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Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!


I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800′s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?

Mine!

Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE!  I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

challenge97

Top ten reasons why going “back to school” sucks


This week has really sucked.  I mentioned last week how I have been enjoying myself and I was forced into reality this week.  My last week of summer and the kids and myself were sick all week and then we had a hurricane.

Can you say quick spiral into depression?

I am so not into back to school mode – and not to be “Debbie Downer”- but the following is my top ten reasons why going back to school sucks:

1 – No Sleep: Lord help me – I have to wake up. My kids don’t sleep late – so I have been spending the whole summer letting them stay up watching inappropriate television, playing outside, going to the movies on the beach, in an effort to have them wake up late.  It worked perfectly.  We are now on a great schedule where we wake up between 8 and 8:30 and squeal into 9:00 camp on two wheels, the kids in ratty t-shirts and shorts, a pop-tart in one hand and a towel in the other.  When school starts the kids need a healthy breakfast, a packed snack and healthy lunch, matching clothing, brushed teeth and clean faces.  Michael’s bus comes at 8:05 am.  I’m screwed.

During the school year – I try to make something fun and healthy for breakfast like this!
During the summer – late nights coupled with lots of wine drinking often resulted in the kids eating a
breakfast on the go – usually whatever I could grab and hand to them…..See below:
 
 
 
 

 

2 -Rag Rotation: Just when I had gotten completely used to my summer “rags” -http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/riches-to-
rags/
I am going to soon have to face another season of not having all of the appropriate clothing items I need to be trendy and fabulous.  These items would include anything that hides my muffin top and is not from the Old Navy. 

3 - Sickness: Like the little weather game – a bunch of illnesses were thrown our way this week to remind us not to get too comfortable with all the fresh air and good health.  Soon my children will be surrounded by bird flu and head lice and filthy snot-nosed children that don’t comb their hair.  http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/tangled/

This week we were all sick and it is the first of probably 30 illnesses before next spring.

4 – Hurricanes and Nor’easters and Earthquakes: Apparently – in an effort to throw me right back into the reality that is the school year – the universe threw a whole bunch of weather our way this week.  This way I could feel the effects of staying in the house
for long periods of time, cooking, cleaning and playing UNO.

The winter is soooo long and soooo torturous.  On top of the obvious unpleasantness of being stuck in the house with children – I notice all of the chores I have neglected and am forced to clean and organize and cook.   I have mentioned before I lounge around during the summer, see below:

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

And while I am doing this -this is what my sink looks like:

This is what my sink looks like while I am at the beach- but guess what ...you cannot be happy or achieve a beautiful bronze skin tone by sitting around scrubbing pots and pans.....

You can’t notice the dishwasher needs to be emptied if you are reading US Weekly on the beach!

5 - A return to the bus stop: The last time we were there was after Michael punched some asshole in the face on the last day of school. 

Oh how I hate these people, and oh how I hate that they are the very first faces I see besides my own and my kids each day….Please read about my bus stop adventures if you missed it the first go-round – http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/26/the-fiery-gates-of-our-bus-stop/ You will not be disappointed.

6- Playdates: When does this actually end? My phone was blowing up this week from Moms that had children “just dying to see Michael!” or who’s son is “devastated that Sam isn’t in his class!!” – so “we have to do a playdate!” 

Really? 

It’s called they will see you on the first day of school – and by the way – Sam isn’t in his class because your kid is a monster and I requested that they be separated.  Just sayin….

7 – Birthday Parties: I am not kidding that we already got two birthday invitations this week.  Thank Jesus – one was for today and was postponed due to the hurricane.  Otherwise – we spend at least one day of every weekend participating in some birthday festivities for
children we barely know. (you know because you have to invite all 22 children from your class to your birthday) 

The last one we went to during this summer was quite the fiasco…http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/last-friday-night/

8 – No Camp:  Have I mentioned that I love the “beach camp” that the kids go to that is from 9 – 12 (break for lunch) and then 1-2:30?  Um – that is the most free-time I have had since college. 

See - this is me with some of my "mommy friends" enjoying a pool party while our kids are atcamp.....I'm just not going to have time for these kind of things during the school year.....

Now we are back to dumb-ass preschool which goes from about 9:00 am to 9:20 am and then on Fridays they do a shortened session so pick up is at 9:14 am.  I can maybe go
home and take a shower and then I have to go back and pick up.  It’s a joke. 

9 – Room Mothers: Have you met these people? They are insane! They have endless amounts of energy and take interest in all things related to their child and his or her class.  They inadvertently make me feel bad with their endless email updates and requests for volunteers that are “much-needed” and “so- appreciated!” 

One time I volunteered to help with a “Kindergarten regatta.” When I got there my job was to turn on the hose to fill the pool for the boats.  Really? You really need a volunteer for this?? 

This is me waiting at the arts and crafts table for someone to get me the hose....this kid kept asking for help with his letters ...so annoying.

These room mothers are also the people who request that we each send in $20 for the holiday gift for the teacher.  I mentioned the class was 22 children right??

10 – My babies are old:  Despite all my bitching about nonsense – the truth of the matter is that this is my last year with my son in preschool and next year he will be in full-day kindergarten and I will be left home with my dishwasher and my US Weekly that I have been coveting so much.  I have a feeling when I can finally read the dang thing – it’s not going to be nearly as fun or entertaining as my kids…

Thank god I have you guys – My loyal fans!! 

Please click the banner below to vote for this blog!! Thank you!!!!

“pouring my heart out” with www.thingsicantsay.com

 

Birds and Bees


We had a nice visit the past two weeks with my aunt and cousins from Baltimore.  It was luxurious having an eleven year old girl and thirteen year old boy readily available to play with my kids.  To top it off – these children are very mild-mannered and quiet, so it would be a bonus if either of those attributes could possibly rub off on my two maniacs.  The Baltimore children, I am sure – are recovering from the Lady Goo Goo Gaga household.  Let’s just say they are occasionally horrified surprised by the things that I say.  Let’s also just say that they have happened to be here two years in a row when I attend the annual High-Stakes Bingo event - and threaten to drop kick the bingo wheel and call the lady announcing the winners a “stupid bitch.”  They might have found my behavior alarming - and talked about it all winter.  I chalk it up to the fact that they are southerners not used to the no filter  “to-the-point” charm of us Northeasterners.

I texted my aunt today to let her know that she had forgotten a few things and this was her response:

“OK - thanks.  Also – just so you know, Sam asked Nat if she wore makeup and when she said “no,” he asked her if her boobs were real.”

After I fainted and my husband woke me up with smelling salts, I answered: “So sorry – I am not quite sure how he even knows that fake boobs are an option since he just turned 4.  We will discuss this matter with him.”

O to the M to the G.  These people who we see once a year, probably already think I am the craziest mother in the world. Now they probably think my 4 year-old son must be growing up on a steady diet of Baywatch and Real Housewives of Orange County or dining regularly at Hooters.   How else would he think to ask such an inappropriate question?

You might find it inappropriate, but Sam's 4 year-old birthday party at Hooters was a huge success.....

I had to address this situation.  I said “Sam – did you ask Natalie if she wore make-up?” to open up the discussion.   My older son jumped right in….

“Yeah – then he asked her if her boobs were real!!” he said laughing.

I stared at Sam.  He looked at me and shrugged and said “Sorry.” nonchalantly.

“Why – would you say that?” I demanded.

“Well – when I have playdates with Jennifer (who is his “girlfriend” from preschool and will be discussed at a future post)….she always shows me her boobs!  But they are not real boobs!! They are just nickels!!”  he explained very seriously.

My husband, my son all looked at him as he finished his explanation. 

“What? All the time she does that….and I never ask her to!!” he pleaded.

I tried to keep a stern look on my face but then I busted out laughing, and was quickly joined by both boys.   My husband shook his head, chuckling.

YOU are the problem,” he said to me in regards to my inappropriate child, as I doubled over in laughter.

“I can’t help it,” I said – in between hysterical laughs….”I am just so happy he wasn’t referring to silicone implants I don’t even care….”

Maybe I fell down on the job with my parenting today – but at least it’s funny!!! Just please click on the banner below to vote for LADY GOO GOO GAGA!!!!

Top ten ways this is not my mother’s motherhood….


#1 – On weekends my children would go outside after breakfast and not come back until dinner.  They would never bother me to tell me how hungry, thirsty, bored they are.  And during this playtime, I wouldn’t really know where they were, I might have a vague idea of the vicinity, but that’s about it. This would be fine and I wouldn’t worry about sexual predators or the guy across the street that waters his telephone pole every morning.

#2 –In the afternoon/evening my kids could watch Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and Electric Company, back-to-back every day (that’s 2  ½ hours people!!) and I would have zero guilt or worry that they were going to be stupid or violent or fat.  I would just make dinner and talk on the phone the whole time.

#3 – I would never have to attend or host a playdate.  My kids would play with whoever lived on their street.  Even if it was someone they would never ordinarily be friends with, or someone weird or annoying like Fran Drescher’s kids, too bad. They would just play with who was available and make it work.

#4 – Plus even if someone asked me for a playdate, I wouldn’t be available because I would have lunch and then from 1-3 I would have to watch Days of Our Lives and Another World.  Then I would have to take a nap.  Also – my husband wouldn’t be available because he and all the husbands I know would be at work (out of the house.) There would be no chance that a Dad would show up for a playdate or birthday party.

#5 – I could put all of the cereal in the lowest cabinet in the kitchen and teach my kids how to fend for themselves, so I could sleep in the morning while they get themselves dressed, get breakfast, MAKE THEIR OWN LUNCH! and get ready for school.  And if they aren’t disciplined enough to do this and miss the bus, they
could walk or ride their bike to school to learn a lesson.

#6 –I wouldn’t spend 5 minutes every time I got into a vehicle, strapping people into various boosters and car seats like they were preparing for a space shuttle mission.  They would sit (or stand) in the backseat with no seatbelt.  For a special treat, (if we weren’t in the Blue Ford Hornet that had doors that blew open when you turned a corner) I would even let them sit in the front passenger seat.

#7– While in this vehicle I could smoke cigarettes with the windows closed using my built-in ash-tray and listen to whatever I wanted to on the radio. It might be the oldies station, Imus in the Morning, or Howard Stern but the thought would never cross my mind to drive around town listening to the Imagination Movers or Big Time Rush.

#8 – Also, if I needed to stop for my daily milk and cigarettes, I would just park the car and run into the store and leave my kids in the second-hand smoke bomb car.  Or if it was my mother-in-law’s motherhood, I wouldn’t even leave my house.  I would just give my kid $5 and send him on foot to the nearest convenience store with a note that said “Please give my son a gallon of milk and a pack of Marlboro 100’s.”

#9 – When I needed a babysitter, I could just leave my children
with their 85-year-old great-grandmother who was A – off the boat from Italy and doesn’t speak a lick of English and B- could only walk with a walker.  I would just keep my fingers crossed that nothing bad happened that would require an adult to contact the authorities( requiring use of the English language.)  Also, hope that if the kids did something wrong like run baths for their Cabbage Patch Dolls and leave the water running for so long that it’s pouring through the downstairs ceiling, she will stop watching church and doing the rosary long enough to notice.

#10 – I would have given birth at an appropriate age so that when I had a child in kindergarten, instead of being a fat , weathered  35 year-old, I would be a young, skinny and vibrant 27-year-old with my whole life ahead of me. I wouldn’t have gray hair yet, or saggy boobs or fat stomach, so I think I would be in a much better mood!

Oh well, that was motherhood in the 1970’s.  Can you think of a way that your motherhood is different from your moms’? Let’s hear it – Leave me a comment!!

Happy Mother’s Day!!

x0x0x

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

I linked up with Adventures in Mommyhood for

Reposted for MAMA KAT!

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