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News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

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This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is - I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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149 responses »

  1. Enjoy the blog but am so sick of hearing the”blame the mother” routine that it really put me off what you had to say this week. Bieber is a 19 year old man! Old enough to vote, join the army, have a family and live away from his mom which he is obviously doing. He is making his own bad choices. Whose to say it wasn’t his father sold him up you tube or himself. I think 14 is old enough to know how to shoot a video and upload it. You are a funny woman you don’t need to sink down to that old worn old cliche of blaming the mom.

    Reply
    • Not to get all serious, but no, he’s not a “man” – teen brains do not fully develop/function as an adult’s brain sometimes until almost age 25 .

      Reply
      • True they don’t fully develop yet. Despite that he should at least have some common sense and the ability to recognize “good” from “bad”. Going through with the choices whether good or bad may be where the immature teen falls in. With his publicity though there should be more stress placed on those following through on the choices he’s making.

      • 25 years of age is just an estimate.I’ve heard as low as 21. On the other hand the brain never truly stops developing as we are always creating new synapses every time we learn something. That being said i think the artificial extension of child hood can be blamed on pop culture and institutionalized schooling which most of us are a part of at some point. Even Beibers mom.

      • Many good points (hope I did not give impression I find his mom blameless…) We are a culture that treats the Kardashians like royalty – I hardly see the point in deporting Justin ;)

      • Honestly I could care less either way. It’s like they say hate the game not the players.

      • guys, im 14 and yall sound like 11 year olds fighting over stuff…… like bandies like me and a few of my friends arguing who the best band is out there….. wow just cool it yall…. or should I say calm your tits

      • I think you misinterpreted the tone of the conversation. But that’s ok man you keep on rocking.

    • but he is not yet old enough to drink alcohol! so he is responsible enough to go to war, raise a family, live away from the parents, but not to drink alcohol…what i am trying to say is that even if in the society’s eyes he’s old enough to be allowed to join the army and start a family, this doesn’t actually mean he is old enough. for any of these.

      Reply
    • Each person in life has choices to make…Some take harder knocks because of ignorant choices or they do not care. And some are just selfish. How about looking at the dad’s responsibly?

      Reply
    • Wow – can’t we just embrace this as the enlightening, hilarious revelation that THIS is EXACTLY what most people think but are too afraid of the PC Police to actually say? Its not”Mom-bashing” – it’s specifically HIS mom she’s referencing. Its entertaining not to mention FRICKIN’ HILARIOUS.

      Reply
  2. This was laugh out loud funny. I’m pretty sure she meant the whole piece as tongue in cheek.

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  3. “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie” … priceless. Just priceless!

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  4. Cookie monster is kind of a prick, much more than Oscar. Oscar is real, while CM has horrible eating etiquette and never shares the cookies.

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  5. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
    Sorry this was funny!
    Thanks for the giggle in a world too serious!

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  6. Ha! I love your analysis of Bert and Ernie!!

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  7. OK, that was hysterical. I do think Caillou is annoying, and Ernie never learned about the horizontal stripes.

    Reply
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    Reply
  9. Hahaha.. I love your humor!! :)

    Reply
  10. You ARE a genius, lloved this post! I should disclose I grew up adoring Oscar & Cookie Monster & I turned out just fine ( though I’m told that is debate-able, Whatever.) That creepy, over-medicated purple dinosaur is what gets me.
    My take on the Biebs is this: he was created by an entertainment machine of not just his parents but every parent who wanted him to entertain 13 yr old girls – and gasp -He grew up. He is still behaving better than lots of other kids his age, he just has publicity. & Aren’t lamborghinis supposed to go fast? Great writing !

    Reply
  11. Bring back the news! This infotainment is worse for our brains than a steady diet of diet soda.
    I also moght add that TMZ is the worst. What right do a room full of young adults, who themselves admittedly make bad decisions, criticize others?
    Well done!

    Reply
  12. Thank you for making me laugh as I sip my brown liquid (French Roast). You are hilarious! And, yes. It’s cold outside ;-)

    Reply
  13. Try living in Winnipeg. I love it here though. Sunshine and happy faces despite the cold.

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  14. Keep up the good work, I always love a good rant.

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  15. I like Bert because he’s bigger

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  16. I have always noticed the general jerkiness of Oscar the Grouch. Just because he lives in a bin he thinks it gives him license to be a jerk. Sort your life out, Oscar.

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  17. Too funny! Really, who cares about Justin Bieber? Sad what people think is news! Thanks for sharing this delightful blog.

    Reply
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    Reply
  19. Lol, I agree wake up America (and Canada and the rest of the world!) Caillou is so annoying, can’t stop laughing over the two most lethargic gay people to ever meet :D

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  20. Hihihi… I still have to smile:)

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  21. Hihiihi… I still have to smile:)

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  22. I couldn’t agree more about the low-caliber of “news”. Access Hollywood and the nightly news essentially blend together. Newsflash – while the media is humoring us with tabloid news, civil wars are still going on, the government is still getting bigger, price gouging is still getting worse and social media has more control than ever about your decisions you “think” you made. Oh and social security is still running out. national debt is still climbing. we still reward people for being lazy and having children when they cant even support themselves…. but yes clearly, Bieber is much more “fun” to critique.
    Can people please start taking some personal responsibility? please? I digress.

    Reply
  23. Living in UK, being a Brit, being 74, having ditched TV, I do not watch Sesame Street, which I got tired of it decades ago anyway. But thanks for asking my opinion. You DID ask for my opinion did you not? Never mind. Here it is:

    I am amazed that The Street is still on the air, even though Jim is dead. The whole cast have been less than sophisticated right from the start. They are based on deprived and abused (culturally and intellectually) ghetto children.

    The theory was that ghetto puppets will be believed and understood. Their good example will be accepted. Sadly, some misled TV person thinks that puppets behaving badly is comical and must, therefore, be a good example. I do not understand THAT one.

    There are a few nicely behaving puppets. Good. Let the other ones just fade away. Actually, ghettos (whether Beverly Hills or Watts) will start to heal when Prohibition is fully Repealed, nation-wide in USA (and all other misled countries). Then the children can begin to have a good example as violent crime falls over the following years.

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  24. Try as I might I can’t seem to overcome my addiction to Diet Coke. It just feels so good as the aspartame slowly but surely incinerating my insides.

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  25. “He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River” made me laugh out loud. Super funny and astute!

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  26. I found this piece to be extraordinarily judgemental & bitter. Not sure why it ended up FP, guess it takes all kinds.

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  27. Hahaha! Loved reading your article till the end

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  28. I agree about the news. When I turn the TV on in the morning and want to hear “World News” all I hear is “WOrld Breaking News” and then some nonsense about some celebrity. WHO CARES? That is not world news. Anyway, thanks for the entertaining blog. Enjoy!

    Reply
  29. Losing hope in humanity again… My requests for my fellow Americans: #1 unless you live in Alaska or Florida all year, STOP COMPLAINING AND WHINING ABOUT IT BEING TOO HOT OR COLD. #2 stop whining about Obama unless you have important actual concerns #3 Kids shows aren’t even worth watching anymore so try to avoid them or play something older and better… I grew up on Spongebob, old Sesame Street, loony Tunes, just about everything and I’m pretty smart and not violent. So there.

    Reply
  30. Lol. You basically wrote down what I was thinking…

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  31. Ha! I get a kick out of the people who are concerned that you might be being too judgemental or mean…seriously?!!! It’s called humour, people. And congrats – you did a great job on the humour. Love it!

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  32. I am Oscar. I live in a dump, eat garbage, and can be very rude. The thing about Ernie and Bert being gay–wow did you think the Sesame Street people had that idea in mind???

    Reply
  33. Wake UP America is right! But it isn’t just today or even recently that so called news in America ; wasn’t news..That has been factual for at least the past 10 years..Anytime the news has become ANYthing celebrity related or etc etc blah , blah , blah…It has been years since I & alot of people I know depended on our news stations for real news..And the news we do get? Sad fact IS though if folks weren’t watching it; they couldn’t keep televising it..Someone, and lots of someones, are tuning in & loving IT. 2 thumbs UP on your write!

