During the foggy February times that I described last week, one night I decided that “we” should take the kids to see the LEGO movie.
As I was recovered from my French onion soup coma at this point there was plenty of room for a huge vat of buttery popcorn. However, I am quite tortured by LEGOS enough, so as Mr. Gaga and the boys headed into the movie, my enormous popcorn and I turned left and dipped into The Wolf on Wall Street.
Some friends had mentioned that there would be excessive nudity and swearing. I quite enjoy swearing myself so I certainly don’t mind when others say a few bad words so that wouldn’t bother me. When I saw this pie chart on Vulture.com I knew that I would love this cinematic production:
I’m sorry but what’s not to like about someone saying the “F” word hundreds of times.
Others had mentioned that the movie was a trashy boozefest. I wasn’t expecting much.
Within minutes I was transported out of my winter doldrums into the glossy world of excess. Fifteen minutes in, I was eating my popcorn slack-jawed and completely hooked. At this point there had been a bit of cursing and nudity and people start walking out!!!!
What stupid fucking douchebags!!
This movie was just what the doctor ordered for the winter blues!
I never wanted the movie to end.
First of all because who would want to stop spending time with Leonardo Dicaprio? He is gorgeous as always, as the sleek wall street monster. His wife is a spoiled blonde who complains about nonsense. She doesn’t seem to know how lucky she is…..
And secondly because after watching this vodka and luxury filled tale I would instantly go back to a life filled with dirty snow filled streets, Lego filled rooms and leftover crockpot soup.
When I met up with Mr. Gaga after the movie he asked how it was. I said “I want to steal everyone’s money, get a bunch of strippers and do drugs all night.”
He seemed to think that was a bad idea.
I decided to start small.
First things first - I needed a tan. Only washed-up fat loser moms are pasty and white. It was time to bust out the self tanner.
Second thing to be addressed was my hair. Why do I always have brown hair?
Because I am a boring mom with boring mom hair. I went to visit my hairdresser armed with a picture of the new and improved Kim Kardashian.
And the final piece of the puzzle (before I steal everyone’s money, buy my own helicopter and lose 75 pounds) was the teeth. The wolf mentioned that when he met his business partner he noticed that he had the whitest teeth he had every seen.
I needed these white teeth to finish my look. Just in time I got sent a professional teeth whitening kit from Smile Brilliant.
I was transformed into a sexpot.
Now this is a typical scene of Mr. Gaga and I picking up Legos in the kids’ rooms.
And while I am in the midst of reinventing myself – it’s only right that one of you can join me in a Wolf of Wall Street inspired makeover!!!
I am going to send one of you a Smile Brilliant LED Whitening System!!
To enter to win please leave me a message of what you are going to do to make yourself Wolf of Wall Street worthy…..
I will pick at random the person I think is most deserving of this delightful system!!!
NOW I HAVE TO HOPE THAT LEO WINS THE OSCAR!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA