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bus stop

Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!


I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800’s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?

Mine!

Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE!  I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

challenge97

What I learned….


In February of 2011 I began this little anonymous blog, as a way to vent and tell stories of my experience as a mother.

I have so loved having you all read, comment, laugh and commiserate. I look forward to much more blogging in 2012 and thank you all for your support!!

2011 was a good year for me.  I finally started to feel like I could think about doing something for myself – something besides wiping a butt or emptying a dishwasher.  (Like start a blog!!)

If I had to pick one word for 2011 it would be “blog,”  because in the beginning of the year I didn’t even really know what a blog was, and now I have my mom blog and I also have a beauty blog, and blogging has become a huge part of my life!

If I had to pick one word for 2012 it will be “Tweet.”  From what I understand this is something I am supposed to be doing already, but as usual I am behind the eight-ball with technology – so I am going to figure it out and become a tweet-aholic.

Today I want to just review the year for those of you who might have missed some important stories….with the
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR…..(and one for good luck)

#1 – In February I started this blog and learned about other cultures at a Chinese child’s birthday party. This is where I was told to take off my shoes and wear the mother’s filthy slippers throughout the party.

#2 – In March, I came to the realization that my neighbor “Fran Drescher” is an utterly repulsive idiot.  I am so thankful that she moved across the country so I no longer have to be subjected to her filth or her children’s theater productions.

#3 – In April, I was an idiot and drove 19 hours in the car to Georgia, I learned that this is not necessarily a good idea.  As if it’s not bad enough being stuck in a vehicle for long periods of time,  I definitely learned that when one gets out of the car for short breaks, the Cracker Barrel is not the place to go.

#4 – In May, in honor of Mother’s Day I reviewed the ways “This is not my mother’s motherhood.”  Most of this list revolves around the fact that modern-day motherhood is wretched and torturous and my mother enjoyed leisure time watching the Days of Our Lives program and smoking cigarettes.

#5 – In June, school ended so I no longer had to look at or listen to Steven Keaton at the bus stop, and I figured out a way for my son to get the final revenge of the school year.  This school – year I learned that I must wear sunglasses rain or shine to avoid eye contact with any and all humans at said bus stop.

Imagine waking up every morning and having to watch this guy pretend he's going to take the bus to kindergarten.

#6 – In July, I learned that Bingo is very annoying, I will never win and it is not good for my mental health. If I continue to attend the yearly beach bingo I could possibly flip tables like Theresa Guidice.

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

#7 – In August, I learned that too much sun coupled with late nights spent watching Spongebob while his mother drinks wine, can actually turn a 5-year-old into the devil.  I got a lot of comments on this one – I think you all could relate to this story – especially when everyone on the beach clapped when we left….

#8 – In September, I was provoked by a moron in my “Moms Club” who decided to tell her 2-year-old there’s no such thing as Santa.  I learned that there is a level of horrible parenting that I was not aware of – Oooohh how I hate that woman and her husband.  In 2012 – stay tuned for more idiotic requests and questions from people who apparently can’t solve simple matters without sending out a mass email to 800 mothers.

#9 – In October, I escaped from Hell on Earth Connecticut and I learned it is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.  Although we had a great trip – it did take us until about Halloween to recover from the trip – and that was about the time that we had a storm that destroyed Connecticut life as we knew it.

#10 – In November, my hair turned into a Brillo pad and I learned how to survive without power for 10 days!!!!!  It took us until last week to recover from this fucking piece of shit storm and the piece of shit utilities company that we have here in lovely Connecticut.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

#11  – In December, I learned that some people in this household do not value Christmas traditions and schedules as much as I do…..and Mr. Gaga asked that I also say I learned that he is funnier than me……(which of course is not true.)

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it because I am an idiot?

Happy New Year!! Please start off the new year in a positive direction and vote for me was one of the Top Mommy Blogs!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to pour your heart out!!

Top ten reasons why going “back to school” sucks


This week has really sucked.  I mentioned last week how I have been enjoying myself and I was forced into reality this week.  My last week of summer and the kids and myself were sick all week and then we had a hurricane.

Can you say quick spiral into depression?

I am so not into back to school mode – and not to be “Debbie Downer”- but the following is my top ten reasons why going back to school sucks:

1 – No Sleep: Lord help me – I have to wake up. My kids don’t sleep late – so I have been spending the whole summer letting them stay up watching inappropriate television, playing outside, going to the movies on the beach, in an effort to have them wake up late.  It worked perfectly.  We are now on a great schedule where we wake up between 8 and 8:30 and squeal into 9:00 camp on two wheels, the kids in ratty t-shirts and shorts, a pop-tart in one hand and a towel in the other.  When school starts the kids need a healthy breakfast, a packed snack and healthy lunch, matching clothing, brushed teeth and clean faces.  Michael’s bus comes at 8:05 am.  I’m screwed.

During the school year – I try to make something fun and healthy for breakfast like this!
During the summer – late nights coupled with lots of wine drinking often resulted in the kids eating a
breakfast on the go – usually whatever I could grab and hand to them…..See below:
 
 
 
 

 

2 -Rag Rotation: Just when I had gotten completely used to my summer “rags” -http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/riches-to-
rags/
I am going to soon have to face another season of not having all of the appropriate clothing items I need to be trendy and fabulous.  These items would include anything that hides my muffin top and is not from the Old Navy. 

3 – Sickness: Like the little weather game – a bunch of illnesses were thrown our way this week to remind us not to get too comfortable with all the fresh air and good health.  Soon my children will be surrounded by bird flu and head lice and filthy snot-nosed children that don’t comb their hair.  http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/tangled/

This week we were all sick and it is the first of probably 30 illnesses before next spring.

4 – Hurricanes and Nor’easters and Earthquakes: Apparently – in an effort to throw me right back into the reality that is the school year – the universe threw a whole bunch of weather our way this week.  This way I could feel the effects of staying in the house
for long periods of time, cooking, cleaning and playing UNO.

The winter is soooo long and soooo torturous.  On top of the obvious unpleasantness of being stuck in the house with children – I notice all of the chores I have neglected and am forced to clean and organize and cook.   I have mentioned before I lounge around during the summer, see below:

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

And while I am doing this -this is what my sink looks like:

This is what my sink looks like while I am at the beach- but guess what ...you cannot be happy or achieve a beautiful bronze skin tone by sitting around scrubbing pots and pans.....

You can’t notice the dishwasher needs to be emptied if you are reading US Weekly on the beach!

5 – A return to the bus stop: The last time we were there was after Michael punched some asshole in the face on the last day of school. 

Oh how I hate these people, and oh how I hate that they are the very first faces I see besides my own and my kids each day….Please read about my bus stop adventures if you missed it the first go-round – http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/06/26/the-fiery-gates-of-our-bus-stop/ You will not be disappointed.

6- Playdates: When does this actually end? My phone was blowing up this week from Moms that had children “just dying to see Michael!” or who’s son is “devastated that Sam isn’t in his class!!” – so “we have to do a playdate!” 

Really? 

It’s called they will see you on the first day of school – and by the way – Sam isn’t in his class because your kid is a monster and I requested that they be separated.  Just sayin….

7 – Birthday Parties: I am not kidding that we already got two birthday invitations this week.  Thank Jesus – one was for today and was postponed due to the hurricane.  Otherwise – we spend at least one day of every weekend participating in some birthday festivities for
children we barely know. (you know because you have to invite all 22 children from your class to your birthday) 

The last one we went to during this summer was quite the fiasco…http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/last-friday-night/

8 – No Camp:  Have I mentioned that I love the “beach camp” that the kids go to that is from 9 – 12 (break for lunch) and then 1-2:30?  Um – that is the most free-time I have had since college. 

See - this is me with some of my "mommy friends" enjoying a pool party while our kids are atcamp.....I'm just not going to have time for these kind of things during the school year.....

Now we are back to dumb-ass preschool which goes from about 9:00 am to 9:20 am and then on Fridays they do a shortened session so pick up is at 9:14 am.  I can maybe go
home and take a shower and then I have to go back and pick up.  It’s a joke. 

9 – Room Mothers: Have you met these people? They are insane! They have endless amounts of energy and take interest in all things related to their child and his or her class.  They inadvertently make me feel bad with their endless email updates and requests for volunteers that are “much-needed” and “so- appreciated!” 

One time I volunteered to help with a “Kindergarten regatta.” When I got there my job was to turn on the hose to fill the pool for the boats.  Really? You really need a volunteer for this?? 

This is me waiting at the arts and crafts table for someone to get me the hose....this kid kept asking for help with his letters ...so annoying.

These room mothers are also the people who request that we each send in $20 for the holiday gift for the teacher.  I mentioned the class was 22 children right??

10 – My babies are old:  Despite all my bitching about nonsense – the truth of the matter is that this is my last year with my son in preschool and next year he will be in full-day kindergarten and I will be left home with my dishwasher and my US Weekly that I have been coveting so much.  I have a feeling when I can finally read the dang thing – it’s not going to be nearly as fun or entertaining as my kids…

Thank god I have you guys – My loyal fans!! 

Please click the banner below to vote for this blog!! Thank you!!!!

“pouring my heart out” with www.thingsicantsay.com

 

10 Things I Wish For Independence Day


1 – My children will independently solve all their problems and fights.  They will independently share the Ipad, the Leapster and all other toys and devices that we only have one of.

2 – My kids’ teachers will independently teach their classes.  When I say independently I mean with help from para-professionals and student teachers; not ME or any other mother who comes along, that would otherwise be home scrapbooking or watching “The View,” but is now magically qualified to teach reading.

 3 – My children will independently be able to walk to and wait for the bus, (while I sleep.)

4 – Max and Ruby will no longer have to live independently. (My husband wanted me to mention this, because he has a strange obsession about a children’s show that features bunnies with no parents.)

5 – Other moms and dads will look at me, size me up, and independently realize that I don’t want to talk to them or their kid.

6 – Nobody will ever say they wet the bed or they are thirsty at 6 am.  I will open my eyes when I am independently ready to wake up.

7 – My boys will remain independent for a long time (maybe until they are 30) so there won’t be any annoying, bitchy girlfriends ruining everything.

8 – The fat cells in my stomach and thighs will independently melt away, even if  I continue to eat Carvel ice cream cake and popcorn on a regular basis.

9 – My kids will independently find a spot for every little Lego, Bakugan card and itty-bitty G.I. Joe rifle in their room, and these pieces will be in said spot every night before bed.

10 – My children’s private parts will independently shoot urine into the designated toilet, without misfires on the wall, floor or hand towel.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR LADY GOO GOO GAGA!!!!

 

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