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Category Archives: bad parenting

RIP Multiplication Table – Hello Common Core


This week is conference week in Goopville.

This means that we get to find out how our children are doing in school.

Simultaneously, the teachers work a half day all week-long so that they are not overburdened by work. Because meeting with Goopville parents for a couple of hours each day is apparently the equivalent of going to war in Iraq we are asked to supply a variety of snacks and meal items for the teachers while we have to have our children home at 1:30 each day.

I used to look forward to conferences so I could hear about the academic progress of my children – but I have since learned better.

All commentary is veiled with politically correct terminology and I usually leave with little to no information about where my child stands.

The days of categorizing children as smart or dumb are over.

Recently Michael mentioned that he spent an hour with a special group for math.

“I am almost into multiplication in my WIN group!” he exclaimed with pride the other day.

“What’s a WIN group?” I demanded.

“We go into groups and we practice our math problems.”

“Do you leave the room to work on math?” I asked with trepidation as my blood pressure started to rise.

“Yes.”

I threw down my magazine and got into his face. “Who’s in the group?”

He started to mention some smart children and I was thrilled.  I knew he was a genius!!

Thank god - he's the next Bill Gates and I don't have to worry about paying for college.....

Thank god – he’s the next Bill Gates and I don’t have to worry about paying for college…..

then he started to mention some idiots….

I started to sweat. Why would he be in a math group with kids that were not very bright. Was he an idiot?

I called Mr. Gaga at work while the kids worked on their homework.

I spoke in a hushed tone.  “Michael goes to a special group for math…and I can’t figure out if he is extremely bright or mildly retarded.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Gaga asked with annoyance.

When he got home he peppered Michael with a series of questions that got us nowhere.

When we were going to bed Mr. Gaga said “Well – he’s either really smart or a moron….I will email the teacher tomorrow.”

Of course when the teacher emailed us back we STILL didn’t know the answer.

She said “All of the kids break into groups and practice their math skills – He is right where he should be :)”

“Well – “right where he should be” is not good.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“I am sure she would tell us if he needed help.” he brushed me off.

Would she?  Everyone is so politically correct these days – would anyone tell me if my kid was an idiot??  Was I an idiot? How could I not notice that he needed extra help in math?

When I went to my parents’ for dinner I mentioned this math dilemma.

“We just don’t know if he’s an idiot or a mathematical genius.” I sighed.

“Well what are his grades in math?” my father asked incredulously.

“Oh…..well mostly check marks and smiley faces I guess…” I answered matter-of-factly.

My father almost choked on his dinner.

“You pay all those taxes to live in Goopville for smiley-faces?” he yelled.

“Hmmm, ….um….yes. The grading system is just basically a series of smiley-faces…..” I answered earnestly.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You mean to tell me this kid has never gotten a grade on anything?”

“Nope.”

He has a point.

No wonder we don’t know if Michael is smart or not.

When I thought about it – it was quite feasible that I would not know if he was good at math or not.

How could I know?

I don’t know because it is a big fucking mystery!!!

With the new common core standards of teaching - children are little robots that must go through the standardized testing motions with little to no feedback.  All so that every child can be at the same academic level at all times.

Is the goal of the “COMMON CORE” for everyone to be common!!

Is it so that everyone can fall to the lowest common denominator!!

To add insult to injury – with the new common core standards of teaching there are new ways to teach and learn everything – especially math.

Gone are the days of the glorious math charts where you just memorized all of the multiplication tables and were set for life.

That is no longer allowed.

I'm sorry but didn't this chart work for like 3000 years??

I’m sorry but didn’t this chart work for like 3000 years??

Now math problems are solved with huge tables and strange pictures.

It is no longer enough to just get the right answer ….you need to “show your work.”

The Gaga’s have not embraced this new learning method with open arms.

Parents are supposed to check off each night that their child has completed their homework. A few weeks into the third grade I quickly realized that checking work was no longer an option because I clearly didn’t understand third grade math. Since September I have been making check marks where Michael tells me to and hope that he’s done his work properly.

On top of the fact that I don’t get it – there’s the issue that I just think it’s stupid.

“Why – can’t he just write 5×4=20?” I plead with Mr. Gaga. “This is such a waste of time!!”

See below – the question was “If 5 people have 4 bananas each, how many bananas are there?”

This is a picture of "a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling  bananas,  a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas" says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer....

This is a picture of “a guy thinking about bananas, a guy speaking in bananas, a guy juggling bananas, a banana face guy and a guy that hates bananas” says Michael after ten minutes of work with no answer….

“Um – ok what’s the answer?” I say with disgust and send him back to do his work properly.

He comes back with this:

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate.  This is the modern way to find out that 5x4 =20.

This is five plates with four bananas on each plate. This is the modern way to find out that 5×4 =20.

“On what planet is this a good way to learn?!!” I ask Mr. Gaga with disgust.  “It just took Michael 20 minutes to answer a multiplication question that in the 1980′s would have taken us 30 seconds!!”

“It’s the common core – it’s good.” Mr. Gaga answers diplomatically.

“To what end?” I ask.  “So that we can compete with other countries?”

I have news for everyone, 10 Chinese boys just cured cancer and performed a full violin concert while my son was over here in America dicking around drawing 5o0 bananas.

I am not impressed.

And if you think I am not impressed – just come over some day and watch Sam do his first grade homework.

He also has to “show his work.”  But since his work is much easier it’s even more ridiculous.

Each afternoon I tread lightly – plying him with snacks and chocolate milk, hugs and kisses, before I bring up the dreaded task of homework.

He immediately spirals into a very dark mood and starts banging things around looking for pencils and his folder.  His annoyance level gets higher and higher with each stupid question he has to answer.

Last week he had to fill out a “pattern worksheet.”

It was something like this.  And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing....

It was something like this. And it asked him to explain how he knew which numbers were missing….

He seems to take after me with his lack of patience or interest in bullshit assignments that are stupid and lead to Chinese people conquering the world while we are left holding our dick in our hands 500 pictures of bananas.

He was muttering under his breath while he got to work.  After he completed the first row – I reminded him to write out “how he knew which numbers came next.”

“I KNOW!” he screamed like a lunatic.

When I checked on his work I was so proud.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

 

In closing, I still don’t know if we are smart or dangerously inept over here in the Gaga household – but I am determined to figure it out this week at the parent-teacher conferences!!!

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

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March Madness in Goopville


A while back I asked my readers what to call this homicidal maniac town I live in.  It is a town filled with mothers that are gluten free and wear Lululemon clothes all day for no reason and park in handicapped parking spots to give their children their skiis.  Someone suggested “Goopville” referencing the ramblings of lunatic, Gwenyth Paltrow on her insane blog GOOP….I thought that was perfection.  My town’s new name is Goopville.

Michael has a fall birthday.

Because I chose to send him to kindergarten at age 4 he is often the youngest in his class and on teams.  When I was weighing my decision to send him I thought it would be ok for him to compete with 5-year-olds.  What I hadn’t anticipated was that he would be competing with many 6 year-olds, since most mothers these days hold back their children as long as possible.  This is commonly known as “red-shirting your kindergartener.”

One can always spot these “red-shirters” because they are usually 6 feet tall and the boys have facial hair and the girls have full double “D’s” and their period in the third grade.

This is typical picture from Michael's class...see if you can find the "red-shirter."

This is typical picture from Michael’s class…see if you can find the “red-shirter.”

Michael plays in the YMCA basketball league for 7 and 8 year-olds.  The league relies on parent volunteers as coaches.  While it is generous of anyone to dedicate their time and energy to being a coach, you can imagine how things could get dicey with the wrong candidates.

Last week at Michael’s basketball game there was one of these monstrous red-shirters on the other team.  At first we thought he must be someone’s older brother while the team was warming up but then he took off his sweatshirt to reveal his team shirt and we were horrified.

The kid was at least ten years old.  His head was bigger than mine and Mr. Gaga’s put together and he had a moustache and for some reason not related to his age at all, he had a combover.

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head...not sure

Also he may or may not have had a nail in his head…not sure

When the game started it was immediately clear that the kid was a nightmare.  He was pushing and shoving all the kids.  At one point, him and Michael both went for the ball and they started wrestling on the floor.  Michael finally got the ball.

“Nail-head’s” coach started walking on the court.  The ref explained to him that he could not be on the court and sent him back to his corner.

After that, “nail-head’s” behavior became more aggressive.

He continued the pushing and shoving and antagonistic behaviors typical of an angry 50 year-old.

guns-dont-kill-happy-gilmore-costume-shirt-screengrab-2

And then…

for no reason relative to the game of basketball…..he punched Michael in the stomach.

The referee had enough finally.

He threw him out of the game.

Like any mentally unstable “red-shirter”…he went to the corner of the gym and cried like a little bitch.

All was right with the world.

For all of two minutes.

Then all of a sudden – he was back in the game.

Why was he back on the court? How could this be??

Oh – because the coach told him to go back in!!!

“Nail-head” was sad- so of course it was time for him to go back in to the game!! Don’t all NBA coaches operate this way?

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything...

Even the ref was too nervous to say anything…

So play resumed.

After a couple of minutes a boy on Michael’s team was wrestling with the “red-shirter” for the ball and accidentally elbowed him in the face.

This time – all of the parents from the other team and the coach came running onto the court and a mob scene ensued.

georgetown-china-fight

The president of the YMCA happened to be there that day and noticed that something had gone horribly wrong on the court.

The other team’s parents and coaches were irate that someone had injured “nail-head” by accident!!!

Our team’s coach was screaming at the other team’s coach and a bunch of parents were there yelling at the ref and both coaches.

The YMCA President came running over to calm the masses and made everyone sit down in the bleachers.  He spoke to everyone about sportsmanship and told all the parents that the games were for the kids and that the basketball league is about children not adults.  He threatened to cancel the game unless everyone could agree to stay seated and watch and enjoy the game.

It's sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship....

It’s sad when grown-ass people have to listen to some guy talk about sportsmanship….

The scolded parents agreed to stay still while the game ended.

And of course – just in case you were thinking there was hope for humanity at the end of the game when it was time to line up and shake hands – “Nail Head” punched everyone’s hand!!

Now Mr Gaga wanted me to mention that I actually wasn’t at the game (as usual) and that he gave me the first-hand account of what happened, because he just knew it was blog-worthy.

And even though I tell these types of cautionary tales week after week – I am amazed every time when I notice children acting like barbarians.  Every time parents act like stupid fucking morons I am shocked.

I will just never stop being shocked by modern-day parents’ bad behaviors.  The fact that parents today would sit by and watch their slow adult  3rd grader be violent and inappropriate and say nothing is disturbing on many levels.

What will happen to athletes if they are allowed to act like savage beasts and nobody ever puts them in their place?

Well ask Lance….

lance

Or Oscar…

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or this guy….

oj

or Mike….

tyson

Just sayin….

This won’t end well for all those “nail-heads” out there.

I DON’T KNOW WHEN PARENTS WILL STOP ACTING LIKE HUGE DOUCHEBAGS…BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL BE BUSY BRINGING YOU ALL OF THE LIVE REPORTING…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO BE SURE THAT I REMAIN IN THE RUNNING FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

photo

This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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“Good mothers” love Spongebob Squarepants


Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…

The kids had friends over on Friday night.

I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.

“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.

“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.

Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.

His friend’s shoulders slumped.  “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”

They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys.   Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”

Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.

After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.

“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! “

He stared back at me.

“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.

“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.

” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.

“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.

“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.

But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching.  The answers were delightful.

The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.

Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :

1 – Don’t be a Follower - Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog.  If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”

2 – “Don’t litter” -One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.

“Stick up for your friends” - Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode.  “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”

It's also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren't led to believe that it's like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

It’s also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren’t led to believe that it’s like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

3 - Listen to your teacher:  “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff.  He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.

4- Never fight around babies:  “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby while Patrick is MIA....These are stories they just aren't telling over on PBS...

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby and Patrick is MIA….These are stories they just aren’t telling over on PBS…

One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.

5 - “Keep trying” -“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently.  “He never gives up.”

6 - “Dance, surf &karate” - “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.

Thanks Sponge - I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes....

Thanks Sponge – I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes….

7 - “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”

breath

**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.

8 - “Don’t curse.”  “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....

Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

9 - “Do what you love to do.” - “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”

**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.

10 – (my personal favorite lesson) - “Don’t go in tanning booths.”

“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people - You have to admit - noboby wants to party with pale, pasty losers....

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people – You have to admit – nobody wants to party with pale, pasty losers….

“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained.  “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed...Who doesn't want their kids to learn about that???

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed…Who doesn’t want their kids to learn about that???

In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014.  I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!

Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday.  After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.

“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.

My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.

The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?

They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”

YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!

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This happened….ALLEGEDLY


Nowadays getting children to school is much more complicated than it used to be.

It used to be that children who lived close to school would walk to school.  Those children that didn’t live close would take the bus.

Because of the system in place to help deliver children to school there would be very little or no parents at United States schools in the morning or afternoons.

Those days are over.

Now “walkers” are driven to school.  Nobody actually lets their kids walk to school.

Also, children that are meant to take the bus often don’t because “they don’t like it,” or their parents think “it’s a bad experience.”

This has created a new modern-day problem for schools across America.  There is a constant struggle to maintain control during “school drop-off and pick-up.”

Imagine, twice a day, each educational institution must figure out a way to control all of the crazy lunatic mothers in their huge oversized vehicles.

As a result, school pick up is annoying and crowded and everyone is in a rush.

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There are very strict rules and guidelines for drop-off and pick-up.

Everyone know the rules.  They are very clear.

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Many people simply choose not to obey them.

This week at an elementary school in town….the following  “allegedly” happened.

During the usual hectic school pick up, a mother arrived at the school with skiis that needed to be delivered to her son.

kimcar

Assessing the situation, she decided that the line of cars ahead of her was too long.  Racking her brain of how she could best cut the line to get the skiis to her child – she made a quick decision.

She parked where anybody with such an emergency would park.

handicappedspot

She left her car running and made her way to her son’s bus to deliver the almighty skiis.

kim skiis2

Meanwhile little Hunter anxiously awaited his skiis.

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Meanwhile, another mother witnessed the illegal parking of Ski Bunny Mom.  After probably years of dealing with entitled behaviors from the mothers and children in this town, she couldn’t take it anymore (or maybe she just feels strongly about illegal handicapped parking) – either way she thought to herself “I’m going to teach Ski Bunny mom a lesson.”

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are so important.....watch this crazy move.

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are better than the rest of us…..watch this crazy move.

She promptly got into Ski Bunny Mom’s running vehicle and peeled out.

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When Ski Bunny mom got back to where she had illegally parked her vehicle it was gone.

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Nobody had seen anyone move her car.

Nobody came forward to confess taking the car.

KIM5

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The car was found across the street.  But Ski Bunny mom and the community was up in arms.

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it??  Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it?? Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

Moms took to social media to express their concerns and distaste for whoever would dare take someone’s vehicle out of the handicapped parking spot.

“This person should be arrested!!!” They all cried. 

“We are great mothers and people!! We don’t deserve this!” 

“Children without skiis are just as important as children that are handicapped!!”

“Mothers of children without skiis have feelings too!!””

After several posts on Facebook and Twitter – a token handicapped person chimed in!!

Did she scold Ski Bunny mom for parking illegally?

Nope.

handicapmom2

This only added fuel to the fire.

kim4

Some mothers even began to fight on social media.  Some mothers say they will be watching and searching for the mystery car mover in the coming weeks.

Either way, this is a perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands.

Even though it’s not right to steal people’s cars – I have a feeling the car mover and I could possibly be friends….possibly.

Either way – I really can’t make this stuff up.

Also….

This is all ALLEGED.

THIS TOWN IS INSANE!  PLEASE HELP ME COME UP WITH  A FAKE BLOG NAME FOR THE TOWN I LIVE IN….LIKE “STEPFORD” BUT NOT THAT OBVIOUS…PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!!! WHEN BRAINSTORMING JUST KNOW THAT ITS A TOWN FILLED WITH LUNATICS….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

What I learned in 2013….


It’s time for my annual year in review.

I am lucky to have this blog so I can go back and see what happened in my life throughout the year and see what mattered to all of you. Here is the blow by blow recap:

JANUARY 2013 – In the beginning of 2013 we started preparing for Michael’s first holy communion and I was met with the ugly truth behind the Catholic church’s planning for date selection. I almost got killed during the “Sign-up for Communion date” meeting – but I got the date I wanted so it worked out….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

2 – In February, just when I was starting to doubt Jesus and his almighty powers, I was saved and all was made right in the universe when Kim Kardashian was impregnated by Kanye West.

I still find it shocking that Kim wants to be wrapped up with this narcissistic asshole but I guess she will eventually figure this out the hard way…..

I wrote her a very special letter to warn her about what she could expect…

mySuperLamePic_bada7bdbc1c0a2cf6116ec3512fdbec7

3 – In February we were met with yet another Northeast weather disaster.  This particular catastrophe was a BLIZZARD!  Per usual people lost their fucking marbles while they attempted to prepare for 3 FEET of SNOW!!!

By the time I got to the local grocery store this was what the banana stand was like …just so you can see how insane people behave during inclement weather…..

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

4 - In March, everyone was all abuzz about the book “Leaning In” which detailed how women of today could totally focus on their career and succeed!! I found that I was much better at “leaning out.”

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This was the last time I “leaned in” for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

5 – In April we went to Disney World.  Boy, was I in for a real education on American behaviors.  I relayed my astonishment regarding the HUGE BEVERAGES that were served in Disney World and the HUGE HUMAN BEINGS that were zipping around on carts.

Some of you got pissed about that…..

Sorry! I just report as I see it fat people!

mickeyfam

Look how this guy balances his massive soda with a broken hand!! These injured people are so determined!!!

6 – In May, we finally had Michael’s communion after much hard work. (see above)

It went well except for when I lost all of my photos to document my good holy works, thank Jesus I still had my pic of the holy cross made out of pepperoni…

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn't secure my place in heaven then I give up....

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn’t secure my place in heaven then I give up….

7 – As the summer approached I may or may not have bumped up my drinking and bumped down my parenting…

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own...it's called building independance in children....They will thank me one day.

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own…it’s called building independence in children….They will thank me one day.

8 – Toward the end of the summer, we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I once again noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

This blog went VIRAL!! It was my hit of the year – and I know it’s because we all feel the same angst about lunch making in America.

Really?? It's not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a "kind person" I would kill her.

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

9 – In the fall one of my good friends had a baby.  I went to visit her and noticed that sometimes new mothers go a little crazy when it comes to first baby nursery decor.  Many of you were VERY ANGRY about my commentary…but many of you were VERY LAUGHING at how fucking stupid it all is….This is why I LOVE MY READERS!!!

Please note the newborn size tiara's on the shelf...I believe that tiara was placed on the baby's head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess....

Please note the newborn size tiara’s on the shelf…I believe that tiara was placed on the baby’s head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess….

10- Finally in December, while I juggled all that I had to do I realized that this ELF ON THE SHELF was really putting things over the edge for me.  I wrote an open letter to the clever Elf creators…..

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

Everyone loved this…This was my number 2 post of the year!!( only second to Pottery Barn lunch post.) What does that tell me??

That mothers in America are tired!!  We don’t have time for stupid bullshit like daisy sandwiches and Elf games!! We are smart, busy people that value our time and energy!!!

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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A Candy Brush Saga


Now that Halloween is the new Christmas, it is taking us awhile to switch gears to Thanksgiving.

When I was young, Halloween consisted of one Charlie Brown “special,” and a night of trick or treating with a pillowcase.

Not anymore!!

My kids went to Halloween parties, we hosted one, we went trick-or-treating in the center of town, they got candy at soccer practice, and from parties, and they wore their costumes so much that by Halloween they were completely trashed and they were sick of them.

Halloween morning they said they needed new costumes. At that point I laughed hysterically in their faces took out a staple gun and stapled both costumes onto their bodies like we were in an episode of Project Runway  and sent them to school.

By Halloween night, we had several bowls filled with candy. We are fat disgusting people who have incorporated the Kit Kat into our daily diet. I have taken three lunch bags filled with candy to work and the kids (and I) have been eating candy everyday for ten days.

Tonight this is what we have left:

candyIt’s never-ending…..

I wouldn’t really mind having it around but I personally can’t be trusted.  Also I am knowingly neglectful about the kids dental hygiene – so I believe it is most likely problematic to allow them to eat candy everyday for months and months on end.

I know you are shocked to hear me say this about the dental hygiene so let me explain.  When Michael was very young, around 2 years old,  he decided he wanted to brush his teeth without my assistance.

He was a wild maniac since he was born – so if I could get through a day and make it all the way to teeth brushing time in the evening and not end up in the mental institution, I would consider myself a great mom.

If at this point in the day I had to wrestle him to the ground to brush his molars, most of the time I didn’t have it in me.  I just let him do whatever he wanted with his toothbrush, dropkicked him into his bed and ran for my life downstairs into the peace and quiet.

Oh you are brushing your eyelashes with it? That counts...Good night!!!

Oh you are brushing your eyelashes with it? That counts…Good night!!!

The same routine followed for Sam.  When they were little we would go to the dentist and they would tell the dental hygienist how they brushed their teeth “all by themselves” and I would smile and say in my fake good mom voice “and mommy helps too!!”  The dentist would remind me how important it was for me to play a part in the teethbrushing time, and he would show me the proper way to brush their teeth and gums in circular motions.

I would say – “Oh yes – I will help them every night!” with a knowing smile.  But it was a lie. I helped them each maybe once in their whole lives.

I mean what the fuck??

I am TIRED!!

Do I really have to do everything for these goddamn children??

My mother never brushed my teeth!! NEVER!!

Why would she?

She was busy downstairs watching Knots Landing or Dallas and she would say “Go upstairs and brush your teeth and go to bed.” and my brother and I would do that and guess how many cavities I have?

ZERO!!

Isn’t it enough that the dentists have this stupid fucking chart that basically says if the kids drink anything besides water their whole mouth will burst into flames of plaque and gingivitis?!

Oh yes - celery, nuts and water! That's all the Gaga's eat!!  Now where on the tooth chart does wine and Kit Kats fall??

Oh yes – celery, nuts and water! That’s all the Gaga’s eat!! Now where on the tooth chart do wine and Kit Kats fall??

Oh yeah – remember when the worst, most healthy, most disgusting snack your mother could ever give you would be Juicy Juice and raisins?

Yeah those are both on the “your teeth are going to burst into flames” side of the chart.

I’m sorry but these dentists are just taking things too far these days.

Now back to the teeth brushing…..

So now that the kids are older I have to remind them to do a good job of brushing, but I really don’t do that much either because I just don’t really care….

Even Mr. Gaga is more on top of the teeth situation than me – and I chalk it up to the fact that I have had perfect teeth so this fear of cavities is just not on my radar.

Last week we went to the dentist.  Because the kids are now 6 and 8 I knew that we would be in deep trouble if anyone caught wind that they weren’t doing proper brushing.

I could totally lie forever and tell everyone that I was helping the kids do their brushing – but NO!! The dentist insists on using this pink plaque detecting system.  They brush this pink stuff all over the kids’ teeth and it shows all the areas that the child missed with his toothbrush.

Before the appointment I warned the kids.

As I drove to the appointment, I peered at them in the rear-view mirror and explained that when we got to the dentist’s office they needed to do the best brushing of their life.

“I am telling you right now – we are all going to be in a lot of trouble if they put that pink stuff on your teeth and it shows that you missed spots.  You guys are too old for that….Just brush every inch of those teeth.”

“Ok Mom.”

They seemed to understand.

When we got there – I watched them each intently as they brushed their teeth.  They seemed to be doing a good job (but then again I don’t know what I am talking about.)

I sat back after they both rinsed and spit, waiting for the dental hygienists to put the pink stuff on their teeth. I felt confident that we would beat the system – nobody would know that I was a negligent mother.

“Um…Mrs. Gaga….” the first hygienist sent Michael over to me to show me his teeth.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Needless to say – I had to got through the whole thing of pretending to be shocked by the fact that neither child knows how to brush their teeth – and needless to say I still don’t help them brush and needless to say we eat milk duds and sour patch kids daily, so this is not going to end well for anyone.

I just need to get rid of this candy.

My mother had a great idea.

“Well I think it would be nice if the children donated their candy to the food pantry!” she exclaimed.

“Um no.”

“Why not? Don’t you think poor people deserve to have candy too?” she asked indignantly.

“Um – ok yes they do – but they need nutritious good food – I don’t think the food pantry hands out Milky Ways. That’s a horrible idea.”

soupkitchen

After I explained to her that the Snickers commercials were “false advertising” and that they really don’t supply any nutrients, she said “Fine do what you want.” Which led me back to eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like it was my job.

So that’s where I am at.  I found some recipes on Pinterest where we can incorporate candy into baked goods - but that really seems to be defeating the purpose.

mway cookie

It just doesn’t seem right to throw like 20 pounds of candy into the garbage…..

Tell me what you all do with all of this candy!!!!

THANKS I REALLY WANT TO HEAR SOME IDEAS PLEASE IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! AND PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW I AM SLIPPING OUT OF THE TOP FIVE FUNNIEST MOMS IN AMERICA WHICH IS FUCKING BULLSHIT…..

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Final sign that childhood is dead, Mothers take over recess….


The first time I had an inkling that modern-day parenting had gone haywire was when I took my son to a playground for the first time.

I distinctly remember like it was yesterday my toddler making his way up and around the playground apparatus. I raced around on the ground around the jungle gym trying to anticipate his next move so that I could be there to catch him if he fell or hurdled his body off in the wrong direction. I was exhausted, running circles around this thing trying to avoid his untimely death.

After about ten minutes, I thought “This is really tiring – how do people do this?”

I looked around and noticed that there were several mothers actually on the playground with their kids.

I was the only mom on the ground.

Huge women were plunging through tunnels, going down the slide and talking into the speaker piece on ground level, requesting cheeseburgers and coffees from their child on the other side.

This mom was having WAY too much fun.....

This mom was having WAY too much fun…..

I held my toddler and stared at these women with my mouth open in shock and awe. Not one child was playing with another child, every child had a huge adult counterpart to play with. It was as though I was living a creepy Alice in Wonderland type nightmare. It was insane.

I think this mom crushed her child to death on the way down....

I think this mom crushed her child to death on the way down….

I spent many years at said playground.

You too Jennifer Garner?? Really??

You too Jennifer Garner?? Really??

If you take notice you will find at playgrounds all across America, there are inevitably mothers on the equipment posing as playmates for their young children.

I have been guilty of it myself.  When the kids would ask me to play with them – I have been known to order a dirty martini over the microphone or take a couple swings on a tire swing.

But as my children are older, I have come to realize that this playground play is exactly where the trouble starts.  We are setting these kids up for disaster by not letting them learn to PLAY ALONE!!!

These poor kids didn't have a mom to play with so they didn't know what to say or do.  They just quietly pretended they were taking showers.....

These poor neglected kids didn’t have a mom to play with so they didn’t know what to say into the microphone.  With nobody ordering lattes on the other end – they didn’t know what to do so they just quietly pretended they were taking showers…..

My third grader has had some recent difficulty navigating the social scene during recess.

He sits at an assigned seat at lunch at his institutionalized lunch table eating prison food (if he buys) and then he files out the door (like a prisoner) to recess. Here he searches for kids who he knows from lunch or class to play with.

However, it seems that “play” doesn’t come easily for a generation of kids used to ordering french fries from their mother on the playground for 5 years.

While some kids play games or sports, he tells me about the group of kids that are cub scouts that go off and talk about their “secret Cub Scout stuff.”  It seems that kids seem to pair off with specific agendas and cannot be swayed to do something else or play with someone else.

My son was friends with these kids in kindergarten that ended up being in a  weird cub scout cult in 3rd grade and he is not now, nor will ever be a cub scout.

As you can imagine Mr. Gaga is not about to wear some weird pinned shirt with “nut hugger shorts” so Cub Scouts is not part of the acceptable Gaga activity list.

This leaves Michael at a loss of what to do during recess, as the “supercool cub scout kids” won’t let him play with them because they are busy talking about secret “cub scout stuff.”

Initially he thought that he should join the cub scouts and that would solve his problems – but we quickly put the kibosh on that…

If this is what it takes to have friends at recess - then sadly he will playing alone for the rest of his life....

If this is what it takes to have friends at recess – then sadly Michael will playing alone for the rest of his life….

“I don’t know – maybe it will be fine, I mean what did you do during recess in 3rd grade?” I asked Mr. Gaga.
“I don’t know – played kickball…” he answered. “What did you do?”

“Well…..I don’t remember……I remember one time we were at recess and this girl who had like 6 older brothers and sisters told us there was no such thing as Santa Claus and then one time a kid was swinging and he jumped off the swing in the air and broke his arm, and I also I remember that there was a clear glue that was oozing out of the bricks on the school building – and we used to pretend it was gum. We would run up to the wall and say “Oh…it’s gum!” and run away.”

He stared at me with disgust. “Well, I think it’s safe to say where he gets his recess troubles…”

He could be right.

We have helped guide him with ideas and suggested other kids to play with.  It is sad to imagine him drifting alone on the playground, I desperately want him to be happy during the mere 20 minutes of freedom that he has during his long days as a prisoner of “core curriculum training.”

While I have not been happy about his recess struggles, I chalk it up to being a fact of life, and something that he has to figure out.

While Mr. Gaga and I are able to rationally sit down and discuss things and get to the root of our troubles (my poor recess skills as a child and our mutual disdain for the cubscouts) – the rest of this town can’t seem to get it together.( What else is new?)

You remember how I live in a town filled with people who don’t cut their children’s hair, who throw out their dining room sets to make room for play, and tell their two-year-olds that Santa doesn’t exist?

It seems Michael is not the only child having social difficulty during recess.

In the latest act of helicopter parenting - parents have complained about recess enough that the principal of an elementary school in town has sent out a request for parent volunteers for recess.

You heard correctly.

Parent volunteers will be on hand during recess everyday – to guide children at play and help them decide who and what to play with.

I can’t believe that parents have once again decided to interfere and become involved with yet another arena that has nothing to do with them to protect their children.

No matter what troubles Michael might be having – the last thing I want is some bored stupid twat mother telling him what to do!!!

At what point will this generation of children be allowed to play or interact on their own? Isn’t enough that you went down the slide with them until they were 8 years old? Will anyone ever cut the cord??

I'll never let little Hunter swing alone....Never!

I’ll never let little Hunter swing alone….Never!

It is shocking and disappointing to think that one day this new policy might be in place at my children’s school as well.

Although it disgusts me and I find it beyond offensive to imagine children being herded into groups and told who to play with by some bored housewife….

I will have no choice but to volunteer to be sure that I am getting a chance to “help my kids play.”

Let’s hope that this policy doesn’t become the norm.

Believe me when I tell you….the last thing any of you want is for me to be a parent volunteer at your kid’s recess….

Go back over there and kick every single kid in the balls and tell them their mothers are fat whores....

They said you couldn’t play with them? Go back over there and kick every single kid in the balls and tell them their mothers are fat whores….

JUST WHEN I THINK I MIGHT RUN OUT OF MATERIAL THE PARENTS OF TODAY SAVE THE DAY!! PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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BAD MOTHER


Time to get back into the swing of things.

And by “back,” I mean the kids went to school for two days and then we skipped Friday to take a long weekend at the beach.

I mean how much school can someone take in August?

Anyways – I was a bit concerned that all of the sun and laid back beach time was making the kids a bit lazy. When I asked them what activities they wanted to do they didn’t seem to be interested in anything.

Now that they are 6 and 7 I feel that they should kind of have some interests outside of video games and Spongebob. I convinced one to take soccer and the other to take tennis.

That’s enough. Then Michael announced he would like to take drums, so I agreed to that. Then they both decided they would like to play flag football. Now starting this week I am going to be one of those crazed mothers driving from practice to practice everyday.

I really wanted to enjoy this last weekend of freedom. I wanted to make it a point not to even think about the fall schedule until after the weekend.

Last night, (the last night of the summer) I fed the kids some mac and cheese from the box and plopped them in front of the television. I poured myself some wine and headed out onto the deck with a few family members, determined to have a nice night.

This should do it...I just black out in no time....

This should do it…I’ll black out in no time….

Maybe that’s why when a bunch of old friends came over unexpectedly with vodka in hand, I was a little to quick to down the most delicious martinis I ever had.

We were all out on the deck, and people kept hearing the party and joining in. The more people who came the more shithoused Mr. Gaga and I became.

And then some lawyer or cop showed up with possibly the best party entertainment ever…a breathalyzer. It got passed around and it became almost a competition to see who could get the highest number.

Needless to say- Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

Needless to say, even though it was the highest one of the night, Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

It just seemed that whenever I thought I was getting a little tipsy I would blow a .12 and then everyone would boo me at the party and I would have no choice but to down another martini.

At some point well into my third or fourth martini, a girl I had met only once before asked me if I had children.

I stared at her drunkenly. “Yes…..Oh shit….I DO have children!! I totally forgot!”

I ran inside and found Michael watching tv as though it was any other night. Sam was missing. I looked at the clock.

Oh shit....

Oh shit….

I stumbled over to the microwave…

This would fall into the category of "bad parenting..."

This would fall into the category of “bad parenting…”

“That’s it!” I said with authority.”It is WAY past your bedtime young man!”

Michael looked at me and shrugged. He got up and went to bed, which is where I noticed that poor Sam was under his covers.  He had, under the duress of having no mother, taken it upon himself to go to bed.

With the kids officially out of my hair the party continued.

I served everyone shots in votive candle holders because I couldn’t find shot glasses and things got really crazy.

When we finally went to bed it was around 2.

Needless to say when the kids woke up in the morning things weren’t pretty.

 

drunk-girl

I could barely speak or function.

I looked at poor Sam and he was still in the clothes he had on the day before.

I desperately needed an egg and cheese sandwich so I drove myself to the nearest place I could find and squealed up on two wheels.

I came back with coffee for the kids and a breakfast sandwich for Mr. Gaga.

When we felt that we could mildly function after downing eight gallons of water and our greasy sandwiches, we went to the beach and were able to hold it together somewhat until the lunch picnic we were planning on going to got cancelled.

There was no way I could suddenly go from worst mother ever to great mother of the year and come up with a healthy lunch.

I gave the kids a few bucks and sent them to the ice cream truck for lunch.

After a while they came back and gave me change and said that they were full – and could they save their lunch for later and handed me what was left.

These are huge jawbreakers....apparently otherwise known as "lunch"

These are huge jawbreakers. They are large sugar balls that can break your jaw…and apparently are otherwise known as “lunch.”

I have made it through the day.  I am utterly exhausted but I eked out this blog post miraculously.

All I can say is as far as parenting goes….it’s gotta be all uphill from here.

Happy Labor Day!

Don’t judge me…..

IT’S NOT A MOST SOBER MOM CONTEST -IT’S FUNNIEST…..SO JUST CLICK ON THE DANG THING… XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Back to School Anxiety


I might be the only mother in America to say this – but I do not want school to start.
As much as I complain about the kids, they aren’t that bad really.

I mean isn’t China already way ahead of us….is it really necessary to go back to school in August??

I am fairly certain that Americans aren’t going to suddenly plunge ahead in the industrialized world simply because we go back to school before Labor Day.

All that happens is that I get a little paler earlier in the season than necessary.

I actually dread the kids going back to school.

It’s so much more than them actually not being home all day.
I don’t want to wake up early and run around like a maniac signing permission slips, searching for library books and packing snacks.

I don’t want to make sure that the children are wearing matching outfits.
I don’t want to make sure that their teeth are brushed and that their hair is combed so that they don’t look like meth addicts.
I don’t want to spend my first moments every morning surrounded by adult and child assholes at the bus stop.
I don’t want to get an email from the PTO five times a day asking me for money in a variety of different ways.
I don’t want to plan playdates.
I don’t want to help the kids with their homework. By the way… why is this my problem? I am sure the Chinese mothers aren’t doing homework.

But the number one reason why I am dreading going back to school is that I do not want to pack lunches everyday.
It seems like just yesterday it was the afternoon of the last day of school. I took both kids lunch boxes and announced, “If I pack one more fucking lunch I am going to slit my throat,” and kicked them down the stairs into the basement.
Well here we are…in two weeks I will be in the basement dusting them off and bringing them back upstairs.

I know you might be thinking….what’s the big deal?
Well let me break it down for you.

First of all, gone are the days when you could just throw some bologna in between some Wonder bread, slap an apple on top of it so it’s flat and mushy by lunchtime and send the kid on his way.

I distinctly remember two things about lunch when I was in elementary school.

I remember there were 2 girls who brought liverwurst sandwiches. I did not want to sit next to them because it smelled and made me want to throw up and also I felt bad for them, because I figured their life must be pretty bad if their mother sent them to school with that shit.

I also remember when a boy named Andrew choked on a hot dog and the gym teacher had to give him the Heimlich maneuver to save his life and the hot dog came up with an ocean of vomit and chocolate milk.

I never ate a hot dog again after that for a good 20 years.

Nowadays there is quite a bit to consider.

There are a lot of issues to deal with when considering lunchtime.
There’s the whole childhood obesity issue, there’s the cavity issue, there’s the cancer problem, the high fructose corn syrup problem, and the food allergy problem.

Let’s start with food allergy problem.

My kids do not have food allergies but have been basically told everywhere from the gym to the playground since they were born that peanuts are not allowed. As a result, my children, who eat peanut butter and fluff like it’s their job during the summer – will not take peanut butter items to school.

Other kids (who also do not have a peanut allergy and are sitting at a table free of food allergies) make fun of them and won’t sit with them if they have peanut butter in their lunch!!!!
YES!
PEANUT BUTTER IS THE NEW LIVERWURST!

Personally I think it's a bit much but in their cafeteria this sign is actually hanging up and it says in big bold letters across it, "Fuck this guy."

Personally I think it’s a bit much but in their cafeteria this sign is actually hanging up and it says in big bold letters across it, “Fuck this guy.”

Can you believe this? So out goes what was once a major staple of American lunch for about 5000 years.

Ok so then there’s the whole matter of obesity and cavities.
Remember how children used to be allowed to eat fruit roll ups, raisins, Capri Suns and fruit snacks?
That’s not allowed.  Now that elementary school children in America are the size of sumo wrestlers, only the most horrible parents that can’t read would send such items into school.

If you go to the dentist with your children you will find that these foods will basically cause the children’s teeth to rot out of their heads.

Of course it does become confusing when the dreaded peanut is on the good side.....

Of course it does become confusing when the dreaded peanut is on the good side…..

So you think “Ok, well they can have some sort of sandwich and water.”

Well there’s the matter of the nitrates in the cold cuts. Remember when a cold cut sandwich was a healthy option? Remember when we all ate bologna sandwiches our whole life?

Yeah – that’s what would now be referred to as a “nitrate surprise.”
If it was up to Sam he would have a pepperoni sandwich every single day. I have now spent the whole summer switching up different cold cuts and mixing them in with one piece of pepperoni to cut down on the red dye and carcinogens. He will eat these sandwiches if I call them “Italian combos.”

I try to get him to take other things. Sometimes he will eat cold pizza and one time Mr. Gaga sent him with a sausage and pepper sandwich.

One time when Sam was in kindergarten I sent in a grilled cheese wrapped up in foil so it would still be warm by the time he ate it.
When he got home he said that one of his friends (whose mother basically lives at the school volunteering and involving herself in everyone’s lives) looked at his sandwich and said “What kind of mother would send in a grilled cheese sandwich?”
Can you believe this bullshit?

I said “Oh! Why don’t you tell him a mother that has very limited to time to spend making lunch because she has better things to do with her life…unlike your mother, you douchebag.”
But apparently he was only 5 and had a hard time remembering all the words in that speech even though we went over it several times. He never took a grilled cheese sandwich again.
Then there’s Michael who will not eat one cold cut ever.
He flat out refuses.
He will only eat a bagel with cream cheese or Italian wedding soup.
I loyally switch back and forth between the two lunch items ALL YEAR LONG.

Sometimes I think about the two girls who ate liverwurst and worry for him.
“Does anyone every wonder why you are eating Italian wedding soup everyday?” I ask.
“Nope.”
“Do you think people think you are weird?” I ask.
“I don’t care.” he answers simply.
And he really doesn’t.
Which leads me to the final point about lunches.

Children really don’t have any shame anymore.

If my mother put one toe into my cafeteria when I was young, I first would pretend I didn’t know who she was.  If that didn’t work I would throw up or faint.

Not today’s children…They beg and plead for their mother’s to join them for lunch. Upon joining the children, parents sit at the “parent and child” lunch table and enjoy special lunchtime bonding.

I only agree to this for the children’s birthdays and am shocked to find every time I show up the parents tables are bumpin.

Is this really what our world has come to?

Doesn’t anyone have stuff to do anymore??

Would any mother before the year 2000 actually stop what they were doing to come eat lunch with their kid?

GO HOME LOSERS!!!!

GO HOME LOSERS!!!!

Please God let these last few days of summer be sunny and wonderful and please let the transition back to school be easier than expected….

I am going to sleep now to dream of a world where children eat peanut butter and jelly and don’t want to eat lunch with their mothers……

ONE GOOD THING ABOUT SCHOOL IS THAT IT GIVES ME LOTS OF MATERIAL….IN THE MEANTIME PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW!!

XO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

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