Everyone is blogging about what they are thankful for…
I drove by two men riding their bikes in the middle of the road as though they were driving Range Rovers instead of ten-speed bikes today. Whenever this happens I honk my horn and give them a finger while loudly screaming out the window “YOU ARE NOT A CAR!!! STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A FUCKING CAR!!”
After that - it got me thinking…I think it’s high time someone blogged about what they are NOT thankful for…and who better to do it than Lady Goo Goo Gaga?
TEN THINGS I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR:
1 – See above about the people on the bikes…
2 -People that announce what they are thankful for:
To me these people belong in the same category as the “blessed” people. We know you are thankful and blessed. We know that you have a great life..a great hubby…your cat is super awesome, you’re super awesome and your kids are on the honor roll, are black belts in karate and speak Japanese….
We don’t care. Keep your blessings and thankfulness to yourself.
3 - People who live in the Northeast yet continually feel compelled to discuss the weather:
Ok, here’s the deal, if you live in Connecticut or anywhere in the Northeast portion of the country – I am fairly certain this isn’t your first rodeo. You know that after Halloween things are pretty much all downhill in the weather department.
You also knowingly have made an educated choice to live here for some reason. You received information at some point in your life about the four seasons, you have seen weathermen with yardsticks measuring several feet of snow and for some unthinkable reason at some point in your life you said to yourself, “I think I am going to reside in Connecticut!!”
So after all of that, please explain to me why on earth you insist on waking up everyday, putting on a puff jacket, and a hat and gloves and to every human being you see, you exclaim “Can you believe how cold it is? I can’t believe it!!!”
Why can’t you believe it? Why not? You knew this would happen….you knew!!! Please don’t wake up everyday from October to May and pretend you are shocked and surprised about what’s happening.
4- People who read and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey:
I might be beating a dead “anal bead” with this one but I just cannot get over it. Just the other day someone mentioned it and said she was thinking about reading it and I got angry all over again. I just am not thankful for this book or for the author. She has done women and readers across the land a huge disservice.
5 - People who can’t drive when the sun is setting:
I drive a lot for work. I value my time and am usually already pretty annoyed that I am spending a lot of time on the road. There are inevitably accidents, construction and other disturbances that can cause traffic jams.
Often there will be a huge backup of cars and my commute will be extended by 45 minutes to an hour. I will honk my horn and curse and smash my head on the steering wheel…sometimes I cry.
When this happens, it only makes it so much worse to find out that it is all because the sun is setting.
GET A FUCKING PAIR OF RAYBANS AND DRIVE YOUR FUCKING VEHICLE EVERYBODY!
Did you ever hear the phrase “Driving off into the sunset?” Ok it’s a phrase that we are familiar with because PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! THEY DRIVE INTO the SUNSET.
Oh and do you know above your head there’s a little flap that you can fold down?
IT’S A SUN VISOR!.
USE IT YOU STUPID MORONS.
I cannot even begin to tell you how furious I become when this happens….not thankful for people who don’t have sunglasses…..not thankful at all.
6 - Moustaches:
I know that recently some clever person has fooled us all into thinking that moustaches are cool and trendy, but let’s be real. Nothing good has ever come from having a moustache.
Trust me as someone who has one…they are not fun or cute. They are not trendy or clever or cool.
They are nothing but a nuisance. To top things off it’s MOVEMBER - so Mr. Gaga is sporting a pretty nasty looking stache’ to raise money for prostate cancer and it’s just gross. Who could argue the case to say that moustaches are cool??
This morning there were actual eggs stuck in Mr. Gaga’s moustache….I think that’s all that really needs to be said.
I mean how did this even start??
And for the love of God ….when will it end?
7 – The Kardashians
It’s enough. I was all for watching their reality show 18 years ago when it all started….
Enough is enough.
Now we have to be subjected to looking at Kim and her huge ass trotting around with Kanye West every two seconds, Khloe chasing around Lamar in various crystal meth dens in L.A. and (in the latest instance of Kris Jenner selling her child down the river) little Kendall Jenner showing her boobs on Instagram.
These people give me the kreeps!!!
When will this kalamity kome to a klose?
8 – Santa Ruiners:
This time of year we have to be on our toes. There are many people in town who seem determined to scream from the rooftops that there is no Santa.
And then there’s just dumb kids whose parents don’t instruct them to not talk about Santa inappropriately at school.
Then there’s dumb kids that literally just don’t know any better.
My son recently gave a pencil to each kid in his class because we had about 500 pencils in the kitchen drawer(remind me to blog about pencils another day by the way.)
He came home and told me that a little girl came up to him and held her pencil out with disgust. She apparently didn’t like the pencil because she wasn’t familiar with the cartoon character on it.
“Who’s this?” she asked with disgust.
I get it…you don’t celebrate Christmas but really?? You don’t know who this guy is?
Have you entered a mall of any kind between November to January?
Have you watched the Macy’s Day Parade or Home Alone?
What do you mean “Who’s this?”
9 - Stores that are open on Thanksgiving:
What has this world come to?
The American tradition is to eat as much food as is humanly possible. When you are about to burst, take a nap.
Wake up from your nap.
Eat dessert…..for the second time that day.
Go back to bed.
Wake up early in the morning. Drive to nearest Best Buy, Walmart or Target. Trample as many human beings as it takes to get to the largest, widest screen television you can find. Purchase said television along with some toys, an Ipad, an Ipod, a kindle and an XBox.
Go home, eat leftovers and take a nap.
I’m sorry – I just don’t know why we would mess with a perfectly good system.
10 – People who write me hate mail:
Especially those of you who are going to send me messages and comments this week about what a horrible person I am and how I should be thankful and happy and blessed and blah blah blah.
I’m thankful for many things….it’s just that….
That’s not funny.
Lighten up people!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK...PEOPLE MIGHT BE SICK OF ALL THE THANKFULNESS!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA