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Making my bed and sleeping in it….


This past week I finished a project that had me coming home Wednesday night from NYC at 1:30 am.  I turned off my son’s alarm in hopes we could all sleep in, miss the bus, and I could bring him to school late. (How much really gets done in the first 2 hours of first grade anyways?)

So – of course – Sam came into my room at 6:30 am.

“Mom.” 

If I play dead maybe he will leave. 

“Mom!!” he said louder.

“Hhmmp.” I grumbled.

“Mom – I can see your butt crack and your underwear.”

Somebody make him stop talking!!!

“Mom, do you know there’s something you can buy that goes on under your shirt…..it covers your butt and your belly.”

“Hmmm, Hmmm.” I answered.

“and even if you reach high up for something on a high shelf…..your belly and butt still don’t show…….you should buy it.”

So while I was gone – he has seen extensive infomercials…….I’m up.  Today is going to be horrible.

You know your muffin-top is out of control when your 4-year-old tells you to buy a “trendy-top wrap.” Note the photo to the far-left where the woman is “reaching for something on a high shelf.”

So that day was rough.  I was so tired I felt sick.  The feeling was very familiar – like a feeling I had long ago in a past life…..

When did I feel this bad before??

Oh right, it was the time I spent 4 years straight either pregnant and/or breastfeeding a newborn.  That was the kind of tired that nobody can explain to you.  It was just sleep deprivation to the core of your soul that takes years to recover from.  That period of time did irreparable damage to my body and soul.

What I learned this week is that I’m too old for this shit.

I think that little 4-year stint really did a number on me – and now I NEED SLEEP.

When I was done breastfeeding my second child, close to 5 years ago!!!  I told Mr. Gaga I would never wake up in the night again.  I explained to him that I had done my duties and now I needed to sleep.  He kind of agreed or ignored me or something – but what he didn’t realize (I didn’t realize it either to be honest) is that at that moment – something in my brain and my eardrums clicked off. 

I never woke up in the night again.

I cannot be woken up.

It’s a problem.

A few months into this new development, I remember coming downstairs to see a glaring Mr. Gaga.

“Aren’t mothers supposed to have some sort of maternal instincts that make them want to help their kids?” he asked with disgust.

“Um yeah – why?” I asked with trepidation.

“Well last night Sam called for you like 30 times, and you never came.  Then he gave up and started calling for Dora to save him….don’t you think that’s a problem?”

“What? I had no idea!! I didn’t hear him!!” I protested.

That was like 4 years ago – and things have not gotten better.

When we have stayed at my parents’ house overnight I share a room with Sam (who has night terrors and screams bloody murder every night.)  Needless to say I sleep right through all of his shenanigans.  

My father who is in his 60’s, exhausted, and sleeps on another floor of the house with his door shut – will come running in from his room in the middle of the night.

“LADY!! LADY!!” he will yell at me to wake up.

“What???”

“Sam has been screaming and crying for like 15 minutes!!! Don’t you hear him??”

I think we all know the answer to that question.

The icing on the cake was when we went away last year with my brother and his wife and daughter.  One of the nights we didn’t have enough room; so Mr. Gaga and I slept on the couches in the living room and the kids slept on an air-mattress right in front of the couch.

Like an inch away.

So the next morning, I heard rustling in the kitchen.  I hopped up, stretched and made my way to the coffee.  The kids were eating with my brother and his family.

My brother looked at me with disgust when I sat down at the table.

“What?” I asked.

“You are a horrible mother.” he said with disdain.

I am used to these kind of negative remarks from him, so I wasn’t too fazed.

“Why now?” I asked with boredom perusing the morning paper.

“Well – when Sam screamed at the top of his lungs for 20 minutes right next to your face and you didn’t wake up – I decided to come out and help him.”

“Oh thanks.” I said.

“Yeah – great – except that when I  leaned down to tuck him into his blankets, I realized that your tank top was askew and your entire boob was out.”

I choked on my coffee and spit it out with laughter.

“Oh, sorry about that.”

Let’s face it – nobody wants to wake up for someone else’s kid in the first place – and on top of that – nobody wants to see their sister’s boob.

To add insult to injury it’s not like my boobs are like Pamela Anderson’s!  As I have mentioned before – my children have deformed my body from top to bottom – but my boobs have taken the greatest hit.

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

Alas, this whole motherhood situation is exhausting, and apparently I cannot survive without a solid night’s sleep anymore.  It will take me three weeks to recover from that week in New York.

I keep realizing new ways in which I am old…….and tired.

Will we ever not be tired again? Or is this the end of the road?

Will we wake up at 50 and like Oprah say “I feel great – I’ve never felt better!”?

I have a sneaking suspicion….that only happens to Oprah.

I know you probably don’t want to vote for someone who flashes her brother and ignores her children’s cries for help – but I am helping everyone around me to develop strong coping mechanisms!!!  Please click the banner below!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Top ten reasons why going “back to school” sucks


This week has really sucked.  I mentioned last week how I have been enjoying myself and I was forced into reality this week.  My last week of summer and the kids and myself were sick all week and then we had a hurricane.

Can you say quick spiral into depression?

I am so not into back to school mode – and not to be “Debbie Downer”- but the following is my top ten reasons why going back to school sucks:

1 – No Sleep: Lord help me – I have to wake up. My kids don’t sleep late – so I have been spending the whole summer letting them stay up watching inappropriate television, playing outside, going to the movies on the beach, in an effort to have them wake up late.  It worked perfectly.  We are now on a great schedule where we wake up between 8 and 8:30 and squeal into 9:00 camp on two wheels, the kids in ratty t-shirts and shorts, a pop-tart in one hand and a towel in the other.  When school starts the kids need a healthy breakfast, a packed snack and healthy lunch, matching clothing, brushed teeth and clean faces.  Michael’s bus comes at 8:05 am.  I’m screwed.

During the school year – I try to make something fun and healthy for breakfast like this!
During the summer – late nights coupled with lots of wine drinking often resulted in the kids eating a
breakfast on the go – usually whatever I could grab and hand to them…..See below:
 
 
 
 

 

2 -Rag Rotation: Just when I had gotten completely used to my summer “rags” -http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/riches-to-
rags/
I am going to soon have to face another season of not having all of the appropriate clothing items I need to be trendy and fabulous.  These items would include anything that hides my muffin top and is not from the Old Navy. 

3 – Sickness: Like the little weather game – a bunch of illnesses were thrown our way this week to remind us not to get too comfortable with all the fresh air and good health.  Soon my children will be surrounded by bird flu and head lice and filthy snot-nosed children that don’t comb their hair.  http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/tangled/

This week we were all sick and it is the first of probably 30 illnesses before next spring.

4 – Hurricanes and Nor’easters and Earthquakes: Apparently – in an effort to throw me right back into the reality that is the school year – the universe threw a whole bunch of weather our way this week.  This way I could feel the effects of staying in the house
for long periods of time, cooking, cleaning and playing UNO.

The winter is soooo long and soooo torturous.  On top of the obvious unpleasantness of being stuck in the house with children – I notice all of the chores I have neglected and am forced to clean and organize and cook.   I have mentioned before I lounge around during the summer, see below:

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

And while I am doing this -this is what my sink looks like:

This is what my sink looks like while I am at the beach- but guess what ...you cannot be happy or achieve a beautiful bronze skin tone by sitting around scrubbing pots and pans.....

You can’t notice the dishwasher needs to be emptied if you are reading US Weekly on the beach!

5 – A return to the bus stop: The last time we were there was after Michael punched some asshole in the face on the last day of school. 

Oh how I hate these people, and oh how I hate that they are the very first faces I see besides my own and my kids each day….Please read about my bus stop adventures if you missed it the first go-round – http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/26/the-fiery-gates-of-our-bus-stop/ You will not be disappointed.

6- Playdates: When does this actually end? My phone was blowing up this week from Moms that had children “just dying to see Michael!” or who’s son is “devastated that Sam isn’t in his class!!” – so “we have to do a playdate!” 

Really? 

It’s called they will see you on the first day of school – and by the way – Sam isn’t in his class because your kid is a monster and I requested that they be separated.  Just sayin….

7 – Birthday Parties: I am not kidding that we already got two birthday invitations this week.  Thank Jesus – one was for today and was postponed due to the hurricane.  Otherwise – we spend at least one day of every weekend participating in some birthday festivities for
children we barely know. (you know because you have to invite all 22 children from your class to your birthday) 

The last one we went to during this summer was quite the fiasco…http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/last-friday-night/

8 – No Camp:  Have I mentioned that I love the “beach camp” that the kids go to that is from 9 – 12 (break for lunch) and then 1-2:30?  Um – that is the most free-time I have had since college. 

See - this is me with some of my "mommy friends" enjoying a pool party while our kids are atcamp.....I'm just not going to have time for these kind of things during the school year.....

Now we are back to dumb-ass preschool which goes from about 9:00 am to 9:20 am and then on Fridays they do a shortened session so pick up is at 9:14 am.  I can maybe go
home and take a shower and then I have to go back and pick up.  It’s a joke. 

9 – Room Mothers: Have you met these people? They are insane! They have endless amounts of energy and take interest in all things related to their child and his or her class.  They inadvertently make me feel bad with their endless email updates and requests for volunteers that are “much-needed” and “so- appreciated!” 

One time I volunteered to help with a “Kindergarten regatta.” When I got there my job was to turn on the hose to fill the pool for the boats.  Really? You really need a volunteer for this?? 

This is me waiting at the arts and crafts table for someone to get me the hose....this kid kept asking for help with his letters ...so annoying.

These room mothers are also the people who request that we each send in $20 for the holiday gift for the teacher.  I mentioned the class was 22 children right??

10 – My babies are old:  Despite all my bitching about nonsense – the truth of the matter is that this is my last year with my son in preschool and next year he will be in full-day kindergarten and I will be left home with my dishwasher and my US Weekly that I have been coveting so much.  I have a feeling when I can finally read the dang thing – it’s not going to be nearly as fun or entertaining as my kids…

Thank god I have you guys – My loyal fans!! 

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“pouring my heart out” with www.thingsicantsay.com

 

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