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The Wolf Makeover


During the foggy February times that I described last week, one night I decided that “we” should take the kids to see the LEGO movie.

As I was recovered from my French onion soup coma at this point there was plenty of room for a huge vat of buttery popcorn.   However, I am quite tortured by LEGOS enough, so as Mr. Gaga and the boys headed into the movie, my enormous popcorn and I turned left and dipped into The Wolf on Wall Street.

Some friends had mentioned that there would be excessive nudity and swearing. I quite enjoy swearing myself so I certainly don’t mind when others say a few bad words so that wouldn’t bother me.  When I saw this pie chart on Vulture.com I knew that I would love this cinematic production:

cursepie

I’m sorry but what’s not to like about someone saying the “F” word hundreds of times.

Others had mentioned that the movie was a trashy boozefest.  I wasn’t expecting much.

Within minutes I was transported out of my winter doldrums into the glossy world of excess.  Fifteen minutes in, I was eating my popcorn slack-jawed and completely hooked.  At this point there had been a bit of cursing and nudity and people start walking out!!!!

What stupid fucking douchebags!!

This movie was just what the doctor ordered for the winter blues!

Is it too late for me to go to a party like this??

Is it too late for me to go to a party like this??

I never wanted the movie to end.

First of all because who would want to stop spending time with Leonardo Dicaprio?  He is gorgeous as always, as the sleek wall street monster.  His wife is a spoiled blonde who complains about nonsense.  She doesn’t seem to know how lucky she is…..

leo

And secondly because after watching this vodka and luxury filled tale I would instantly go back to a life filled with dirty snow filled streets, Lego filled rooms and leftover crockpot soup.

When I met up with Mr. Gaga after the movie he asked how it was.  I said “I want to steal everyone’s money, get a bunch of strippers and do drugs all night.”

He seemed to think that was a bad idea.

I decided to start small.

First things first - I needed a tan. Only washed-up fat loser moms are pasty and white. It was time to bust out the self tanner.

Second thing to be addressed was my hair.  Why do I always have brown hair?

Because I am a boring mom with boring mom hair.  I went to visit my hairdresser armed with a picture of the new and improved Kim Kardashian.

This is what I look like now...Thank you Wolf of Wall Street....

This is what I look like now…Thank you Wolf of Wall Street….

And the final piece of the puzzle (before I steal everyone’s money, buy my own helicopter and lose 75 pounds) was the teeth.  The wolf mentioned that when he met his business partner he noticed that he had the whitest teeth he had every seen.

jonah

I needed these white teeth to finish my look.  Just in time I got sent a professional teeth whitening kit from Smile Brilliant.

smile

I was transformed into a sexpot.

Now this is a typical scene of Mr. Gaga and I picking up Legos in the kids’ rooms.

nursery

And while I am in the midst of reinventing myself – it’s only right that one of you can join me in a Wolf of Wall Street inspired makeover!!!

I am going to send one of you a Smile Brilliant LED Whitening System!!

To enter to win please leave me a message of what you are going to do to make yourself Wolf of Wall Street worthy…..

I will pick at random the person I think is most deserving of this delightful system!!!

NOW I HAVE TO HOPE THAT LEO WINS THE OSCAR!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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The downward spiral…


Otherwise known as February.

Maybe I was too quick to make fun of the people complaining about the weather.  My children have been home now for 12 days between vacation and snow days.

There have been too many storms to keep track of at this point – but all I know is that I have been in the house eating, drinking and aging rapidly.

Whenever there’s some sort of inclement weather that leaves us housebound, Mr. Gaga and I take that as a sign to strap on clothing made totally from elastic and spandex and drink alcohol and eat comfort foods like its our job.

Towards the beginning of the twelve day stretch – I was still in a happy mood and so after the kids went outside to shovel and make a fort I made delicious lunch-time hot chocolates with a little Bailey’s and Fireball Whiskey in mine.  Then I made French Onion Soup in the crockpot….

soup

Whatever delicious flavors you’re imagining are all true…You know you are jealous.

While it cooked I drank wine and lounged around while Mr. Gaga drank beer and watched a movie with the kids.  When it was time for dinner, Mr. Gaga and I had huge vats of steamy soup covered with bubbly cheese.

We quickly realized why this soup is traditionally served in mug.  I don’t think humans are meant to consume this much liquids and cheeses at once. We rolled around in bed moaning and groaning until we passed out in soup and boiling cheese comas.

Also, Valentine’s Day was mixed into this blur of days indoors.  Needless to say we made pink cupcakes and had a nice steak dinner with all the creamy fattening sides to celebrate our love.

When I was young, my best friend’s father owned a pharmacy.  He would always bring home boxes of chocolates when they were past their sell-by date.

With this much chocolate at our fingertips – we could look at the “map” and take a bite of each one and throw it back in the box if we didn’t like it.  We would lounge around taking bites of the chocolates and pretend we were on a soap opera.

There was something so luxurious about having a Whitman Sampler all to your self.

I really thought this would be me someday....

I really thought this would be me someday….

While my life is not quite as luxurious as someone who sits in bed eating bon bons all day – I did feel after a few days of torture that I deserved to eat some of Sam’s chocolates.

He was asleep and I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I just had one.

Old habits die hard....

Old habits die-hard….

In the mornings we were eating hearty breakfasts of bacon and eggs and then we had a great idea to put the Valentine M&M’s into pancakes.

Then one day Mr. Gaga decided to make “Breakfast Corn Dogs.” I mean this is just embarrassing….

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it....and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it….Oh and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

 

After a few days of eating and drinking with reckless gluttony -  I had to actually leave the house and go to work.  I had been shuffling around the house in my velour pants and my furry coat….

I took a little peek in the mirror.

What I saw was horrific.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“I LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT!!!”

It was time to face the cold hard facts.  Apparently, in my old age a diet flush with onion soup, cheese, chocolate and alcohol does not equal beauty.

My under eyes were so puffy I could barely see out of the small slit that was left of my eyeball and my skin was dry and pasty white further accentuating my dark circles and wrinkles.

I stared at myself in the mirror in horror. Had I just aged like 30 years since Christmas?

Yes.

Yes I had.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Good lord!! Look at the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

I promptly piled on 4 concealers and two foundations and ten bronzers to attempt to rectify the problem to no avail.

I have learned my lesson.

I will be making a concerted effort this week to reverse the damage of the last twelve days.

I will be piling on makeup like it’s nobody’s business.

I will be hitting the gym.

I will be wearing clothing that has proper fastening devices like buttons and zippers.

I will be eating onion soup in a mug instead of a vat eating celery and drinking half a bottle instead of a whole bottle of wine drinking water!!

Spring is right around the corner!!!

Ok...well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday....and then Saturday ....and maybe Sunday.

Ok…well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday….and then Saturday ….and maybe Sunday morning….FML.

THIS HAS TO BE THE HOME STRETCH!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE WE CAN TAKE!  CLICK THE BANNER BELOW AT LEAST BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME AND MY UNDEREYE PUFFS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Abe Lincoln is kind of a big deal…


So in his honor – it’s only right that I take a week off.

Sam is actually deathly afraid of Abraham Lincoln for some reason.  If he catches a glimpse of him anywhere he shuts his eyes really tight, similar to what most children would do if they saw a monster or Freddy Krueger.

 

$5

Don’t even try to give him a $5 bill.  He won’t take it.

I have no idea how this started but at a certain point he would have nightmares about Abe.  He would come running into my room in the middle of the night out of breath. Hysterically, he described the horror of running away from several “Abraham Lincolns that were chasing him and trying to kill him.”

We made the mistake of letting him watch Happy Gilmore with his brother and we hadn’t anticipated that it would send him over the edge.

We totally forgot that good old Abe was in Happy Gilmore...

We totally forgot that good old Abe was in Happy Gilmore…

We are trying to think and speak positively about President Lincoln to help Sam conquer his fears.

We found him a used book at an old book store to read and he said it is actually helping him to relate to Abe and have better feelings about him.

This is actually the book from the 1800's that we read regularly as part of his therapy...

This is actually the book from the 1800′s that we read regularly as part of his therapy…

 

Today when I told him that it was Lincoln’s birthday he stared at me in horror about to burst into tears but stopped himself…

“That’s great!” he forced himself to exclaim.

So while I take a day to celebrate Abe – I am also celebrating my love for Mr. Gaga at a fellow blogger’s site Cuddles and Chaos.  Jen asked me to be a special guest blogger to talk about love!!

Who am I during the week of Valentine’s Day to turn down an opportunity to speak about how Mr. Gaga and I fell in love?

You can read the post on her site titled: LOVE AT THIRD SIGHT.

HAPPY PRESIDENT’S DAY!! CLICK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Art class for Dummies


 Thanks so much to everyone who commented and read my blog for the last two weeks!

Three years ago, today, I started this blog.  I had toyed with the idea a bit after struggling with having anyone who I could relate to as I navigated the first years of motherhood.

It struck me today that I finally pulled the trigger in February.  I remember long winter days being cooped in the house for days on end with sick children.  We would be trapped at home with children who were either too sick to venture out or too contagious to expose to the world.

As soon as they would get better I would be beside myself with excitement to go to the library or music class.  One venture out into the world and we would inevitably be back home with the stomach bug or a cold.

Those were some dark days.

It’s hard to believe that things will get better but they do.  Preschool and kindergarten are the first glimmers of hope and things get progressively better from there.

When I see mothers at the grocery store or Target with babies I just look at them and can feel the depression from afar.

Before you have kids you think that going to the store with children will look like this:

hispanic_mom

In actuality the above picture will pretty much never occur.

For one, no mother (unless you are heavily medicated) would ever smile like that in a grocery store with children.

I spent many days in the store threatening them up and down each aisle.   I would basically jog through the store throwing goldfish and milk in my cart while anxiously praying that nobody started crying or shit their diaper.

This is what things eventually end up like from what I understand.

article-0-193BAFC200000578-605_634x478

Nothing is ever the same once you have children.

But they bring so much joy and parenthood is sooo amazing!”

I repeat. Nothing is ever the same.

To all of you expecting mothers that think that this whole motherhood thing is going to be so cute and fun…..think again.  I have warned you before - today I have a new message.

You should all be doing everything you can possibly do before this baby comes and ruins your life.

Go to Whole Foods and leisurely peruse the produce.

Go for a run or walk without a stroller and enjoy what it feels like to have your body and mind to yourself.

Listen to whatever you want to in the car and watch what you want on TV…it won’t be long before the Disney Channel takes over.

What you should do before you have kids is anything that is fun and enjoyable.

Even when you are pregnant you should do what is entertaining and fun for you…..not your fetus.

The other day I was waiting for my nails to dry at a local salon and was perusing literature that was left by an art studio.

I was shocked by what I saw.

Read carefully.

artflier

ART IN MOMMY’S TUMMY??!!

What the fucking hell?

Is the fetus going to finger-paint in your uterus?

Has the world gone insane?

I actually risked messing up my manicure to flip over the card and read more – because clearly this was a mistake.

fliercolor

So you are going to pay someone your hard-earned cash so that your fetus can paint??

ATTENTION EXPECTING MOTHERS!! THIS IS VERY VERY STUPID! FETUS’ CANNOT PAINT OR DO ARTS AND CRAFTS!

Does anyone actually believe that an embryo can create pottery or an oil painting?

Has everyone lost their goddamn minds?

Did I miss the information from my OB that fetus’ can participate in whatever activity a pregnant woman is doing?

Apparently in Reese's uterus it is 40 love...

Apparently in Reese’s uterus it is 40 love…

This fetus just did a Black Diamond slope....

This fetus just did a Black Diamond slope….

This fetus just read 50 Shades of Grey...

This fetus just read 50 Shades of Grey…

And this fetus….

ok...well....this fetus is actually a drunk whore...

ok…well….this fetus is actually a drunk whore…

There is no reason for any pregnant woman to do any class to benefit a fetus.  Certainly not a music or art class at the very least.

The only art you are doing before kids should look like this….

ghostclay

Enjoy this Valentine’s Day childless women!  Spice it up!

Do not under any circumstance waste any time.

Once you have kids – time will be a precious commodity.

This has been a public service announcement.

You’re welcome.

HAPPY BLOG ANNIVERSARY TO ME! HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO ALL!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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I’m Freshly Pressed!


Even though I regularly make fun of parents that overschedule their children and even though I know that what’s best for most children is to play and enjoy sports and activities, instead of using them as a veiled attempt at the NFL or college scholarships…..

I still can’t help but have a teensy weensy bit of a competitive nature.

Let’s face it. Who doesn’t want their kids to excel? Who doesn’t enjoy seeing their kids be the best ones on the field?

I miss most sports on the weekend while I am working – so I call Mr. Gaga (otherwise known as the voice of doom and failure) for updates.

“How were the kids games?” I asked the other day.
“Fine.” he answered curtly.
“Did they win?”
“One did – one didn’t.”
Well, did they at least play well?” I delved further.
“Um…no…not really.”
“Why? Did they score?”
“Nope.”
“Did they like catch the ball?”
“It’s actually referred to as a rebound – and no they didn’t.”
“Why?” I asked with despair.
“I don’t know! Who cares? They had a good time!”
“A good time?” I asked weakly. “Ok.”

I hung up depressed.

Later when I got home I brought it up again.

“You always say the kids aren’t good at sports.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“Yeah – cause they’re not.” he answered matter-of-factly.

“Well then I guess I have to just make sure they’re smart.” he sighed.

“Well you’re the problem,” Mr. Gaga said with annoyance.  “You are just obsessed with them being good…just let them have fun.”

“I’m sorry when is being a big fat loser fun?” I asked defensively.

I stared at Mr. Gaga.

I thought to myself, he will never care if we are all just mediocre.  I am totally alone in my quest for high achievement.

During dinner I turned my attention towards Michael.

“Michael are you the smartest in your class?”

Well, probably the second smartest, Ahmeet is the smartest in the class.” he answered in between bites. “He has the highest score in Sum Dog…he gets every answer right.”

“Well, you need to take him down,” I answered calmly.

“What do you mean?” he answered innocently.

“I mean you need to strive to be the best….better and smarter that Ahmeet.” I answered matter-of-factly.

He stared at me blankly.  “How do I do that?”

I put down my fork and stared back at him.

“Michael.”

“Yes?”

“Sweep the leg.” I said.

"What?" he asked in despair.

“What?” he asked in despair.

“Sweep the leg.” I repeated.

I peeked at Mr. Gaga’s reaction – because I knew I was pushing it and that I was going to be yelled at for being a “Tiger Mom” any minute.

Even Michael knew that he could turn to his father for some reassurance.

He turned to Mr. Gaga who had been calmly eating his dinner during this entire exchange.

“Dad? I don’t know what she’s talking about!” he whined.

Without skipping a beat he said  “Do you have a problem Mr. Lawrence?”

My heart soared.  I am so thankful to have a partner to torture my children with.  Even when they don’t know what we are talking about.

No mercy when it comes to the third grade.

There should be no mercy when it comes to the third grade.

 

What?

I will take them to therapy later!!!

BLOG NEWS!!!

In February of 2011, on a snowy day after being stuck in the house all day with my kids, I walked through the snowy streets to my cousin’s house.

Newly married, filled with youth and hope, she encouraged me to set up a free blog on WordPress.  I took her advice thinking it might be nice to tell some of my motherhood stories as an outlet, and a way to get back into writing.

When I chose the name of my blog and got set up I went to the homepage of WordPress.  There was something called “Freshly Pressed.”  Here the WORDPRESS people chose the best bloggers across the blogosphere and featured them.

I stared at it and remember thinking how amazing it would be to be chosen as one of those writers.  But that would be fairly impossible.

Three years later in February of 2014 I wrote a little piece about how the news isn’t what it used to be and I  am currently featured as a “Freshly Pressed” blogger!!!

ernie

It is such an honor – and so amazing to have the feedback and readership of so many amazing bloggers and writers.

This blog gave me something to focus on besides dirty diapers and dirty laundry.  It gave me a purpose on some of my darkest days.  I always just wanted to tell my stories and have been so thrilled to find that you are all still listening to me.

Thank you WordPress! You have saved my life in more ways than you know!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

photo

This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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“Good mothers” love Spongebob Squarepants


Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…

The kids had friends over on Friday night.

I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.

“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.

“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.

Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.

His friend’s shoulders slumped.  “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”

They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys.   Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”

Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.

After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.

“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! “

He stared back at me.

“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.

“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.

” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.

“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.

“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.

But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching.  The answers were delightful.

The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.

Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :

1 – Don’t be a Follower - Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog.  If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”

2 – “Don’t litter” -One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.

“Stick up for your friends” - Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode.  “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”

It's also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren't led to believe that it's like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

It’s also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren’t led to believe that it’s like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

3 - Listen to your teacher:  “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff.  He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.

4- Never fight around babies:  “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby while Patrick is MIA....These are stories they just aren't telling over on PBS...

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby and Patrick is MIA….These are stories they just aren’t telling over on PBS…

One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.

5 - “Keep trying” -“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently.  “He never gives up.”

6 - “Dance, surf &karate” - “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.

Thanks Sponge - I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes....

Thanks Sponge – I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes….

7 - “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”

breath

**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.

8 - “Don’t curse.”  “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....

Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

9 - “Do what you love to do.” - “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”

**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.

10 – (my personal favorite lesson) - “Don’t go in tanning booths.”

“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people - You have to admit - noboby wants to party with pale, pasty losers....

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people – You have to admit – nobody wants to party with pale, pasty losers….

“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained.  “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed...Who doesn't want their kids to learn about that???

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed…Who doesn’t want their kids to learn about that???

In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014.  I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!

Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday.  After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.

“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.

My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.

The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?

They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”

YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!

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