June is hectic.
There’s a lot of baseball happening, coupled with end of the year school ceremonies and shows. In addition, Mr. Gaga’s work schedule gets crazy in June and also my part-time job picks up as it’s a popular time of year for people who need “bras.”
We are just tired and hot and sick of everything – so I was secretly happy when Michael came home in the last week of MAY! and said that his teacher said there wouldn’t be any more homework.
“Why not?” I inquired.
“I don’t know….there’s a Jewish holiday?” he shrugged.
“What? The last day of school is June 19th..” I said looking at the calendar.
Is there a Jewish holiday that’s 20 days long? This sounds suspiscious….
“Could it be that besides being Jewish your teacher is very lazy??”
“Oh well – I guess you won’t have to be stressed about homework during baseball season.” I sighed.
The next day Michael came home from school and ripped open his backpack excitedly to reveal a paper he had received from his teacher.
He proudly put it on the refrigerator talking about how he would be wearing his Mets jersey to “sports day.”
I distractedly looked it over and went on to do something else.
I mean Spirit Week is nothing new. We all participated in these days growing up so I wasn’t too interested.
This Monday started the week and the kids went off to school with their jerseys on and baseball hats.
They came home with tales of people with all sorts of fancy sports paraphernalia.
That night after dinner and showers, the kids were in their rooms busily preparing outfits for “Crazy clothes day.” They both picked out mismatched outfits that they planned to wear backwards and Michael found a very funny hat in his closet. He came out of his room with the outfit on to show me and Sam.
“Very wacky!” I chuckled.
He smiled to reveal the piece de resistance which was a pair of fake rotten teeth.
“Awesome Michael!!” I said, “This is a great outfit!”
Sam was quiet. I looked over at him and asked what was wrong. “His outfit is so good and mine is horrible!” he wailed bursting into tears.
Michael and I quickly found another “wacky hat” in the closet and that calmed him down. Both boys put on their outfits and laughed at each other in the mirror.
It was time to go to bed.
“Wait!” Michael said as he peered at the paper outlining the rules of Spirit Week.
“No hats allowed!”
Screw you PTO!!!
Sam threw his hat on the floor and threw himself on his bed in tears again.
“What stupid twat is behind these spirit rules?” “No worries Sam!!” I said cheerfully while Michael frantically dug in his drawers to find something as exciting and wacky as the hat.
He came up with some shinguards and a headband and glasses that seemed to make Sam happy and the kids went to bed.
The next day they came home and were stressed out about Hawaiian Day.
I knew that neither child had a Hawaiian shirt and so I rummaged through their t-shirt drawers looking for something suitable.
“How about this?”
I held up a “JAWS t-shirt. “Ugh, Mom – it’s not decade day.”
“I think Hawaiians have to watch out for sharks though…” I said as I pulled out two t-shirts that had surfboards on them. “Hawaiians definitely surf.” I said confidently.
They stared at me skeptically.
I pulled out bathing suits to pair with the t-shirts and Hawaiian leis leftover from Sam’s birthday party.
“Perfect!” I said proudly.
The next afternoon they came storming in. Sam threw down his backpack with disgust.
“Mom – do you know that all the boys in my class had shirts on today with “Beach trees” and flowers on them?” he asked with exasperation.
“Ok – well since you aren’t Magnum PI- I am sorry that we didn’t have beach tree shirts available.” I answered back.
Does this like the kind of outfit that a 1st grader should have readily available?
“And…” he continued, “this lei is made out of plastic.” he spat out while he took off his Oriental trading lei that cost 40 cents.
“Yeah…” I answered expectantly.
“Well, me, Michael and one other boy in the whole school had plastic leis!” he yelled.
“What are you talking about?” I asked with confusion.
“Everyone else had REAL leis!” he yelled.
“What’s a real lei look like?” I asked positive that he was very confused.
“They had real Hawaiian necklaces made out of real flowers! And girls had real flowers in their hair too!” he cried.
I stared at him in horror trying to figure out how people got their hands on real Hawaiian leis.
“And grass skirts!” he added.
“Ok Sam! Let’s just concentrate on the next day coming up – what is it?” I asked afraid to look at the evil spirit week flier.
“Oh, it’s decade day!” he said excitedly. “Me and my friends are going to be rappers.”
“Oh ok – from the 80′s- what will you wear?” I asked cheerfully.
He grabbed the ipad and found a picture of LL Cool J and explained that he would need gold chains and a hat.
Michael casually asked what decade the hippies lived in. I answered the 70′s and he matter-of-factly announced he would be a hippie.
This was the fourth night of this stupid ass week and I was at the end of my rope.
I went upstairs and stared at all of my gold chains leftover from the 80′s. None of them looked like LL COOL J’s.
I thought about if I knew how to make a tie-dyed shirt and would it be ready in time for school tomorrow.
The answer was no.
I couldn’t take this week anymore, I was losing my mind.
I put the kids in the car. A quick trip to the nearest Party City and $40 later and everyone was happy.
The next morning when the kids got ready – I felt confident that there would be no complaints.
Clearly I was the best mother ever.
Their picture is blurred to protect their identity – but please know that there is a leather jacket, two sets of glasses, a peace necklace and a gold ring and dollar sign necklace involved….
I casually mentioned how annoying all of this was to my brother.
“Well that’s your fault – Mom would’ve rubbed her cigarette ashes all over my face and told me I was a bum.” he said with disgust.
“A bum? That’s not even a category…..” I answered.
“She would have said “there are bums in all decades and sent me on my way…” he quickly answered.
He was probably right – but like everything else with these children – I was succumbing to this over the top bullshit as a result of what the other parents were doing, creating an environment where my children think it’s normal to have a real fucking lei made out of exotic fresh flowers.
“So….did everyone love your outfits today?” I asked when the boys got home the next day.
“Oh yeah, three people had the exact same outfit as me in my class.” Michael mentioned casually.
“WHAT???” I screeched. “So everyone is buying costumes at Party City for this?? It’s like Halloween? No! It’s like a week of Halloween!” I said with disgust.
“What about you Sam?” I asked.
“Well – everyone wanted to wear my gold ring, but there was a kid in my class that wore a full Michael Jackson outfit and he had a red leather jacket and a glove that had sparkles all over it….” he answered with resignation.
I couldn’t wait for this week to be over.
“Ugh – what’s tomorrow?” I asked with disgust as we cleaned up dinner. “I can’t wait for this stupid week to be over, I wish Michael just had spelling homework and I didn’t have to work on full costumes every night like I am the costume designer for a Broadway show.” I complained to Mr. Gaga.
“Why?” he asked lightly.
“Well because apparently gone are the days when you can just wear a backwards shirt and a Mets t-shirt. This is very intense!” I explained.
“I wish we were Jewish so we could have a 20 day holiday and the kids could just skip school….”
Mr. Gaga rolled his eyes. “It’s about the kids being excited to go to school.”
“That’s the point of all of this? Are you fucking kidding me?? They stop teaching the children a solid month in advance of the end of the school year and then they think that if they dress up like they are at Woodstock then it will make a difference in their spirits?” I yelled.
Mr. Gaga ignored me as usual.
“Also – tomorrow is pajama day!! Why is it a treat to wear pajamas all day long? It’s slovenly and weird and disgusting. How could that possibly lift anyone’s spirits?? Only losers that have no job and nothing to live for wear pajamas during the daylight hours??” I was getting very fired up.
Sam and Michael were already upstairs weighing their pajama options and Sam was once again for like the 5th time this week on the verge of tears.
“What now Sam?” I demanded.
“Well it’s just that my friends have pajamas that have different teams like the Giants or Jets on them….”he said quietly while he stared into his pajama drawer. I picked out a pair of Superman and Mario Brothers and held them up.
“No, Mom those are embarrassing.” he pleaded.
Michael was having the same dilemma in his room.
“Ok well it’s going to be 85 degrees tomorrow, so I don’t know what to tell you.”
“We don’t wear NFL licensed sleepwear during the summer -and I’m not buying you pajamas for this stupid day.” I snipped while pulling out the clothes that they usually wear.
“This is what you should wear tomorrow – because this is what you wear to bed and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about it.” I said tossing the bedclothes on their beds and turned on my heel.
They weren’t happy but they listened to me.
Fuck you pajama day and the horse you rode in on….
I don’t know if the kids’ spirits have been lifted or not by all of this hippie and Hawaiian bullshit but all I know is that I can use a break from the pressures of parenting school-age children!!
Onwards and upwards – we are halfway through the 20 day June Hanukkah so that means a mere 10 days left of school!!!
DON’T ALL LITTLE BOYS WEAR TIGHTY-WHITIES AND BEATERS TO BED???CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA