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Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!


I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800’s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?

Mine!

Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE!  I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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What I Learned 2012


As I looked back over my blog entries for 2012 I realized that it has been a long and interesting year.

I have learned a lot about myself and more importantly about all of you and what you find interesting and what you can relate to.

My most-read post of the year was my letter, “Dear Beyonce” which was posted after she rented an entire floor of a hospital in New York City to give birth to her child.

I actually received a lot of hate comments for that one, as well as praise.  If you review the comments you will notice some insane Beyonce lovers chimed in…..

Was this post so popular because those of us who are mothers like to warn new moms what to expect?

Or is it sadly that we have become a celebrity-obsessed culture that reads US Weekly as regularly and whole-heartedly as generations before us would read Time and Newsweek?  That we are just so obsessed with every minute detail of the lives of the rich and famous that we tune in to read about anything diva-related?

Sadly, as an avid US Weekly reader, I think it’s the latter.

In the beginning of last year, I was grappling with how to work and maintain my household, my sanity and not let looks go completely down the toilet.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work.........

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work………with blatant disregard for my moustache and camel-toe…..

In the spring, I hadn’t much headway in the looks department, but I had at least stopped working as much so I had time to sleep.  I shared how I still am trying to catch up on sleep I lost when I was breastfeeding.

I also, shared a tale of how I was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t wake up in time to save my poor brother from seeing my boob hanging out of my shirt one morning.

I have mentioned before how my boobs have really become deformed since the children destroyed my body from head to toe….my poor, poor brother.

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

This spring, as 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves, I learned a lot about trends in America for women.  First, I was shocked to discover that apparently everyone just has oodles of time to sit home and masturbate all day while they fantasize about being handcuffed and beaten.

Who knew?

breakfast bubble

Then, just as I was recovering from this news, I had to find out that women right and left were chowing down on their own placenta.  

As if that wasn’t offensive enough, “ways of feeding American children” reached a new low when Alicia Silverstone was all over the news demonstrating how she chews up food and spits it into her child’s mouth.

This kind of weird parenting could result in children that are complete freaks.

They could end up being total cry babies, that whine and complain about everything….

This was the behavior that basically every child exhibited on my son’s baseball team this summer.

Oh and while the boys roam the fields looking for mushrooms and shit their pants while they are running to the wrong base, their parents could care less.

It was absolutely astonishing. Hopefully next season will be better!

This dad of one of the players, put his IPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again......

This dad of one of the players, put his iPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again……

After baseball was over, we went on a crazy “vacation” with my in-laws, and then went to the beach for the rest of the summer, which was lovely.

Then we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair's very balanced meal....

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair’s very balanced meal….If any kindergartener had any doubt about if Blair’s mother loved her or not…I think it will be quite clear after this lunch is revealed……

In October, we were yet again devastated by a storm.

You would think we would be prepared since the last storm, but we weren’t.

So I had to brave the stores searching for batteries and water.  It wasn’t pretty.

Don't be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

Don’t be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

We survived with minimal damage, but I hosted my Thanksgiving run and raised money for victims of Storm Sandy in New York.

In December, I have taken a lot of time to reflect on life and the world that we live in after the absolutely heart-breaking school shooting that happened here in Connecticut.

We have a lot to think about and change to make sure that our children can grow up safe and happy and healthy.

But when I had a spare moment during the holidays, I did have time to make fun of people who decorate their vehicles with antlers and noses.

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Please leave me a comment letting me know what was your favorite post of 2012….BESIDES “DEAR BEYONCE!!!”

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Storm before the Storm


So remember last year when Storm Alfred came to Connecticut and destroyed everyone’s life?

We lost power for ten days and I learned some tough lessons.

So this time I am going to be better prepared.

First things first, last year I washed my hair the night before we lost power and woke up with no ability to fix the situation, minus a hairdryer and flatiron.

Needless to say, walking around like this for 10 days didn’t help my already depressed spirits.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator…..

Last night, I came home from a party and took the time to color my hair and wash and condition it.

This morning I blew it dry and flat-ironed the shit out of it.  I am not going to be caught in a homeless shelter with frizzy hair again…..fool me once.

Also, I have charged every single Nintendo DS, Ipad, phone, and Leapster I could find.  I will not get stuck playing UNO Attacks and Star Wars Operation for 10 straight days.  At least the electronic devices will buy me some time.

Meanwhile, while I was tending to all of this important business, Mr. Gaga kept leaving me notes and texts to “Go get water and batteries for the flashlights” and “Go get gas.”

He is a complete lunatic about the weather so I usually try to tune him out as much as possible to maintain sane and rational about inclement weather.

I kept deleting his messages, thinking he was completely dramatic.  It was only Friday and the storm wouldn’t be here until Monday.

In general – whether it’s a small spring shower or a tsunami, it’s basically like living with Helen Hunt from “Twister.” He watches the doppler radar like it’s his job and tells me which direction winds are blowing and talks in inches and temperatures while I stare at him blankly.

After I went to lunch with a girlfriend I had an hour before picking up the kids off the bus, so I figured I would run and grab water and batteries so that Mr. Gaga would be happy.

As I pulled into Target I started to get a clue that people had already completely lost their marbles.

Apparently these drama queens were mad that there was no bread…..I walked past them and searched for a cart……

My second clue that I was in trouble was that the area that usually housed the carts was now filled with tumbleweeds.    I ran to the water aisle.

Just as I suspected…..more tumbleweeds.

As I turned around and headed for the batteries, I noticed one little sad, crushed gallon of water on the floor.  I grabbed it and ran through the aisle like a maniac to the batteries.  The board that held batteries was empty of course.

Don’t be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

I grabbed a flashlight that came with batteries, because at least that way I would come home with water and batteries for the flashlight as Mr. Gaga had requested.

Hair did, water bought, flashlight ready.  I went home and ate all the ice cream. (If you want to talk adding insult to injury is being stranded without power and having to throw out all of your ice cream.)

I was thinking I was in good shape.

Mr. Gaga wasn’t impressed.

After he yelled at me for coming home without “D” batteries – he asked me what the fuck we were going to do with one gallon of distilled water…..

Well, I don’t know what distilled water is, but I am sure a family of four can survive on it if they have to.

“Besides,” I said rummaging through the junk drawer, “I am sure after last year’s fiasco we must have went out and bought a bunch of flashlights.”

Including the new flashlight I bought, on the left, this is all we have….

Ooops, I guess I dropped the ball in the flashlight department.

But it’s fine, we have candles, and we can light a fire.

Last year, we stayed warm by having a fire in the fireplace constantly burning.  I remember thinking that I would have to be sure to order a lot of firewood to always have a good supply readily available.

I went into the backyard to investigate the firewood situation.

Apparently I forgot to buy batteries and flashlights, and also I forgot to order firewood….

Saturday morning I woke up and started getting organized and was able to find someone to deliver wood, which was a miracle so things were looking up.

Mr. Gaga took the kids trick or treating in town, and I went to work.  Last time we were stuck without power, Halloween was cancelled, and I drowned my sorrows by eating all of the leftover Halloween candy that I never got to eat.  This year I was smart and didn’t buy any Halloween candy yet.  I was planning on going at the last-minute.

When Mr. Gaga came home with the kids, it was clear that despite my excellent planning, I was in trouble…….

That evening the wood delivery arrived.  I was so proud that I had thought to order the wood and we could live in a warm house even if we have no power.

As the lumber man pulled away, he called out, “Put it somewhere safe! The wind will pick it up and it will be flying all over the place!”

We stared at each other and then stared at the wood.

So basically, in closing, we have learned nothing.

If we are not impaled by flying logs of firewood, we will survive this storm on lollipops and distilled water.

But at least my hair looks good.

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW BEFORE POWER GOES!! STAY SAFE!  XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Storm Alfred is a M$#*f*&^er and other lessons learned this week…..


I have learned some important lessons while living in Connecticut this week without power. This is DAY 9!!!!  Tomorrow will be DAY 6 of no school!!!!

Can you believe it??

Thank Jesus – my mother had power – so as a result there have been anywhere from 6 to 10 people living with her all week. 

Here are some Life Lessons learned throughout this trying time:

LIFE LESSON #1 – NOBODY CARES ABOUT CONNECTICUT:

I know people from NY and NJ who think Connecticut is just one big Greenwich.  If that’s what people in the tri-state area think – I can only imagine what people from Kansas think. 

Is that why nobody cares that we are basically in complete and utter devastation and have no hot water and no heat and the temperature has been in the 20’s some nights?

