I have been enjoying my long weekend at the beach with lots of sun, food and drink. There haven’t been too many parenting dilemmas to speak of because ….well…quite frankly I have been ignoring the children.
However, I did find out about something new and exciting in the birthing world that I felt I should discuss.
During this week we enjoyed parties and celebrations of our “independence” as a nation. On July 4th, 1776 the Congress formally adopted the Declaration of Independence. One of our “Founding Fathers” who helped to get the wheels in motion to ensure our independence from Great Britain was the one and only, Benjamin Franklin.
I pretty much just thought he did that and then flew kites got electrocuted by lightning all day, but apparently he did some other very important stuff.
He put together a very important petition in Pennsylvania to create an institution that is now known as the “hospital.”
… petitioners were directed to present the Assembly with a bill to create a hospital. Presented a week later, the bill encouraged the Assembly to establish a hospital “to care for the sick poor of the Province and for the reception and care of lunaticks.”
From that day on we have enjoyed the comforts of hospital care.
We are able to enjoy modern medicine in well-lit sterile environments filled with trained medical professionals who spent years and years studying the human body at expensive medical schools.
We have been blessed with enjoyable television programming such as ER and Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital.
But now we have something even more groundbreaking to look forward to in the world of television.
I quite enjoy reality television and I have to say this spring, Lifetime Television really outdid themselves by bringing us some of the most riveting television in the history of reality TV with “True Tori.”
I am sorry but I cannot forgive Lifetime for their next big show. No matter how many scrapbooks Tori kicks off of her bed in hysterics.
‘Born in the Wild’ is set to debut on Lifetime, “a documentation of what happens when women actually give birth with no help from doctors.”
Lifetime is presenting us with a reality show this summer featuring women who feel that the birthing process should not be in a local hospital. It should apparently not be in their home either. These women find that hospitals and homes are too “medicalized” and that birth should be a natural and beautiful process.
Modern mothers once again have decided to reinvent the wheel. Convinced that evil medicine and sterility will destroy their precious beautiful birth moment, they have taken to popping kids out in kiddie pools in their dining room in droves.
They even hire photographers to document this amazing process.
Here a woman entertains everyone with a quick rendition of “Chopsticks” while she anxiously awaits her new baby!
When she is finished with a quick “Moonlight Sonata” she urges her partner to hop into his Tommy Bahama bathing suit, and put on his gold chain and dry-hump her from behind.
Soon after they hop into the kiddie pool that is set up in their living room and begin the process of childbirth at home.
But no!! Even the home birth isn’t natural enough for the latest batch of assholes bearing newborns.
Too sterile!! Not natural enough!!
So where should one squeeze out a child and a placenta these days? Where could a mother be completely immersed in this beautiful process with no disruptions from modern medicine or trained professionals?
Oh….the rainforest of course!
Lifetime’s PR people put out the crafty tagline for the show asking“What happens when the craziest experience of a woman’s life becomes truly wild, and soon-to-be parents decide to take on an unassisted birth in the outdoors?”
Oh I’ll tell you what happens….these poor children get to experience their very first moments of being born to stupid fucking “lunatiks” (as Ben Franklin would call them.) They might get Legionnaire’s Disease from still water or they might get stung by a wasp and contract malaria.
Ben Franklin worked long and hard to bring us hospitals where we have the luxury of knowing that if something goes wrong, then people who spent every penny they had at Harvard Medical School will help to ensure that our baby survives. Do you think that you are so one with Mother Nature that you are willing to risk the safety of your newborn child?
Let’s just say that everything is fine and you don’t need any help from a doctor or the comforts of an emergency room….
What if a frog or salamander jumps onto your baby when it pops out? What if it shoots out and hits his head on the rocks? What if he goes into the water and a wave comes and he starts floating away? What if an animal eats him? What if the baby ingest bacteria ridden algae from the creek as it comes out?
Do you think you are a fish or other animal that lives in the rainforest? Because you are not. What you are is an ignorant fool.
Oh and PS - nice ponytail.
Apparently when things get uncomfortable by the creek you can always pop on over to your purple yoga mat that’s set up on a bed of rocks.
Then when all is said and done you can just move away from all of the bloody pebbles and nurse your new baby and think about how amazing and “natural” and “wild” you are and how much Benjamin Franklin would hate your guts.
I am hoping that True Tori has another season or maybe I will start watching General Hospital again, because watching ‘lunatiks’ give birth on beds of filthy rocks filled with bugs and bacteria is not my idea of entertainment.
Yet just one more piece of evidence that mothers of today have completely lost their minds.
I HEART BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA