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Tag Archives: 50 Shades of Grey

TEN THINGS IM NOT THANKFUL FOR


Everyone is blogging about what they are thankful for…

I drove by two men riding their bikes in the middle of the road as though they were driving Range Rovers instead of ten-speed bikes today.  Whenever this happens I honk my horn and give them a finger while loudly screaming out the window “YOU ARE NOT A CAR!!! STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A FUCKING CAR!!”

If it's girls on the bikes I yell "Get out of my way you fucking whores!!" But only if the kids aren't with me.

If it’s girls on the bikes I yell “Get out of my way you fucking whores!!” But only if the kids aren’t with me.

After that - it got me thinking…I think it’s high time someone blogged about what they are NOT thankful for…and who better to do it than Lady Goo Goo Gaga?

TEN THINGS I’M NOT THANKFUL FOR:

1 – See above about the people on the bikes…

2 -People that announce what they are thankful for: 

To me these people belong in the same category as the “blessed” people.  We know you are thankful and blessed.  We know that you have a great life..a great hubby…your cat is super awesome, you’re super awesome and your kids are on the honor roll, are black belts in karate and speak Japanese….

We don’t care.  Keep your blessings and thankfulness to yourself.

3 - People who live in the Northeast yet continually feel compelled to discuss the weather:

Ok, here’s the deal, if you live in Connecticut or anywhere in the Northeast portion of the country – I am fairly certain this isn’t your first rodeo.  You know that after Halloween things are pretty much all downhill in the weather department.

You also knowingly have made an educated choice to live here for some reason.  You received information at some point in your life about the four seasons, you have seen weathermen with yardsticks measuring several feet of snow and for some unthinkable reason at some point in your life you said to yourself, “I think I am going to reside in Connecticut!!”

So after all of that, please explain to me why on earth you insist on waking up everyday, putting on a puff jacket, and a hat and gloves and to every human being you see, you exclaim “Can you believe how cold it is? I can’t believe it!!!”

Why can’t you believe it?  Why not? You knew this would happen….you knew!!!  Please don’t wake up everyday from October to May and pretend you are shocked and surprised about what’s happening.

 4- People who read and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey:

I might be beating a dead “anal bead” with this one but I just cannot get over it.  Just the other day someone mentioned it and said she was thinking about reading it and I got angry all over again.  I just am not thankful for this book or for the author.  She has done women and readers across the land a huge disservice.

5 - People who can’t drive when the sun is setting:

I drive a lot for work.  I value my time and am usually already pretty annoyed that I am spending a lot of time on the road.  There are inevitably accidents, construction and other disturbances that can cause traffic jams.

Often there will be a huge backup of cars and my commute will be extended by 45 minutes to an hour.  I will honk my horn and curse and smash my head on the steering wheel…sometimes I cry.

When this happens, it only makes it so much worse to find out that it is all because the sun is setting.

GET A FUCKING PAIR OF RAYBANS AND DRIVE YOUR FUCKING VEHICLE EVERYBODY!

Did you ever hear the phrase “Driving off into the sunset?”  Ok it’s a phrase that we are familiar with because PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! THEY DRIVE INTO the SUNSET.

Oh and do you know above your head there’s a little flap that you can fold down?

IT’S A SUN VISOR!.

USE IT YOU STUPID MORONS.

I cannot even begin to tell you how furious I become when this happens….not thankful for people who don’t have sunglasses…..not thankful at all.

6 - Moustaches:

I know that recently some clever person has fooled us all into thinking that moustaches are cool and trendy, but let’s be real. Nothing good has ever come from having a moustache.

Trust me as someone who has one…they are not fun or cute.  They are not trendy or clever or cool.

They are nothing but a nuisance.  To top things off it’s MOVEMBER - so Mr. Gaga is sporting a pretty nasty looking stache’ to raise money for prostate cancer and it’s just gross.  Who could argue the case to say that moustaches are cool??

This morning there were actual eggs stuck in Mr. Gaga’s moustache….I think that’s all that really needs to be said.

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I mean how did this even start??

And for the love of God ….when will it end?

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7 – The Kardashians

It’s enough.  I was all for watching their reality show 18 years ago when it all started….

Enough is enough.

Now we have to be subjected to looking at Kim and her huge ass trotting around with Kanye West every two seconds, Khloe chasing around Lamar in various crystal meth dens in L.A. and (in the latest instance of Kris Jenner selling her child down the river) little Kendall Jenner showing her boobs on Instagram.

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These people give me the kreeps!!!

When will this kalamity kome to a klose?

8 – Santa Ruiners:

This time of year we have to be on our toes.  There are many people in town who seem determined to scream from the rooftops that there is no Santa.

Of course there was the infamous woman in my mom’s group many years ago that wanted to inform her two- year-old that Santa didn’t exist.

And then there’s just dumb kids whose parents don’t instruct them to not talk about Santa inappropriately at school.

Then there’s dumb kids that literally just don’t know any better.

My son recently gave a pencil to each kid in his class because we had about 500 pencils in the kitchen drawer(remind me to blog about pencils another day by the way.)

He came home and told me that a little girl came up to him and held her pencil out with disgust.  She apparently didn’t like the pencil because she wasn’t familiar with the cartoon character on it.

“Who’s this?” she asked with disgust.

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Really??

I get it…you don’t celebrate Christmas but really?? You don’t know who this guy is?

Have you entered a mall of any kind between November to January?

Have you watched the Macy’s Day Parade or Home Alone?

Do you see people with white beards and red hats everywhere??

What do you mean “Who’s this?”

9 - Stores that are open on Thanksgiving:

What has this world come to?

The American tradition is to eat as much food as is humanly possible.  When you are about to burst, take a nap.

Wake up from your nap.

Eat more.

Eat dessert…..for the second time that day.

Go back to bed.

Wake up early in the morning.  Drive to nearest Best Buy, Walmart or Target.  Trample as many human beings as it takes to get to the largest, widest screen television you can find.  Purchase said television along with some toys, an Ipad, an Ipod, a kindle and an XBox.

Go home, eat leftovers and take a nap.

I’m sorry – I just don’t know why we would mess with a perfectly good system.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday...I don't see why we need to change anything.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday…I don’t see why we need to change anything.

10 – People who write me hate mail:

Especially those of you who are going to send me messages and comments this week about what a horrible person I am and how I should be thankful and happy and blessed and blah blah blah.

I’m thankful for many things….it’s just that….

That’s not funny.

Lighten up people!!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!  PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK...PEOPLE MIGHT BE SICK OF ALL THE THANKFULNESS!!!  XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Leaning out


Everyone is all abuzz about the latest book from one of America’s top female executives.

Sheryl Sandberg has published a book titled “Lean In,” outlining out women can succeed in today’s world, and how they can avoid holding themselves back.

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“Oh look at me..I am so happy and perfect. I am not afraid of success like all of you losers…Oh and I wear all white clothing and never get stains on them….”

She suggests that many women fear if they climb too high at the office then they won’t have enough time for their children.

She offers ways to get over that and “lean in” towards your career goals instead of “pushing away” from success in order to care for the children that you chose to bring into this world.

Well Sheryl…I am leaning out.

The only thing "leaning" around here is this stack of dirty laundry...and no this is not a reenactment...it's my real life on Sunday mornings.

The only thing “leaning” around here is this stack of dirty laundry…and no this is not a reenactment…it’s my real life on Sunday mornings.

I am sure that she hasn’t become one of Fortune’s list of the 50 Most Powerful Women in Business and as one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, by sitting around joining playgroups and making fun of Kim Kardashian on her blog…but still.

These women crack me up.  She says that when we stop being afraid of success we can “pursue our goals with gusto!”

The only thing I am doing with “gusto” around here is drinking and consuming carbs.  Is it not enough that you are a gazillionaire Sheryl?  Do you have to rub our noses in it? Do you have to tell us that it is within our reach to be successful but it’s our own stupid faults for being afraid of success?

I am not afraid of success…I wish I was successful.  I wish I could be writing this from Lisa Vanderplump’s mansion in Beverly Hill right now.  That would be totally awesome.  What I am afraid of is raising two monsters who will grow up being cared for by a series of nannies and after-school programs to be fat, disrespectful, idiots with no family values.

I have mentioned that I sell push-up bras part-time.”  That 20 hours of menial work has taken me away from conferences, games and having dinner with my family many times.  If my little job takes up my time, let’s try to imagine all the time that it takes for Sheryl to be a COO of a Fortune 500 company.

Let’s face facts, there’s no way that Sheryl is interacting regularly or (dare I say), as much as she should with her children, and she states in the book that she herself has grappled with guilt and concern for her children.

Her message is push that guilt and worry aside and reach for the gold! You can do it women!!

Great Sheryl - now you are even making the women who are working feel bad.  Can’t you just enjoy the view from your spacious Facebook office and your Louboutin and white sweater collection and leave us alone?

Look at my "leaning" tower of magazines that I haven't gotten to yet....(and yes instead of learning his alphabet enjoys drawing moustaches on models...so what?)

Oh Sheryl speaking of “leaning”….look at my “leaning” tower of magazines that I haven’t gotten to yet….(and yes instead of learning his alphabet Sam enjoys drawing moustaches on models…so what?)

I have chosen to bring these two boys to life and I feel it’s my responsiblity to be with them as much as I can.  I have to say Sheryl say she does not look down upon stay-at-home parents, she just secretly thinks we are all big fat losers.

I would love nothing more than to go full-steam ahead with my push-up bra career, but to what end?  We have to be real – when you choose to “lean in” and focus so intently on career, who are leaving something or someone behind.  That is just fact.

Who is watching this woman’s children? Who is tucking them in at night? Who is getting them off of the bus or watching their soccer game?  If  hired help or even a husband is doing all of that, then that is a very conscious decision that one must make as a mother.

Oh Sheryl, look at these leaning condiments...do you think they are just going to replace themselves??

Oh and Sheryl, look at these leaning condiments…do you think they are just going to replace themselves??

Sheryl says on her blog, “Together, we can create a world where everyone—women and men, girls and boys—has true choice and equal opportunity to follow his or her dreams.”

She seems very nice and positive, but this is simply not true.

I have said many times that Mr. Gaga is extremely supportive, very helpful with the children and the household chores, and is possibly one of the most patient and loving men I know.   Yet none of that takes any weight off my shoulders.  Simply because he is not a mom, he will never be a mom and that is innately the trouble with this whole debate.

We will never be equal.  Men and women are inherently different and always will be.  Maybe we would feel better if we could accept that a little bit, take off our power suits and just know that there are no answers to having it all and there never will be.

For my purposes, I am decidedly “leaning out.”  With no real Fortune magazine-worthy career to escape to….I am here for the better part of Sam and Michael’s childhood wallowing in guilt and self-pity just as much as all of the working moms are for different reasons.

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This is me “leaning in” to make sure I am hearing correctly all of the insane bullshit that mothers say aloud in this town on a regular basis….

I asked a friend (who appears to juggle 3 children’s busy activities, a household and a career with “gusto.”) if she was happy with her life.

Her answer was very interesting to me.  She thought about it and went on to list some concerns, stuff she worries about and some parenting she thinks could use improvement on.  She stopped to think about other moms she knew that seemed to be “doing it all.”

She said , “You know now that I think about it I can’t think of one mother I know that would answer that question by saying, ‘Yes, I think I am doing a great job.”

Isn’t that sad? Isn’t it the crux of everything? That we will never be fulfilled either way?

And do people have to keep writing books and talking about it in circles?

LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE SHERYL!! YOU ARE FREAKING US OUT!!!

Can’t I just watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and eat 500 Cadbury mini eggs in peace?

Now off she goes to sell 80 million books and rake in some more dough because basically we are so desperate for answers we will read anything.

Sigh.

You know things are bad when I miss “50 Shades of Gray.”

IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK!! I GREATLY APPRECIATE IT;)

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!


I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800′s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?

Mine!

Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE!  I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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The truth will set us free!!


Everyone is just spilling every bean they own lately.

First Al Roker decided to bust the news, years after the fact, that he pooped his pants at the White House during a press conference.

I am sorry – but why are you telling us this Al?  This little bout with telling the truth – falls into the category of TMI for me.

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also shit in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by this dog....

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also took a huge dump in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by a dog….

Sometimes it is good to tell the truth. Sometimes one lie leads to another which leads to another and before you know it your life and other people’s lives are  destroyed.

I guess Lance Armstrong missed the episode when Oprah single-handedly annihilated James Frey’s career.  She basically verbally castrated him for lying about his book “A Million Little Pieces,” being a memoir; because she was horrified that someone had LIED to her on her show!!  (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)

Because he probably hadn’t seen much of the Oprah Show, and wasn’t familiar with her smug questioning and holier than thou attitude towards LIARS, he was surely uncomfortable once this little interview began.

Lance made the ill-fated decision to spread out the words “I cheated” into 2 hours of action-packed questioning from Oprah Winfrey.

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Now who benefits from this besides Oprah?  Probably nobody – but Al and Lance just needed to get something off their chests.

It just feels better when you come clean.

I am a big fan of being honest…..maybe TOO honest for some people’s tastes…

What on earth is the point of lying all the time?

You know who lies way more than Lance Armstrong?

Mothers.

For some reason, mothers feel compelled to tell other mothers lies.

Constant, constant lies.

We need to stop the nonsense.

Do we want to end up getting caught up in a web of lies and land ourselves on national television talking about how we shit ourselves?

No?

Then it needs to stop.

TEN LIES MOMS NEED TO STOP TELLING EACH OTHER:

1-”Oh my God, I am running late because I was trying to finish up a project and lost track of time!”

Stay at home moms are notorious for pretending they are doing lots of all-important stuff when in fact they are watching television, blogging and taking a nap.  We all have days where we take it easy.  Own it.  Don’t come running to the bus stop late talking about what a busy day you’ve had….I can see the sheet lines on your cheek.

2 - “I eat so much! The weight just came off because I breastfed!”

Look, Heidi Klum, (you know…the Victoria’s Secret runway model) said that she starved herself to be able to go back to modeling shortly after giving birth.  She said it was extremely difficult and that she literally felt like she was going to die.  Please don’t tell me that you eat all the time when in fact you drink hot water with lemon for dinner and juice for breakfast and lunch….it’s insulting.

3 -“I love babies!”

What? What do you love about them? Their smell, ok, their soft skin, ok, their cute little fingers and toes, ok….Then what?

Do you love their puke and their runny poops? So, do you love when the runny poop goes up their back and you have to peel poop clothes off of them and wash more laundry and give the baby a bath?

Do you love their blood-curdling screams waking you up in the night?

I’m not buying any of this.

4 - “I am so blessed.”

You “blessed” people drive me nuts.  We are all blessed in some way.  I just find it very rare that someone makes that statement in an appropriate fashion.  It’s beyond absurd that you would feel it necessary to announce such a thing.   Don’t say it…just think it in your head…trust me…nobody cares.

5 -”We don’t have cable, and I don’t miss it at all!”

Stop being stupid.  This is something mothers like to announce so that we know what great parenting they are doing.  They want us to know how they spend their evenings reading literature and playing Scrabble with their children instead of watching TV.

Of course you miss it.  I’m sorry, are you Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison? Are you so intelligent that you are above good quality television programming? Stop it.

6 – “I don’t even put moisturizer on my face…I don’t have time!!”

This whole pretending to be low-maintenance thing is quite common among mothers.  They pretend that they don’t care about their skin and wrinkles.

They pretend that they weren’t staring at their pores all morning in their magnifying mirror.

You don’t care about aging? That’s funny…how come your entire forehead is frozen solid? Weird….

7 – “Oh how I love to cook!”

Since the Food Network became popular as well as programs like Top Chef, everyone loves to pretend they are the Barefoot Contessa.  EVERYONE eats only  fresh and organic foods straight from Whole Foods Market!!   And all good mothers feel compelled to pretend that they are whipping up gourmet meals for their families.

These women think it’s cool to pretend that they are Martha Stewart.  Too bad their kids are all too quick to tell me that they had a waffle for dinner last night and a pop tart for breakfast.  Nice try ladies….nice try.

8 - “I don’t have to work…it’s just that I just love my job!!”

I hate when people say “I don’t have to work.”  First of all it’s rude.  You are implying with that statement that we are all lowly peasants that have to work so we can pay our bills, but you are above that.  You just looooovvvee to work!!!

You are magically the only living American person that is working for pure fun!!

Everyone HAS to work in some capacity.  Even Madonna and Mark Zuckerberg have to work…..so stop saying that…you are only fooling yourself.

9 - -”I love breastfeeding!”

Now these are some sadistic motherfuckers that make this statement.

I’m sorry – I don’t see how one could find it enjoyable to feed a baby all day on call like a piece of cattle.

I didn’t really enjoy having to stop what I was doing every hour and find a spot where I could safely just whip out my boob and feed a baby for 45 minutes.  I also wasn’t thrilled with the huge engorged breasts that would start leaking milk if I god forbid chose to take some time for myself at somewhere luxurious like the grocery store or the mall.

My favorite part though was the bloody nipples that would be raw and oozing….I could see how someone could really love that.

10 – “I love being pregnant!”

So what is it exactly that you love? Is it that you love weighing 200 pounds?

You love a human being kicking the shit out of your organs and making you sick and constipated? You love not being able to bend down and tie your shoes?

Maybe it’s that when you get a cold you can’t even take medicine.  Or could it be the pretty maternity clothes and huge underwears that you find yourself wearing?

Is it that you love not being able to sleep at night or is it that you can’t have any alcohol or eat a turkey sandwich?  Do you love not having energy and being utterly exhausted all day?

Do you love being hormonal and crying at everything? Is it that you love going to the gynocologist constantly?  Maybe you like to drink that sugary syrup for the diabetes test….

What is it exactly about being pregnant that you love??  I need to know.

Wouldn’t life be great if we could all be a little more HONEST with ourselves and each other!!!!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK AND I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME MORE LIES YOU HAVE TOLD OR HEARD…I AM SURE THERE ARE SOME GOOD ONES I’M FORGETTING!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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What I Learned 2012


As I looked back over my blog entries for 2012 I realized that it has been a long and interesting year.

I have learned a lot about myself and more importantly about all of you and what you find interesting and what you can relate to.

My most-read post of the year was my letter, “Dear Beyonce” which was posted after she rented an entire floor of a hospital in New York City to give birth to her child.

I actually received a lot of hate comments for that one, as well as praise.  If you review the comments you will notice some insane Beyonce lovers chimed in…..

Was this post so popular because those of us who are mothers like to warn new moms what to expect?

Or is it sadly that we have become a celebrity-obsessed culture that reads US Weekly as regularly and whole-heartedly as generations before us would read Time and Newsweek?  That we are just so obsessed with every minute detail of the lives of the rich and famous that we tune in to read about anything diva-related?

Sadly, as an avid US Weekly reader, I think it’s the latter.

In the beginning of last year, I was grappling with how to work and maintain my household, my sanity and not let looks go completely down the toilet.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work.........

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work………with blatant disregard for my moustache and camel-toe…..

In the spring, I hadn’t much headway in the looks department, but I had at least stopped working as much so I had time to sleep.  I shared how I still am trying to catch up on sleep I lost when I was breastfeeding.

I also, shared a tale of how I was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t wake up in time to save my poor brother from seeing my boob hanging out of my shirt one morning.

I have mentioned before how my boobs have really become deformed since the children destroyed my body from head to toe….my poor, poor brother.

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

This spring, as 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves, I learned a lot about trends in America for women.  First, I was shocked to discover that apparently everyone just has oodles of time to sit home and masturbate all day while they fantasize about being handcuffed and beaten.

Who knew?

breakfast bubble

Then, just as I was recovering from this news, I had to find out that women right and left were chowing down on their own placenta.  

As if that wasn’t offensive enough, “ways of feeding American children” reached a new low when Alicia Silverstone was all over the news demonstrating how she chews up food and spits it into her child’s mouth.

This kind of weird parenting could result in children that are complete freaks.

They could end up being total cry babies, that whine and complain about everything….

This was the behavior that basically every child exhibited on my son’s baseball team this summer.

Oh and while the boys roam the fields looking for mushrooms and shit their pants while they are running to the wrong base, their parents could care less.

It was absolutely astonishing. Hopefully next season will be better!

This dad of one of the players, put his IPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again......

This dad of one of the players, put his iPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again……

After baseball was over, we went on a crazy “vacation” with my in-laws, and then went to the beach for the rest of the summer, which was lovely.

Then we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair's very balanced meal....

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair’s very balanced meal….If any kindergartener had any doubt about if Blair’s mother loved her or not…I think it will be quite clear after this lunch is revealed……

In October, we were yet again devastated by a storm.

You would think we would be prepared since the last storm, but we weren’t.

So I had to brave the stores searching for batteries and water.  It wasn’t pretty.

Don't be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

Don’t be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

We survived with minimal damage, but I hosted my Thanksgiving run and raised money for victims of Storm Sandy in New York.

In December, I have taken a lot of time to reflect on life and the world that we live in after the absolutely heart-breaking school shooting that happened here in Connecticut.

We have a lot to think about and change to make sure that our children can grow up safe and happy and healthy.

But when I had a spare moment during the holidays, I did have time to make fun of people who decorate their vehicles with antlers and noses.

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Please leave me a comment letting me know what was your favorite post of 2012….BESIDES “DEAR BEYONCE!!!”

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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10 Reasons Why My Kids are Lucky to Have Me as their Mother


What?

Did you think I was going to get sentimental and mushy about how lucky I am to be a mother just because it’s Mother’s Day?

Nope, that’s not going to happen.

Of course, I absolutely love my boys more than words can say – but quite frankly that’s boring.

Who wants to hear about how great motherhood is and how blessed I am to have two gorgeous, happy, funny, sweet boys? 

I was thinking instead of talking about how great my kids are on MOTHER’S DAY I should talk about how great I AM!!!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY MY KIDS ARE LUCKY THAT I AM THEIR MOTHER:

1 – Of course – just stating the obvious here – but even though I am Italian and spent many years going tanning my kids are lucky enough that I don’t  roast them in a tanning bed.

2 – I let my children choose from refreshing beverages like milk or water and I give them Flintstones Vitamins with Extra C to build immunity!  I don’t breastfeed them until they are old enough to have one hand on a Wii controller and the other on my boob.

3 - If I did do something that could potentially scar them for life or embarrass them in front of their friends, I wouldn’t let some magazine reporter and photographer document said activity and publish it for the world to see.  I would not do that even if it was for the cover of TIME Magazine, because although I have a blog which could be seen as a touch narcissistic, I am not a complete asshole.  

*Side note: Although I would love to talk more about this – that is all I am going to say about US Weekly TIME Magazine!!  I see what you are doing MR. TIME Magazine Editor….I’ve got your number….and I am not going to give you the satisfaction of getting annoyed about it…..because that’s WHAT YOU WANT!!! You want us to all bicker and fight about who is the best MOM on MOTHER’S DAY!!! I am not going to do that.  I am just going to give a list of  why I AM THE BEST MOTHER…..for other reasons besides breastfeeding….because guess what???  BREASTFEEDING OR NOT BREASTFEEDING does not actually define MOTHERHOOD!!!

Anyhoo….

4 - I actually spend time with my kids. I take them to the park, or read books to them, or take them to the library instead of spending my time  “bullet-ing” all day like  many mothers in America.

5 – I could possibly be considered a “milf.”  This is especially noticeable when compared to the “milgamo’s” around this town.    (“Milgamo” stands for – “moms I’d like to give a make-over.) This doesn’t necessarily mean much – but when the kids are older I am sure they will take comfort in knowing that when I pick them up from school I won’t be wearing ‘mom-jeans.”

6 - Even though other mothers in town seem to “forget” to comb their children’s hair or let their hair grow to the floor because  “Johnny doesn’t like getting his hair cut,” I get my boys frequent haircuts and comb their hair regularly. 

I think it is important that they don’t look like drag queens on heroin at the bus stop - (like many young boys do these days.)

This little boy is in 1st grade with Michael and often sits next to him on the bus….

 7 – I make sure that my children are not fat and lazy.  On nice days I often send them outside and lock all the doors, keeping them out for long stretches of time. 

When they try to come inside and watch television or play video games, I yell and say “Do you want to be fat and lazy like all of your friends? Do you??” and shove them back out the door.

8 -I don’t really make them go to church.  My father made me go every living Sunday of my life.  I think my kids are pretty lucky that I am too lazy and tired and not-god-fearing enough, to make them go.  When we do go on occasion, if they laugh and act crazy, I probably join in instead of yelling at them.  (Sorry Jesus.)

9 - I keep it real.  I don’t hide the nitty-gritty facts of life.  The threat that my children might some day really end up in “bad boy school,” keeps  everyone on their toes around here.  “Bad boy school” is a place that my mother-in-law taught me about.  It is a place where boys go when they are mean and rotten and can be conveniently seen from the highway!  I drive fast enough by it that they never really get a good look. 

I always say “Oh look I see little sad faces peeking out the windows….See them??”

They always look out the window frantically with looks of horror – and say “Yes! I see them!!”

Otherwise known as the Colt Building in Hartford, it’s the “Bad Boy School” in the Gaga household. I always say as we drive by – “There it is kids! Keep it up and that’s where you will be living soon!”

