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Hershey Smershey


Well this week I decided to take the kids away for a couple of days with my friend, Jane and her children.

I have always heard great things about Hershey Park and I thought it would be a great place for two little boys and for two girlfriends who love chocolate.  Every time I told someone we were going – they would tell me how wonderful and magical it was.  “The kids will love it!” everyone assured me.

Many people have also suggested more adventurous trips for the two boys – like the Grand Canyon – but I thought this would be a logical first step.

I imagined a magical place with chocolate fountains and everyone told me that as you entered into the town of Hershey you could actually smell chocolate in the air.  There were tons of rides for the kids and a water park.  Basically it would be a wonderful adventure and would secure my ranking as “Best Mom Ever.”

Ok well first of all as we were getting close to the Hershey gates, after driving for 5 1/2 hours I rolled down my windows with excitement.  We all stuck our heads out the car windows.  Maybe the factory was closed that day – or maybe fresh landscaping had just occurred but all we smelled was manure.

We were off to a great start.

Off we went to the amusement park.  We started off on a few rides and we did one pretty tame rollercoaster.  As we got further into the park we realized that several of the rides were closed. On one ride Jane and Michael waited in a half hour-long line before being told that the coaster was broken.

Michael the daredevil of the group, was getting frustrated.  We came upon a very unusual ride where you get strapped into what looks like a rollercoaster seat and then you go down a straight rail, practically at the speed of light.

We watched group after group get catapulted forward at lightning speeds into a tunnel out of sight.

“Please!! Please can I do that one?” Michael pleaded.

“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly as I watched people’s heads jolt back from the excessive speed.

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“Yes! Please!” he begged.

I relented and Jane agreed to go on with him.

We watched them get catapulted forward and waited for them to get off the ride.  They had disappeared.  We peered through the tunnel and under the trees that were blocking our view and I realized with horror that in fact the ride didn’t end with just a straight shot – but instead went on to become one of the most insane rollercoasters I had ever seen in my life.

Oopsie...there goes Michael.

Oopsie…there goes Michael.

After that whole fiasco we decided to have lunch and head over to the water park.

This part of the park reminded me of other hellish places I have been where water is squirting out from fifteen million places and a huge bucket above the area fills up with water and then tips over and drenches everyone with a tidal wave.   We were hot from milling about in the blazing 90 degree heat, so we thought it would be a good break.

As we approached we soon realized that there would absolutely be no way to watch our children.

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The kids chose the longest slide and we agreed to let them go all together up the stairs to wait in line for that particular purple slide and we would wait on the ground for them.  The line was long and our skin was burning as we waited for 15 minutes while they ascended the stairs.  As I peered around there were a lot of unsavory characters in ill-fitting bathing suits.  I slipped off my flip-flops and waded in a cold puddle to cool off, counting the minutes until we could leave this area.

Fifteen more minutes passed and we looked up into the sun trying to find their little bodies on the stairwell.  We spotted them and realized they hadn’t moved ahead much.

Another fifteen minutes passed and we could no longer see them and we were starting to get nervous.

“I’m going to go the bottom of the slide to wait for them! This is taking way too long!” I told my friend with despair.

Human beings of all shapes and sizes came one after another shooting out from the slide, but not our children.

slide

 

Finally, after one hour of waiting we could see our kids right at the top of the stairs, up next to come down the slide.  I walked up close so I could get a nice picture of them coming down the long-awaited slide.

But what was this that came shooting down?

This wasn’t one of our children….I took a closer look as a woman came tumbling down on her back in a big splash, legs spread wide……with NO BATHING SUIT BOTTOM ON!!!!  She leaned down and grabbed her bottoms that had slipped down around her ankles and pulled it back up.

I almost died.

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

I looked at my friend in despair – “But wait – I think our kids our next – that means – her bits and pieces just rubbed all the way down the slide!” I screeched in horror.

“Yup,” Jane said laughing as the kids came shooting down, “Here they come in the vagina tunnel…”

That was enough of that.

