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Bad Catholic – Easter Edition


Today is a great day! It is Easter Sunday, the day that Jesus rose from the dead.

I have been learning so much about religion now that Michael is in CCD and it’s interesting to view Catholic traditions through his eyes. 

For example, during the Superbowl we were watching the half-time show (obvi – I love me some Madge) and Michael asked

“Why is Cee Lo wearing a dress?”

“It’s not really a dress, it’s like…you know the same thing that priests wear.” I answered distractedly.

“Ooohh,” he answered knowingly. “You mean a Snuggie…..”

“Um – I think they are called habits or something….” I answered trying to watch the show.

“What?” he asked.

He was totally ruining my Madonna time – “Yes – priests wear Snuggies, just sit down and watch the show.”

The Catholic church has enough issues as it is. If I saw this creepy weirdo coming at me with communion - I would run for my life.

I also just recently found out the actual details about this whole Easter situation.  My Catholic friends from college couldn’t believe I didn’t know this story – but apparently I really didn’t pay much attention in church or CCD!

“So today He woke up?” I asked Mr. Gaga at breakfast while the kids poured out the contents of their Easter baskets.

“He rose again and ascended into heaven.” Mr. Gaga replied not looking up from the sports section.

“Well did He wake up in the cave and at least go into town and say like

“Ha-ha suckers!  Who has two thumbs and totally isn’t nailed to a cross with a thorn hat anymore?”

“Noooo, He “ascended into heaven.” he said impatiently.

“What? How do we know?” I asked with shock.

“Because the rock in front of the cave was moved.” he replied.

“What???? That’s all the evidence we have??? This whole day is based on a moved rock?? I thought this was confirmed…..I at least thought someone saw him like roaming the streets…..”

Mr. Gaga just stared at me unfazed by my revelation.

Hmmm, I don’t know if I am buying this story now.

Anyways – regardless if the Jesus story is true or not – at the very least, Easter marks the end of a dreadful time known as Lent.

Lent isn’t necessarily so bad – but it’s quite unenjoyable when you live with a husband who is allergic to all shellfish, and children that decide you should give up chocolate for Lent and watch you like hawks to make sure you never cheat.

During this time – we also were responsible for collecting money in an “Operation Rice Bowl” that Michael brought home from CCD. 

It is a little cardboard box with a picture of a starving child on it, with a slot on the top for coins, and the money goes to Catholic Relief Services

Thankfully, my cousin came over one day and got guilted by Michael into pouring her entire wallet of change into the box and we were pretty much done with our collection.  The kids were fascinated by the box.

“Why do we have to put money in here?” Michael asked looking at the cardboard “Rice Bowl” at the kitchen island while I did the dishes with my back to him.

“Because there are kids that have no food and this money will help them….like the boy that you see on the box.” I answered without looking up.

“Well, he doesn’t look very hungry to me.” he sniffed.

“Michael, that’s rude! He’s starving!” I answered.

“No he’s not!! He’s smiling!” he protested.

“He’s probably trying to look good for the picture!!  He’s very sad!” I answered indignantly.

“Well then why doesn’t he just eat the huge loaf of bread that he’s holding?”

I turned away from the dishes.  “Let me see that.” I grabbed the box.

I mean I have to say - he doesn't look too upset about the situation...I can see how this could be confusing to Michael....(and by the way if you like his shirt - I think I just saw it last week in the children's department at Saks.)

When we finally had to turn it in to Michael’s CCD class, I placed it in my car in the morning so that I wouldn’t forget it in the rush of the afternoon. 

Off I went to run a bunch of errands I needed to do before we went to NY for the holiday weekend. 

I found the perfect spot on the street and realized that my coin collection for the meter was a little pathetic.  I had mostly nickels and pennies in the cup holder of my car.

I looked longingly at the Operation Rice Bowl in my passenger seat. 

I decided that stealing from the children wearing designer shirts “poor and hungry” for my parking meter would be an unforgivable Lenten offense. 

I decided to rush – and figured any God or police officer would see my Operation Rice Bowl on the car seat and know that I was someone who did good works and should be rewarded.

 

Do you see my life?

Is it because I’m not so sure about the moved rock story or because of all those times when I told my parents I was going to mass but I really went to McDonald’s???

Why God?? WHY???

When we turned in the dang Rice Bowl that afternoon, the teacher made a fuss – saying Michael was the only one in the class to do it.  So I felt good about that – maybe it was worth getting a ticket after all.

Let’s face it, we can teach him to be charitable since we don’t do much as far as religion goes.  We don’t say grace, we don’t go to mass unless it’s a holiday, we don’t teach our kids to say prayers…

So imagine my surprise when I came back to pick him up and the teacher greeted me beaming.

“Michael is so wonderful! He passed his “Hail Mary test!” He knew the whole thing!”

I was completely shocked.  How the hell did he learn the Hail Mary?

I was so taken off-guard.  I don’t know why I said this but…..

I put my hands on Michael’s shoulders and used my “fake Mommy voice” and said…

“Oh – wonderful! They must have reviewed that on Sponge-Bob this week!”

I don't think Michael's teacher really "gets me."

Happy Easter everyone!!

Don’t even think of not voting for me- after I got a parking ticket instead of stealing from the Operation Rice Bowl….Click on the banner below!!! XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Bad Catholic


At the beginning of the school year we signed Michael up for CCD.

Admittedly horrible Catholics, we were actually raised to be good ones. We at least know enough that we should educate our children so that they too can grow up to be horrible Catholics one day.

“But you’re a hypocrite – the Catholic Church goes against women’s rights,” my atheist brother argues with me.

“Oh I know – I will explain later that it’s all wrong – but for now at least they can learn some prayers.”  I reply knowingly.

