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The years have not been kind….


If there was one thing I vowed never to do…..

and I have done it…..I forgot that I wasn’t going to age gracefully…

DAMN YOU GRAVITY AND SUN AND PARLIAMENT LIGHTS!!!

In two weeks I will  turn …GULP……an undesirable age.

I am not over the hill – but I am fast approaching the hill….it’s just around the bend.

I have noticed things have really taken a turn for the worse around here.  And by “around here” I mean my cigarette wrinkles around my lips, my angry “11” in between my eyebrows and my boob wrinkles in between my sagging boobs.

So – in the midst of raising the children and being in survival mode – I forgot about my vow…..which was to  NOT grow old gracefully.

I mentioned how I get very tan in the summer, and how people speak Spanish to me from June to September.  Well all of the tanning I have done in my life coupled with smoking – apparently has destroyed the collagen and elasticity of my skin!! (*Nonetheless – next weekend I will begin my annual 3 month-long obsession with the beach – no wrinkle will deter me from the sun!!)

This always seems like a good idea – but apparently it can cause the facial skin to turn into Louis Vuitton bags….

So last summer – I had an angry “11” in between my eyebrows that was WHITE!!!!  When a wrinkle is so deep it can’t get tan…..It’s time.  It has been time for quite a while.

The last time I met up with old friends I noticed they all had a youthful glow and their skin looked smooth and radiant.

“I have to get Botox, ” I said to my friend Christina.  “I look old and weathered next to you.”

She stared back at me in silence with no facial expression.  (I’m not sure if it was because she didn’t know what to say without hurting my feelings or if she can no longer move her face muscles.)

“Yes, Lady, you should get Botox, it’s time.” she said without moving one muscle in her entire face.

I have been thinking about it a lot.   When I look in the mirror I see an old woman.  It’s not what I want to look at first thing in the morning.

Recently my friend, Martha, has been on an insane health kick.  She makes all of her own foods and beverages from organic ingredients and is obsessed with kale and salmon.  She claims her hair is shiny and silky and she has the mind and body of a 21 year old.

She says horrible things like “Well I will let the kids eat goldfish if they have to – but honestly I can make my own organic fish-shaped goat-cheese kale salmon nips – and they are so much better!!”

So – when she was droning on and on about how she eats kale smoothies for  breakfast, I interrupted her and said, “How much kale should I eat to balance out Botox?”

That quickly brought the conversation to a close, and I realized how badly I really want to have a smooth face.  I am willing to forgo other healthy ways of living…..just give me the good stuff.

Just in the nick of time a client who has beautiful skin and doesn’t seem to be aging gracefully invited me to a party this week hosted by her plastic surgeon.

“It’s an open house and she gives out prizes and has cocktails and hors d’oeuvres for her best clients.  We can invite people so you should come, this way you will feel comfortable when you go get “something done,” and it’s so fun!”

I called my friend, Annie, who also has an “angry 11″  and told her to immediately arrange babysitting to go to this party.

When we arrived we were so excited – I felt like Tamera Barney going to a Botox party.  We mingled and pretended we belonged, and we met the female plastic surgeon that was hosting the party – (who by the way had an entire face made out of plastic.)

Undeterred, we met up with my client, and she was thrilled to see us and show us around.  This woman with the perfect skin apparently spends much of her time getting “work done” and she was none too happy to tell us about her mansion and her fancy life and shopping addiction. 

Then we had our palms read – which was an added feature to the party! 

Annie didn’t particularly like what her palm had said but I didn’t pry too much and encouraged her to get another glass of champagne.

“If anyone asks – just tell them we get all of our work done in New York, ” I said to Annie has we mingled around the spa.  “We want to seem like we belong.”

When we saw my client again – she grilled Annie, about what her fortune was.  Annie was dismissive and tried to brush her off.

“Well – what did he say?” she insisted.

Finally, fed up with the inquisition, she answered,

“He said I would be poor and he said I was a doormat.”

I gulped my champagne.  “Well – you do have doormat tendencies,” I said casually – “So what?”

She agreed, “Yes – yes – I have been working on that…” she agreed.

The client grabbed the finger of her hefty wedding ring and held it up – “Well by the look of this thing I don’t think you have to worry!!” she laughed.

We threw our heads back and all had a hearty “rich person laugh” – and we continued to mingle around.  We signed up for every raffle prize we could find and we decided to make our way – with visions of smooth foreheads in our immediate future.

When we were heading out my client (aka – my new best friend) was walking out with us.  Annie had recently been inspired by my blog post about how I stole Mr. Gaga’s car.

As we walked out – Annie nudged me, and said out of the corner of her mouth, “The car.”

Oh right.  Due to my inspiring blog - she recently traded cars with her husband.  She gave him her Escalade and took his beat-up 1990 Toyota Camry.  Here we were pretending we were the “Real Housewives,” and now we had to make a less than stellar exit in a jalopy.

We laughed so hard – we probably made more wrinkles.  

I am going to make my appointment this week.  I refuse to age out of my 30’s – and if I have to…I’m not going to let my forehead know about it.

Plus if I can’t make an angry face – do you think it will inadvertently make me happier?? It’s worth a try…

EVEN IF YOU THINK I AM SHALLOW FOR WANTING TO INJECT MY FOREHEAD WITH BOTULISM – YOU SHOULD STILL CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S A FUNNY CONTEST NOT A SHALLOW CONTEST PEOPLE…JUST DO IT….XO LADY GGGG

Escape from Alcatraz


My blogging schedule is a little off this week due to my ESCAPE!!!! romantic getaway, for my 10 year anniversary.

Last week I could barely think straight I was so riddled with fear and anxiety.

Once we left CT (86 degrees and sunny) and landed in Miami (Tropical Storm, torrential rain, 77 degrees) – I was happy to have arrived safely – but my anxiety was creeping up on me…..

Why did I leave my babies to sit in Florida in the rain?

Well the answer was quite simple really…….

It was for lots and lots of these……

But 10 years is a long time people – I mean we are not spring chickens.

So I just want to lay it out for you – for those of you who are spring chickens – how this all goes down when you are old and weathered.

5 Differences between 2011 trip to Miami and trip 10 years ago:

1 -All your bits and pieces aren’t where/what they used to be

So when you are trying to be sexy and glamorous and your boobs and butt are sagging out a tankini – this doesn’t translate well.  I swear, I have had an Italian ass/thigh situation my whole life, but after I had kids – it was like someone deflated my butt – it just kind of hangs there.  And the boobs – forget it.  Then of course the stomach that is not exactly washboard-esque and for added glory has wrinkled skin hanging off my belly button.

All the young hotties - took one look at this and were all over me.....

I am not 400 lbs.  I want to clarify this – because my Italian father said – after I wrote this – “What the hell is wrong with you? Nobody knows what you look like and everyone is going to think you are obese with a moustache…..”

HOWEVER!!!  There has been a lot of damage.  Things (i.e. boobs, skin elasticity, ab muscles) have not weathered the storm.

2 – Your eyeballs just don’t work like they used to.  

After having 4 martinis in the middle of the first day – I promptly passed out at 5 o’clock and my husband woke me up at 7:30.  There was absolutely no way that I could have kept my eyeballs open past 5 pm.

My husband didn’t take a nap.

Guess who was falling asleep at dinner.

In our old age – we have to be very careful and strategic about drinking and staying awake – we just are not able to do what we used to do.

We could then be seen in the hotel lobby with toothpicks holding our eyes open, looking very cool and very young.

3 – Our digestive tracts ain’t what they used to be:

Though we forgot hair products and razors, we somehow managed to remember what’s important – and that is travel-size room spray.

Between the excessive drinking and delectable meals – our stomachs were basically on a rollercoaster ride that was  too much for their old-age.

One night after dinner – we were going to have drinks in the hotel bar – and I had a sudden pain in my stomach. 

“I think I am going to have an episode.” I said – which is my code word for any unpleasant digestive issues.

“Ok – I’ll come up with you and then we will come back down.” my husband said. 

Yeah right.  We both had to “digest” our food like a couple of eighty-year-olds, and then passed out with cups of Alka Seltzer sizzling on our night stands.

4 -Vacations used to make you feel better:

There is a lot more at stake when we are away from the kids now.

Small things to most – are now very important.  I could often be heard saying or thinking some of the following sentences:

I have to stay in the pool longer and enjoy it- this is the last time I will be in a body of water alone without someone hanging on me for like 5 years.”

“I should pass out and take a nap for 3 hours – just because I can – and I won’t be able to again until I am a senior citizen.”

“We can’t go back to the room yet – it’s only 12:15.  Most of Miami is just coming out now…..hopefully these toothpicks will hold…….”

So what do you know – because we tried to do too much, we came home Monday night at 12:30 – exhausted!!!   And the kids woke us up this morning – and it has been rough ever since.

It will take approximately 10-15 days to recover from this vacation.

5 – Mom jeans were invented for a reason:

Apparently I am too old to just go to Forever 21 and buy and wear whatever slutty  trendy outfit I want to….

At least that’s what my husband seemed to think when I rocked mini-skirts both nights of our trip – Uh – like EVERYONE else was!!!

“But you have 2 little boys!” he said hesitantly – when I saw my outfit.

Can you believe he said this???  Apparently I looked like Dina Lohan – but I didn’t care – So I am trying to dress young – so shoot me. This was one of my skirts ……

Tell me girls – LOVE IT?? OR LOHAN?

Happy Anniversary to Mr. Gaga!!! 

Mr. Gaga loves me so much that he  has lived with me for 10 years despite the fact that I call him Mr. Gaga and apparently dress like a tart.  If you love me as much could you please just click the banner below? Thank you !!!!   xoxoxox Lady Goo Goo Gaga

LINKING TO THINGS I CAN’T SAY

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