“Come on kids – a few more rides and then we can go to the Chocolate Museum.” I said wrapping the kids in towels and shuffling them out of the water park.

“But – we only did one ride!” the kids cried.

We ignored them and did a few more rides, even though we waited in two more lines!! that shut down the ride while we were mid-line!

Finally we headed out of the park and made our way towards “Chocolate World,” which was what I had been dreaming of all day. We were to go on a tour of the chocolate factory.

I knew for sure this whole day of torture would end with a delightful cruise down a chocolate river…

I couldn't wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey's chocolate at the end....

I couldn’t wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey’s chocolate at the end….

 

Only the tour was a fake-ass tour with barrels of fake liquid and a fake story about how chocolate is made….. I couldn’t help but think along the tour – “Where is the barrel of high fructose corn syrup??”

tour

This is fucking bullshit -Where is Gene Wilder?????

 

The kids enjoyed the tour and didn’t seem to notice that it was completely absurd and stupid. When we hopped off our beautiful chocolate river boat  motorized tour cart – I thought to myself at least we will receive a delicious piece of chocolate at the end of all of this.

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

We peeled out of that Hershey Park so fast gnawing on our pomegranate balls in disgust.

The next time someone tells me some place is “wonderful” I am going to have to think long and hard about this.

The first thing I am crossing off my list is the Grand Canyon.  Many people have told me how “amazing” it is there.

Guess what? I am not falling for this bullshit anymore.

I am not riding some filthy goat up a mountain and looking down into a ditch where I can fall to my death at any moment…..

I’m thinking “stay-cations” are more my speed.

 

CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE BEST!! MOTHER IN AMERICA -EVEN THOUGH I SENT MY KID DOWN A VAGINA TUNNEL AND A WILD DEATH ROLLERCOASTER!

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12 responses »

  1. Lol, sorry you had such a terrible time there! We actually love Hershey Park but that sounds like a hellish day. Aaaaand I will never be able to go there again without cracking up when I see the vagina slide (which I will never be letting my kid ride now lol!) The free tour in Chocolate World is ultra cheesy, but I hope you at least snagged a 10 pound Hershey Bar and 5 pound Reeses Cup on your way out to drown your sorrows with later!

    Reply
  2. You nailed it , so true. Made a few trips and it’s always as you have described.

    Reply
  3. The best part of Hershey Park is the hotel Hershey.

    Reply
  4. Very accurate and funny description of a lame day at the park! But you managed to make the best if it and thats worth something! Definitely worth more than that crappy chocolate they gave ya! Xoxo aloha

    Reply
  5. But you didn’t say whether your kids had fun.

    Too bad you had a bad experience. Hershey Park is kind of like where you go when you can’t afford tickets to Disney. I grew up in Hershey so have spent a lot of time there, and even worked there one summer (cue nostalgic montage). The park is actually kind of awesome when you go during the week and there aren’t a crap-ton of people there. I think the same could be said about any amusement park, but there’s something special about Hershey.

    I will accept your remarks about the Chocolate World ride–it used to be really campy in a great way, when I was a kid 30 years ago, but has slid down into cheese since then. Lastly, you don’t always get chocolate-covered pomegranates. Results vary.

    Reply
  6. What?!!? You didn’t get a little chocolate bar at the end of the tour at the Chocolate World factory?!?!! They give out pomegranate thingies now?!?!?!

    No, Hershey Park. No!!! My family and I were thinking of going this year, but… I’m not so sure about it now. I suppose we’ll have to make do with memories of our trips there throughout the years… Sigh!

    Reply
  7. That was hysterical and can so picture myself craving that chocolate, and then getting that dark chocolate package …sesame place is on our list soon and have a feeling much of the same!

    Reply
  8. u usually get a mini hershey bar, not pomegranate seeds
    besides that, my family has always loved hershey.

    Reply
  9. too bad they dont even make chocolate there anymore its all made in mexican slums and shipped up north to the reatarded gringos with extra helpings of bodily waste incleded in the recipe

    Reply
  10. It’s always hellish. It’s meant for kids to enjoy not adults.

    Reply

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