I have always been a bad Catholic.  I think I was just born this way. 

I don’t get it and I don’t really care enough to absorb the information – so every time someone explains something to me I am freshly shocked by the absurdity of it all.

I don’t know what anyone is talking about.

My husband has to repeatedly explain to me (and the kids  – because they love it) about what happened on Easter. Something about Jesus being wrapped up like a mummy and then he like escapes from a cave like Houdini and then he was God??

I don’t get it.  It hurts my head.

“I think he was just pretending to be dead,” Michael says when my husband tells the story, “I think he was just asleep.”

“Wait – but who is Jesus’ Dad again? Isn’t it God?” I ask.

“Well – yes kind of.”

But why is Joseph in the manger pretending that it’s his baby? Doesn’t he know that he didn’t have sex with Mary?” I mean what is this General Hospital?” I ask every Christmas.

I don’t get it and as I write this blog right now – I don’t know the answer.   I am going to ask Mr. Gaga again in the morning.

But I should know since I was dragged to church every Sunday of my life – even if I slept over someone’s house!! My father would come get me!!!

And …… this is the worst – we had to say “grace” every night before dinner. (Even now!!)  Which literally sounds like this from all the disgruntled mumbling….

“Father, son, holy spirit…Bless uhlor for these errr ..about to …err  share…Amen”

EVEN IF I HAD A FRIEND OVER FOR DINNER!!!!!

Embarrassing.

EVEN IF THEY WERE JEWISH!!!!!!

"Wow these people are freaks - it's like one minute everyone is normal - then the next minute they are mumbling some weird version of grace I have never heard of....and PS - Don't they know I'm a Jew?"

 Once I had my license – it was up to me which mass I went to – so I would usually choose the 12 o’clock mass – and then pretend to go but just really go to McDonald’s.

Apparently the whole “thou shalt not tell a lie” thing escaped me.

Sometimes I would just go in for a quick prayer.....

So – I went on to go to a Jesuit University and then I got married in said University chapel.  Also – I would like to note that although I can be snarky and swear a lot and say things like “I hate babies,” I generally am a good person.

So imagine my surprise when I moved to Connecticut after getting married in New York and living there for a while and I couldn’t get my baby christened. 

I was told flat-out “No,” by more than one church.

“But why? We have all of our sacraments!” I pleaded with a nun over the phone.

“You must be registered and attend mass regularly.” she said.

“Well I work weekends – so I watch mass on TV,” I lied.

(again)

(to a nun)

“No.”

“I am a good person!!!!” I yelled to the dial tone in my ear.

I hung up the phone and looked up at my husband who was staring at me with his jaw hanging open in shock.

“Did you just tell a nun that you watched mass on TV?” he yelled.

“Yes.” I said softly.

“We’re fucked.” he replied sinking into a chair.

Eventually – we greased some palms – and got a family friend to get us a hookup.  The deal was we could get the baby christened if we went to mass every Sunday leading up to his birth.

We went once and figured out what time the collection basket came.  At 10:55 each Sunday morning we would roll up – I would run in and drop a check (with our names on it for evidence!!)  in the basket – and then we would go to McDonald’s for breakfast.

( Apparently we are fat disgusting people who always choose the golden arches over the lord – what can I tell you?)

Well I said I was a bad Catholic!!!  Don’t judge me!!!

If this was our church - we would totally go.......

Last week when I went to pick up Michael from CCD – the teacher pulled me aside.

“Just so you know – the first graders are going to be part of Sunday’s mass.  I know you don’t go to mass….(Can you believe this bitch?) but it would be so great if Michael could be there.”

I at least got one thing out of my Catholic upbringing and its a little thing called guilt – so of course I said we would be there with bells on.

When we got there – Michael sat up front with his class and I sat a few rows back with Sam and his Bakugans to keep him entertained.

Now let me say upon returning to church I was shocked by a few things.

First and foremost – the place was packed!  Most of the people didn’t even have a first grader!  They just woke up and came to church for no good reason!?

And a lot of these devout Catholics – had BABIES with them!!!

What??

Why???

Some nerdy couple came dressed to the nines – huffing and puffing up the aisle lugging their baby in an infant carrier.  They of course sat directly behind me – and I thought “Oh great – now I am going to have to listen to this baby cry for an hour.”

Oh no.

The baby was not the problem.

Apparently – the second realization I had, was that church is like American Idol for nerds.

To them – church is a place where in the name of Jesus you can just belt out tunes like it’s nobody’s business even when you have a horrible voice.

I mean try to imagine the most off-key, ear-piercing voice singing “Hallelujah” really loud right into your ear….

Then Sam stopped playing with his Bakugans, turned and looked up at me and said  “I really don’t want to listen to this!” really loud so I could hear him over the American Idol audition.

I doubled over and was crying with laughter.   I was right back to my junior high self – laughing inappropriately in church.

When Michael came back to sit with us at the end of mass -I was still wiping tears from my eyes from laughing.

Trying to be supportive I said “Did you like going up to the altar?”

“Nooo.”  he said with disgust.

“Why?”

“Because that guy (*the priest) just touched my head and didn’t even give me a bite of God.”

“You can have a “bite of God” after your First Communion – after we all go to Confession.” I replied matter-of-factly.

Oh shit.

Let’s just say this might be a bumpy road to heaven for the Gaga family.

LISTEN – DESPITE WHAT YOU BIBLE -BELTERS MIGHT THINK – I AM A GOOD PERSON!!!!  REMEMBER YOU ARE VOTING FOR ME AS FUNNIEST MOM BLOG – NOT BEST CHURCH-GOING CATHOLIC – SO JUST CLICK THE DAMN BANNER PLEASE :) THANKS…..

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