Is it because you all think of us as people wearing Lily Pulitzer cardigans, wearing a headband and UGGS sitting by the fire with our Burberry blanket and our lap-dog?

This is me with some of the gals from my book club during the summer when we had power.....

 

Rest assured that we are not all “Greenwich.” – Not even close.

We are tired, cold, filthy and hungry  fat (because Halloween got cancelled so we ate all of the candy because we are depressed!!!)

So there is nothing more offensive than when you wake up from your “bed” (AKA – couch at your mother’s house or sleeping bag on the cold floor) to see Kris Kardashian discussing the breaking news of her daughter’s 72 hour marriage or her new book about her life.

Listen – I have been known to “keep up with” a Kardashian or two – but really????

We are in utter devastation and I have to look at this??

And by the way - what the fuck is she wearing??? Is she like rubbing it in that we are Amish now???

LIFE LESSON #2 –  A CARBON MONOXIDE ALARM CAN ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR LIFE:

Upon sleeping in front of a fire for night #1  – we decided it would be good to hook up the generator and plug-in a space heater and a couple of other things.  Well apparently you cannot start a generator in your driveway and keep the window open a crack for the wire to plug-in your fridge.  I found this out when my trusty carbon monoxide alarm went off and I ran screaming from the house and threw my kids outside into the snow in their pajamas.

“Oh my god – we almost just all fell asleep and died!!” I said to my husband in disbelief.   Several people have died or become ill in Connecticut due to this exact problem – I cannot believe I was smart enough (ok – it was probably Mr. Gaga) to install a carbon monoxide alarm and it actually saved our lives!!!  If you don’t have one – get one ASAP.

3- LIFE LESSON #3 – CHARGE YOUR SHIT.

Charge your devices people.  There’s nothing more disturbing than the power going out and when your kids want to talk,  read a book,  use the IPAD, use their Leapster, or use the Nintendo DS, all of said devices need to be charged.

I know what you are thinking – “Oh –  I would let them play with my phone.”

Um, make sure those are charged too.

And if your phone is charged use it sparingly.  In the cold, dark hours I became quite particular about who I could speak to and for how long.  Most conversations have gone as follows:

“Do you have power?”

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

“When do you think we will get it back on?”

“I don’t know – I haven’t seen any workers, have you?”

“No.”

“I am going to go to the mental institution now.”

“Ok – tell me when you get power.”

“Ok – you too.”

“Bye.”

You can’t be talking in circles like this with every neighbor or friend – when you have one bar left on your phone!!!

After a couple of days – we were tired and had negative bars – we were down to texting….

“P?”

“N.”

WTF!!!!

LIFE LESSON #4 – KERATIN IS MY FRIEND:

I have gotten the  Brazilian blowout version of the Keratin treatment necessary to have sleek smooth hair.  I have not invested the money or time to get the full treatment – and my blowout from JUNE! is long-gone.  As a result my hair is frizzy and disgusting without serums, blowdryers, and flat-irons.

When my husband hooked up the generator the fact that he didn’t even question me when I plugged in the coffee pot and the flat-iron first – indicates to me that it was a dire situation.  I looked like a lunatic.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

 
 
LIFE LESSON #5 – MOTHERHOOD IN 2011 ISN’T THAT BAD AFTERALL…..
 
Now that my friends and I have experienced motherhood – Ma Ingalls-style – I have realized that things are not so bad for us after all….
 
Our children get to do luxurious things like go to sleep in a bed away from a fire, and not wearing a coat and 50 blankets.
 
They get to play video games and watch movies and television all day!! 
Is that so bad???
 
Now that we have lived without it – I have realized that the television is a beautiful and wonderful device that is nothing but a help in our plight as mothers. 
 
We should stop talking about how bad it is. 
 
We should embrace it and love it. 
 
Personally – when I get power back – I am going to french-kiss mine.
 
Now – on that note – I am off to drink alcoholic beverages.   This is what I do now.  Next time I go to the doctor and fill out one of those questionnaires I won’t be able to fill out the bubble for moderate drinking….I am going to have to go ahead and fill in the “one or more a day” bubble……Great.
 
 I AM NOW SCHEDULED TO GET POWER SOMETIME BETWEEN TOMORROW AND WEDNESDAY….THAT WILL BE A TOTAL OF 10-12 DAYS!!!!   FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS CLICK THE BANNER BELOW FOR ME…..
 
 
 
 
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