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Because I have publicly announced my disdain for “the Elf” people feel compelled to torture me with pictures of what their elf is doing.

This week I received two texts that included alarming pictures of what these asshole elves are doing around Goopville.






Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night....

Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night….


Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies....

Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies….


What are we doing??

Am I the only one who finds this whole practice a gross misplacement of our intelligence and cleverness?

It’s infuriating!!!

In honor of this treacherous and horrific time – a mere ten days before Christmas Eve -i am reposting my original Elf blog that parents across the land thoroughly enjoyed last year.

In case anyone is confused about my feelings about “the Elf” …..I hate your elf – and if you’re making your elf do obnoxious shit – I hate you too.




Dear Carol Aebersold and twin daughters, Christa and Chanda, (Elf on the Shelf Creators),

I am so sorry to disturb you at this time of year.

I am sure you are quite busy counting all of the multi-millions you have made on your adorable little Elf idea.   Right now this letter might find you drinking a Mai Tai in the Turks and Caicos or maybe you are doing some 5th Avenue Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your luxurious lifestyle.

While you sip champagne and shop for Louboutins the rest of us are running around like fucking assholes dousing our kitchens with flour so that the “elf can make snow angels” and pretending that our elf is on a “wrecking ball.”

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this.....

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this…..

But look at how one of my new favorite bloggers, Lil Blue Boo, took it one step further!!!!


This elf has a foam finger!!!!!

Anyways – Carol, Christa and Chanda,while I admire your tenacity and ambition, let’s face facts. Your invention is a thinly veiled attempt at “creating magic for children,” when in fact what you have actually done is create yet another guilt-inducer for mothers across America.

I have mentioned before how I sell bras part-time, and I have mentioned how I try to be like Clark Griswold and create magic at Christmas for my family.

Every day during December, I deal with angry entitled “bra customers,” then I rush home to do laundry, cook and clean.

I, along with most mothers, add to my regular tasks, baking, wrapping, Christmas shopping, Christmas movie watching, holiday decorating, visits with Santa, Christmas tree shopping and fighting with Mr. Gaga. (a true holiday tradition.)

When I finally lay my head down each night to “settle my brain for a long winter’s nap” I always start to doze off quickly. Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….




Are you happy now?

Thanks to you, we have to deal with this North Pole motherfucker from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Like everything else in modern-day motherhood, elf activities, hiding spots and inappropriate habits have become a new competition.  Mothers snap photos of their sneaky little “elves” doing silly things like banging Barbies and then quickly post on Facebook so we can all see how invested they are in providing the BEST ELF EVER!! for their little brats.

I'll admit this is good....

I’ll admit this is good….

Did you ever consider coming up with a lucrative idea that enables you to have success without throwing all mothers in America under the bus until the end of time?

You three think you are just soooo clever don’t you?

You know who’s clever?

The lady who invented the dishwasher is clever.  She helped us all have a prayer of doing something besides cleaning dishes and cutlery all day.

Bethenney Frankel is clever.  She made billions creating entertainment and alcohol with a skinny woman on the bottle to make us feel chic.

The person who invented hand sanitizer is clever.  Enabling us to go to the grocery store, gas station and Disney World without contracting SARS or the Swine Flu.

The inventor of Spanx is clever, she created a way for us to hide our muffin tops so we could leave the house feeling better about our bodies.

The list goes on and on of women who came up with great ideas and inventions that have ultimately helped women and families.

But guess who is not going on that list?


You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

You three bitches will go down in history as the assholes who made millions by creating extra work for parents during the busy holiday season.

Don’t even think about telling me that it’s a tool to help the kids to behave either.

Earlier I got a quick snapshot of the regular goings-on in the Gaga household.


Please note the kids are wrestling in front of a table that is housing a nativity scene as well as the elf…..

Nobody cares.

When the elf arrives the kids try to behave for like two days  one day  one hour 

Nobody cares.

In closing, I just want to tell you one last time that you have to live with yourselves knowing that you have caused annoyance and headaches for parents across the land.

Also, my elf has something to say….








Lady’s Favorite Things 2014

I can’t believe it’s time for this but apparently Christmas is in 2 1/2 weeks!!

So I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the local mall where we normally visit Santa had been bombarded with little brats singing “Let it Go,” due to the Frozen themed palace in place.

Someone had mentioned that our local Stew Leonard’s store had a Santa so I thought that seemed like a quick fix.

If you are not familiar with Stew Leonard’s it is a local grocery store chain that is known for fresh delicious prepared foods and also it has lots of attractions for children so they don’t torture you while you are shopping.  

For example when we are at Stop and Shop I have to squeeze my kids’ arms and discretely whisper in their ears that I am going to go home and light all of their toys on fire several times before I can get my shopping done.

At Stew's they can press the cow button and listen to this guy moo really loud, and somehow this is enough entertainment for me to shop without wanting to kill them....

At Stew’s they can press the cow button and listen to it moo really loud, and somehow this is enough entertainment for me to shop without wanting to kill them….

1 – This year the first item on my list of faves is STEW LEONARDS!

As we walked into the store I saw all of the Christmas trees and told Mr. Gaga we should just grab a tree because we would have no time to get one later in the week.  We entered into the tree area and I promptly made one of the tree workers show me every single tree in the entire lot before settling on one.

He didn’t get annoyed or snippy with me like many retail workers do at this time of year and was pleasant and delightful.  They tied the tree to our car for us and the whole encounter was quick and delightful.

I basically made him untie every single tree here and hold each one up and spin it around slowly.....

I basically made him untie every single tree here and hold each one up and spin it around slowly…..

We headed inside to find Santa.  I wasn’t expecting much since we were in the middle of a grocery store.

But as we wandered over to see him where he sat in the floral department.  I had to just stare at him.  I am not an expert but if ever you were to want to see the REAL Santa – this would be the guy.

So the kids walked right up to him because there was NO LINE!  They said “hi” and told him what they wanted…the usual drill.

But then Santa stopped and said “Well we need to talk about a few things.”  There faces were ghostly as Santa started talking about how they fight and use their hands on each other, and how their rooms were a mess, and how they listen at school but the minute they get off the bus they don’t listen anymore.  He went on and on and told them that until they started behaving a little better he was on the fence about the Xbox and the bike they were requesting.

I listened in slack-jawed.  Was this the real Santa? How did he know all of that?

The kids and I walked away in shock that we had just a real live chat with the one and only Santa. I looked for Mr. Gaga to see what he thought but I didn’t see him.

“Where’s your father?” I asked the kids.

They shrugged.

He then sauntered over casually chewing on a sausage bread sample, “Do you want me to get some guacamole?”

“No! Where were you?” I screeched. “We just had an amazing encounter with the real Santa and you’re eating samples?”

He stared at me like I was nuts. “Um..yeah – pretty much.” he answered incredulously.

While I understand the lure of a hot cider doughnut sample or a pull-apart cheesy garlic bread sample – he had just missed an amazing moment.  My anger dissipated when we passed by the lobster bisque sample area.  The creamy delicious soup made me forget to be mad at Mr. Gaga and we finished the rest of our shopping, wandering through the store collecting samples along the way.

The best part is at the end of the trip if you spend more than $100, which is inevitable, you get a free ice cream!  We get the pistachio soft serve and just talk the whole way home about how much we love it.

And today because I told Stew Leonard’s how much I LOVE them – they decided to give one of YOU! a $25 gift card!!!!!  



I have mentioned several times over the years that my hair is frizzy and a horrific burden in my life.  When our power went out for weeks during Storm Alfred I walked around looking like Gilda Radner and almost had a nervous breakdown.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started using moroccan oil…

One product that I discovered a couple of years ago has significantly changed the texture of my hair for good and it’s Moroccan Oil.

It is like no other hair serum.  Your hair will strengthen and become more manageable.  I don’t know how it happens but it’s like a miracle.  It smells delightful and your hair won’t become greasy and stringy like it might with other inferior products.

I am telling you – this product has changed my life.

The full size retails for $43 and I am offering one lucky winner a travel size bottle!!

To enter to win this please LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA,  share this post on FACEBOOK and leave me a comment with your favorite hair product or tip!



3 – Waterproof Eye makeup:

I said this last year and the year before!!!

So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the aging, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the horrible weather in Connecticut, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for volunteering at the bake sale, you are mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the school principal.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure a playdate would be great! Your house or mine?

Last year Laura Mercier invented the best eyeliner in the history of eyeliners.  It actually can be worn for days at a time without a smudge!!!  It is gel, it is waterproof and it is the best invention since the DVR.

I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Gel Liner in Violet ($20) this week and I am throwing in a Laura Mercier gift with samples including a Blush Lip Glace just because I love you…(see below for details!)

This is the one week a year I spread good cheer on this blog – Don’t worry I will be back to regular business of calling children assholes next week for sure!!!

LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA AND SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK!!! AND LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW TELLING ME YOUR ABSOLUTE MUST-HAVE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT COSMETIC!!  THIS WILL ENTER YOU TO WIN the LAURA MERCIER Violet Eyeliner that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like Marilyn Manson the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

#4 – Old Factory Christmas Candles

Are there any smells better than the smells of Christmas?  I am obsessed with filling my home with Christmas soaps, lotions, sprays, and candles.  Is there anything better than walking into your house and smelling fresh gingerbread?  What’s better than going into your bathroom and smelling hot chocolate and candy canes?

So when OLD FACTORY offered to send me their HAPPY HOLIDAYS SOY CANDLE SET I was thrilled!!

I burned the gingerbread candle and it filled my whole kitchen with the smell of joy and happiness.

I am going to give the Candy Cane and the Pine Tree candles to one of you fabulous and lucky people.








Winners will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 14th at 5 PM!

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and nobody gave me anything!!! (as usual) and I’m just telling you to use these things because I like telling people what to do.




Dear Santa,

I have done everything I am supposed to do.

Sure I occasionally call people twats and I swear at my children every morning when I wake up,  once a week,  only in the car,   occasionally….

But I am a good person and I do my duties.

I believe in myself.

I do what I am supposed to do.   I am very reliable.

I know I will without a doubt complete every task that is laid out for me or that I lay out for myself.

After hosting my annual Thanksgiving morning 5k, I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 28 people which involved a lot of cooking and figuring out how we were going to cook three turkeys.  One of said turkeys was being delivered fresh and uncooked the night before Thanksgiving by a cousin coming from New York in an ice storm.   I remained calm and collected throughout everything and everything was perfect. I told her to simply put the turkey on the next flight out of NY just to be safe…..

turkey airport

Everything was perfect.

I work in retail so immediately the next day I was in Black Friday mode and last night promptly switched into Christmas mode.

We watched a Christmas movie while stuffing envelopes with the annual Christmas photo card showcasing the handsome Gaga children.

I took the kids to get a tree.  I inspected and smelled every tree until I found the perfect one.  I took obligatory pictures of the kids with pine needles in the background.

We went to see Santa. (Not at the Frozen Palace – I have to draw the line somewhere.)

I am almost done with my Christmas shopping, an I have purchased everyone every gift they have requested or even mentioned in passing. Even for tough requests, come hell or high water, I will find every last item.

I will wrap every gift and hide it until Christmas in a perfect hiding spot or place it under the tree in a perfect formation with all color coded and monochromatic wrapping.

I will go into my recipe box and pull out the dog-eared index cards that were carefully written out by my best friend’s Italian grandmother and break my back making hundreds of Italian cookies.

I will also make sugar cookie dough and let the kids roll out and decorate cookies.

I will buy Christmas themed pajamas for my children so they will be the picture of holiday delight on Christmas morning.

I will host my annual “Cousin’s Christmas”party so that all 25 of us can celebrate together.

I will work in retail for the entire season.  When stressed and frantic women take out their angst on me I will attempt to remain calm and professional and understand that they too are just trying to do it all. When men come to the mall frantically on Christmas Eve throwing cash at me and begging for last minute help – I will pleasantly guide them to a great solution,

I will decorate the tree with my family and if Mr. Gaga fucks up the Christmas season in some fashion I will find a way to hold it together.  I will not murder him.

I will take out your little Elf and despite my disdain for him and his antics – I will hide that fucking asshole every night even though I am tired and have other shit to do…

I will attend holiday parties armed with appetizers and cookies and wine.

I will purchase egg nog even though it’s disgusting and let my kids drink it, and I will make them hot chocolate every time they are outside for an extended period of time in the cold.

I will decorate my home accordingly.  I will place candles around the house that smell like Christmas cookies and pine needles.  I will swap out my soaps for delightful soaps that smell like vanilla sugar and gingerbread men.  I will even buy room sprays that are seasonally appropriate.

Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve - I've got you covered.

Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve – I’ve got you covered.

I will bring the children to mass throughout the Christmas season,  we will say “grace” at Christmas dinner , we drive by the church a lot   on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

I will remind the children to open up a window on the Advent calendar each night (or sometimes we forget for a few days and open 7 at once.)

I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and cry at the appropriate moments.

I will remind the kids also that Christmas is a time to think about those who are less fortunate and we will buy a new unwrapped toy and place it in the Toys for Tots bin.

I will do all of this.  I know I will.  I believe in myself.

And everyone in this house knows that I will do all of this.  They believe in me too.

But I don’t want to believe in myself. I am tired Santa.

I want to believe in you.

I am hoping and praying for your magic to happen for me this year.

I am wishing for a few things that I know you can make happen…..

I believe in you Santa.

So that being said…..

I want a driver.  He doesn’t have to be fancy in a fancy driver outfit and he doesn’t have to even drive a town car or limo.  I just want to wake up Christmas morning and know that someone else will be driving these children to where they need to go and also I need him to drive me to work ….oh and occasionally go to get milk.

If this guy knows how to get around Goopville - he's hired.

If this guy knows how to get around Goopville – he’s hired.

Santa, I would also like a huge closet filled with clothes and shoes.

I don’t want to shop for them.  I don’t even really care what they are.

I just want to get ready to go somewhere and look into my closet and not say “I have nothing to wear.”


Something like this would be good – but without all that pink shit – just all black clothing will do.

I would like a whole new face and body.  I don’t want to have to actually have a tummy tuck, boob job and face lift though….

I just want to wake up without puffs and wrinkles and tits that hang down to my socks.

I also would like my hair to remain brown without dying it constantly and in between dye jobs sweeping it with mascara as a quick fix.

I don't want to look crazy....But this would be good.  Thank you Santa.

I don’t want to look crazy….But this would be good. Also I would like to drink gallons of wine and lots of Christmas cookies with no repercussions.  Thank you Santa.

I wanted to ask for one more thing but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I asked Mr. Gaga – “I am writing a list to Santa – what should I ask for.”

Without skipping a beat he stared at me and said “I don’t know….a sexual drive?”

So I guess I will throw that in there for poor Mr. Gaga – but there I go again – doing things for other people Santa!

Anyways – I love you and believe in you…

Don’t let me down.

Yours truly,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga



Everyone is blogging about what they are thankful for…This is my post from last year about what I am NOT thankful for…

I drove by two men riding their bikes in the middle of the road as though they were driving Range Rovers instead of ten-speed bikes today.  Whenever this happens I honk my horn and give them a finger while loudly screaming out the window “YOU ARE NOT A CAR!!! STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A FUCKING CAR!!”

If it's girls on the bikes I yell "Get out of my way you fucking whores!!" But only if the kids aren't with me.

If it’s girls on the bikes I yell “Get out of my way you fucking whores!!” But only if the kids aren’t with me.

After that – it got me thinking…I think it’s high time someone blogged about what they are NOT thankful for…and who better to do it than Lady Goo Goo Gaga?


1 – See above about the people on the bikes…

2 -People that announce what they are thankful for: 

To me these people belong in the same category as the “blessed” people.  We know you are thankful and blessed.  We know that you have a great life..a great hubby…your cat is super awesome, you’re super awesome and your kids are on the honor roll, are black belts in karate and speak Japanese….

We don’t care.  Keep your blessings and thankfulness to yourself.

3 – People who live in the Northeast yet continually feel compelled to discuss the weather:

Ok, here’s the deal, if you live in Connecticut or anywhere in the Northeast portion of the country – I am fairly certain this isn’t your first rodeo.  You know that after Halloween things are pretty much all downhill in the weather department.

You also knowingly have made an educated choice to live here for some reason.  You received information at some point in your life about the four seasons, you have seen weathermen with yardsticks measuring several feet of snow and for some unthinkable reason at some point in your life you said to yourself, “I think I am going to reside in Connecticut!!”

So after all of that, please explain to me why on earth you insist on waking up everyday, putting on a puff jacket, and a hat and gloves and to every human being you see, you exclaim “Can you believe how cold it is? I can’t believe it!!!”

Why can’t you believe it?  Why not? You knew this would happen….you knew!!!  Please don’t wake up everyday from October to May and pretend you are shocked and surprised about what’s happening.

 4- People who read and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey:

I might be beating a dead “anal bead” with this one but I just cannot get over it.  Just the other day someone mentioned it and said she was thinking about reading it and I got angry all over again.  I just am not thankful for this book or for the author.  She has done women and readers across the land a huge disservice.

5 – People who can’t drive when the sun is setting:

I drive a lot for work.  I value my time and am usually already pretty annoyed that I am spending a lot of time on the road.  There are inevitably accidents, construction and other disturbances that can cause traffic jams.

Often there will be a huge backup of cars and my commute will be extended by 45 minutes to an hour.  I will honk my horn and curse and smash my head on the steering wheel…sometimes I cry.

When this happens, it only makes it so much worse to find out that it is all because the sun is setting.


Did you ever hear the phrase “Driving off into the sunset?”  Ok it’s a phrase that we are familiar with because PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! THEY DRIVE INTO the SUNSET.

Oh and do you know above your head there’s a little flap that you can fold down?



I cannot even begin to tell you how furious I become when this happens….not thankful for people who don’t have sunglasses…..not thankful at all.

6 – Moustaches:

I know that recently some clever person has fooled us all into thinking that moustaches are cool and trendy, but let’s be real. Nothing good has ever come from having a moustache.

Trust me as someone who has one…they are not fun or cute.  They are not trendy or clever or cool.

They are nothing but a nuisance.  To top things off it’s MOVEMBER – so Mr. Gaga is sporting a pretty nasty looking stache’ to raise money for prostate cancer and it’s just gross.  Who could argue the case to say that moustaches are cool??

This morning there were actual eggs stuck in Mr. Gaga’s moustache….I think that’s all that really needs to be said.



I mean how did this even start??

And for the love of God ….when will it end?


7 – The Kardashians

It’s enough.  I was all for watching their reality show 18 years ago when it all started….

Enough is enough.

Now we have to be subjected to looking at Kim and her huge ass trotting around with Kanye West every two seconds, Khloe chasing around Lamar in various crystal meth dens in L.A. and (in the latest instance of Kris Jenner selling her child down the river) little Kendall Jenner showing her boobs on Instagram.


These people give me the kreeps!!!

When will this kalamity kome to a klose?

8 – Santa Ruiners:

This time of year we have to be on our toes.  There are many people in town who seem determined to scream from the rooftops that there is no Santa.

Of course there was the infamous woman in my mom’s group many years ago that wanted to inform her two- year-old that Santa didn’t exist.

And then there’s just dumb kids whose parents don’t instruct them to not talk about Santa inappropriately at school.

Then there’s dumb kids that literally just don’t know any better.

My son recently gave a pencil to each kid in his class because we had about 500 pencils in the kitchen drawer(remind me to blog about pencils another day by the way.)

He came home and told me that a little girl came up to him and held her pencil out with disgust.  She apparently didn’t like the pencil because she wasn’t familiar with the cartoon character on it.

“Who’s this?” she asked with disgust.



I get it…you don’t celebrate Christmas but really?? You don’t know who this guy is?

Have you entered a mall of any kind between November to January?

Have you watched the Macy’s Day Parade or Home Alone?

Do you see people with white beards and red hats everywhere??

What do you mean “Who’s this?”

9 – Stores that are open on Thanksgiving:

What has this world come to?

The American tradition is to eat as much food as is humanly possible.  When you are about to burst, take a nap.

Wake up from your nap.

Eat more.

Eat dessert…..for the second time that day.

Go back to bed.

Wake up early in the morning.  Drive to nearest Best Buy, Walmart or Target.  Trample as many human beings as it takes to get to the largest, widest screen television you can find.  Purchase said television along with some toys, an Ipad, an Ipod, a kindle and an XBox.

Go home, eat leftovers and take a nap.

I’m sorry – I just don’t know why we would mess with a perfectly good system.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday...I don't see why we need to change anything.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday…I don’t see why we need to change anything.

10 – People who write me hate mail:

Especially those of you who are going to send me messages and comments this week about what a horrible person I am and how I should be thankful and happy and blessed and blah blah blah.

I’m thankful for many things….it’s just that….

That’s not funny.


Stuff I’m thankful for….the FROZEN edition.

Thanksgiving week is a time that we start to shit our pants because Christmas will be here in about 3 1/2 weeks and we have to spend all of our money on random people   appear festive at work parties   set the elf on fire    shop.

It is also a time that we all start to think about what we are thankful for.  It’s a great time to reflect on our year, our friends and family.

There’s a LOT that I am thankful for.

But this year more than ever there are few things that are the top of the list of “What I am Thankful For,” and it’s mostly to do with the fact that I have two little boys.

I love them because they are my children.

But I also especially love them because they are boys.


There I said it.

I am thankful I don’t have girls.

#1 – I am thankful that I have boys instead of girls because they love me more than a girl would….

Boys just love their mother.  I wake up many mornings and stumble into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and am very alarmed by what I see.

Most mornings I look in the mirror and say “Holy fucking shit – I look old.”

I actually used to be hot....

I actually used to be hot….


I stumble downstairs to make breakfasts and lunches and scream at my kids to brush their teeth.

And without fail…

No matter how puffy and wrinkled and hideous I am …

They tell me they love me and they tell my I’m the most beautiful woman in the world….

Girls would never do that.

I know.

I am one.

#2 I am thankful to have boys because they don’t speak.

They are fucking loud.

Don’t get it twisted.

The noise in the Gaga household is deafening.

My house is trashed.

Anything I care about has to be locked away for fear of destruction.

They destroy everything I own.

Cars…. furniture….. clothes…… my soul.

They never shut the fuck up.

But even though they are making a lot of NOISE.

They actually aren’t SAYING anything.

It’s all just drums, farts and yells.

If I ask them how their day was they say. “Fine.”

If I try to engage in any sort of actual conversation they get very hostile….



But the other side of that coin is that I don’t really have to listen to them “chat.”

Girls “chat.”

Girls whine.

Girls talk shit about their friends.

Girls cry.

Girls get their feelings hurt and want to talk about it.

I am just so happy to be the only girl in the house to chat, whine and talk shit about people.  I just basically drink wine and talk into the air because nobody here is listening or engaging in any conversation with me.

And that works.

So the moral to that story is….I drink a lot of wine by myself….



Then I feel fat and guilty and drunk.

I can then actually announce to my household, “I am fat, guilty and drunk!” and nobody cares!!

Because they are watching football and playing video games and ignoring me!!

That’s how we roll.

#3 I am thankful to have two boys, because they aren’t girls who want to live and breathe FROZEN!!!

If I had to deal with little girls that want to play dress up every two seconds and all of this Frozen bullshit ….I would slit my throat.

But it’s actually such a cute movie! You should watch it!” (say millions of moms of girls.)

Fuck you.

I don’t care and I am not watching it.


I step on LEGOS every two seconds and you get to hear “Let it Go” every two seconds.

That’s how it works.

My local mall had the great idea to do something extra special this year for Santa visitors.

As you wait for Santa you get to travel through a FROZEN themed wonderland!!

I cannot imagine a worse nightmare.....

I cannot imagine a worse nightmare…..

As a result of this marketing miracle …the line for Santa as soon as November 9th was 3 1/2 to 4 hours!!!  Actual human adults stand in line for that amount of time!!!   With their little honeybooboo  lookalikes  princesses dressed up like Elsa!!

Because their little princesses need to experience the magic of Frozen!!

Also, apparently it is very important that little wanna-be princesses dress like their idols.

While I usually just let my children wear costumes to trick or treat at Halloween – apparently in today’s world if you have a little girl -it is perfectly acceptable to let her wear this out in public…



Also we live in the Northeast – and although we don’t live in the icy world of Elsa – it does get pretty cold around here…

So obviously these little snow brats     need to wear a hat.



Even though I do have boys – I also have a niece.  So I am not completely free from the Frozen nightmare….

Even I have succumbed to this icy hell on earth.

Even I have made a frantic early morning trip to Target to secure this…

This is so your little princess can be sure she's more beautiful than any of the other preschool princesses...

This is so your little princess can be sure she’s more beautiful than any of the other preschool princesses…

However in typical Disney style – when you look in the mirror you don’t actually see your own reflection.

Oh no, Disney would never allow a little girl to actually see her own face!!

The horror!

When a little girl is lucky enough to have the “Frozen Vanity” she will look in the mirror and have the joy of seeing Elsa and Anna singing to her!!

What the fuck is going to happen to all of these little girls?

What will happen when they ever grow up and look in the mirror and see their own plain old wrinkled ass self with no tiara?

What will happen when they realize that they are just mediocre?  That the chances of ever really becoming a princess are very slim and would require moving to Jordan or Nigeria?

They will probably drink their wine alone…and talk to themselves…and be super depressed….




This life is nothing like Elsa’s……



But none of that is my problem….

And for that…I am thankful.



Report cards (vague cards without reports)

When I was in fourth grade, I received my first bad grade.  It was on a science test that I was completely unprepared for and my grade was a 52 % or a “U” which stood for “unsatisfactory.”

Being a shining star that always got perfect grades without even trying, I almost fainted and shit my pants when I saw that letter “U.”  I couldn’t think straight for the remainder of the class and finally, doubled over I told the teacher that I had to go to the nurse because I had a horrible stomach-ache.

My mother picked me up from the nurse’s office after the teacher told her of my “illness,” and we had a chat about preparedness.

Obviously, being a genius, I never received a “U” again until my freshman year of college.

Today, none of that would have ever happened.  Children in Goopville never receive a grade let alone a percentage!

In September, Michael entered the fourth grade.  Soon thereafter he came home with a math paper that documented how many answers he got correct on a math quiz.


The first time even though I was highly alarmed, I didn’t go to crazy but inquired about why he had done so poorly.

The second time I almost fainted.


” Oh my God! Michael! – What did your teacher say about this?” I demanded as I pulled the paper from his folder.

“I don’t know…nothing.” he shrugged as he searched for a snack.

“Oh my God! This is very bad!” I yelled.  He looked at me nervously shrugging.

I pointed to the horrific score.  “In the real world – this is what is commonly referred to as “failing.” I said gravely.  “And you are bombing out of fourth grade…You’re failing!”

I had to warn Mr. Gaga about this problem before conference week.

“We have a problem,” I warned him as we got into bed.

“What?” he asked dismissively.

“I think Michael is like not good at math or something and now he’s failing fourth grade.” I explained.

“What do you mean?” Mr. Gaga demanded and when I explained about his series of bad grades he was also concerned about the apparent failing of fourth grade that Michael was experiencing.

Normally I would attend parent-teacher conferences alone, but history has proven that I have a hard time hiding my disdain for anything that the teacher is doing that I don’t approve of.  I asked Mr. Gaga to come to the conference to be sure that we communicate properly with the teacher.  Since the common core has come to be –  I often have no fucking clue what anyone’s talking about.…plus I have “bitchy resting face” as a rule and when the teacher shows me a report card that’s filled with smiley faces or meaningless codes, I usually cannot control my facial expressions.




When we arrived at Michael’s conference I addressed my concerns about his failing math grades.

“Oh no!!” the teacher replied cheerfully.  “Michael is right where he should be!”

“But if he’s only getting 39 percent or 54 percent correct, in my world that’s not where anyone should be….” I retorted.

“Oh no, that’s not what it means.” she replied cheerfully, and went on to try to explain to me how getting 39 out of 100 is not an “F.”


But it clearly is….right?

I mean just to be clear….If a person gets 39 answers correct out of 100 am I correct in thinking that this person is not doing well?

If a teacher thinks that getting 39 percent correct is okay – shouldn’t I be alarmed?

Has the common core made everyone stupid? Do the teachers think that failing is ok?

What’s happening?

Is this what happens in China?

She started droning on about the common core and the standardized tests and the timing of the answers and how to go about figuring out multiplication and carrying numbers and tens places and I totally almost blacked out…and finally she was all “so Michael is a math wizard!”

If only I could say what I wanted to say…..




But instead I just smiled and stared at her and said “Ok- great!”

Because I actually didn’t even know what to say anymore.

We went on to discuss the “report card” which in “common core world” is a series of meaningless codes to make the teacher and school look as though they are doing a great job.

In order to show progress they put the letter “P” next to each heading on the report card which stands for “progressing.”  If they put the letter “M” for “mastered” in November then it would look as though they weren’t teaching anybody anything.

I chuckled as I looked through the list of “P’s.”  They were totally inaccurate.

Many line items Michael had “mastered” in first grade – but by this teacher’s standards he was still “progressing.”

For example, Michael who stays up every single night reading for approximately 1-2 hours a night long chapter books such as Harry Potter and Lord of the Flies, received a “P” for “Reads and Comprehends a Range of Texts.”


So the gist of the conference was that even though I thought that he was failing math – he was in fact “right where he should be” and he still needs to work on his reading.

Then my eyes hit the one area that seemed to need improvement.

Next to the line item that said “Exhibits self control” there was a skull and crossbones 

small print that said “I hate you.” 

a number “3” which signifies that improvement is needed.

“Um…what does this mean?” I asked pointing to the scandalous mark.

“Well Michael is very aggressive.” the teacher said gravely.

“Oh my God! Is he bullying people? Is he beating people up?” I inquired nervously.

“Oh no…he is perfectly respectful and polite in class.  He is very pleasant and cooperative with his classmates and the teachers….” she said calmly.

I exhaled a little, waiting for the punch line.

“But at recess….he likes to play soccer and he’s very, very aggressive.  He wants to win at all costs!” she said seriously.  “He gets very physical and will do anything to win!” she announced gravely.



I just stared at her blankly thinking about what possible reaction she was waiting for.

“So…he wants to win the soccer game that he’s playing in?” he asked calmly.

“Yes, but at any cost…he gets very physical….” she said expectantly.

“Um….we encourage winning.” I said neutrally.

I tried to pretend that I cared.


I am totally going to speak to him about this!


She kept droning on about the importance of safety at recess.  She mentioned how sometimes Michael would be trying to get the soccer ball and someone would fall and that person’s head would be right near the soccer ball! and Michael would kick the ball anyways!! Right next to someone’s head!!




I am not quite sure if Michael is smart or a huge idiot or a kind child or a violent monster.

I guess I will have to find out on my own since no teacher is ever able to relay this information to me.

Once again I have lost an hour that I will never get back.




Birthday Elf Boycott

The other day I was just minding my own business helping my kids pick out books at Barnes and Noble.

As they perused the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and some Star Wars Origami books – I looked longingly at the picture book section.   Now that they are both great readers the days of cuddling and reading a stack of picture books to them are far and few between.

Beautiful hardcover books lined the shelves, I gazed wistfully at Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and The Little Engine that Could, and thought it seemed like just yesterday that we were reading those books.  I looked at the top of the wall where the newer selections were and realized there were a bunch of books that I didn’t even recognize.

And then.

I saw something that made my stomach clench.

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and squeezed them shut and then opened them again -to be sure I was seeing properly.

You motherfuckers.

You greedy motherfuckers.

So a couple of years ago a mother and daughter team,Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, came up with this great idea to market the ELF ON THE SHELF at Christmas time.  As a result, they have made millions from this idea while we all run around like fucking assholes hiding a doll in our flour and in our shaving cream.

But now!! These gluttonous bitches have decided that we should also have an elf visit when it’s our child’s birthday.

You don’t actually buy a new elf.  You buy this book (to the tune of $19.99.)  The description reads, “The Elf on the Shelf: A Birthday Tradition tells the little-known story of the North Pole birthday tradition.

Do you know why it’s a “little-known story?” Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell?

Because you made it up.

If you purchase this moronic book you can read about how your Christmas elf can pay you a visit to wish you “Happy birthday.”

No.  I don't want you to come, you dick.  Stay home and like make toys or something....

No. I don’t want you to come, you dick. Stay home and like make toys or something….

Apparently with the book you get an outfit for the elf as he is wearing a cone hat and a cupcake when he arrives.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and stay the hell out of here until December.

So it’s not enough that these bitches have single-handedly ruined the joys of preparing for Christmas.  It’s not enough that we have to wake up in a cold sweat night after December night – realizing that we forgot to hide the dumb elf.

We have played your reindeer games and you have made a fortune off of us.  You dangled that little carrot and said “Buy this elf at Christmas and watch the joy and magic that your children will enjoy!” And because we are a generation of parents that will do anything – ANYTHING to make these brats happy – we played along.

But that’s not enough for you money hungry twats.

Now they want to ruin birthdays too!!  You want a piece of the action on birthdays now?

Haha! We are rich and you are poor!! Have fun hiding that doll you imbeciles!!

Here are the authors at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I think they are saying  “Haha! We are very rich and you are very poor and stupid. Have fun hiding that doll every night for the next month you imbeciles! “

I hope to God that nobody is buying this birthday book.

I hope to God that at some point that we will all come to our senses and say “enough is enough.”

We do too much for these kids as it is for birthdays, and I include myself in the category of excessive over-the-top birthday parties fueled by Pinterest overload.

We have to stop this overindulgence.

December is just around the corner.

One month is enough for this messy, annoying, pole-dancing, flour-angel making, lazy piece of shit.

Please join me in boycotting the “Birthday Elf.”



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