RSS Feed

I miss Jane Fonda


God Lord you people just get so upset when I mention the word “fat!” Thanks for all of my supporters last week when I came under a firestorm of people who were very unreasonably upset with me and called me things like “a dark whisper” whatever the hell that means.

A big shout out to Lvital7019 who got my back and then said “NOBODY  PUTS FUNNY IN THE CORNER!”

I am so lucky to have such loyal and smart and funny! readers – especially during “fat” times or Beyonce times.

Speaking of which, at the end of the day I failed to toss my pistachio gelato per my mother-in-law’s instructions. I am just not great at dieting. I would much rather hit the gym.

I am not sure if it’s due to the fact that I allowed my children to shack up and swim around in my uterus for extended periods of time or if it’s just that I’m getting old, but my body no longer responds appropriately to motion and exercise.

I run, spin, do weights, elliptical. I take annoying boot-camp like classes where we are expected to keep moving for 45 straight minutes doing horrible things like burpees and mountain-climbers…whatever the fuck that means.

Apparently this is how to actually do a burpee:

I usually just do

I usually just do 1- then 4 and then 5 and pray that nobody notices….

Yet…I am still fat.
All of that motion and the scale never moves.

I just maintain this motherly-like figure.

It’s probably because I refuse to stop eating. However, I have long ago realized that I have to give up certain things. I gave up toast, bagels and cereal breakfasts, years ago and switched to egg whites.

Two years ago, I was complaining about being fat to my friend Martha, and she said “Well it’s probably because you still eat turkey sandwiches…”

She was right- I was regularly eating a turkey sandwich with low-fat cheese and mustard. I cut that out and only eat salads now.

But I do eat dinner….and ice cream…..and Cadbury mini-eggs at Easter time….and Sunday dinner with REAL PASTA – not gluten-free shit, and I drink wine and martinis.

What I don’t understand is why can’t I do all of that when I work out like a man who’s about to go to war?

When did women have to start working out like animals to just be sure that their muffin top won’t get any larger?

At what point did the world become a place where if you wanted to be skinny you had to give up all food and beverages and workout like Rocky?

We aren’t dudes!

When this lady from my bodypump class asked if I would like to meet for coffee after class - I was a little nervous....

When this lady from my bodypump class asked if I would like to meet for coffee after class – I was a little nervous….

 

Also – gone are the days where you can enjoy the comforts of a traditional gym.

In the 90’s my friend and I joined a gym.  We would spend hours there bouncing from machine to machine.  We would then retire to the steam room and possibly go into the tanning bed for a few minutes.

It was delightful.

Those days are over.

Now if you want to be really serious about your workouts you must drive down a dark alley into the most industrial park like area of your town.   You will park your vehicle outside of some sort of warehouse like building and you will enter into this warehouse and you will be met with various crazies that will bark out orders at you.

There will be A wipe board involved that will list what impossible and torturous tasks you must complete.

There will be no comforts.  There will be no tanning.  There will be no steam room.

Your workouts will be made up of unreasonable requests involving tires, ropes and weird shaped weights in dark warehouses with scary individuals that make you wish you were dead.

A friend posted this on Facebook this week promoting a local "gym" where this was the workout of the day......Yes that's two women flipping over a tire.

A friend posted this on Facebook this week promoting a local “gym” where this was the workout of the day……Yes that’s two women flipping over a tire.

In the old days – women never would do such a thing.

The really active and fit women of the 1980’s would simply “power-walk” around the neighborhood for a half hour and magically fit into some sort of leotard or spandex workout outfit and look fantastic.

giphy

Nobody would throw a tire around a dark alley!!

My mother used to eat basically whatever she felt like eating.

Once in a while, (without the benefit of a VCR) she would meander into the living room and take out her Jane Fonda Workout Book and follow along with Jane’s instructions.

 

After she did a few pages, she would smoke some cigarettes and then take a nap.   She weighed about 120 lbs and is 5'9.

After she did a few pages, she would smoke some cigarettes and then take a nap. She weighed about 120 lbs and is 5’9.

If someone told my mother to go to some dark warehouse and have some crazy guy who takes human growth hormone yell at her for 45 minutes and make her throw around tires and climb ropes – she would slap them across the face.

Just the other day she said “I can’t believe you run so much…that’s good that you enjoy working out.”

“No – I hate working out – I just have no choice.” I replied.

Look at Jane’s happy smiling face while she contorts her body into a perfect “v.”

Throughout the book – you can see that this is someone who “enjoys working out.”

In one of the classes I go to at the gym I actually do these leg lifts and it feels as though someone has ripped off your leg at your hip and is beating you with it....

Here she is wearing nylons, leg warmers and a legit 100% spandex leotard while she lifts her legs into painful positions…there’s nothing to smile about here.

In one of the classes I go to at the gym I actually do these leg lifts and it feels as though someone has ripped off your leg at your hip and is beating you with it….

It’s not fun.

It’s not funny.

It makes me want to die every week….

 

Here I am trying to just get through the morning....

Here I am trying to just get through the morning….

Here I am after doing one burpee while the rest of the class did 25....

Here I am after doing one burpee while the rest of the class did 25….

The hard work will continue for sure now that bathing suit season has begun.

But can someone tell me an easier way to maintain my rusty old muffin top??

HAPPY BATHING SUIT DAY  MEMORIAL DAY!!!  PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

150-tmb

 

About these ads

7 responses »

  1. The Farmer's Daughter

    Hilarious! Definitely miss the days of simple aerobics videos!

    Reply
  2. Something happens to our bodies after children! I no longer can have cheat days, ha actually not even cheat meals.I have to keep my meals at 3 times a day with no snacks. Working out is a must and u do have to train like a beast..im 31 and I dont like to refer to it as a process of getting old(we are not in our teens and twenties anymore where we could recover from dorito binges and late night slurpees) ill blame it on my children, its easier that way.

    Reply
  3. LOVE this post! It is so true for me, as well. I work out like crazy, gave up bagels and croissants and buttered noodles. And it’s still not enough. Oh, well…I’d rather buy new (larger!) shorts for summer than give up everything I love to eat or jump on the Crossfit, etc. bandwagon!

    Reply
  4. OMG!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for the shoutout! :) PS – I know you said up there that it wasn’t funny, but I still laughed so I’m super-sorry. LOL

    Reply
  5. We miss Jane Fonda too. But we aren’t willing to give up our wine & pasta either, so we’ll keep flipping tires and slamming ropes praying the muffin top melts away. (at least we have hot trainers to look at as we pretend to do our burpees!)

    Reply
  6. you’re so funny. lighten up people. haha. and you look fabulous. plus, anyone that can drink there coffee and do a leg lift is in awesome shape.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,790 other followers

%d bloggers like this: