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Category Archives: Connecticut mom

RIP Multiplication Table – Hello Common Core


This week is conference week in Goopville.

This means that we get to find out how our children are doing in school.

Simultaneously, the teachers work a half day all week-long so that they are not overburdened by work. Because meeting with Goopville parents for a couple of hours each day is apparently the equivalent of going to war in Iraq we are asked to supply a variety of snacks and meal items for the teachers while we have to have our children home at 1:30 each day.

I used to look forward to conferences so I could hear about the academic progress of my children – but I have since learned better.

All commentary is veiled with politically correct terminology and I usually leave with little to no information about where my child stands.

The days of categorizing children as smart or dumb are over.

Recently Michael mentioned that he spent an hour with a special group for math.

“I am almost into multiplication in my WIN group!” he exclaimed with pride the other day.

“What’s a WIN group?” I demanded.

“We go into groups and we practice our math problems.”

“Do you leave the room to work on math?” I asked with trepidation as my blood pressure started to rise.

“Yes.”

I threw down my magazine and got into his face. “Who’s in the group?”

He started to mention some smart children and I was thrilled.  I knew he was a genius!!

Thank god - he's the next Bill Gates and I don't have to worry about paying for college.....

Thank god – he’s the next Bill Gates and I don’t have to worry about paying for college…..

then he started to mention some idiots….

I started to sweat. Why would he be in a math group with kids that were not very bright. Was he an idiot?

I called Mr. Gaga at work while the kids worked on their homework.

I spoke in a hushed tone.  “Michael goes to a special group for math…and I can’t figure out if he is extremely bright or mildly retarded.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Gaga asked with annoyance.

When he got home he peppered Michael with a series of questions that got us nowhere.

When we were going to bed Mr. Gaga said “Well – he’s either really smart or a moron….I will email the teacher tomorrow.”

Of course when the teacher emailed us back we STILL didn’t know the answer.

She said “All of the kids break into groups and practice their math skills – He is right where he should be :)”

“Well – “right where he should be” is not good.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“I am sure she would tell us if he needed help.” he brushed me off.

Would she?  Everyone is so politically correct these days – would anyone tell me if my kid was an idiot??  Was I an idiot? How could I not notice that he needed extra help in math?

When I went to my parents’ for dinner I mentioned this math dilemma.

“We just don’t know if he’s an idiot or a mathematical genius.” I sighed.

“Well what are his grades in math?” my father asked incredulously.

“Oh…..well mostly check marks and smiley faces I guess…” I answered matter-of-factly.

My father almost choked on his dinner.

“You pay all those taxes to live in Goopville for smiley-faces?” he yelled.

“Hmmm, ….um….yes. The grading system is just basically a series of smiley-faces…..” I answered earnestly.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You mean to tell me this kid has never gotten a grade on anything?”

“Nope.”

He has a point.

No wonder we don’t know if Michael is smart or not.

When I thought about it – it was quite feasible that I would not know if he was good at math or not.

How could I know?

I don’t know because it is a big fucking mystery!!!

With the new common core standards of teaching - children are little robots that must go through the standardized testing motions with little to no feedback.  All so that every child can be at the same academic level at all times.

Is the goal of the “COMMON CORE” for everyone to be common!!

Is it so that everyone can fall to the lowest common denominator!!

To add insult to injury – with the new common core standards of teaching there are new ways to teach and learn everything – especially math.

Gone are the days of the glorious math charts where you just memorized all of the multiplication tables and were set for life.

That is no longer allowed.

I'm sorry but didn't this chart work for like 3000 years??

I’m sorry but didn’t this chart work for like 3000 years??

Now math problems are solved with huge tables and strange pictures.

It is no longer enough to just get the right answer ….you need to “show your work.”

The Gaga’s have not embraced this new learning method with open arms.

Parents are supposed to check off each night that their child has completed their homework. A few weeks into the third grade I quickly realized that checking work was no longer an option because I clearly didn’t understand third grade math. Since September I have been making check marks where Michael tells me to and hope that he’s done his work properly.

On top of the fact that I don’t get it – there’s the issue that I just think it’s stupid.

“Why – can’t he just write 5×4=20?” I plead with Mr. Gaga. “This is such a waste of time!!”

See below – the question was “If 5 people have 4 bananas each, how many bananas are there?”

This is a picture of "a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling  bananas,  a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas" says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer....

This is a picture of “a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling bananas, a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas” says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer….

“Um – ok what’s the answer?” I say with disgust and send him back to do his work properly.

He comes back with this:

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate.  This is the modern way to find out that 5x4 =20.

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate. This is the modern way to find out that 5×4 =20.

“On what planet is this a good way to learn?!!” I ask Mr. Gaga with disgust.  “It just took Michael 20 minutes to answer a multiplication question that in the 1980′s would have taken us 30 seconds!!”

“It’s the common core – it’s good.” Mr. Gaga answers diplomatically.

“To what end?” I ask.  “So that we can compete with other countries?”

I have news for everyone, 10 Chinese boys just cured cancer and performed a full violin concert while my son was over here in America dicking around drawing 5o0 bananas.

I am not impressed.

And if you think I am not impressed – just come over some day and watch Sam do his first grade homework.

He also has to “show his work.”  But since his work is much easier it’s even more ridiculous.

Each afternoon I tread lightly – plying him with snacks and chocolate milk, hugs and kisses, before I bring up the dreaded task of homework.

He immediately spirals into a very dark mood and starts banging things around looking for pencils and his folder.  His annoyance level gets higher and higher with each stupid question he has to answer.

Last week he had to fill out a “pattern worksheet.”

It was something like this.  And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing....

It was something like this. And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing….

He seems to take after me with his lack of patience or interest in bullshit assignments that are stupid and lead to Chinese people conquering the world while we are left holding our dick in our hands 500 pictures of bananas.

He was muttering under his breath while he got to work.  After he completed the first row – I reminded him to write out “how he knew which numbers came next.”

“I KNOW!” he screamed like a lunatic.

When I checked on his work I was so proud.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

 

In closing, I still don’t know if we are smart or dangerously inept over here in the Gaga household – but I am determined to figure it out this week at the parent-teacher conferences!!!

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

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March Madness in Goopville


A while back I asked my readers what to call this homicidal maniac town I live in.  It is a town filled with mothers that are gluten free and wear Lululemon clothes all day for no reason and park in handicapped parking spots to give their children their skiis.  Someone suggested “Goopville” referencing the ramblings of lunatic, Gwenyth Paltrow on her insane blog GOOP….I thought that was perfection.  My town’s new name is Goopville.

Michael has a fall birthday.

Because I chose to send him to kindergarten at age 4 he is often the youngest in his class and on teams.  When I was weighing my decision to send him I thought it would be ok for him to compete with 5-year-olds.  What I hadn’t anticipated was that he would be competing with many 6 year-olds, since most mothers these days hold back their children as long as possible.  This is commonly known as “red-shirting your kindergartener.”

One can always spot these “red-shirters” because they are usually 6 feet tall and the boys have facial hair and the girls have full double “D’s” and their period in the third grade.

This is typical picture from Michael's class...see if you can find the "red-shirter."

This is typical picture from Michael’s class…see if you can find the “red-shirter.”

Michael plays in the YMCA basketball league for 7 and 8 year-olds.  The league relies on parent volunteers as coaches.  While it is generous of anyone to dedicate their time and energy to being a coach, you can imagine how things could get dicey with the wrong candidates.

Last week at Michael’s basketball game there was one of these monstrous red-shirters on the other team.  At first we thought he must be someone’s older brother while the team was warming up but then he took off his sweatshirt to reveal his team shirt and we were horrified.

The kid was at least ten years old.  His head was bigger than mine and Mr. Gaga’s put together and he had a moustache and for some reason not related to his age at all, he had a combover.

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head...not sure

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head…not sure

When the game started it was immediately clear that the kid was a nightmare.  He was pushing and shoving all the kids.  At one point, him and Michael both went for the ball and they started wrestling on the floor.  Michael finally got the ball.

“Nail-head’s” coach started walking on the court.  The ref explained to him that he could not be on the court and sent him back to his corner.

After that, “nail-head’s” behavior became more aggressive.

He continued the pushing and shoving and antagonistic behaviors typical of an angry 50 year-old.

guns-dont-kill-happy-gilmore-costume-shirt-screengrab-2

And then…

for no reason relative to the game of basketball…..he punched Michael in the stomach.

The referee had enough finally.

He threw him out of the game.

Like any mentally unstable “red-shirter”…he went to the corner of the gym and cried like a little bitch.

All was right with the world.

For all of two minutes.

Then all of a sudden – he was back in the game.

Why was he back on the court? How could this be??

Oh – because the coach told him to go back in!!!

“Nail-head” was sad- so of course it was time for him to go back in to the game!! Don’t all NBA coaches operate this way?

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything...

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything…

So play resumed.

After a couple of minutes a boy on Michael’s team was wrestling with the “red-shirter” for the ball and accidentally elbowed him in the face.

This time – all of the parents from the other team and the coach came running onto the court and a mob scene ensued.

georgetown-china-fight

The president of the YMCA happened to be there that day and noticed that something had gone horribly wrong on the court.

The other team’s parents and coaches were irate that someone had injured “nail-head” by accident!!!

Our team’s coach was screaming at the other team’s coach and a bunch of parents were there yelling at the ref and both coaches.

The YMCA President came running over to calm the masses and made everyone sit down in the bleachers.  He spoke to everyone about sportsmanship and told all the parents that the games were for the kids and that the basketball league is about children not adults.  He threatened to cancel the game unless everyone could agree to stay seated and watch and enjoy the game.

It's sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship....

It’s sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship….

The scolded parents agreed to stay still while the game ended.

And of course – just in case you were thinking there was hope for humanity at the end of the game when it was time to line up and shake hands – “Nail Head” punched everyone’s hand!!

Now Mr Gaga wanted me to mention that I actually wasn’t at the game (as usual) and that he gave me the first-hand account of what happened, because he just knew it was blog-worthy.

And even though I tell these types of cautionary tales week after week – I am amazed every time when I notice children acting like barbarians.  Every time parents act like stupid fucking morons I am shocked.

I will just never stop being shocked by modern-day parents’ bad behaviors.  The fact that parents today would sit by and watch their slow adult  3rd grader be violent and inappropriate and say nothing is disturbing on many levels.

What will happen to athletes if they are allowed to act like savage beasts and nobody ever puts them in their place?

Well ask Lance….

lance

Or Oscar…

oscarp

or this guy….

oj

or Mike….

tyson

Just sayin….

This won’t end well for all those “nail-heads” out there.

I DON’T KNOW WHEN PARENTS WILL STOP ACTING LIKE HUGE DOUCHEBAGS…BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL BE BUSY BRINGING YOU ALL OF THE LIVE REPORTING…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO BE SURE THAT I REMAIN IN THE RUNNING FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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The downward spiral…


Otherwise known as February.

Maybe I was too quick to make fun of the people complaining about the weather.  My children have been home now for 12 days between vacation and snow days.

There have been too many storms to keep track of at this point – but all I know is that I have been in the house eating, drinking and aging rapidly.

Whenever there’s some sort of inclement weather that leaves us housebound, Mr. Gaga and I take that as a sign to strap on clothing made totally from elastic and spandex and drink alcohol and eat comfort foods like its our job.

Towards the beginning of the twelve day stretch – I was still in a happy mood and so after the kids went outside to shovel and make a fort I made delicious lunch-time hot chocolates with a little Bailey’s and Fireball Whiskey in mine.  Then I made French Onion Soup in the crockpot….

soup

Whatever delicious flavors you’re imagining are all true…You know you are jealous.

While it cooked I drank wine and lounged around while Mr. Gaga drank beer and watched a movie with the kids.  When it was time for dinner, Mr. Gaga and I had huge vats of steamy soup covered with bubbly cheese.

We quickly realized why this soup is traditionally served in mug.  I don’t think humans are meant to consume this much liquids and cheeses at once. We rolled around in bed moaning and groaning until we passed out in soup and boiling cheese comas.

Also, Valentine’s Day was mixed into this blur of days indoors.  Needless to say we made pink cupcakes and had a nice steak dinner with all the creamy fattening sides to celebrate our love.

When I was young, my best friend’s father owned a pharmacy.  He would always bring home boxes of chocolates when they were past their sell-by date.

With this much chocolate at our fingertips – we could look at the “map” and take a bite of each one and throw it back in the box if we didn’t like it.  We would lounge around taking bites of the chocolates and pretend we were on a soap opera.

There was something so luxurious about having a Whitman Sampler all to your self.

I really thought this would be me someday....

I really thought this would be me someday….

While my life is not quite as luxurious as someone who sits in bed eating bon bons all day – I did feel after a few days of torture that I deserved to eat some of Sam’s chocolates.

He was asleep and I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I just had one.

Old habits die hard....

Old habits die-hard….

In the mornings we were eating hearty breakfasts of bacon and eggs and then we had a great idea to put the Valentine M&M’s into pancakes.

Then one day Mr. Gaga decided to make “Breakfast Corn Dogs.” I mean this is just embarrassing….

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it....and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it….Oh and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

 

After a few days of eating and drinking with reckless gluttony -  I had to actually leave the house and go to work.  I had been shuffling around the house in my velour pants and my furry coat….

I took a little peek in the mirror.

What I saw was horrific.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“I LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT!!!”

It was time to face the cold hard facts.  Apparently, in my old age a diet flush with onion soup, cheese, chocolate and alcohol does not equal beauty.

My under eyes were so puffy I could barely see out of the small slit that was left of my eyeball and my skin was dry and pasty white further accentuating my dark circles and wrinkles.

I stared at myself in the mirror in horror. Had I just aged like 30 years since Christmas?

Yes.

Yes I had.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Good lord!! Look at the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

I promptly piled on 4 concealers and two foundations and ten bronzers to attempt to rectify the problem to no avail.

I have learned my lesson.

I will be making a concerted effort this week to reverse the damage of the last twelve days.

I will be piling on makeup like it’s nobody’s business.

I will be hitting the gym.

I will be wearing clothing that has proper fastening devices like buttons and zippers.

I will be eating onion soup in a mug instead of a vat eating celery and drinking half a bottle instead of a whole bottle of wine drinking water!!

Spring is right around the corner!!!

Ok...well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday....and then Saturday ....and maybe Sunday.

Ok…well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday….and then Saturday ….and maybe Sunday morning….FML.

THIS HAS TO BE THE HOME STRETCH!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE WE CAN TAKE!  CLICK THE BANNER BELOW AT LEAST BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME AND MY UNDEREYE PUFFS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

photo

This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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This happened….ALLEGEDLY


Nowadays getting children to school is much more complicated than it used to be.

It used to be that children who lived close to school would walk to school.  Those children that didn’t live close would take the bus.

Because of the system in place to help deliver children to school there would be very little or no parents at United States schools in the morning or afternoons.

Those days are over.

Now “walkers” are driven to school.  Nobody actually lets their kids walk to school.

Also, children that are meant to take the bus often don’t because “they don’t like it,” or their parents think “it’s a bad experience.”

This has created a new modern-day problem for schools across America.  There is a constant struggle to maintain control during “school drop-off and pick-up.”

Imagine, twice a day, each educational institution must figure out a way to control all of the crazy lunatic mothers in their huge oversized vehicles.

As a result, school pick up is annoying and crowded and everyone is in a rush.

bais_hatorah_school-children

There are very strict rules and guidelines for drop-off and pick-up.

Everyone know the rules.  They are very clear.

sign

Many people simply choose not to obey them.

This week at an elementary school in town….the following  “allegedly” happened.

During the usual hectic school pick up, a mother arrived at the school with skiis that needed to be delivered to her son.

kimcar

Assessing the situation, she decided that the line of cars ahead of her was too long.  Racking her brain of how she could best cut the line to get the skiis to her child – she made a quick decision.

She parked where anybody with such an emergency would park.

handicappedspot

She left her car running and made her way to her son’s bus to deliver the almighty skiis.

kim skiis2

Meanwhile little Hunter anxiously awaited his skiis.

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Meanwhile, another mother witnessed the illegal parking of Ski Bunny Mom.  After probably years of dealing with entitled behaviors from the mothers and children in this town, she couldn’t take it anymore (or maybe she just feels strongly about illegal handicapped parking) – either way she thought to herself “I’m going to teach Ski Bunny mom a lesson.”

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are so important.....watch this crazy move.

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are better than the rest of us…..watch this crazy move.

She promptly got into Ski Bunny Mom’s running vehicle and peeled out.

Escalade-rear-quarter-466x350

When Ski Bunny mom got back to where she had illegally parked her vehicle it was gone.

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Nobody had seen anyone move her car.

Nobody came forward to confess taking the car.

KIM5

beth2

kim3

BETH5

The car was found across the street.  But Ski Bunny mom and the community was up in arms.

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it??  Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it?? Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

Moms took to social media to express their concerns and distaste for whoever would dare take someone’s vehicle out of the handicapped parking spot.

“This person should be arrested!!!” They all cried. 

“We are great mothers and people!! We don’t deserve this!” 

“Children without skiis are just as important as children that are handicapped!!”

“Mothers of children without skiis have feelings too!!””

After several posts on Facebook and Twitter – a token handicapped person chimed in!!

Did she scold Ski Bunny mom for parking illegally?

Nope.

handicapmom2

This only added fuel to the fire.

kim4

Some mothers even began to fight on social media.  Some mothers say they will be watching and searching for the mystery car mover in the coming weeks.

Either way, this is a perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands.

Even though it’s not right to steal people’s cars – I have a feeling the car mover and I could possibly be friends….possibly.

Either way – I really can’t make this stuff up.

Also….

This is all ALLEGED.

THIS TOWN IS INSANE!  PLEASE HELP ME COME UP WITH  A FAKE BLOG NAME FOR THE TOWN I LIVE IN….LIKE “STEPFORD” BUT NOT THAT OBVIOUS…PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!!! WHEN BRAINSTORMING JUST KNOW THAT ITS A TOWN FILLED WITH LUNATICS….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

What I learned in 2013….


It’s time for my annual year in review.

I am lucky to have this blog so I can go back and see what happened in my life throughout the year and see what mattered to all of you. Here is the blow by blow recap:

JANUARY 2013 – In the beginning of 2013 we started preparing for Michael’s first holy communion and I was met with the ugly truth behind the Catholic church’s planning for date selection. I almost got killed during the “Sign-up for Communion date” meeting – but I got the date I wanted so it worked out….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

2 – In February, just when I was starting to doubt Jesus and his almighty powers, I was saved and all was made right in the universe when Kim Kardashian was impregnated by Kanye West.

I still find it shocking that Kim wants to be wrapped up with this narcissistic asshole but I guess she will eventually figure this out the hard way…..

I wrote her a very special letter to warn her about what she could expect…

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3 – In February we were met with yet another Northeast weather disaster.  This particular catastrophe was a BLIZZARD!  Per usual people lost their fucking marbles while they attempted to prepare for 3 FEET of SNOW!!!

By the time I got to the local grocery store this was what the banana stand was like …just so you can see how insane people behave during inclement weather…..

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

4 - In March, everyone was all abuzz about the book “Leaning In” which detailed how women of today could totally focus on their career and succeed!! I found that I was much better at “leaning out.”

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This was the last time I “leaned in” for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

5 – In April we went to Disney World.  Boy, was I in for a real education on American behaviors.  I relayed my astonishment regarding the HUGE BEVERAGES that were served in Disney World and the HUGE HUMAN BEINGS that were zipping around on carts.

Some of you got pissed about that…..

Sorry! I just report as I see it fat people!

mickeyfam

Look how this guy balances his massive soda with a broken hand!! These injured people are so determined!!!

6 – In May, we finally had Michael’s communion after much hard work. (see above)

It went well except for when I lost all of my photos to document my good holy works, thank Jesus I still had my pic of the holy cross made out of pepperoni…

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn't secure my place in heaven then I give up....

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn’t secure my place in heaven then I give up….

7 – As the summer approached I may or may not have bumped up my drinking and bumped down my parenting…

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own...it's called building independance in children....They will thank me one day.

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own…it’s called building independence in children….They will thank me one day.

8 – Toward the end of the summer, we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I once again noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

This blog went VIRAL!! It was my hit of the year – and I know it’s because we all feel the same angst about lunch making in America.

Really?? It's not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a "kind person" I would kill her.

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

9 – In the fall one of my good friends had a baby.  I went to visit her and noticed that sometimes new mothers go a little crazy when it comes to first baby nursery decor.  Many of you were VERY ANGRY about my commentary…but many of you were VERY LAUGHING at how fucking stupid it all is….This is why I LOVE MY READERS!!!

Please note the newborn size tiara's on the shelf...I believe that tiara was placed on the baby's head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess....

Please note the newborn size tiara’s on the shelf…I believe that tiara was placed on the baby’s head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess….

10- Finally in December, while I juggled all that I had to do I realized that this ELF ON THE SHELF was really putting things over the edge for me.  I wrote an open letter to the clever Elf creators…..

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

Everyone loved this…This was my number 2 post of the year!!( only second to Pottery Barn lunch post.) What does that tell me??

That mothers in America are tired!!  We don’t have time for stupid bullshit like daisy sandwiches and Elf games!! We are smart, busy people that value our time and energy!!!

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Dear Elf Creators,


Dear Carol Aebersold and twin daughters, Christa and Chanda, (Elf on the Shelf Creators),

I am so sorry to disturb you at this time of year.

I am sure you are quite busy counting all of the multi-millions you have made on your adorable little Elf idea.   Right now this letter might find you drinking a Mai Tai in the Turks and Caicos or maybe you are doing some 5th Avenue Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your luxurious lifestyle.

While you sip champagne and shop for Louboutins the rest of us are running around like fucking assholes dousing our kitchens with flour so that the “elf can make snow angels” and pretending that our elf is on a “wrecking ball.”

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this.....

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this…..

But look at how one of my new favorite bloggers, Lil Blue Boo, took it one step further!!!!

elfmiley

This elf has a foam finger!!!!!

Anyways – Carol, Christa and Chanda, while I admire your tenacity and ambition, let’s face facts. Your invention is a thinly veiled attempt at “creating magic for children,” when in fact what you have actually done is create yet another guilt-inducer for mothers across America.

I have mentioned before how I sell bras part-time, and I have mentioned how I try to be like Clark Griswold and create magic at Christmas for my family.

Every day during December, I deal with angry entitled “bra customers,” then I rush home to do laundry, cook and clean.

I, along with most mothers, add to my regular tasks, baking, wrapping, Christmas shopping, Christmas movie watching, holiday decorating, visits with Santa, Christmas tree shopping and fighting with Mr. Gaga. (a true holiday tradition.)

When I finally lay my head down each night to “settle my brain for a long winter’s nap” I always start to doze off quickly. Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

EVERY. NIGHT.

Are you happy now?

Thanks to you, we have to deal with this North Pole motherfucker from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Like everything else in modern-day motherhood, elf activities, hiding spots and inappropriate habits have become a new competition.  Mothers snap photos of their sneaky little “elves” doing silly things like banging Barbies and then quickly post on Facebook so we can all see how invested they are in providing the BEST ELF EVER!! for their little brats.

I'll admit this is good....

I’ll admit this is good….

Did you ever consider coming up with a lucrative idea that enables you to have success without throwing all mothers in America under the bus until the end of time?

You three think you are just soooo clever don’t you?

You know who’s clever?

The lady who invented the dishwasher is clever.  She helped us all have a prayer of doing something besides cleaning dishes and cutlery all day.

Bethenney Frankel is clever.  She made billions creating entertainment and alcohol with a skinny woman on the bottle to make us feel chic.

The person who invented hand sanitizer is clever.  Enabling us to go to the grocery store, gas station and Disney World without contracting SARS or the Swine Flu.

The inventor of Spanx is clever, she created a way for us to hide our muffin tops so we could leave the house feeling better about our bodies.

The list goes on and on of women who came up with great ideas and inventions that have ultimately helped women and families.

But guess who is not going on that list?

You!!!

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

You three bitches will go down in history as the assholes who made millions by creating extra work for parents during the busy holiday season.

Don’t even think about telling me that it’s a tool to help the kids to behave either.

Earlier I got a quick snapshot of the regular goings-on in the Gaga household.

kids2

Please note the kids are wrestling in front of a table that is housing a nativity scene as well as the elf…..

Nobody cares.

When the elf arrives the kids try to behave for like two days  one day  one hour 

Nobody cares.

In closing, I just want to tell you one last time that you have to live with yourselves knowing that you have caused annoyance and headaches for parents across the land.

Also, my elf has something to say….

Picture

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

FA LA LA LA!!!! SHARE ON FACEBOOK IF YOU THINK THIS ELF STUFF IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

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ketchuplabel125copy2

Swingtown USA


Thanks for all of the comments last week about the Halloween candy!! The thought never occurred to me to send it overseas and that’s what we decided to do!!

I have mentioned many times my concern about American women having too much time on their hands and not quite knowing how to direct the energy and time with purpose and meaning!

In particular – I was horrified to learn last year that millions of women across America were spending their days “enjoying 50 Shades of Grey” a little too much for my taste.

I was reminded of everyone’s obsession with sex, yet again when I read a news story recently about a couple that was having sex at the WAFFLE HOUSE in Georgia.

They were very drunk and naked when the police told them they needed to put their clothes on and that they were under arrest.

Apparently the woman just sat there naked and when prompted by police to go ahead and get dressed, she put a cheeseburger on her foot because she thought it was her sandal.

Her parents must be proud...

I mean you just can’t make this shit up…

I know what your thinking….

That kind of stuff only happens at the WAFFLE HOUSE in Georgia…

I have news for you…..

There are horndogs everywhere.

EVEN IN THE SUBURBS OF CONNECTICUT!

It has come to light that in this “little town of perfection” that I live in – there’s been some scandalous behaviors.

Lately, I have heard more and more about many couples who are invited to parties in town and when they arrive they find out it is in fact a swingers party!

Am I the only one that finds the concept of swinging alarming?

I mean it’s not enough that I have to clean my toilets, cook dinner, raise my children, and maintain my own marriage…

I have to be nice to you mothers at the playground, and at the bus stop, I have to join playgroups and pretend that your kids are cute and now you expect me to fucking bang YOUR HUSBAND TOO????

WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END??

Are you all out of your minds??

First of all – I just know that if I ever agreed to this I would get stuck with the doughiest, nerdiest loser husband….

chrisfarley

I just don’t understand….

We have all wanted to murder our husbands.

We have been up in the middle of the night while feeding or rocking a screaming baby and looked over at our husband while he drools and snores and considered taking a pillow and smothering him to death.

We have all gotten into fights about mundane stuff (like when he ruins Christmas) and stopped speaking to our husbands.

So I get how people could possibly lose that spark with their spouse.

If Mr. Gaga and I lost our spark- I would spend a lot of time watching “Real Housewives,” reading and going to the gym.

Hmm...should I finish this book and this cigarette??  Or should I go do the "69" with the neighbor's husband??

Hmm…This is boring…..should I finish this book and this cigarette?? Or should I go do the “69″ with my neighbor’s husband??

Apparently other women are much hornier than I am…..

bree

Take these muffins – I’m here to screw your hubby….

Please tell me on what planet do you secure a babysitter, take a shower, get dressed, get in the car, arrive at your friend’s house and promptly do the nasty with her husband?

I mean she’s the one who signed up to live with and have sex with this guy and now I have to do all of her dirty work?? I don’t think so…..

“Can you believe it?” I demanded of Mr. Gaga when we heard about a neighborhood nearby where swinging is all the rage.  “I mean there’s not one person’s husband I would want to have sex with! It’s disgusting!!”

“I don’t think it’s that they want to have sex with the people…it’s more about the adventure and scandal of it.” he explained.

Um – ok so the point of swinging is that you are all so bored to tears with your dreadful little lives that you are going to have sex with some strange man from the suburbs??

Do you think this is going to prove to be exciting???

EEEEWWWW!!!!

What if they are fat or hairy?

What if they fart? What if they smell bad? What if their feet smell or they have a long toenail that scratches your leg?

What if they have noisehairs or earhairs?

OR what if they have a lot of gray hair? What if they are way older than you??

Oh my God……..What if they have gray hair on their peep??!!!!

The lists of possible turn-offs are endless!!!

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD WOMEN OF SUBURBIA???

I hope you don't mind -I have to wear this....

I hope you don’t mind -I have to wear this….

Well – Mr. Gaga and I are just not the swinging type.

And just in case anyone is thinking of inviting us to swing – please know that we are very cool and very entertaining and we think very highly of ourselves…..

Mr. Gaga put his foot down and made an executive decision that there would be only one couple we should consider swinging with…

and this is our final decision – so don’t even bother asking us……

brad-p-mr-smith-004

EVEN THOUGH I REFUSE TO BANG YOUR HUSBAND YOU SHOULD STILL CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA….

xo, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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Bad juju gaga


It has been hectic around here….plus it was a full moon this week.

Last weekend we went to the city for Michael’s birthday. We came back Monday and had an insane week.

I had a lot of stuff going on that was work related and it was weighing heavily on me.

I had to make a few tough and risky decisions and it was stressing me out.  Additionally, I took on a couple of jobs that were last-minute, so I was tired and run-ragged.

Remember when I said I did something that was like selling bras for a living??  What happens is that I have to deal with PEOPLE regularly.

If you have read this blog at all – you probably know that interacting with people regularly might be bad for my mental health.  If there’s a full moon….then my patience is really tried.  Women go berserk.

During the full moon, I spend a lot of time biting my tongue and attempting to respond appropriately to their mentally deranged rants.

Midweek, I worked in a setting where their was a woman who was shadowing a manager all day.

I didn’t interact with her much as we were both busy throughout the day.  A couple of times we crossed paths and she asked me about my day, I would just shrug and say “It’s fine…people are nuts…but whatever…” and go about my business.”

At the end of the day, we were standing near each other working and she stopped and said, “I feel like you are having a really bad day.”

I stopped to think about it…”No, not really.” I answered.

“Well, I have to tell you …. I am a psychic medium, and I can feel an extreme amount of negative energy coming from you.”

I just stared at her thinking of an appropriate response.

“Um…okay……so you can feel what I’m feeling?” I asked with trepidation.

“Yes, I’m an empath.” she answered matter-of-factly.

YOU are a negative judgy bitch......

YOU are a negative judgy bitch……

“Um…well…okay…I’m probably a little negative but I am not having a bad day….You are probably just feeling like “my stuff” I answered sheepishly.

But in my head I was thinking …

Who the fuck says such a thing to someone they just met? I’m sorry -but I don’t recall signing up for the Psychic Friends Network and by the way your hair is very frizzy and you should be using some Moroccan oil for that shit…and you are rude and I hate you.”

She stared at me and smiled and said…

“I can hear your thoughts.”

My jaw dropped and I basically just ran away from her.

I told a coworker about what just happened and I was on the verge of hyperventilation and she came over to us and interrupted our conversation.

My coworker asked “Can you see dead people?”

“Oh yes,” she said calmly, “They are all around us talking to me right now – and I have to tune them out.”

I turned to her and said nicely:

“I’m very stressed out by what you said….it’s like freaking me out…”

She said “No, don’t freak out….just work on ….”  She paused here and said…

“Excuse me, I have to just take a few steps back away from you, because I can feel all of your negative energy and it’s really making me feel like I am actually going to throw up….”

aniston

Can you believe this??

Just because you see dead people doesn’t mean you can going around being RUDE!! to people!!  Unless you are the LONG ISLAND MEDIUM you need to just keep your mouth shut!!  Nobody asked for your psychic reading!!

I left shortly after that and when I got home I got busy with kids’ stuff and by 9 o’clock Mr. Gaga and I asked each other about our day.

“My day was ok – except for the part when a psychic witch told me that my bad energy was making her feel like she was going to barf….”

“Oh that’s too bad, ” Mr. Gaga answered while helping clean the kitchen.

“Wait…what? Did you hear me? That REALLY happened!”

“Oh, I’m sure it did.” he answered not fazed.

Do you know why he’s not fazed? Because this type of shit only happens to me!!!

I had too much other stuff to worry about, to let this maniac ruin my life but that whole interaction, coupled with my work stress rattled me a bit.

I really couldn’t shake it.

I tried to catch myself when I was having a negative thought and imagine a rainbow or a really expensive shoe…..but it didn’t seem natural.

I guess Sam is psychic as well and even though I was working very hard to shoot magical positive light beams out from my body, he could feel all my stress and tension.

He took it upon himself to make me a book to cheer me up.

I remember growing up – there were standard pictures I would draw for my parents that I thought would make them happy.

For my mother I would draw flowers, hearts and birds.

For my dad I would draw sailboats and the beach.

Here was page one of Sam’s book:

pg1

“Um – that’s nice Sam.” I said – (trying not to be negative.)

“Oh yeah – that page is for Daddy – it’s a ninja turtle, a NY Giants sign and a little bottle of beer.” he said as he turned to page 2:

“Here’s your page.”

At first I was being negative and I thought that was a picture of "tan mom" from New Jersey - but then he clarified that it was in fact Madonna.

At first I was being negative and I thought that was a picture of “tan mom” from New Jersey – but then he clarified that it was in fact Madonna.

And then another page for Mr. Gaga:

A huge beer? I thought this was my book???

A huge beer? I thought this was my book???

And then a gigantic glass of wine…..

pg3

The next page said “The End.” and I think he perfectly summed things up.

While this story may be troubling to some, and some might find it upsetting that a child thinks that the key to cheering up his mother is through alcohol and 80′s pop stars…..

For me it was just what I needed to feel a little less negative.

challenge132

(Don’t worry – it will just be temporary – I will be back to calling small children douchebags by next week.)

STAY TUNED TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT GREAT PARENTS MR. GAGA AND I ARE….I WILL POST SOME PICS FROM MICHAEL’S BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT ENDED WITH SEVERAL CHILDREN CRYING….IN THE MEANTIME CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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LINKING TO THE DAILY PROMPT AT WORDPRESS RE: TOPIC

“HARSH CRITICISM”

Putting the cart before the rest of us….


Well, well, well….

Remember when I posted the following, (after I went to Disney World) and many of you blasted me with hate emails????

Well, I hate to say it, but by the size of the humans that were walking around, zipping around on motorized carts, in Disney World, …. Everywhere we went we were met with hoards of overweight people with Mickey Mouse ears on and fanny packs strapped onto their motorized carts.

This is a very common scene...tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas....
This is a very common scene…tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas….These people only left their carts so they could get a good seat for the parade.

“I’m sorry did I miss the episode of the Mickey Mouse Club when Mickey announced he loved fat people and soda?” I asked Mr. Gaga. “I don’t get it.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we were making our way through the crowds of obese people.

“Well they are fat because they drink soda and the fact that they are so fat and lazy that they can’t walk doesn’t help,” he pointed out. I looked around and realized at the moment that about half of the people in the park were driving carts and half were walking. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, “I thought everyone was injured!” Mr. Gaga stared at me like I was an idiot.

When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!
When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!

After a few days in the Magic Kingdom we made our way to Epcot Center. “Hey did you notice there aren’t any motorized carts here?” Mr. Gaga pointed out. “Oh yeah…I wonder why?” I said as I looked over the map of the Epcot. “Oh!! I bet we will see them in “America!”

After enjoying music, culture and food in Japan, France, Italy and Mexico I was afraid to see what “America” had to offer.

“It’s just going to be big enormous people laying on couches everywhere eating McDonalds and drinking huge sodas.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we made our way.

“Or enormous children playing video games,” Mr. Gaga offered.

We were pleasantly surprised that neither of those features were the focus of the America showcase in Epcot.

Thank God….it would be totally embarrassing if the world found out the truth about us.

It’s best to keep this little soda problem a secret between you, me, Mickey Mouse and Mayor Bloomberg.

Well it looks like even OLD MICKEY MOUSE HIMSELF recognized that these motorized carters were imposters!!

Pretending that they can’t walk so they can zip to the front of every line!!!!!

The jig is up motorized cart people.

The jig is up.

Disney World issued a statement this week that they would modify the rules that allowed everyone who is in a motorized cart to just zip in front of the 500 people who have waited in the hot sweaty lines for 2 hours.

While it is important to allow special needs children to get in front of the line – because clearly it is a priority for them – it is NOT a priority for people who abuse the system.

Funny enough – we chose this week to go to the BIG E - which is basically a the ultimate in New England fairs.  It’s much dirtier than Disney, and much less rides and much trashier food.

Also – there’s no mouse – so they make do with whatever white trash mascot they can think of.  Here – the kids begged me to play a game where they would win – what appears to be a banana that is a Rastafarian??

banana

Also – this fair is pretty big – but not nearly as big as Disney, so there aren’t as many motorized carts.

But I did take some time to actually observe the motorized carters when I saw them.

I noticed one couple had filled the basket in front of their cart with cigarettes, lighters and fried doughs.

The irony was not lost on me.

The main point of this fair is to eat ungodly things that no human should ever eat -

I kicked it off with fried pickles….

pickle

Remember when I blogged about Mr. Gaga’s Irish tendencies??

Well Mr. Gaga took it one step further by ordering this…..

balls

This is called “fried shephard’s pie” …smothered with gravy….
Yes. It’s true.

So then it was time to feed the kids.

Usual requests include burgers and pizza.

“I want one of those.” Michael said pointing to a food stand.

“Are you sure? You have never had one…..you might not like it.”

“I want one.” he said positively.

“Ok.” I answered hesitantly.

It was my first time too and it was fucking delicious.

dog

While we were on a roll with the white trash foods – I took a gamble and decided we should try one of the Big E specialties.

It’s called the Craz-E burger.

If you guessed that this was a bacon cheeseburger placed gently in between two glazed doughnuts, then you would be correct....

If you guessed that this was a bacon cheeseburger placed gently in between two glazed doughnuts, then you would be correct….

I have to say – it was pretty good!!

Now does anyone know where I can buy a motorized cart??

SORRY EVERYONE!!  BUT FAIR IS FAIR!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW SO I CAN BE THE NUMBER ONE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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