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Only as skinny as your fattest child…


I will never be a skinny person.

I resolved myself to that long ago.

However, I was not prepared – and I don’t think anyone can be prepared for how your body blows up and deforms during pregnancy.

I remember looking at my arms in the mirror and just being appalled at how fat they were.

They still look like that today.

That being said – I can’t not eat.

My fat arms do not deter me from eating pizza and pasta and drinking wine.

I guess I never got the memo that said if you eat a lot of pizza when you are pregnant your upper arms will grow to have the same circumference as your thighs and never go back to normal...

I guess I never got the memo that said if you eat a lot of pizza when you are pregnant your upper arms will grow to have the same circumference as your thighs and never go back to normal…

While many women I know survive on air and pills gluten-free and Paleo diets and wear size 2 Lululemon outfits, I consider my eating and drinking part of enjoying life – and I would rather go to the gym everyday (and still be fat) than give it up.

While I know that I will never be skin and bones – what I do not find acceptable is FAT children.

I see fat children and hate them and their parents instantly.  I famously once got in trouble at my job at a PGA Tour Golf club when a fat little boy kept buying hot dogs and candy on his parent’s charge – and I refused to serve him anything else until he swam some laps in the club pool.

So after a long winter of my little Italian son being covered up in velour Puma tracksuits and his leather jacket, I was appalled when he recently put on shorts without a shirt on a warm day.

“Um…Sam is fat!” I whispered to Mr. Gaga in the kitchen.

“I know.” he said nonchalantly.

“What?!! What are we going to do?” I screeched.

I knew what to do. I started denying him goldfish and crackers that he eats with his skinny Irish brother and started filling him with fruit and vegetables.

Dare I say – I was a little relieved when he had strep throat last week -and seemed to slim down after a couple of days of stomach upset.

The thing is – I pride myself on not giving my kids soda, candy, or fruit snacks.  We don’t eat a lot of processed cookies, no potato chips, no hot dogs or lunchables.

We don’t eat fast food and we are fairly active.

So I just chalked Sam’s weight gain to the fact that he might not be as active as he should be and that he will thin out now that it’s spring.

Also, Michael eats non-stop all day and is skin and bones, and I think sometimes Sam eats what his brother eats and

clearly has a different body type.

My mother-in-law was here this weekend to put the kibosh on my attempt of brushing off Sam’s weight.

“I noticed that Sam’s getting fat.” she said abruptly as I was attempting to enjoy a cocktail after a long work day.

Maybe if I drink this wine really fast - I can drown her out....

Maybe if I drink this wine really fast – I can drown her out….

 

“Yes -I know….” I answered.  “But I don’t know what to do….”

“You know what to do.” she sniffed.

“Oh my God! I know he’s a little chunky – but is he like the kid in Stand by Me and I just don’t see it because I’m his mother?” I asked desperately.

 

 

In the 80's I thought this kid was grossly obese...now when I look at him...he's not THAT fat.....

In the 80’s I thought this kid was grossly obese…now when I look at him…he’s not THAT fat…..

 

Oh my God -Is my fat-kid radar broken? Is God punishing me for being mean to fat children and their parents and making fun of their huge sodas?

“Well he looks ok in clothes, but you can see that he has a fat roll hanging over his shorts right here….” she said while she simultaneously leaned over and…

GRABBED MY MUFFIN TOP AND SQUEEZED IT.

OK, it's one thing to call my kid fat - but now you have gone too far.....

OK, it’s one thing to call my kid fat – but now you have gone too far…..

 

I tried to defend myself again.

“Well – it’s hard because like if Michael wants ice cream, I can’t tell Sam that he can’t have any…”

“How about you just don’t buy ice cream.” she answered smugly.

Well I was speechless.

“But I want to eat ice cream…” I whimpered defeated.

Was she not only calling Sam fat but me too?

I know she might be right – but have you had the Talenti Sicilian Pistachio Gelato???

It’s to die for.

Maybe I will eat some right now and start a new diet for me and Sam tomorrow…..

I mean really – like parenting isn’t hard enough.  Now we have to constantly fight against our fat American children blowing up into huge blimps!!

I guess on top of all of my other household duties, trying to be a good Tiger mom and working, I will add running a Weight Watchers Clinic and fat camp to my to-do list.

A mother’s work is never done.

Michelle Obama would hate me.

 

 

 

hbb

 

I KNOW YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BE HORRIFIED TO FIND THAT I HAVE A MOTHER IN LAW THAT GENTLY SUGGESTS THAT I STOP BUYING ICE CREAM. CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO EASE MY PAIN.

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31 responses »

  1. I used to really enjoy your blog, but with this post you just lost a subscriber. This wasn’t funny, it was mean spirited and I won’t read your blog anymore. I’m sure one reader doesn’t mean anything to you, but just thought I would let you know.

    Reply
    • It was mean spirited to myself and my son!!!

      Reply
      • Holy WOW -How did I miss THAT one?? Jeez, it’s like people see the word “Mommy” and automatically misread it as “Holy Mother” or something. WTF!?? I mean, if they WANT “Ladies Home Journal” Mommies, let them look for links in THAT magazine or Martha-frigging-Stewart or Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop or something for f*ck’s sake!

      • This post also was a bit too judgmental for me, and that’s saying a lot for someone like me. Unlike the over sensitive and likely politically correct driven woman above, I won’t judge YOU for writng a post about how you judge others :) I know you are just trying to be funny, it’s all good.

  2. I was raised in West Hartford and spend equal amounts of time ‘pity n pride’… Honestly, I was initially a bit amused by your blog BUT it has grown to be a dark whisper that should never be heard ;-( There is a fine line that has been crossed. I have 5 beautiful children and I almost cried when (even though I hoped you were joking) you whimpered aBout a handmade Mother’s Day gift. Mother’s Day is about being a Mom and being blessed! I believe two years ago I spent my ‘fun time’ at probably a least fav BUT Chuckie Cheese…-last year I encouraged my husband to stay on shift and took all 5 out for breakfast …diapers and all! This year my husband worked again – and, we relaxed at home … And waited for the crowds to clear then went for brunch. Mother’s Day is so misinterpreted ! It is NOT about US Mom’s – it is about OUR Mom’s! The LAST person you should be thinking about is you – remember who made you and thank who got you even an honorary mention…who is to know if you even deserve an award?

    Reply
  3. Well – I think what is “misinterpreted” is this blog!!!! But I will tell you if my husband brought me to Chuck E. Cheese for mother’s day – that would be grounds for divorce.

    Reply
  4. Lol..first of all everyone is gonna feel that its a sensitive subject bc of it being about children..well get over it I say..I have a niece who is chubby and I get pissed that my sister let her 3 yr.old get fat. Your setting your child up for bullying and if there wasn’t enough shit our kids could get made fun of now u just added to the list. I myself was a chubby and then overweight person until a few years ago..its no way to live a life. People r so mean to overweight people.I have a daughter and another on the way and u best believe I will be on fat lookout. So good for you for writing this most of us think it and those who dont r living a sheltered reality or have a fat kid..whatever the case, ill continue my support!!

    Reply
  5. Bwahahahaha! Ice cream is my weakness too! We bought one if the big tubs for a bday party and like 4 people had one scoop each. I proceeded to finish the tub almost exclusively by myself over the course of a week. When the husband asked what happened to all the ice cream I blamed it on the kids. I think I fed them a little bit one evening. On the bright side you inspired me to go run on the treadmill this morning!

    Reply
  6. Yeah – moms suck sometimes. They give you sh*t because maybe you gained a little weight when you moved to the suburbs from the city; then they hate on you when you finally figure it out and shed it all dropping down to a size lower than you were before you moved… It’s like you NEVER WIN!

    Reply
  7. This blog made me sad… Not offended. Your mother-in-law, if she is truly this way, and without embellishment, needs to be gifted a book on how grandmas need to behave… Also, it’s the 21st century… If your child has a weight problem, it’s not only your fault… It’s the fault of your husband. The conversation with your mother-in-law sounds like something Plath would’ve written if she’d kept writing rather than shove her head in the oven after penning Bell Jar. Your mother-in-law sounds wicked. That character is funny in a sitcom, not in real life… I don’t know you, obviously, but if I would’ve been present where this bizarre, hateful, and shallow conversation took place, I would’ve shared my thoughts with the mother-in-law… Despite her Mad Men/Betty Draper/stuck in Connecticut views…. There are WAAAAAY worse things than a child being slightly chubby. I have a friend whose child has stage 4 cancer right now. I’m sure she wishes she had this superfluous problem… You are doing a great job with your kids, GaGa… The mother-in-law, though, might be grounds for divorce.

    Reply
  8. Um...saywhatnow?

    Whaaa????

    “I see fat children and hate them and their parents instantly. I famously once got in trouble at my job at a PGA Tour Golf club when a fat little boy kept buying hot dogs and candy on his parent’s charge – and I refused to serve him anything else until he swam some laps in the club pool.”

    Reply
    • I was trying to help an obese child who’s parents didn’t care about his health

      Reply
      • although i agree that was easily the lowest point of your blog, you need to stop defending yourself (or as they say it: getting defensive). It isn’t helping your case and it isn’t changing the mind of the person who wrote it either. THe joke you made about the chucky cheese comment was perfect but the others is just you being defensive.

        Seriously – fuck em.

        You know you have a good blog when people LOVE you and HATE you. You want to weed out all the ones in the middle. Or even better, convert them into lovers or haters. So in that sense, this blog was a roaring success.

  9. Cynical and sad. I feel bad for your son. Hopefully, he doesn’t read your blog.

    Reply
    • You get what you get when you sign up for the blog. It’s funny and pokes fun. People need to lighten up! LITERALLY. 😳

      Reply
  10. Alexander Luthor

    I don’t understand what everyone is so pissed off about! I don’t see any of this as being mean or sad! Besides, I think parents should be concerned about their childrens weights, if only because they are a good window to general health and well being. Of course, this is coming from someone who used to tell his 2 year old daughter that “food is for fat losers,” so perhaps I’m not the best one to judge this post…

    Reply
  11. It just seems sad to me that she hates everything about her life so much, funny at times but now just seems like way too much. It is like hanging around with mean and negative people, eventually you become the same way.

    Reply
    • honestly I see you as negative and her as cheerful. And no I’m not kidding.

      What you see as mean/negative I view as sensational writing, likely exagerated for viewer readmanship, and surely he laughing the whole time she ‘s writing it.

      You on the other hand come on here spreading the negativity. You aren’t funny one bit.

      Fuck either am I. God damn it look what the hell you did to me? Quick … say something funny Kash… say it. SAY IT.

      OK Anna….

      Knock, knock.
      =Who’s there? (we’ll pretend you’re playing along)
      Boo.
      =Boo who?
      Please don’t be a bitch Anna. It’s only a joke.

      Reply
      • There we go, I feel like I am in high school and you are the mean girl. Sorry I had an opinion , I know apt of people agree with me. Some are just afraid of exactly this happening.

      • Anna, you didn’t share an opinion…you said you feel bad that “she hates everything about her life” which is a false statement that indicates you have clearly missed the point.
        P.S. that knock knock joke was very funny.

      • wow Anna I’m flattered. I’ve been online since 1996 and this is the first time I’ve been accused of being a GIRL. This is truly a magic moment for me.

        I can assure you that I am not female. But I am raising one. This is evident by using our shower and observing the fact that we have male and female bath scrunchies hanging on the shower rod.

        Which leaves us with two questions:
        1. Like the GooGoo said, you didn’t share an opinion, you started off by telling her how she felt about “everyone in her life”. That’s a lot of fucking people! And hate is a strong choice of words. In fact I don’t even permit my daughter to say she “hates” anything. Everytime she does it I ask her “you hate? really? like devils and pitchforks and wrath of burning fir…………DISLIKE DADDY, DON’T LIKE. SORRY! …. thats my girl”.

        2. Why the hell are you in my shower Anna?

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  14. Oh I should probably also comment here. My daughter and I are a tad bit overweight. We don’t eat fastfood and I consider our diet to be fairly healthy. But we do eat entirely way too much carbs.

    But I don’t know i mean when i was my daughters age, i could (and did) literally eat whatever I wanted and I remained as thin as a rail. I always blame the parents too in my head when i see fat kids. I never can understand how they can let their children become grotesquly fat like that, unacceptable i always thought! my daughter is hardly anything resembling a true “fat kid”, but she ain’t no spring chicken either.

    I think this summer I’m going to start exercising with her everyday, literally get into a running rourtine. She’s old enough for that now.

    Reply
  15. I just made home made ice cream with only a blender and time. Used almond milk and a little sugar. With this you can have ice cream and still maintain household order.

    My next batch will use a vitamin pack so that it is healthier.

    Regards,
    Clifford Mitchem
    Advocare Distributor
    Nutrition + Fitness = Health
    http://www.AdvoCare.com/13087657

    Reply

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