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The Wolf Makeover


During the foggy February times that I described last week, one night I decided that “we” should take the kids to see the LEGO movie.

As I was recovered from my French onion soup coma at this point there was plenty of room for a huge vat of buttery popcorn.   However, I am quite tortured by LEGOS enough, so as Mr. Gaga and the boys headed into the movie, my enormous popcorn and I turned left and dipped into The Wolf on Wall Street.

Some friends had mentioned that there would be excessive nudity and swearing. I quite enjoy swearing myself so I certainly don’t mind when others say a few bad words so that wouldn’t bother me.  When I saw this pie chart on Vulture.com I knew that I would love this cinematic production:

cursepie

I’m sorry but what’s not to like about someone saying the “F” word hundreds of times.

Others had mentioned that the movie was a trashy boozefest.  I wasn’t expecting much.

Within minutes I was transported out of my winter doldrums into the glossy world of excess.  Fifteen minutes in, I was eating my popcorn slack-jawed and completely hooked.  At this point there had been a bit of cursing and nudity and people start walking out!!!!

What stupid fucking douchebags!!

This movie was just what the doctor ordered for the winter blues!

Is it too late for me to go to a party like this??

Is it too late for me to go to a party like this??

I never wanted the movie to end.

First of all because who would want to stop spending time with Leonardo Dicaprio?  He is gorgeous as always, as the sleek wall street monster.  His wife is a spoiled blonde who complains about nonsense.  She doesn’t seem to know how lucky she is…..

leo

And secondly because after watching this vodka and luxury filled tale I would instantly go back to a life filled with dirty snow filled streets, Lego filled rooms and leftover crockpot soup.

When I met up with Mr. Gaga after the movie he asked how it was.  I said “I want to steal everyone’s money, get a bunch of strippers and do drugs all night.”

He seemed to think that was a bad idea.

I decided to start small.

First things first – I needed a tan. Only washed-up fat loser moms are pasty and white. It was time to bust out the self tanner.

Second thing to be addressed was my hair.  Why do I always have brown hair?

Because I am a boring mom with boring mom hair.  I went to visit my hairdresser armed with a picture of the new and improved Kim Kardashian.

This is what I look like now...Thank you Wolf of Wall Street....

This is what I look like now…Thank you Wolf of Wall Street….

And the final piece of the puzzle (before I steal everyone’s money, buy my own helicopter and lose 75 pounds) was the teeth.  The wolf mentioned that when he met his business partner he noticed that he had the whitest teeth he had every seen.

jonah

I needed these white teeth to finish my look.  Just in time I got sent a professional teeth whitening kit from Smile Brilliant.

smile

I was transformed into a sexpot.

Now this is a typical scene of Mr. Gaga and I picking up Legos in the kids’ rooms.

nursery

And while I am in the midst of reinventing myself – it’s only right that one of you can join me in a Wolf of Wall Street inspired makeover!!!

I am going to send one of you a Smile Brilliant LED Whitening System!!

To enter to win please leave me a message of what you are going to do to make yourself Wolf of Wall Street worthy…..

I will pick at random the person I think is most deserving of this delightful system!!!

NOW I HAVE TO HOPE THAT LEO WINS THE OSCAR!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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19 responses »

  1. Tammy thompson

    To f’ing make myself Wolf of Wall Street worthy, I’m gonna f’ing get rid of this sh#t brown hair and shave my f’ing legs.

    Reply
  2. I’m going to steal my sister’s self-tanner and diet pills.

    Reply
  3. After my weekend of leaving my Podunk white trash town and venturing into the city, I will now starve myself with the help of Adderols. Forget the fucking bronzer this pasty ass needs an all over spray tan. Then its off to the plastic surgeon to get vials of Botox and filler cause this face is beyond weathered and aged. Shit I may rob a bank and get an actual facelift. Now for my outfits, ill throw away my beat up stain infested kohls brand jeans and venture out looking for a slutty, slinky designer mini dress and fuck I cant forget the stilettos. I have so much fucking gray in my desperate pathetic looking hair even monthly dyes dont cover it. Shit I need to start selling drugs to support dye jobs every 2 weeks and add highlights for the additional sex factor. After this transformation and the excessive stealing to help me achieve it I will most likely be transformed but as I sit in my jail cell my teeth will still be coffee stained bright yellow so please you motivating piece of shit biatch send me the teeth whitener to remind methis was all worth it. Oh and fuck you

    Reply
  4. everydaypolish

    Watch a KUWTK marathon. Obvi. And use words like obvi.

    Reply
  5. Oh, I am totally getting this on demand tonight!

    Reply
  6. Great movie to see. Really, the people who walked out, have no sense`of humor & are morons. Keep up the great work Laydee!!!!!

    Reply
  7. As I am you, 2-3 years ago, just the thought of being able to take a shower without the door open, or without my 2 yr old climbing up on the sink and flooding the cabinets or winding daddy’s floss tightly around her big toe, as I close my eyes for one second in a vein attempt to remove 2 day old mascara that has cemented on my face or look down to tame the jungle that once resembled a hoo ha (before my 6 month old wakes up from her 15 minute (with any luck) nap!)….that seems indulgent to me at the moment. :)

    Reply
  8. a legos movie without swearing when you step on them in the middle of the night is pointless. Maybe they should combine wolf of wall street with legos. That would be realistic.

    Reply
  9. I’m going to f—ing meet my coke dealer so that I can pull f—ing all- nighters, you know cause that works waaaayyyyy better than the f—ing Starbucks this working mom drinks everyday. After I’m up on coke, I’lll work out all f—ing night so that I too can have a f—ing rockin’ body. Next, I’ll wear f—ing white clothes that won’t have tiny fingerprints all over him, because let’s face it- white is f—ing classy.

    Reply
  10. To make myself wolf of wallstreet ready, I am going to get off my fat ass, work out and get a tan!

    Reply
  11. I think I’ll invest in a new 6-pack of fat girl briefs to replace my now 30 pairs of period underwear. And so I look extra sexy in my granny panties, I might just shave my bikini line, so my husband stops referring to my regions down yonder as Sherwood Forest.

    Reply
  12. You want a real makeover you send those little ankle bitters to grandmas for the week and LIVE IT UP! Just pretend you don’t have kids for a few nights! Shave your legs, do your hair, wax where needed and be your super sex pot self! Oh wait, I’m a fat pregnant lady. Gonna be a while before I look not like a whale!

    Reply
  13. Firstly, I am going to Netflix this ASAP and for the entirety of the upcoming weekend. Second, I will get all my witnesses to verify that I was overusing the word “FUCK” in all its little nasty incarnations before it was a cool F* YOU, YOU F*CKING F*!!! t-shirt at the souvenir shops in Times Square (my Mom coined that phrase, actually. Made-in-China stole it from her – Oh, she’s a witness!). For the makeover part, I can’t do the Wolf blonde so I will shave one side of my head so I can be prim ‘n proper secretary by day, punk-rocker by 5:30PM every night. MAYBE I will do a Snow-White streak on one side to match my brilliant choppers. Oh, and there will also be lots of MJ because it’s way cooler & more versatile than coke – can’t really make cocaine brownies, can we. I will also banish the “winter werewolf” as it is way past due since I was sick all last week with the flu.

    Reply
  14. Picking up Legos has never been so HOT!

    Reply
  15. Pingback: The Key to Happiness is Low Expectations. | Night'sWatchBlog

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