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Category Archives: annoying kids shows

News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

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This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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“Good mothers” love Spongebob Squarepants


Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…

The kids had friends over on Friday night.

I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.

“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.

“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.

Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.

His friend’s shoulders slumped.  “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”

They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys.   Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”

Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.

After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.

“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! “

He stared back at me.

“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.

“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.

” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.

“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.

“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.

But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching.  The answers were delightful.

The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.

Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :

1 – Don’t be a Follower - Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog.  If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”

2 – “Don’t litter” -One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.

“Stick up for your friends” - Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode.  “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”

It's also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren't led to believe that it's like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

It’s also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren’t led to believe that it’s like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

3 - Listen to your teacher:  “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff.  He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.

4- Never fight around babies:  “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby while Patrick is MIA....These are stories they just aren't telling over on PBS...

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby and Patrick is MIA….These are stories they just aren’t telling over on PBS…

One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.

5 - “Keep trying” -“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently.  “He never gives up.”

6 - “Dance, surf &karate” - “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.

Thanks Sponge - I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes....

Thanks Sponge – I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes….

7 - “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”

breath

**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.

8 - “Don’t curse.”  “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....

Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

9 - “Do what you love to do.” - “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”

**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.

10 – (my personal favorite lesson) - “Don’t go in tanning booths.”

“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people - You have to admit - noboby wants to party with pale, pasty losers....

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people – You have to admit – nobody wants to party with pale, pasty losers….

“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained.  “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed...Who doesn't want their kids to learn about that???

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed…Who doesn’t want their kids to learn about that???

In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014.  I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!

Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday.  After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.

“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.

My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.

The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?

They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”

YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!

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Caillou Creator responds to LGGG


Once again -  Lady Goo Goo Gaga had a great week via social media!!

Thank you to all that commented and shared my blog last week. Whether it was my commentary on absurd baby nurseries or absurd Pottery Barn lunches I appreciate all of your comments and likes!!
The beauty of blogging is that it gets your voice out there into the world – and it’s nice to hear some voices responding back to what I write.
This reminded me that I am overdue in sharing some Facebook messages that I received a few months ago.
I met a couple in town a couple of weeks ago through a mutual friend.  The couple was French and had a few older children.  They spoke with thick French accents and we were getting along famously exchanging parenting stories and experiences.
As we were talking, inevitably my blog came up.  In an effort to explain it, I said “Oh, you know I just blog about stuff that’s annoying like…Caillou.”
“What’s Caillou?” the woman inquired.
“Oh, it’s a cartoon about a boy who is actually French…the woman who created him is from Quebec.” I answered.
“And why is annoying?” she asked firmly.
“Um….well you know…he whines… he’s annoying and bratty….”
“Hmmm…well the creator must have made him a brat for the American audience…” she sniffed.  “We don’t let children behave like the Americans…”
She was dead serious and then it occurred to me, she might be right.
Maybe I was too quick to throw show creator, Helene Desputeaux, and illustrator, Michel Aubin, under the bus…maybe they thought they were making Calliou and his asshole family and cats relatable to us fat, stupid Americans. Maybe she thinks that all American parents are dumb and too lazy to change out of their enormous turtleneck sweaters.
Did you think if you just had these losers rolling around on a blanket eating sandwiches all day then we would like them? Nice try Frenchies...nice try.

Did you think if you just had these losers rolling around on a blanket eating sandwiches all day then we would like them? Nice try Frenchies…nice try.

I am more offended than ever!! These French people are constantly writing books about how much better than us they are.  They raise nice smart children and we raise bratty whiners, they are skinny and we are fat.
We get it French people!! You are better and skinnier parents than us….but Caillou is where I draw the line!!!!
Look how fucking pasty and puffy these people are!! I am sorry to disappoint you Michel but all American mothers do not have a huge muffin-top!

Look how fucking pasty and puffy these people are!! I am sorry to disappoint you Michel but all American mothers and grandmothers do not have huge muffin-tops that hang over their pants and ill-fitting headbands!  This is just rude!!

A few months ago, both the creator as well as the illustrator, reached out to me with desperate messages of redemption, after reading my post about how much I hate Caillou.
If I could remember any French I think I would be a lot better off – but I will try to interpret as best as I can.
Below is the Facebook message sent by Helene….
Hélène Desputeaux I’m the creator of caillou. L’éditeur et cinar/ cookie jar ont “adapté” mon visuel sans mon autorisation … Caillou, dans mon œuvre n’est qu’un petit bébé, pas un “mésadapté”, voire déficient de 4 ans, sans cheveux. On n’a jamais tenu compte de mon avis, mon expertise de pédagogue et de mon travail de créatrice. Alors, SVP, ne me mettez pas l’insignifiance de cette série sur le dos. Je n’y suis pour rien! Le caillou de cinar/cookie jar: the silly killer of my life and work!
If I understand correctly I think it basically says that Caillou is her “petite baby” and that she loves him.  I think that “sans cheveux” means “without a hat” – so I think that’s a reference to the fact that he has alopecia and he apparently lost his hat.I thought the “cookie jar” was some reference to us being fat again but in the end I think she is saying that “cookie jar” is the production company that “killed her life and work.”

For a split second I felt sad for her – because basically I was making fun of her creation….but then I took one more gander at the kid….
Here he is having one of his famous temper tantrums.  Ugh, I am sorry Helene for your troubles...but this kid is a huge douchebag....

Here he is having one of his famous temper tantrums. Ugh, I am sorry Helene for your troubles…but this kid is a huge douchebag….

And then this more concise message came from show illustrator, Michel Aubin:
michel aubin | July 24, 2013 at 1:40 pm | Edit

bonjour !

To children, desputeaux+aubin offers albums, like so many hugs and kisses, that portray the colourful little world of Hélène Desputeaux, the creator of Caillou. In 2006, because of never-ending legal hearings concerning her baby Caillou …and after having seen her graphic universe transformed in a multitude of reproductions, …Hélène Desputeaux set up, with Michel Aubin, her own production house…then, holding brush and pencil, Hélène Desputeaux has been creating new books with her genuine baby Caillou, her little Mella and a string of endearing characters! … in 2012 Hélène Desputeaux wait after her royalties from cinar/cookiejar/dhx and she always don’t know what they do with her graphic universe … with her Caillou … and finally she learn by canadian press that Caillou was sold again ! and so  it’s a « wagonload of Caillou license deals » … always with her graphic universe … with her Caillou  ! a wagonload of suprise !

Voilà !

merci
 au plaisir … et salutations du Québec !

M i c h e l   A u b i n 
http://www.desputeauxaubin.com


So basically – that’s confirming in fact that neither of these people are taking responsiblity for Caillou’s behavior.  Basically – it is the fault of the Americans and “Cookie Jar” productions that Caillou is a huge asshole that is bald and prone to tantrums.
In closing, I think Michel said it best when he said that
“Caillou is a wagonload of surprise.”
That’s putting it nicely.
The message here is clear.
If you want your children to grow up wearing normal clothes sans puffy turtlenecks, and you would like them to respond appropriately to disappointments in life without melting into huge temper tantrums, then avoid the Caillou program at all costs.
Thanks, don’t say I didn’t warn you…..twice!! CLICK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA
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