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The downward spiral…


Otherwise known as February.

Maybe I was too quick to make fun of the people complaining about the weather.  My children have been home now for 12 days between vacation and snow days.

There have been too many storms to keep track of at this point – but all I know is that I have been in the house eating, drinking and aging rapidly.

Whenever there’s some sort of inclement weather that leaves us housebound, Mr. Gaga and I take that as a sign to strap on clothing made totally from elastic and spandex and drink alcohol and eat comfort foods like its our job.

Towards the beginning of the twelve day stretch – I was still in a happy mood and so after the kids went outside to shovel and make a fort I made delicious lunch-time hot chocolates with a little Bailey’s and Fireball Whiskey in mine.  Then I made French Onion Soup in the crockpot….

soup

Whatever delicious flavors you’re imagining are all true…You know you are jealous.

While it cooked I drank wine and lounged around while Mr. Gaga drank beer and watched a movie with the kids.  When it was time for dinner, Mr. Gaga and I had huge vats of steamy soup covered with bubbly cheese.

We quickly realized why this soup is traditionally served in mug.  I don’t think humans are meant to consume this much liquids and cheeses at once. We rolled around in bed moaning and groaning until we passed out in soup and boiling cheese comas.

Also, Valentine’s Day was mixed into this blur of days indoors.  Needless to say we made pink cupcakes and had a nice steak dinner with all the creamy fattening sides to celebrate our love.

When I was young, my best friend’s father owned a pharmacy.  He would always bring home boxes of chocolates when they were past their sell-by date.

With this much chocolate at our fingertips – we could look at the “map” and take a bite of each one and throw it back in the box if we didn’t like it.  We would lounge around taking bites of the chocolates and pretend we were on a soap opera.

There was something so luxurious about having a Whitman Sampler all to your self.

I really thought this would be me someday....

I really thought this would be me someday….

While my life is not quite as luxurious as someone who sits in bed eating bon bons all day – I did feel after a few days of torture that I deserved to eat some of Sam’s chocolates.

He was asleep and I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I just had one.

Old habits die hard....

Old habits die-hard….

In the mornings we were eating hearty breakfasts of bacon and eggs and then we had a great idea to put the Valentine M&M’s into pancakes.

Then one day Mr. Gaga decided to make “Breakfast Corn Dogs.” I mean this is just embarrassing….

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it....and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

So this is actually a sausage cooked into a pancake with syrup on it….Oh and apparently he had sticks handy to create this masterpiece.

 

After a few days of eating and drinking with reckless gluttony –  I had to actually leave the house and go to work.  I had been shuffling around the house in my velour pants and my furry coat….

I took a little peek in the mirror.

What I saw was horrific.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“I LOOK LIKE FUCKING SHIT!!!”

It was time to face the cold hard facts.  Apparently, in my old age a diet flush with onion soup, cheese, chocolate and alcohol does not equal beauty.

My under eyes were so puffy I could barely see out of the small slit that was left of my eyeball and my skin was dry and pasty white further accentuating my dark circles and wrinkles.

I stared at myself in the mirror in horror. Had I just aged like 30 years since Christmas?

Yes.

Yes I had.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Good lord!! Look at the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

I promptly piled on 4 concealers and two foundations and ten bronzers to attempt to rectify the problem to no avail.

I have learned my lesson.

I will be making a concerted effort this week to reverse the damage of the last twelve days.

I will be piling on makeup like it’s nobody’s business.

I will be hitting the gym.

I will be wearing clothing that has proper fastening devices like buttons and zippers.

I will be eating onion soup in a mug instead of a vat eating celery and drinking half a bottle instead of a whole bottle of wine drinking water!!

Spring is right around the corner!!!

Ok...well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday....and then Saturday ....and maybe Sunday.

Ok…well maybe I will wait until after Wednesday….and then Saturday ….and maybe Sunday morning….FML.

THIS HAS TO BE THE HOME STRETCH!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE WE CAN TAKE!  CLICK THE BANNER BELOW AT LEAST BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME AND MY UNDEREYE PUFFS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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11 responses »

  1. See, I was kind of hoping we would all get on the onion soup, cheese, and chocolate train during this hibernation period and inadvertently reverse the cultural definition of beauty to make it more like “unbrushed hair in a scrunchie (where did you find a scrunchie??), bathrobes, and puffy eyes.” I feel like if there are enough of us behind this we could land the Sports Illustrated cover in a year or two…

    Reply
  2. ha! well, you did what you needed to do to survive the cold and vacation. sounds fabulous! and you know what, i’ve been thinking i really look like shit lately and i haven’t been doing any of that – so there you go! ;)

    Reply
  3. ahhahahhahaha. Yet another one of your posts that almost woke my family up from my poorly stifled laughter

    Reply
  4. This brought such joy! I thought I was the only one!

    Reply
  5. I am hoping for some break in the weather for you guys….I do not know how you do it…But hay send over some of that snow to us here in Cali. We have had very little rain and going through an emergency drought we will be watering our plants with friggin bottles water soon…….

    Reply
  6. Reblogged this on My Best of the Web.

    Reply
  7. Come on Laydee, You are still beautiful. Keep it up!

    Reply
  8. Pingback: The Wolf Makeover | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  9. My heart fluttered reading this. Love, baby gaga ❤️

    Reply
  10. hmmm sounds familiar…esp. the part about stretchy clothes. thanks for the laughter.

    Reply
  11. If you do love to eat chocolates but then feel guilty afterwards, I suggest you buy a gluten-free energy bar from Nouri, one of the companies that give back, they give one child, one meal per day for each health bar that you purchase. Aside from eating something healthy and delicious, you are also helping others in the process, and I do believe this can help you feel good and beautiful at the same time.

    Reply

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