10- I BLOG about my life and theirs – so they will have plenty of evidence of what a good mother I am and how much I love them!!!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE MOMS! AND AS A MOTHER’S DAY GIFT TO ME – PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!!XOXO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Bullets for Breakfast


ALERT: DAD AND MR. GAGA’s FAMILY AND FRIENDS  - THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE

I am a reader.  I belong to a book club that considers itself filled with intelligent sometimes haughty women who wouldn’t be caught dead reading something like Twilight or a smutty romance novel.

However, we were all intrigued by the latest craze of 50 Shades of Grey.  Not our usual choice – we decided to go outside of our comfort zone and try some “mommy porn,” as it’s been dubbed.

The first few nights I read it – I fell asleep from boredom with the book on my chest.  By the third night I got to some racy parts – but was so turned off by the cheese factor I couldn’t believe it.

Is this what women in America find entertaining? A woman who says “Oh my!”  when she is aroused?? Really??

My best friend, (I’ll call her L) who has literally read 2 books in her entire life, was even feeding into the hype.

“Is it good? Should I read it?” she asked me.  She really needs 100 percent confirmation that it’s going to be worth it – if she puts down her US Weekly and reads a book.

“I don’t really think so…it’s kind of boring.” I answered.

“Well like what happens? Tell me a scene that would be exciting.” she implored.

“Hmm, well like last night I read it and she had a dream that she was tied up spread eagle on the bed and the boyfriend whipped her vagina with a riding crop until she had an orgasm.”

Silence.

“Ummm, that would hurt and I would be pissed.” she answered.

“I know!! I’m telling you!!” I answered laughing.

Are we crazy that we don’t find this exciting?

Are we just too bitchy to find the fun in having a rich man whip us and tie us up?  Is it exciting because he’s rich and he buys her clothes and jewelry?

Because let me tell you – I love me some jewels and Louis Vuitton – but I think I would rather eat Ramen Noodles and wear jelly bracelets - than have to call someone “Sir” while he whips my hoo-ha.

The more I read the more I am concerned for America.

I had a hunch we were in trouble when everyone went crazy over Twilight.

Women all across America are locked up in their houses fantasizing about making out with a vampire or getting whipped by some rich dude.

Am I the only person that finds this troubling?

If this is indicative of the general state of our national self-esteem…..we are totally screwed.

I kept reading but haven’t really been too excited by this book – and PS the actual writing is god-awful.

L  called a few days after our chat.

There is a neighbor of her’s that she always complains about.  The woman lets her children roam free without watching them and her house is always filthy.  This woman doesn’t work,  so L has always wondered what she does all day.

“So – I saw my neighbor outside while the kids were playing – and that book came up, and I told her how you didn’t really like it….” she said.

“Yeah…”

“So – she said – “Oh no, I love it! I was reading it the other day – and I had to take out my “Bullet” twice…”

I died laughing.

“Can you believe that her house is fucking filthy – I’m here like feeding her kids – and she’s inside with the blinds closed – jacking off?” she said with horror.

No.

No I can’t believe it.

I have mentioned many times how I don’t seem to find the time to clean and get things done that need to get done.  Generally speaking in terms of taking care of business – on my to-do list taking care of my vagina is usually not on the list at all.

“I’m so tired. If I finish all these dishes – I will go get the clothes off of the line – and then I will go in my room and get naked and make some time for my vagina.”

I am very sorry – but I just cannot believe that while Japan is conquering the world – here in America we are all lying around in the middle of the day reading trashy novels and masturbating.

No wonder everyone is fat.

This book should be called “50 Ways to Feel Bad about yourself and get fatter than you already are….”

So then I went to work and told this story to some of the girls I work with.  After I told them about L’s neighbor one of the girl’s stared at me.

“Well – of course – everyone has a “bullet.” I could never live without mine.” she said matter-of-factly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I yelled in between laughter.

“What – don’t you have one?” she asked dead seriously.

“NO!!!!  I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.

“Oh you’re missing out…I better get that book.” she answered matter-of-factly.

I give up.

Does anyone have any good book suggestions for the summer that don’t involve vampires or sadomasochism??

And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???

CAN WE NOT STAY HOME WITH BULLETS PRETENDING THAT IT IS A VAMPIRE’S PENIS??? PLEASE????????? AND IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!! LET’S GET THE WORD OUT!!

XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to Pour Your Heart Out and Mama Kat

 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/56-open-challenge/

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