pick up the metal cage wheel and punt it like a soccer ball into the boat basin.  If I did that – all the little balls would come shooting out and bounce all over the parking lot.  Then NOBODY could win.  The letter caller guy would be sitting there in shock and I would punch him in the face and grab his microphone.  I would look at everyone and say “Who has BINGO now – bitches?”  – then I would turn around and flip the prize table over like Theresa Guidice. 

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

That would be awesome!!  Everyone would probably be screaming and trying to gather their things and run away – but then I would run around kicking down all the poles holding up the tent so it would fall on people and they would be stuck under the canvas  and not notice when I take the Kindle and the IPad2 and run to my car and peel out.  Anyone who could crawl out from the canvas tent would be met with a cloud of smoke and gravel in their face.

OK – I started this post with “I need to get out more.” I admittedly have a problem with not enough excitement in my life and perhaps I am a teensy bit overly competitive.  Tune in next week – after the “Board Games at the Beach” night!

Clearly I don’t like losing – I would feel much better if you vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs!! I have to win something for god sakes!!!!!!!

Linking to Shell at POUR YOUR HEART OUT

Beach Mode

We are on vacation – which means that LADY GOO GOO GAGA is no longer interested in parenting or caring for her children.  Her top priorities are eating food, drinking wine, and reading US Weekly on the beach.

As a result, my children now eat a steady rotation of CARS 2 cereal, Fluffernutters, and hot dogs.  (Add in an ice cream from the ice cream man and that about rounds out the daily meal.)  As I have mentioned before, I am Italian and I take food very seriously – so this meal plan is a clear indication of how “checked out” I actually am.

The other day on the beach I was attempting to read my book, The Hunger Games Trilogy, and ignoring my children.  I was rudely interrupted  by mothers screaming from the boardwalk that my children were spitting water at each other – and apparently getting their saliva on others in the process.  I had to put my book down and get up and walk to the boardwalk.  On my way, a mother – (from what do you know – my hometown!!! They follow me everywhere) says…

“Your children are spitting at each other…and getting water on everyone.”

You know what? It’s the effing beach….so I don’t care if someone got a little spit on them – we just swam in the Long Island Sound all day.  Do you really think a little water and saliva from a 4-year-old is going to make or break the germ situation?  Why did I just have to put down my beach book to deal with this bullshit? I AM ON VACATION.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - "I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care."

This isn’t me, it is Britney Spears – but we are thinking the same thing – “I don’t know where my kids are – and I don’t care.”

All parenting is on hiatus.  Oh – what’s that?  One more episode of Spongebob Squarepants?? Sure. Sounds awesome.  Let me just have another glass of wine.

Oh, what did you say?  Your brother just catapulted you out of the hammock and you hit your head on the metal pole? Oh – that’s sad for you – here’s an ice cream sandwich.

What? I can’t hear you over the sound from the blender making Miami Vices!  You want to go climb on the rocks by the beach and pee on them instead of going to the bathroom?   Sounds great!!!

Poor kids – hopefully the slight relief of helicopter parenting will benefit them – maybe one day they will say – “Remember when we were little and we would go on vacation to the beach – and Mommy never watched us or talked to us and let us do whatever we wanted? Good times…”



10 Things I Wish For Independence Day

1 – My children will independently solve all their problems and fights.  They will independently share the Ipad, the Leapster and all other toys and devices that we only have one of.

2 – My kids’ teachers will independently teach their classes.  When I say independently I mean with help from para-professionals and student teachers; not ME or any other mother who comes along, that would otherwise be home scrapbooking or watching “The View,” but is now magically qualified to teach reading.

 3 – My children will independently be able to walk to and wait for the bus, (while I sleep.)

4 – Max and Ruby will no longer have to live independently. (My husband wanted me to mention this, because he has a strange obsession about a children’s show that features bunnies with no parents.)

5 – Other moms and dads will look at me, size me up, and independently realize that I don’t want to talk to them or their kid.

6 – Nobody will ever say they wet the bed or they are thirsty at 6 am.  I will open my eyes when I am independently ready to wake up.

7 – My boys will remain independent for a long time (maybe until they are 30) so there won’t be any annoying, bitchy girlfriends ruining everything.

8 – The fat cells in my stomach and thighs will independently melt away, even if  I continue to eat Carvel ice cream cake and popcorn on a regular basis.

9 – My kids will independently find a spot for every little Lego, Bakugan card and itty-bitty G.I. Joe rifle in their room, and these pieces will be in said spot every night before bed.

10 – My children’s private parts will independently shoot urine into the designated toilet, without misfires on the wall, floor or hand towel.



%d bloggers like this: