It’s beginning to look at lot like summer.
NOT because my kids have even been out of school a week yet! And NOT because the sun has been shining in grand old Connecticut, and NOT because I have even the slightest hint of a tan!
There are other tell-tale signs that it’s summer in the Gaga household.
First things first – my book club takes a summer hiatus so I promptly swap out my intellectual reads for the good stuff….
I mean how much perfect mothering am I supposed to do? How many months a year can I keep up the façade??
The answer is 10…10 months is all I can do.
July and August is time to relax.
During the school year I try to hide hideous clothing that makes my children look like the rest of the little boys in our town.
The popular look in town among small boys is a look that is best-described as a homeless child with high-water pants, uncombed hair, and ratty t-shirts from Walmart. It is a strange phenomenon but inevitably the children with the most educated, wealthy and well-dressed parents will usually look the most homeless.
Now that I am in summer-mode, I don’t really care what the kids wear, I don’t care if they match, and as a special treat I even dug out this hideous thing for Sam that I had hidden in the back of his closet.
The last morning of school (which was Tuesday by the way due to Storm Sandy) there was not one ounce of my soul that wanted to make one more fucking healthy lunch for my children.
Everything has to be just perfect, and this kid won’t eat turkey and this kid won’t eat strawberries and this kid wants to sit with his friend who hates peanut butter.
The kid’s school has taken on a campaign to eat healthy and foods are divided up into categories to tell how bad they are.
They are either “Go” which means healthy, “slow” which means kind of healthy and “Whoa” meaning not healthy at all and you are a fat piece of shit and dangerously close to riding a motorized cart around Disney World.
If I had to endure one more early morning of listening to the kids tell me that putting popcorn or granola bars in their lunch isn’t good because they are ”slow” foods, while simultaneously heating up Italian Wedding Soup (the only thing Michael will eat) and making a pepperoni sandwich (Sam’s preferred lunch) I was going to slit my throat.
The last day of school couldn’t come fast enough.
So the minute they got home from school I emptied out their lunch boxes and opened the basement door and drop-kicked those Pottery Barn rip-offs down the stairs.
This was their lunch today and yesterday and possibly everyday until September:
I also am so happy to not have to wake up and go to that god-damned bus stop. I like to use July and August to catch up on lost sleep. I instruct the children to not bother me under any circumstance and try to leave a healthy breakfast readily accessible for them in the morning.
This summer I think I am going to attempt to lay off the wine and be in more of a vodka-induced haze. It seems more summer-y.
This is my new favorite summer beverage, I currently have a big old jug of it calling my name.
A jug of something doesn’t cut it.
Once summer hits the kids and I usually try to hit the road and live at the beach as much as possible. Of course, like any responsible and caring wife I leave Mr. Gaga a very long “to-do” list.
So today on the first day we have had free to do what we please, he was very busy
fixing the leaky kitchen faucet, painting the bathroom, installing something very important on the deck.
Despite the fact that it’s supposed to rain for the next 5 days…the Gaga’s are ready for summer.
If you happen to see a fat lady drinking spiked lemonade, eating fluff sandwiches, reading an US Weekly, and ignoring filthy children in Ninja Turtle shirts you just might have figured out my identity.
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XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA