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What I learned in 2013….


It’s time for my annual year in review.

I am lucky to have this blog so I can go back and see what happened in my life throughout the year and see what mattered to all of you. Here is the blow by blow recap:

JANUARY 2013 – In the beginning of 2013 we started preparing for Michael’s first holy communion and I was met with the ugly truth behind the Catholic church’s planning for date selection. I almost got killed during the “Sign-up for Communion date” meeting – but I got the date I wanted so it worked out….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

2 – In February, just when I was starting to doubt Jesus and his almighty powers, I was saved and all was made right in the universe when Kim Kardashian was impregnated by Kanye West.

I still find it shocking that Kim wants to be wrapped up with this narcissistic asshole but I guess she will eventually figure this out the hard way…..

I wrote her a very special letter to warn her about what she could expect…

mySuperLamePic_bada7bdbc1c0a2cf6116ec3512fdbec7

3 – In February we were met with yet another Northeast weather disaster.  This particular catastrophe was a BLIZZARD!  Per usual people lost their fucking marbles while they attempted to prepare for 3 FEET of SNOW!!!

By the time I got to the local grocery store this was what the banana stand was like …just so you can see how insane people behave during inclement weather…..

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

4 – In March, everyone was all abuzz about the book “Leaning In” which detailed how women of today could totally focus on their career and succeed!! I found that I was much better at “leaning out.”

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This was the last time I “leaned in” for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

5 – In April we went to Disney World.  Boy, was I in for a real education on American behaviors.  I relayed my astonishment regarding the HUGE BEVERAGES that were served in Disney World and the HUGE HUMAN BEINGS that were zipping around on carts.

Some of you got pissed about that…..

Sorry! I just report as I see it fat people!

mickeyfam

Look how this guy balances his massive soda with a broken hand!! These injured people are so determined!!!

6 – In May, we finally had Michael’s communion after much hard work. (see above)

It went well except for when I lost all of my photos to document my good holy works, thank Jesus I still had my pic of the holy cross made out of pepperoni…

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn't secure my place in heaven then I give up....

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn’t secure my place in heaven then I give up….

7 – As the summer approached I may or may not have bumped up my drinking and bumped down my parenting…

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own...it's called building independance in children....They will thank me one day.

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own…it’s called building independence in children….They will thank me one day.

8 – Toward the end of the summer, we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I once again noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

This blog went VIRAL!! It was my hit of the year – and I know it’s because we all feel the same angst about lunch making in America.

Really?? It's not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a "kind person" I would kill her.

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

9 – In the fall one of my good friends had a baby.  I went to visit her and noticed that sometimes new mothers go a little crazy when it comes to first baby nursery decor.  Many of you were VERY ANGRY about my commentary…but many of you were VERY LAUGHING at how fucking stupid it all is….This is why I LOVE MY READERS!!!

Please note the newborn size tiara's on the shelf...I believe that tiara was placed on the baby's head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess....

Please note the newborn size tiara’s on the shelf…I believe that tiara was placed on the baby’s head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess….

10- Finally in December, while I juggled all that I had to do I realized that this ELF ON THE SHELF was really putting things over the edge for me.  I wrote an open letter to the clever Elf creators…..

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

Everyone loved this…This was my number 2 post of the year!!( only second to Pottery Barn lunch post.) What does that tell me??

That mothers in America are tired!!  We don’t have time for stupid bullshit like daisy sandwiches and Elf games!! We are smart, busy people that value our time and energy!!!

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Why my kids are lucky to have me….


The other day at the store Michael was pointing to something in the deli case.

“Mom kids in my class have this for lunch all the time…I want to get that.” he said.

lunchables

“Absolutely not.” I said as I  pushed the cart away, “When you see children that have that for lunch it means that their mother doesn’t love them…see how lucky you are to have me?”

He nodded and seemed to understand.

It reminded me in general as Mother’s Day approaches just how incredibly lucky Michael and Sam are to have me….

I am going to repost from last Mother’s Day my list of reasons why…..

TOP TEN REASONS WHY MY KIDS ARE LUCKY THAT I AM THEIR MOTHER:

1 – Of course – just stating the obvious here – but even though I am Italian and spent many years going tanning my kids are lucky enough that I don’t  roast them in a tanning bed.

2 – I let my children choose from refreshing beverages like milk or water and I give them Flintstones Vitamins with Extra C to build immunity! I don’t breastfeed them until they are old enough to have one hand on a Wii controller and the other on my boob.

3 – If I did do something that could potentially scar them for life or embarrass them in front of their friends, I wouldn’t let some magazine reporter and photographer document said activity and publish it for the world to see.  I would not do that even if it was for the cover of TIME Magazine, because although I have a blog which could be seen as a touch narcissistic, I am not a complete asshole.

4 – I actually spend time with my kids. I take them to the park, or read books to them, or take them to the library instead of spending my time  “bullet-ing” all day like  many mothers in America.

5 – I could possibly be considered a “milf.”  This is especially noticeable when compared to the “milgamo’s” around this town.    (“Milgamo” stands for – “moms I’d like to give a make-over.) This doesn’t necessarily mean much – but when the kids are older I am sure they will take comfort in knowing that when I pick them up from school I won’t be wearing ‘mom-jeans.”

6 – Even though other mothers in town seem to “forget” to comb their children’s hair or let their hair grow to the floor because  “Johnny doesn’t like getting his hair cut,” I get my boys frequent haircuts and comb their hair regularly.

I think it is important that they don’t look like drag queens on heroin at the bus stop - (like many young boys do these days.)

This is another little first grade boy that often sits next to my son on the bus....

This is another little first grade boy that often sits next to my son on the bus….

7 – I make sure that my children are not fat and lazy.  On nice days I often send them outside and lock all the doors, keeping them out for long stretches of time.

When they try to come inside and watch television or play video games, I yell and say “Do you want to be fat and lazy like all of your friends? Do you??” and shove them back out the door.

8 -I don’t really make them go to church.  My father made me go every living Sunday of my life. I think my kids are pretty lucky that I am too lazy and tired and not-god-fearing enough, to make them go.  When we do go on occasion, if they laugh and act crazy, I probably join in instead of yelling at them.  (Sorry Jesus.)

9 – I keep it real.  I don’t hide the nitty-gritty facts of life.  The threat that my children might some day really end up in “bad boy school,” keeps  everyone on their toes around here.  “Bad boy school” is a place that my mother-in-law taught me about.  It is a place where boys go when they are mean and rotten and can be conveniently seen from the highway!  I drive fast enough by it that they never really get a good look.

I always say “Oh look I see little sad faces peeking out the windows….See them??”

They always look out the window frantically with looks of horror – and say “Yes! I see them!!”

Otherwise known as the Colt Building in Hartford, it’s the “Bad Boy School” in the Gaga household. I always say as we drive by – “There it is kids! Keep it up and that’s where you will be living soon!”

10- I BLOG about my life and theirs – so they will have plenty of evidence of what a good mother I am and how much I love them!!!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE MOMS! AND AS A MOTHER’S DAY GIFT TO ME – PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!!XOXO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Blizzard Etiquette


Here in Connecticut we pretty much are at the point where we expect some sort of weather catastrophe every 2 months.

As usual, Blizzard Charlotte didn’t disappoint.

Gone are the days when there’s a snow storm and you stay home for a day, make a snowman, drink some hot chocolate and proceed with business as usual the next day.

Oh no – the nonsense began on Thursday – and school is closed tomorrow.

That will be DAY 4 of being indoors as a happy family.

Thursday and Friday morning were more storm preparation days when everyone was driving around like maniacs stockpiling food and gas hoarding to get ready for the blizzard.

I get it – it’s unpleasant and stressful, but people need to calm the fuck down.

The world is not ending.

Calm down people and stop being assholes.

Precipitation is not a green light for you to let loose all of your bad personality traits on strangers. Here are some rules:

TEN RULES OF BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE:

1 – YOU DON’T NEED THAT MUCH BREAD:

Of course I was at the store with everyone else in the world on Thursday stocking up on food supplies for the weekend.  I was basically thinking snacks, lunch and dinner, maybe some brownies.

Lo and behold the shelves were bare, because people act like they are going to be stuck in their house for 6 months.  This was the bread aisle.

bread-aisle-pre-storm-photo-by-jenneen-lee

And then there was this….

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

When I got home with a plantain and a box of firecrackers, I turned on the local news and they were interviewing a woman while she loaded up her car with groceries and she had no less than 50 loaves of bread in her trunk!!

BAD BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE YOU BREAD HOARDER!! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN TOWN THAT MIGHT LIKE A SANDWICH??

2 – AT GAS STATION KEEP PURCHASES LIMITED TO GAS

So after the grocery store was a bust I headed out to get gas.  After going to a couple of gas stations that ran out of gas, I landed at one that just had 6 huge lines.  It’s hard to pick which line to jump into – but I chose to get behind a guy that had a little car and he was in the middle of pumping, so I figured he would be quick.

He finished pumping, hung up the gas nozzle, pressed some buttons and then moseyed on into the gas station.  Cursing him, I glanced into my rearview to see if I could back up and switch lines, but I was blocked in.

We were all very pissed off.   When it’s the end of the world, anything can cause a riot.

After 15 minutes of waiting as more and more cars lined up behind me, he came out with a COFFEE!!!!

By the time he came out with his coffee - I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way.....

By the time he came out with his coffee – I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way…..

NO!!!!

NOT ALLOWED!!!!!

If it is Blizzard prep time and there is a gas line – you need to get your mid-afternoon coffee elsewhere, my friend.

#3 – MAKE WISE CHOICES ABOUT WHERE TO HUNKER DOWN:

My parents took this opportunity to go to their beach house before the storm “because they have a generator there.”  I tried to convince them that it was a bad idea but they don’t listen.

So of the 9000 households in the entire state of Connecticut that lost power, guess which town they were all in?

The town where my parent’s have their beach house of course!!

And the generator that my parents were so excited about? Oh yeah.. it broke.

Great idea!!!

After my mother told me this I called her back to check and see if they had found a solution.

“Well your father went out back and he got the generator going, but when the power went on in the house it exploded the television and now something’s burning in the house and we don’t know where…I have to go.” she hung up abruptly.

Later they ran out of gas for the generator because they had not planned properly and ended up nearly freezing to death.

While the “end of the world” people are insane – people who don’t prepare at all and make horrible choices that are unsafe are equally as disturbing.

Just sayin….

#4 -TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCOMPLISH SMALL TASKS:

Once you are snowed in – my theory is that it is a good time to organize, clean and get some projects done that you never have time for.

If you are left for too long with nothing to do it’s not good for you.  We went sledding today and a friend told me that her friend was going so crazy in the house with his wife and children that he signed up for Ashley Madison!!!!

I heard from friends and neighbors that were intoxicated for 3 days straight.

This is a perfect time to weed through the hoarding.

While I busily cleaned out Sam’s closet and shelves, I was knee-deep in LEGO’s and books when Sam casually mentioned that Mr. Gaga was snoring downstairs.

Not on my watch, buddy.  Too much down-time, sleeping, eating and drinking can lead to depression, fatness and divorce.

CLEAN AND ORGANIZE!!!  TRUST ME!

 #5 – WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS

Mr. Gaga would actually throw me into a burning fire to help strangers.  His “helpfulness” is a problem that we have been working on.

So it was shocking to me when our snowblower broke and we shoveled for 5 hours and nobody cared to help.

People with snowblowers just waved, zipped through their entire driveway and then dusted off their coats and headed indoors.

Are you kidding me??  Our cars were covered with so much snow that it took approximately 2 hours just to get them out.

car

We worked from 8:30 am until 12:30 to get this far…meanwhile our neighbor had done his entire driveway, dug out 4 cars and was sipping a scotch watching us out the window….

OUR BACKS ARE BROKEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!

#6 – DON’T LOSE STEAM

When you live in Antarctica and everything you own is covered with 3 feet of snow, you lose sight of what’s ok and not ok.

For example, after 4 delirious hours of back-breaking work – the vehicle above looked like it was in good shape to us.

At the time, this is what we actually saw when we looked at it:

[pictures_4ever_eu]%20saab,%20car,%20tuning,%20palm%20trees,%20beach%20126592

So I understand how you can lose steam and get confused about what is appropriate, but you must completely uncover your windshield and car roof before departing.  It is a must.  I think it’s even the law.

If you have dug out your driveway and car – just take a minute and at least dust off the windshield.

My neighbor decided to leave today with about 3 inches of windshield space clear.

van

He just peeled out of his driveway with van like this….

This is not advisable.

#7 – MOTHERS DON’T LIKE SNOW

There’s nothing worse than having a broken back from shoveling, having to watch your neighbors smoke cigars in their freshly snowblown driveways, knowing that your insane parents are living in a cold, powerless house that may or may not be on fire and then having your wretched children through a snowball at you.

Snowmen, balls, and forts are all Mr. Gaga territory.  The end.

#8 – SLEDDING ETIQUETTE FOR MORONS

Back in the day, children had common sense and inherently knew enough not to walk back up the middle of the hill while 30 children are waiting to go down on their sleds.

Not today.

We took the kids sledding and several children (one that was especially bad) would just walk right up the hill so nobody could go and then she would sit her bratty ass right down in front of the kids that were waiting and take another turn!!!

I had 3 days indoors at this point so I was loudly disagreeing with this behavior.

“Is she fucking kidding me right now?” I asked Mr. Gaga loudly amidst parents and young children.

His eyes bulged out of his head.  “BE QUIET!” he muttered.

That was the first time.

Then she did it AGAIN!!!

“What is she a dick?? Where are her parents?” I demanded.

(*In today’s world – on top of the children being little assholes the parents are all on the hill with the children micromanaging the sledding operation.)

Mr. Gaga took the kids and sleds and diplomatically moved to a different area of the hill, before any more trouble brewed.

Thank God – because things were about to get ugly.

#9 -IF YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, SOMEONE WILL GO INSANE

Because Mr. Gaga kind of steered me away from the brat on the hill, he thought  a crisis was averted.  However, what he failed to realize was that this town and in particular this hill was filled with little and big assholes.

Eventually it wasn’t just one little girl going up the wrong way…it was everyone!!!

hill

See how the children wait patiently at the top while 12 fucking twat-kids walk up the hill in front of them?

Finally, one of the kids couldn’t take it anymore and she went flying down the hill and took out a couple of kids.  Well, when that happened suddenly a dad went running down the hill to help his injured child and start yelling up the hill.

He was holding his enormous (too old to not know better 12-year-old daughter) and yelling at the whole crowd.

“PARENTS!! PARENTS!!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK UP THE SIDE OF THE HILL!! THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!”

Oh really you moron? You just noticed?

#10 – NO TEXTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLEDDING HILL

It’s really sad that today’s society is so dumb that this has to be on my list of rules.

At the end of all the sledding torture we were getting ready to leave and the safest way to get to the bottom of the hill and our car was to sled down.

I got ready to go.  I was on a saucer and Mr. Gaga was on a toboggan ahead of me, but we couldn’t go because there was a mother in the middle of the hill who had stopped midway up to TEXT!!

Yes – so I was waiting for her to finish her TEXT and move…but she didn’t.

“Just go.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“We are going to knock her over,” he answered.

“Good – she deserves it.” I answered.

Off he went purposely veering his sled away from the texter.

Off I went gunning for her with all my might.

As I came about two feet away she looked up and took one step back, enough so I could only kick her lightly with my boot.

“Oops,” she said as I sped by.

Right….ooops lady….whatever helps you sleep at night.

STAY WARM AND PLEASE REMEMBER THESE TIPS THE NEXT TIME THERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER – WHICH ACCORDING TO MY CONNECTICUT CALCULATIONS SHOULD BE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

ONLY A FEW DAYS LEFT TO VOTE!!!! PLEASE VOTE ONCE A DAY!!!

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Dear Mothers Expecting Baby #2,


I saw a friend this week strolling her 8-month-old baby in the mall.  She looked on the verge of tears. She had left her older child with her mother for an hour so she could have a break.  She said the previous day had been very bad.

“Oh the kids were driving you crazy?” I asked nonchalantly.

“No, I had a bad day as a mother…..and as a person,” she answered gravely, tears threatening to spill over.  She went on to tell me how she was feeling – but I didn’t need to hear the details.  I could just look at her eye sockets and the despair on her face and it all came flooding back to me.  I remember all-too vividly how I felt everyday for 3 years when I was home with two babies.

But this is the kicker….nobody warns you how difficult it will be with two children.  Nobody mentions how your whole world will get turned upside down and you will end up on the verge of a nervous breakdown.   As a result of getting blindsided you end up walking through Nordstrom with your baby in a haze of tears, guilt and despair.

That’s what I am here for….TO WARN YOU!!!

To keep it real for you people.

When you are pregnant with your first child, people shower you with gifts, compliments, foot rubs, unsolicited advice, old wives’ tales, hand-me-downs…..

When you are pregnant anytime after that – the general attitude you will get from people (including your husband) is – “You got this, right?”

Nobody cares anymore.

When you have one kid – you have to adjust and it is difficult at first.  You have to get used to running on empty.  You have to get used to putting someone else’s needs before your own.  You have to be a little less narcissistic, but yet, once you get used to all of this – it’s totally manageable.

When the second child comes, you are completely caught off-guard.  You have done this before, so you should be a pro.  It should be easier this time around….right?

WRONG.

Remember how tired you were with one baby?

Remember how guilty and confused you were with one baby?

Remember how much you wanted to smother your husband with your boppy with one baby?

Remember how fat you were with one baby?

Multiply all of that by 1 million percent.

I know what your thinking…..how can one extra little person make the percentage jump one million percent?

Trust me.

It just does.

Oh yeah – and remember that little bit of “me time” you had carved out when you had one child?

Oh, that’s actually completely gone now.  That little snippet of time is now alloted for the baby.

Oh yeah, and if there is an act of God and both children are sleeping or otherwise occupied – you still don’t get a minute to yourself – because that’s when the old needy, neglected husband will come a’ knockin.

You will have to find another avenue for your narcissism too, (thank you blog and Facebook.)

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you……

When Michael was 9 months old, with what little faculties I had at that point, I realized that if I were to ever come out of the state of shock and sleeplessness that I was in, then I would probably tell Mr. Gaga that I was done and put that shit* on lockdown.

(*”That shit” can be loosely defined as baby swings, diapers, and my uterus.)

If you saw me or spoke to me from 2005 to roughly mid-2009 – this is all I remember from the conversation….Sorry.

So in my baby-induced stupor I suggested that we have our children close in age.  Mr. Gaga basically just rolled over in bed and I was pregnant….Michael was 9-months-old.

This arrangement is not for the faint-of-heart.  Two boys came into my life  in an 18-months time span and I thought I would actually die.

If not from just sheer mental and physical exhaustion – but from the loss of self, the sucking up and vanishing of my soul…my actual being.

It was all gone.  My hopes, my dreams, my desires…they were all gone buried under a cloud of nipple pads, burp cloths and “Good Night Moon.”

One time I got a sitter and I went to the nail salon, and acted really crazy. I was hoping to get put away for “exhaustion” – but nobody cared……

I remember sitting on the couch attempting to breastfeed Sam while Michael cried and pulled on me.  Sam would cry because he couldn’t latch on to my boob, Michael would cry because he wanted me and I would cry because I was starting to realize that my life would never be mine again.

FYI – Nursing a baby while an 18 month old jumps all-over you is not recommended for the preservation of your sanity or your nipples.

At Sam’s 3 month check-up, the doctor asked how the breastfeeding was going.

I stared back at him and without emotion stated, “Well, this kid will have a super-duper immune system and no ear infections, but sadly he will also have no mother….because I will be in the institution…”

I thought for sure he was writing down that he advised a quick hospitalization for “exhaustion,” but when he left the room I looked at the notes – and it just said “Mother still fat and complaining about breastfeeding.”

Thankfully, my doctor did suggest switching to formula, time marched on and I survived.

When all was said and done – I always say it was an extremely tough 3 years and then things started to get easier.

The great pay-off now is that they are the best of friends.  They love each other so much and are inseparable.  I am grateful to think that they have each other and will always be close.

Of course as is to be expected they fight incessantly – but I know that they care about each other very much.  When I hear them in their rooms laughing together or watch them playing, I absolutely know that all of my hard work and loss of my soul is worth it in the end because they have each other.

Especially this morning when I went into Sam’s room and saw a little note folded next to his bed from his brother.  I love how they secretly communicate with each other with notes or pictures.  Sam idolizes his older brother, so much that he will keep every little scrap of paper that Michael gives him.

I sighed and thought how sweet my two little angels are as I opened it up to read it and saw this…..

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY? AT LEAST HE SAID SORRY…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA……COME ON I DESERVE IT AFTER WHAT THESE KIDS HAVE PUT ME THROUGH……

My placenta tastes better than your placenta……


We just had a conference week so EVERY DAY was early dismissal!! You know how the teachers in my town don’t like to stay at school anytime after 3:30…right?  

So by cutting the school day short they are able to eat 55 sandwiches and meet with parents without having a long day.

Anyways, so what we did to fill our days was host playdates!!  I was due for a bunch so we had 6 playdates this week and I have to say that now that the kids are getting older – it really isn’t too bad.

However – it made me think back to the time when I was locked up in the house with babies and had gotten roped into a playgroup.  Those playdates were the absolute worst hours of my life!!!

Let’s face it – the playdate for babies and toddlers is really an excuse for bored moms to get together and talk about how horrible their lives are. 

Of course, my luck is to get stuck with a bunch of women who want to talk about how much they love their children.

Playdates are also an opportunity for moms to participate in one of their favorite past-times which is to compete with other mothers. 

Why do we do it? 

Why do we even compete about food??

Why do we care?

But we do.

It starts right from the minute we get pregnant.

“You eat cold cuts? – Oh I would never, I haven’t even had a drop of coffee, not even decaf because Dr. Oz says there’s caffeine in decaf….”

Then we start right away competing with the whole breastfeeding war.

“I breastfed Ava right up until she was ready for first grade…I didn’t mind at all….”

Then we jump into food. 

Oh I would never feed my baby – baby food from a jar!!! I make all of my own baby food from scratch.  I bought a $300 baby food maker and it purees an organic banana like you wouldn’t believe.”

Of course some people even take it a step further.

January Jones recently announced that she has been consuming her own placenta since giving birth to her child.  This is the new cool thing to do apparently.  Placentas can be ground up and eaten in pill form for the squeamish…..

Alicia Silverstone has been all over the headlines because she believes that she is a bird.  Because of this – she spits food into her child’s mouth after she chews it for him.

Let me just say Alicia – there is something called a food processor.  I know you are out to win “Mom of the Century” but let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

There are many ways to cut up food.  If you didn’t want to waste energy by using a blender – (because I know how you hippies are) you could even use a good old fork and knife to cut things up.

I’m not quite sure what you are accomplishing by making out with your baby in this manner,  instead of just feeding him like a rational adult. 

When I got invited into my mommy cult playgroup – I was new to the world of playdates and wasn’t really aware of all of the rules and etiquette.

When it was my first time hosting, I racked my brain to think of the perfect snack that would make the kids like me the best.

It was my friend Martha that said "Good mothers don't feed their kids red and orange dyes......"

I didn’t know! 

I also was thinking that maybe these women (whom I had never met before) could be my new friends.   I had been in the house going crazy – my only communication being with long-distance friends on the phone.

I was kind of picturing this in my kitchen once a week:

I mean how bad could it be? We can talk some shit about other moms and neighbors, dish some celebrity gossip and ignore the kids..... This could be fun!!

So – when I was finished filling baskets with Doritos I got together some “Mommy treats”……

This did not go over well - apparently some people think that 10:30 am is too early for a Skinnygirl Cosmo......what a bunch of losers.

I slowly realized what was proper and acceptable and what wasn’t. 

Kids were given water or breast milk served directly from a huge engorged boob that was whipped out at any given moment with reckless abandon, and a choice of cut up grapes or goldfish crackers. 

Moms were served this:

Instead of running for my life after my first encounter with these idiots – I stuck it out for like 6 months.  I kept trying to talk to them truthfully about how difficult life was or how sometimes I would eat more than just my placenta pills at breakfast even though I was fat. 

They never responded appropriately, the way any of my real friends would.

One time they were all talking about how devastating it would be when the kids (who were all 2 at the time) started preschool. After everyone kept going on and on about how many tears they would shed when they left Brayden, Cayden, Layden and Jaden at the preschool for 2 hours, I interjected.

“Um – really? I intend to peel out of the parking lot at warp speeds and chain smoke Parliament Lights all the way home…….” I said matter-of-factly as I popped a chunk of my placenta into my mouth.

When I looked up this is what I saw…….

Nobody said a word.....Nobody laughed......a cricket chirped....and then I just got my coat and left.

What is happening to this world?

Why can’t we laugh at ourselves?

Why can’t we just feed our kids food and beverages and act normal???

WHY????

ATTENTION NEW MOTHERS!! 

Do not feel inferior to crazy lunatics that think their placenta is better than a Dorito. 

Do your best, feed your child in a calm rational manner.

Oh and one more thing……..Do not join a playgroup.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SINCE QUIT SMOKING – SO I THINK I DESERVE AT LEAST A VOTE ON THE LINK BELOW…..THANK YOU MUCH!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

Linking to

Mother Puckers


In the book “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell claims that to become a success at something you must complete 10,000 hours of practice; whether its music (the Beatles) golf (Tiger Woods) or computer programming (Bill Gates.)

Let’s just say, I think a lot of parents in my town have read this book and are frantically having their kids bang out some hours.

Let’s just say, I too, am a little competitive, and have been known to hate losing.  

I mean let’s be real people – who wouldn’t want a little Justin Beiber running around their huge mansion that he buys for me house.

So I sometimes get nervous that over here in the Gaga household we really haven’t started chipping away at the old 10,000 hours yet.

We have to find something first.

Tick – tock.

I mean these kids aren’t spring chickens……Michael is already 6. 

I think Michael Jackson already had a gold record by then – and McCauley Culkin was probably already nailing his audition for “Home Alone.”

Just sayin…..

I mean the streets of gold aren’t going to pave themselves…..

So last year – when my then 5-year-old announced that he would like to play hockey  – I thought it was a great idea.  We signed up for a “learn to skate” program. 

Some people said “You are nuts! It’s so expensive! It’s so much travel and you have to wake up at 5 am and go to games!”

I would just look at them knowingly – and explain that it was something that Michael wanted to do – so we were willing to try it out.

(In my head I thought – I am a super-awesome mom and you aren’t! I am willing to sacrifice so that my son can start his 10,000 hours and you are selfish.  5 am game time is no problem for my husband us – because we are great parents ……and you are assholes.   Have fun waiting for your short little white kid to get drafted for basketball…..losers….)

So that first day of hockey – my son fell 500 times.  It was absolutely heart-breaking to watch him flail about on the ice like a sea-lion.
 
God love him – he kept trying and he wanted to go back the next time, and so we kept going and he started to learn to skate.

But then I met …….the HOCKEY MOMS.   You have heard of the “soccer mom?” These women blow them out of the water…….(possibly with a rifle if it’s Sarah Palin we are talking about.)

It's probably not good that this is America's self-proclaimed "Hockey Mom".......

 
I quickly found out I wasn’t the awesome, superior mother I thought I was…….the “hockey moms” let me know that – real quick.
 
“Ooohhh – he’s just starting now?”  one mom said with a sad face watching Michael flail about on the ice on his belly like a beached whale.  “My son started when he was 3.”
 
“Hunter started when he was 2,” another mom said knowingly as her son zipped by us at the speed of light (backwards.)
 
“Well – Corey started when he was 3 months and now he’s 6 and looking to get drafted,” another mother added.
 
Ok – I made up the last one – but I think she was thinking it…..
 

This kid kept taking breaks to lay down - what a slacker. At least Michael did better than him......

 
So basically what they all wanted me to know was that at the early age of 5 years old – Michael was too late to start his 10, 000 hours.   Not only was I not the best mother in America like I had originally believed I was a horrible mother!!
 
So as usual – this is what I am up against in this crazy world of parenthood.   We ended up doing 20 weeks of skating last year and we were happy with our choice.
 
This year a lot of parents with kids Michael’s age (who by the way weren’t any better than Michael) – were going to put them on the town team.  This meant paying $500, and going every Saturday and Sunday at 8 am from early October until April. 
 
Michael was playing soccer until November and we thought he really wasn’t ready to play on the team (skill-wise.)
 
“Oh Tucker wasn’t ready either – so I hired Oksana Baiul’s coach.  We have private lessons 4 times a week.” one mother told me when I voiced my concerns.
 
WTF?  The only thing I do 4 times a week is laundry and who am I kidding I don’t even do  that.  If I spent the time and money for those lessons – my son better magically transform like in the Black Swan movie – into Oksana Baiul.

Strangely - this is what Tucker looks like now - after weeks of private lessons.....

 
“We did a summer camp where they played hockey all day everyday. They cried every morning that they didn’t want to go – but it helped,” another mother said.
 
Really – on a beautiful hot summer day -your kids were indoors on ice skates?Meanwhile – we were eating ice cream from the Good Humor man and going crabbing all summer….ooops. 
 
Needless to say – since I am failing miserably in the 10,000 hours department – when we picked back up this week with hockey it was a disaster.  We signed Michael up for a more advanced “Hockey Skills” class that we weren’t really sure he was ready for.
 
He was not.  He went to retrieve a puck and got stuck in the net and couldn’t get out and got demoted back to “Learn to Skate.”
 
“This is our fault! Maybe we should have done the summer camp!” I cried to my husband, “We are horrible parents – maybe Oksana is still available….”
 
“It’s more important that he had a fun summer and a normal childhood,” Mr. Gaga responded.
 
Sigh.
 
What is the right answer?? 
 
For now – we are going to work on skating for another season – and possibly sign up for a summer camp to keep up with it …..
 
(that is only if it doesn’t interfere with my “How to turn your child into the next YouTube Sensation seminar.)
 
JUST KIDDING!!!! OF COURSE I WOULDN’T WANT MY KIDS TO BE TORTURED YOUNG POP STARS!!!   ONLY A HORRIBLE MOTHER WOULD DO THAT – SO SINCE I AM A GREAT MOTHER AND A FUNNY MOTHER – YOU CAN CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW FOR ME!!!!  THANKS – LOVE, HOCKEY MOM (not)  LADY GOO GOO GAGA
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What I learned….


In February of 2011 I began this little anonymous blog, as a way to vent and tell stories of my experience as a mother.

I have so loved having you all read, comment, laugh and commiserate. I look forward to much more blogging in 2012 and thank you all for your support!!

2011 was a good year for me.  I finally started to feel like I could think about doing something for myself – something besides wiping a butt or emptying a dishwasher.  (Like start a blog!!)

If I had to pick one word for 2011 it would be “blog,”  because in the beginning of the year I didn’t even really know what a blog was, and now I have my mom blog and I also have a beauty blog, and blogging has become a huge part of my life!

If I had to pick one word for 2012 it will be “Tweet.”  From what I understand this is something I am supposed to be doing already, but as usual I am behind the eight-ball with technology – so I am going to figure it out and become a tweet-aholic.

Today I want to just review the year for those of you who might have missed some important stories….with the
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR…..(and one for good luck)

#1 – In February I started this blog and learned about other cultures at a Chinese child’s birthday party. This is where I was told to take off my shoes and wear the mother’s filthy slippers throughout the party.

#2 – In March, I came to the realization that my neighbor “Fran Drescher” is an utterly repulsive idiot.  I am so thankful that she moved across the country so I no longer have to be subjected to her filth or her children’s theater productions.

#3 – In April, I was an idiot and drove 19 hours in the car to Georgia, I learned that this is not necessarily a good idea.  As if it’s not bad enough being stuck in a vehicle for long periods of time,  I definitely learned that when one gets out of the car for short breaks, the Cracker Barrel is not the place to go.

#4 – In May, in honor of Mother’s Day I reviewed the ways “This is not my mother’s motherhood.”  Most of this list revolves around the fact that modern-day motherhood is wretched and torturous and my mother enjoyed leisure time watching the Days of Our Lives program and smoking cigarettes.

#5 – In June, school ended so I no longer had to look at or listen to Steven Keaton at the bus stop, and I figured out a way for my son to get the final revenge of the school year.  This school – year I learned that I must wear sunglasses rain or shine to avoid eye contact with any and all humans at said bus stop.

Imagine waking up every morning and having to watch this guy pretend he's going to take the bus to kindergarten.

#6 – In July, I learned that Bingo is very annoying, I will never win and it is not good for my mental health. If I continue to attend the yearly beach bingo I could possibly flip tables like Theresa Guidice.

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

#7 – In August, I learned that too much sun coupled with late nights spent watching Spongebob while his mother drinks wine, can actually turn a 5-year-old into the devil.  I got a lot of comments on this one – I think you all could relate to this story – especially when everyone on the beach clapped when we left….

#8 – In September, I was provoked by a moron in my “Moms Club” who decided to tell her 2-year-old there’s no such thing as Santa.  I learned that there is a level of horrible parenting that I was not aware of – Oooohh how I hate that woman and her husband.  In 2012 – stay tuned for more idiotic requests and questions from people who apparently can’t solve simple matters without sending out a mass email to 800 mothers.

#9 – In October, I escaped from Hell on Earth Connecticut and I learned it is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.  Although we had a great trip – it did take us until about Halloween to recover from the trip – and that was about the time that we had a storm that destroyed Connecticut life as we knew it.

#10 – In November, my hair turned into a Brillo pad and I learned how to survive without power for 10 days!!!!!  It took us until last week to recover from this fucking piece of shit storm and the piece of shit utilities company that we have here in lovely Connecticut.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

#11  – In December, I learned that some people in this household do not value Christmas traditions and schedules as much as I do…..and Mr. Gaga asked that I also say I learned that he is funnier than me……(which of course is not true.)

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it because I am an idiot?

Happy New Year!! Please start off the new year in a positive direction and vote for me was one of the Top Mommy Blogs!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to pour your heart out!!

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