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Category Archives: bad parenting

The Sunday of Summer


The end of summer is coming.

I can smell it in the air.  As my favorite season threatens to come to a close, I find myself waking earlier than I should each morning in a panic.  I have begun to think about the start of school and I have started to worry about things that I haven’t worried about since June.

august

I have one more week of freedom so I am going to FORCE myself to continue to enjoy the summer and to ignore those worries that are starting to creep into my subconscious.  I will ignore the mental list I have begun to make regarding school supplies, after school activities and birthday parties that I need to RSVP for.

In order to preserve my mental health I am going to continue to enjoy all of the stuff that I have been loving and obsessing over this summer which include but are not limited to the following:

#1 The Ice Bucket Challenge: - This is just sheer genius.  The National ALS Foundation stated that it has raised ten million dollars in the past two weeks!!!  It’s fun and it’s for a good cause.

Also, as a side note those people whose pictures you stalk on Facebook have now come to life.  Now you can watch and hear someone who you haven’t seen in twenty-five years.  You can listen to their voice and watch them interact with their kids and most of all you can watch them get drenched with ice water.  What is not to love about this?

#2 – Paddle Board – I desperately wanted to get a paddleboard for myself so I could pretend I was Cameron Diaz for the kids.  My father surprised us for Christmas with one and it is the best beach activity ever.  It provides endless fun for the children and even though in my mind I look like a svelte celebrity straight out of the pages of US Weekly, in fact I look like this – most of the time:

kimk

I don’t really care.  I love it.

#3 – Summer reading: Is there anything better than getting off of your paddle board and plopping down into your beach chair and reading books about people in beach houses and summer homes filled with scandal??  No there’s not.

These two books brought me great joy this summer:

 

pool liars

 

#4 – Game of Crowns:    After a long day of ignoring my children, pretending I am a celebrity paddle boarding in Maui, and reading about imaginary people in their summer homes, I just really need something relaxing at night.  This is why I have been thoroughly enjoying the new show on Bravo, Game of Crowns.

This show features married women who compete in pageants.  One of the stars of the show is the former Mrs. Connecticut and Mrs. America.

I like to watch this show and imagine what I would do if I was Mrs. America or Mrs. Connecticut.

The real Mrs. America is very sweet and down-to-earth and is a mother to four children.

She doesn't let the sash or crown go to her head...But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.

She doesn’t let the sash or crown go to her head…But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.  I would totally wear this outfit to the PTO Meeting at my kids’ school.

I wouldn’t love doing those pageants.

I wouldn’t love not eating anything so I could fit into my swimsuit.

I wouldn’t love being friends with other lunatic pageant women.

What I would love is just announcing to people that I was Mrs. America.

If Mr. Gaga asked me if I washed his underwear, I could just say “No – sorry – I am Mrs. America and Mrs. America doesn’t do laundry.”

Moms who call for playdates would be told that “Because I am Mrs. America I really don’t have time for playdates.”

Birthday party invites could go directly in the garbage…”Sorry – since I am Mrs. America I have very important work to do on Saturdays and Sundays for America and my kids will be with me…”

Even when my own kids asked me for shit I could say “Do you know who I am?? I am MRS. AMERICA!” Go outside and don’t come back until dinner time.”

Those baseball games that I don’t watch.  Nobody could accuse me of being a bad mother because I would simply explain to them that as MRS. AMERICA I had very important America stuff to do that required me to miss the games completely.

Oh it would be glorious.

#5 – Baked Potato Salad and Grilled Cheese:

When I’m not reading, fantasizing about pageants, or floating out to sea on the paddleboard, I am generally drinking alcoholic beverages or eating food.  This summer we have made lots of delicious foods but a couple of dishes have stood out.

This potato salad is made with baked potatoes, chives, sour cream, cheddar cheese and bacon.

I mean I don’t know what else I can say about it except that it is basically heaven on a fork (and I don’t even like potatoes.)

potatoes

And then there’s this tomato, basil and mozzarella grilled cheese that I have made like three times this summer….I mean I just can’t get enough.

caprese

And then there’s the s’mores brownies….

smores

These recipes can otherwise be known as “Reasons why I am NOT Mrs. America” – but I am going to continue this life of bliss and peace for one more week……

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME – EVEN IF I AM NOT THE REAL MRS. AMERICA I AM AT LEAST THE FUNNIEST! MOM IN AMERICA

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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All Hats Are Off…


I am famous for slacking off in the summer as a parent.

I am present  diligent  focused doting   a good parent for the most part from September through June.  Come July all bets are off.

We follow the rules for food, school, sports, bed time, reading lists, appropriate screen times, etc. during the year and in the summer it’s time to let things slide.

So when Mr. Gaga came home from a NASCAR race (for real) with hats for the kids and they wore them to summer camp I didn’t think twice.

They were so proud and excited to wear the hats because they thought they looked like really cool teenagers, off they went on their bikes and I went to the beach to read my book.  Everyone was happy.

They came home completely devastated.

“First we were playing a game and they counselors said “Anyone wearing an inappropriate hat come on this team’ and they were talking about me and Michael!” Sam said with astonishment.

“Yeah then later they actually pulled us aside and said that we had to take our hats off and that they would give them to us after camp!” Michael said with despair.

“Why?” I asked incredulously.

“They said that our hats were “beer hats!” Sam said with horror.

So you are all envisioning this horrible hat from a NASCAR race that would be deemed “inappropriate.”   Something like this….

supreme-playboy-snapback-hat-cap-black

Or maybe at least this….

$(KGrHqN,!qcFGlEjIVVeBRzJO!qNE!~~60_35

 

Or I could see how this hat could potentially be offensive….

sluts

 

I stared at their hats doubtfully…..”But who even knows what the heck this is?”

hat

Who the fuck drinks apple ale?? And who the fuck cares?

“One of the older kids said ‘That’s a beer hat!” Michael said matter-of-factly.

“Well who cares?” I asked getting annoyed. “It’s not like a Newport Light hat or a porn hat!”

The kids stared at me and shrugged.

I started making their lunch fuming mad.  First of all it’s summer camp at the beach, it’s not some sort of educational institution run by Communists.  Second of all, are we not allowed to discuss beer or admit that we drink it daily?   By creating a big fuss about this stupid hat it makes my children feel as though drinking beer is very bad….in which case they will start to wonder about their father and all of the hats he wears…..

great-hat-fan
When I was growing up my parents and aunts and uncles would drink all the time. We thought nothing of it.  In the old days, fathers would come home and just walk in the door at 5 PM and start chugging straight scotch or whiskey out of a rocks glass.

Dads would down straight liquor and puff on cigars and cigarettes in the house after a long day of work while the children quietly did their homework or played.

Nobody would even bat an eyelash while grown adults utilized grown adult substances.

What would Don Draper do if someone complained about his kid’s “Apple Juice Hat?” He would throw back his drink and blow smoke in the person’s face and laugh….

We didn’t really feel comfortable doing that but I just made a special hat and necklace for Mr. Gaga the next day when he brought the kids to camp.

beer-hat2

Nobody seemed to notice so the next day – I brought the kids myself and really tried to make a statement….

 

 

thumb_cigarette-hat

 

I think it’s safe to say that nobody will be bothering us about our choice of fashion accessories anymore….

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

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Born in the wild (to assholes)


I have been enjoying my long weekend at the beach with lots of sun, food and drink.  There haven’t been too many parenting dilemmas to speak of because ….well…quite frankly I have been ignoring the children.

However, I did find out about something new and exciting in the birthing world that I felt I should discuss.

During this week we enjoyed parties and celebrations of our “independence” as a nation. On July 4th, 1776 the Congress formally adopted the Declaration of Independence.  One of our “Founding Fathers”  who helped to get the wheels in motion to ensure our independence from Great Britain was the one and only, Benjamin Franklin.

I pretty much just thought he did that and then flew kites got electrocuted by lightning all day, but apparently he did some other very important stuff.

Apparently he just dicked around with kites all day...nice life.

Apparently he just dicked around with kites all day…nice life.

He put together a very important petition in Pennsylvania to create an institution that is now known as the “hospital.”

… petitioners were directed to present the Assembly with a bill to create a hospital. Presented a week later, the bill encouraged the Assembly to establish a hospital “to care for the sick poor of the Province and for the reception and care of lunaticks.”

From that day on we have enjoyed the comforts of hospital care.

We are able to enjoy modern medicine in well-lit sterile environments filled with trained medical professionals who spent years and years studying the human body at expensive medical schools.

We have been blessed with enjoyable television programming such as ER and Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital.

Everyone is so focused on that damn kite - why don't we celebrate Benjamin Franklin for bringing us this??

Everyone is so focused on that damn kite – why don’t we celebrate Benjamin Franklin for bringing us this??

But now we have something even more groundbreaking to look forward to in the world of television.

I quite enjoy reality television and I have to say this spring, Lifetime Television really outdid themselves by bringing us some of the most riveting television in the history of reality TV with “True Tori.”

"My heart is ripped out!" Tori screamed before she kicked all of the baby and wedding pictures of the bed and had a complete nervous breakdown.  It was absolutely fascinating.

“My heart is ripped out!” Tori screamed before she kicked all of the baby and wedding pictures off the bed and had a complete nervous breakdown. It was absolutely fascinating.

I am sorry but I cannot forgive Lifetime for their next big show.  No matter how many scrapbooks Tori kicks off of her bed in hysterics.

‘Born in the Wild’ is set to debut on Lifetime, “a documentation of what happens when women actually give birth with no help from doctors.”

Lifetime is presenting us with a reality show this summer featuring women who feel that the birthing process should not be in a local hospital.  It should apparently not be in their home either. These women find that hospitals and homes are too “medicalized” and that birth should be a natural and beautiful process.

Modern mothers once again have decided to reinvent the wheel.  Convinced that evil medicine and sterility will destroy their precious beautiful birth moment, they have taken to popping kids out in kiddie pools in their dining room in droves.

They even hire photographers to document this amazing process.

Here a woman entertains everyone with a quick rendition of “Chopsticks” while she anxiously awaits her new baby!

piano birth

 

When she is finished with a quick “Moonlight Sonata” she urges her partner to hop into his Tommy Bahama bathing suit, and put on his gold chain and dry-hump her from behind.

birth couple

Soon after they hop into the kiddie pool that is set up in their living room and begin the process of childbirth at home.

tub

 

kiss

But no!! Even the home birth isn’t natural enough for the latest batch of assholes bearing newborns.

Too sterile!! Not natural enough!!

So where should one squeeze out a child and a placenta these days?  Where could a mother be completely immersed in this beautiful process with no disruptions from modern medicine or trained professionals?

Oh….the rainforest of course!

cos-01-birth-xA4vEe-de

I will just put my yoga mat right here in this filthy creek….

Lifetime’s PR people put out the crafty tagline for the show asking“What happens when the craziest experience of a woman’s life becomes truly wild, and soon-to-be parents decide to take on an unassisted birth in the outdoors?” 

Oh I’ll tell you what happens….these poor children get to experience their very first moments of being born to stupid fucking “lunatiks” (as Ben Franklin would call them.)  They might get Legionnaire’s Disease from still water or they might get stung by a wasp and contract malaria.

Ben Franklin worked long and hard to bring us hospitals where we have the luxury of knowing that if something goes wrong, then people who spent every penny they had at Harvard Medical School will help to ensure that our baby survives.  Do you think that you are so one with Mother Nature that you are willing to risk the safety of your newborn child?

Let’s just say that everything is fine and you don’t need any help from a doctor or the comforts of an emergency room….

What if a frog or salamander jumps onto your baby when it pops out? What if it shoots out and hits his head on the rocks?  What if he goes into the water and a wave comes and he starts floating away? What if an animal eats him? What if the baby ingest bacteria ridden algae from the creek as it comes out?

Do you think you are a fish or other animal that lives in the rainforest? Because you are not.  What you are is an ignorant fool.

Oh and PS – nice ponytail.

Apparently when things get uncomfortable by the creek you can always pop on over to your purple yoga mat that’s set up on a bed of rocks.

women-birth-3_060714025739

 

Then when all is said and done you can just move away from all of the bloody pebbles and nurse your new baby and think about how amazing and “natural” and “wild” you are and how much Benjamin Franklin would hate your guts.

born-in-the-wild

Oh how nice that you were able to stop at the local rainforest J Crew for a statement necklace for this happy occasion!

 

I am hoping that True Tori has another season or maybe I will start watching General Hospital again, because watching ‘lunatiks’ give birth on beds of filthy rocks filled with bugs and bacteria is not my idea of entertainment.

Yet just one more piece of evidence that mothers of today have completely lost their minds.

I HEART BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

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RIP Multiplication Table – Hello Common Core


This week is conference week in Goopville.

This means that we get to find out how our children are doing in school.

Simultaneously, the teachers work a half day all week-long so that they are not overburdened by work. Because meeting with Goopville parents for a couple of hours each day is apparently the equivalent of going to war in Iraq we are asked to supply a variety of snacks and meal items for the teachers while we have to have our children home at 1:30 each day.

I used to look forward to conferences so I could hear about the academic progress of my children – but I have since learned better.

All commentary is veiled with politically correct terminology and I usually leave with little to no information about where my child stands.

The days of categorizing children as smart or dumb are over.

Recently Michael mentioned that he spent an hour with a special group for math.

“I am almost into multiplication in my WIN group!” he exclaimed with pride the other day.

“What’s a WIN group?” I demanded.

“We go into groups and we practice our math problems.”

“Do you leave the room to work on math?” I asked with trepidation as my blood pressure started to rise.

“Yes.”

I threw down my magazine and got into his face. “Who’s in the group?”

He started to mention some smart children and I was thrilled.  I knew he was a genius!!

Thank god - he's the next Bill Gates and I don't have to worry about paying for college.....

Thank god – he’s the next Bill Gates and I don’t have to worry about paying for college…..

then he started to mention some idiots….

I started to sweat. Why would he be in a math group with kids that were not very bright. Was he an idiot?

I called Mr. Gaga at work while the kids worked on their homework.

I spoke in a hushed tone.  “Michael goes to a special group for math…and I can’t figure out if he is extremely bright or mildly retarded.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Gaga asked with annoyance.

When he got home he peppered Michael with a series of questions that got us nowhere.

When we were going to bed Mr. Gaga said “Well – he’s either really smart or a moron….I will email the teacher tomorrow.”

Of course when the teacher emailed us back we STILL didn’t know the answer.

She said “All of the kids break into groups and practice their math skills – He is right where he should be :)”

“Well – “right where he should be” is not good.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“I am sure she would tell us if he needed help.” he brushed me off.

Would she?  Everyone is so politically correct these days – would anyone tell me if my kid was an idiot??  Was I an idiot? How could I not notice that he needed extra help in math?

When I went to my parents’ for dinner I mentioned this math dilemma.

“We just don’t know if he’s an idiot or a mathematical genius.” I sighed.

“Well what are his grades in math?” my father asked incredulously.

“Oh…..well mostly check marks and smiley faces I guess…” I answered matter-of-factly.

My father almost choked on his dinner.

“You pay all those taxes to live in Goopville for smiley-faces?” he yelled.

“Hmmm, ….um….yes. The grading system is just basically a series of smiley-faces…..” I answered earnestly.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You mean to tell me this kid has never gotten a grade on anything?”

“Nope.”

He has a point.

No wonder we don’t know if Michael is smart or not.

When I thought about it – it was quite feasible that I would not know if he was good at math or not.

How could I know?

I don’t know because it is a big fucking mystery!!!

With the new common core standards of teaching – children are little robots that must go through the standardized testing motions with little to no feedback.  All so that every child can be at the same academic level at all times.

Is the goal of the “COMMON CORE” for everyone to be common!!

Is it so that everyone can fall to the lowest common denominator!!

To add insult to injury – with the new common core standards of teaching there are new ways to teach and learn everything – especially math.

Gone are the days of the glorious math charts where you just memorized all of the multiplication tables and were set for life.

That is no longer allowed.

I'm sorry but didn't this chart work for like 3000 years??

I’m sorry but didn’t this chart work for like 3000 years??

Now math problems are solved with huge tables and strange pictures.

It is no longer enough to just get the right answer ….you need to “show your work.”

The Gaga’s have not embraced this new learning method with open arms.

Parents are supposed to check off each night that their child has completed their homework. A few weeks into the third grade I quickly realized that checking work was no longer an option because I clearly didn’t understand third grade math. Since September I have been making check marks where Michael tells me to and hope that he’s done his work properly.

On top of the fact that I don’t get it – there’s the issue that I just think it’s stupid.

“Why – can’t he just write 5×4=20?” I plead with Mr. Gaga. “This is such a waste of time!!”

See below – the question was “If 5 people have 4 bananas each, how many bananas are there?”

This is a picture of "a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling  bananas,  a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas" says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer....

This is a picture of “a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling bananas, a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas” says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer….

“Um – ok what’s the answer?” I say with disgust and send him back to do his work properly.

He comes back with this:

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate.  This is the modern way to find out that 5x4 =20.

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate. This is the modern way to find out that 5×4 =20.

“On what planet is this a good way to learn?!!” I ask Mr. Gaga with disgust.  “It just took Michael 20 minutes to answer a multiplication question that in the 1980’s would have taken us 30 seconds!!”

“It’s the common core – it’s good.” Mr. Gaga answers diplomatically.

“To what end?” I ask.  “So that we can compete with other countries?”

I have news for everyone, 10 Chinese boys just cured cancer and performed a full violin concert while my son was over here in America dicking around drawing 5o0 bananas.

I am not impressed.

And if you think I am not impressed – just come over some day and watch Sam do his first grade homework.

He also has to “show his work.”  But since his work is much easier it’s even more ridiculous.

Each afternoon I tread lightly – plying him with snacks and chocolate milk, hugs and kisses, before I bring up the dreaded task of homework.

He immediately spirals into a very dark mood and starts banging things around looking for pencils and his folder.  His annoyance level gets higher and higher with each stupid question he has to answer.

Last week he had to fill out a “pattern worksheet.”

It was something like this.  And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing....

It was something like this. And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing….

He seems to take after me with his lack of patience or interest in bullshit assignments that are stupid and lead to Chinese people conquering the world while we are left holding our dick in our hands 500 pictures of bananas.

He was muttering under his breath while he got to work.  After he completed the first row – I reminded him to write out “how he knew which numbers came next.”

“I KNOW!” he screamed like a lunatic.

When I checked on his work I was so proud.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

 

In closing, I still don’t know if we are smart or dangerously inept over here in the Gaga household – but I am determined to figure it out this week at the parent-teacher conferences!!!

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

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ketchuplabel125copy2

 

March Madness in Goopville


A while back I asked my readers what to call this homicidal maniac town I live in.  It is a town filled with mothers that are gluten free and wear Lululemon clothes all day for no reason and park in handicapped parking spots to give their children their skiis.  Someone suggested “Goopville” referencing the ramblings of lunatic, Gwenyth Paltrow on her insane blog GOOP….I thought that was perfection.  My town’s new name is Goopville.

Michael has a fall birthday.

Because I chose to send him to kindergarten at age 4 he is often the youngest in his class and on teams.  When I was weighing my decision to send him I thought it would be ok for him to compete with 5-year-olds.  What I hadn’t anticipated was that he would be competing with many 6 year-olds, since most mothers these days hold back their children as long as possible.  This is commonly known as “red-shirting your kindergartener.”

One can always spot these “red-shirters” because they are usually 6 feet tall and the boys have facial hair and the girls have full double “D’s” and their period in the third grade.

This is typical picture from Michael's class...see if you can find the "red-shirter."

This is typical picture from Michael’s class…see if you can find the “red-shirter.”

Michael plays in the YMCA basketball league for 7 and 8 year-olds.  The league relies on parent volunteers as coaches.  While it is generous of anyone to dedicate their time and energy to being a coach, you can imagine how things could get dicey with the wrong candidates.

Last week at Michael’s basketball game there was one of these monstrous red-shirters on the other team.  At first we thought he must be someone’s older brother while the team was warming up but then he took off his sweatshirt to reveal his team shirt and we were horrified.

The kid was at least ten years old.  His head was bigger than mine and Mr. Gaga’s put together and he had a moustache and for some reason not related to his age at all, he had a combover.

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head...not sure

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head…not sure

When the game started it was immediately clear that the kid was a nightmare.  He was pushing and shoving all the kids.  At one point, him and Michael both went for the ball and they started wrestling on the floor.  Michael finally got the ball.

“Nail-head’s” coach started walking on the court.  The ref explained to him that he could not be on the court and sent him back to his corner.

After that, “nail-head’s” behavior became more aggressive.

He continued the pushing and shoving and antagonistic behaviors typical of an angry 50 year-old.

guns-dont-kill-happy-gilmore-costume-shirt-screengrab-2

And then…

for no reason relative to the game of basketball…..he punched Michael in the stomach.

The referee had enough finally.

He threw him out of the game.

Like any mentally unstable “red-shirter”…he went to the corner of the gym and cried like a little bitch.

All was right with the world.

For all of two minutes.

Then all of a sudden – he was back in the game.

Why was he back on the court? How could this be??

Oh – because the coach told him to go back in!!!

“Nail-head” was sad- so of course it was time for him to go back in to the game!! Don’t all NBA coaches operate this way?

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything...

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything…

So play resumed.

After a couple of minutes a boy on Michael’s team was wrestling with the “red-shirter” for the ball and accidentally elbowed him in the face.

This time – all of the parents from the other team and the coach came running onto the court and a mob scene ensued.

georgetown-china-fight

The president of the YMCA happened to be there that day and noticed that something had gone horribly wrong on the court.

The other team’s parents and coaches were irate that someone had injured “nail-head” by accident!!!

Our team’s coach was screaming at the other team’s coach and a bunch of parents were there yelling at the ref and both coaches.

The YMCA President came running over to calm the masses and made everyone sit down in the bleachers.  He spoke to everyone about sportsmanship and told all the parents that the games were for the kids and that the basketball league is about children not adults.  He threatened to cancel the game unless everyone could agree to stay seated and watch and enjoy the game.

It's sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship....

It’s sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship….

The scolded parents agreed to stay still while the game ended.

And of course – just in case you were thinking there was hope for humanity at the end of the game when it was time to line up and shake hands – “Nail Head” punched everyone’s hand!!

Now Mr Gaga wanted me to mention that I actually wasn’t at the game (as usual) and that he gave me the first-hand account of what happened, because he just knew it was blog-worthy.

And even though I tell these types of cautionary tales week after week – I am amazed every time when I notice children acting like barbarians.  Every time parents act like stupid fucking morons I am shocked.

I will just never stop being shocked by modern-day parents’ bad behaviors.  The fact that parents today would sit by and watch their slow adult  3rd grader be violent and inappropriate and say nothing is disturbing on many levels.

What will happen to athletes if they are allowed to act like savage beasts and nobody ever puts them in their place?

Well ask Lance….

lance

Or Oscar…

oscarp

or this guy….

oj

or Mike….

tyson

Just sayin….

This won’t end well for all those “nail-heads” out there.

I DON’T KNOW WHEN PARENTS WILL STOP ACTING LIKE HUGE DOUCHEBAGS…BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL BE BUSY BRINGING YOU ALL OF THE LIVE REPORTING…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO BE SURE THAT I REMAIN IN THE RUNNING FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

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This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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“Good mothers” love Spongebob Squarepants


Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…

The kids had friends over on Friday night.

I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.

“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.

“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.

Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.

His friend’s shoulders slumped.  “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”

They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys.   Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”

Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.

After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.

“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! “

He stared back at me.

“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.

“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.

” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.

“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.

“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.

But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching.  The answers were delightful.

The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.

Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :

1 – Don’t be a Follower - Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog.  If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”

2 – “Don’t litter” -One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.

“Stick up for your friends” - Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode.  “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”

It's also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren't led to believe that it's like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

It’s also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren’t led to believe that it’s like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

3 – Listen to your teacher:  “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff.  He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.

4- Never fight around babies:  “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby while Patrick is MIA....These are stories they just aren't telling over on PBS...

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby and Patrick is MIA….These are stories they just aren’t telling over on PBS…

One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.

5 – “Keep trying” -“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently.  “He never gives up.”

6 – “Dance, surf &karate” - “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.

Thanks Sponge - I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes....

Thanks Sponge – I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes….

7 – “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”

breath

**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.

8 – “Don’t curse.”  “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....

Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

9 – “Do what you love to do.” - “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”

**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.

10 – (my personal favorite lesson) - “Don’t go in tanning booths.”

“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people - You have to admit - noboby wants to party with pale, pasty losers....

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people – You have to admit – nobody wants to party with pale, pasty losers….

“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained.  “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed...Who doesn't want their kids to learn about that???

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed…Who doesn’t want their kids to learn about that???

In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014.  I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!

Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday.  After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.

“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.

My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.

The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?

They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”

YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!

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