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Dear potential employer,


“Don’t even think of asking me what I did all day,” I warned Mr. Gaga the other day as we discussed the pending start of the school year which will leave me home without children from 8 AM until 3:30 PM everyday.

“I understand…..” he answered cautiously.

A few minutes later…..”But what will you do?”

After being tortured by my children for seven years I am finally going to be able to tackle little projects that I haven’t had time for, like taking care of my beard.

It’s a valid question.

I tried to envision myself with nothing to do.

After my morning coffee and maybe a quick run….things could get dicey.

I decide to peruse the old “Help Wanted” section.

This led to a panicked session of “resume revival” and let’s just say I had a hard time making myself sound qualified for most of the job postings I saw.

Let me know what you think:

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Connecticut, Ladygoogoogaga2011@gmail.com

Objective

  • To find someone to hire me so that I will not go insane at home, and possibly have some extra money for shoes.

Education

HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION, 1998 | FANCY NEW ENGLAND PREP SCHOOL

BA, 2002 | GOOD JESUIT UNIVERSITY

  • Major: Communications
  • Minor: Finding a husband

Skills & Abilities:

Management

  • Registered and transported 2 small children to hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball, swimming, soccer, hip-hop, track and field, many birthday parties and playdates
  • Responsible for all household management, including planning and preparing meals 3 times a day, making all pertinent appointments for household members, and telling members of the household when it is time to shut up and go to bed.
  • Present to-do lists to household partner and persistently “remind” him to do said projects.
  • Responsible for all laundering of clothing, bedding, and any other furniture or materials that might accidentally become covered in vomit, pee or poop.
  • Responsible for cleaning and wiping of all rectums and surrounding areas for a period of 7 years.
  • Filled and emptied dishwasher daily, and kept track of approximately 25-40 sippy cups and snack cups, and their corresponding lids

Sales

Communication

  • Learned to properly utilize vocal chords to the best of my ability while screaming at my children
  • Relayed religious knowledge to children as well as utilized proper religious education offerings
  • Able to maintain composure and not gouge out my own eyeballs when forced to speak and interact with insane women in various environments including but not limited to playgroups, Kindermusik, and bad playdates

Leadership

  • Got the bus stop moved after a series of harassing phone calls to the bus company
  • Maintained sanity while surrounded by insane women or insane children for the majority of the past seven years
  • Curbed swearing in front of children to only favorite terms, and completely eliminated daily use of “cunt” and “motherfucker”

Interests and Hobbies

In my free time I try to work on losing the baby weight from my pregnancy 5 years ago, watching any of the “Real Housewives” franchises and taste-testing different types of wine.

Experience

LADY GOO GOO GAGA BLOG (http:lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com)  – 2011-present

  • Make people laugh at how absurd my life is on a weekly basis.
  • MAKE PEOPLE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!!

AND MAKE PEOPLE SHARE ON FACEBOOK FOR ALL MOMS TO ENJOY AND COMMENT ON MY STELLAR RESUME!!

Sink or Swim


I work part-time in a consultant-type of position.  My schedule is unpredictable and erratic.  I could work 7 days in a row and then I could not work for 3 weeks.

What this means is that I am constantly scrambling for childcare.  I have to call my list of babysitters and beg them to come for 2 hours here, 2 hours there.   I am asking for favors all the time, mostly of other mothers, but often of my cousins and my brother and sister-in-law.

“Would you mind taking Sam after school and my husband will pick him up?”

“Could you get Michael off the bus? Or could Michael get off at your stop and hang out for a little while?”

And my poor husband…forget it.  When I can’t find coverage  – I beg him to help me…even if it means taking them to work and having them watch a movie in his office while he attempts to get work done.

I’ll do anything to get to work.  I usually am able to figure it out somehow – some way – and I screech into the parking lot of where I am working, on 2 wheels and hustle in (late and looking like shit.)

The past couple of weeks have been very hectic and I have worked a lot of hours.

I have asked for a lot of favors.

My kids have had several playdates that I forced mothers to invite them to.

My husband hates me.

I am now wearing “period underwear” when I have no period – due to lack of clean laundry.

Yeah  –  guess what else happens when I work a lot.

The laundry is to the ceiling.

The refridgerator is empty.

There are dustballs everywhere and my bathrooms are disgusting.

I just feel like I am in a constant state of treading water.

This is me and what’s pulling me down is my laundry, my filthy toilets, and my moustache…..

Constantly on the go – Mr. Gaga and I are like two ships passing in the night.  We sometimes give each other high-fives as one of us comes in and the other is going out the front door.

Last week,  he had a meeting that he was going to be late to – and I was running late coming home from work.  He got in his car – and as my car turned the corner onto our street – he pulled out of our driveway and started to go.  We waved and beeped at each other.  (* OK – our kids were only alone for like……a minute)

So – the next morning I was miraculously ready for work on time, my babysitter was on time, I was in good shape.

I got into my car and it wouldn’t start.  I had left a light on.

The swearing and anxiety that resulted from this were not good, but probably nothing compared to my husband who had to leave work and bring me jumper cables and jump my car.

And then there was the swearing and anxiety that came from my boss when I told him I would be an hour late to my event in NYC.  And I heard when he told his boss the news…….

GULP.

It is all very stressful and I often feel like my throat is closing as anxiety is filling my being.

Sometimes I come home to things in some sort of order, but more often than not, I walk in the door and in no particular order I think….

“Homework needs to be done, field trip money is due tomorrow, the PTO wants me to sell wrapping paper by tomorrow, I need to write them a check – shit – I forgot to order more checks, I need to wash the sheets – it’s been two weeks, the faucet is still dripping – clearly Mr. Gaga is not good with fixing things – I need to call a plumber, I have to make cookies for Sam’s Halloween party, and the zipper on Michael’s backpack broke and I should just order a good one from LL BEAN, the library books are overdue and one is still missing – maybe I have to just pay the fee, Sam needs new rainboots, maybe I should get good ones for $35 at Nordstrom or should I just keeping buying cheap ones that rip for $20 at Target, I need to make a dessert for my grandmother’s 80th birthday party, I need to pick out photos that I like from the kids’ photoshoot, there’s no food in this refridgerator, I really need to go grocery shopping, maybe I could just order a pizza,…but I am sooo fat….I need to get to the gym, I am never going to get there this week, maybe I could just find time to run, I should really start running – since I want to run that Thanksgiving race,  I really need to register for that, and by the way who is coming here for Thanksgiving, I need to text my cousins tonight and ask them if they are coming, I wonder if I will have time to dye my hair tonight, but if I do – I need to get up an hour early tomorrow to blowdry my hair, I am too tired for that – maybe I can just wax my moustache tonight, I should really get my eyebrows waxed too – maybe if I can make a hair appointment then David can wax my eyebrows, but really if I have time for an appointment – I should get the boys’ haircuts,  they need it worse than me…etc. etc. etc. etc …..until I pass out from complete mental exhaustion with basically nothing done.

I usually decide to reward myself with a little down-time in the form of Real Housewives of any county (I LOVE THIS FRANCHISE) or Rachel Zoe – and then I pass out with gray roots in my hair and a full moustache and a muffin top.

This weekend I was on top of things.

I was going to work two full days and still make it to Michael’s soccer game and take Sam to a Halloween party bearing seasonal baked goods.

I was kind of past treading – I was maybe doing like a doggy paddle….almost about to break into a crawl….

And then…….

Storm Alfred.

We are estimated to have no power to for 5 to 7 days….Halloween is cancelled…work is cancelled…..

Why do I live in Connecticut again??

SINCE I HAVE NO POWER AND THE KIDS ARE OUT OF SCHOOL FOR AT LEAST 3 DAYS – YOU CAN AT LEAST VOTE FOR ME BY CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!

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