    Reply
  34. Lol so funny and true. I never did like sesame street, but now at 29 i love me some spongebob

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  35. More people watch the local news for weather more than any other subject. That’s why one of our local stations advertises that it runs for two hours locally so that you have “more chances for weather.” And they split it up throughout the broadcast. First the current weather, then the future track, and then the long-term forecast. I can never see the weather in one chunk because that is the only way they can keep us watching so that there are more chances that we will see the commercials.

    They should lighten up about Sesame Street. Kids enjoy watching someone else who is slightly naughty. They know they are not supposed to act that way.

    I feel sorry for Justin Bieber. I just hope he doesn’t destroy himself or kill anyone in the process of recovering. I hope her recovers. It would help if we gossips (both those who enjoy sharing it and those who enjoy hearing it – after all, you can’t gossip by yourself), would leave him alone.

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  36. #1 My favorite is when it’s raining outside and everyone you run into says “man, it’s wet out there.” Really? #2 i don’t know about being a believer, but we all made mistakes when we were younger. Imagine if we had Beiber money…the mistakes I’d make! #3Fat American soda drinker hides in shame. #4 Hey, I like Sesame Street ;)

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  37. Reblogged this on An Intrest in People. and commented:
    maybe it was just the script they got, but someone else wrote it. And I’ve noticed lately that people enjoy talking. And then they like to talk about what they’ve talked about. It’s also time to stop paying attention to Justin Beiber.

    Reply
  38. Enjoyed this. I am a belieber too. Not a fan, but I do feel there are too many haters in this world. And true, the world IS running out of things to make proper headlines!

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  39. I’ve always wondered who thought a grumpy guy that lives in a garbage can was a good role model for kids. I can’t be a hater though, I grew up with the sesame street characters as close friends. Oscar though, he always scared me.

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  40. Reblogged this on Uncertain Prosody and commented:
    Haha the name is funny

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  41. I love to watch Sesame Street when I was a young boy!Do visit my blogpost at http://bitcoinsinvestment.blogspot.sg if you have the spare time and spare cash for investment savings for the future!Thanks:)

    Reply
  42. I just read your whole post and all the comments even though I live in remote Donegal, Ireland. I have no idea what TMZ is, I haven’t heard of Justin Bieber and I haven’t watched Sesame Street since my kids we’re small 30year’s ago. But I was entertained, so the writing must be good or at least thought provoking. Glad to find you on FP. Thanks

    Reply
  43. Reblogged this on Dream Dressed Bee and commented:
    Something that i found interesting………….. :p

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  44. I just came across your blog. Love it. I think our sense of humor was separated at birth,

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  45. Reblogged this on myviewfromtheedge and commented:
    Wow…

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  46. First, the cold weather thing: Normally, I would agree with you, but this has been a exceptional year. When places like Mobile, Alabama are having to close schools because of Winter Weather, and some places that normally see heavy winter weather are breaking records becasue they’re seeing temperatures normally reserved for north of the Arctic Circle, it becomes newsworthy.

    Next, regarding Justin Beiber: Personally, if I never hear or see his name again, I’ll be quite happy, but that being said, I couldn’t agree more. He’s young and stupid, just like most of us were at that age, the difference is, he’s got more money and fame than most of us did or ever will.

    Now, on to “bad choices” on Sesame Street… They’re puppets… They can do what they want… Leave them the #&@! alone! The TV is called a one-eyed monster and idiot box for a reason. Instead of ramming political and social agendas down everyone’s throat, how about having parents take responsibility for teaching their children the difference between reality (life) and fantasy (99% [or more] of TV…even “educational” programming).

    Reply
  47. Wow I liked this post and was very happy to read it until you said you were a Belieber … And no, no one should be anything!

    Good idea for a post and congrats for being featured though.

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  48. Very funny! However, I credit soda and cigarettes for my relatively slim physique. I may die young, but I won’t die fat!

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  49. Most children become an adult quickly. They do not listen to anyone because they think they are adult. At nineteen Bieber is making choices. They may or may not be good ones but he is making them.

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  50. Oh, I cannot count the endless reasons WHY I frickin’ LOVE this post! Maybe, it’s the hilariously and scarily accurate way you verbalize every snarky thought I’ve ever thought about most of the subjects you mention. This rocks and I can’t wait to read more…

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  51. Reblogged this on capaciousthoughts and commented:
    Duh.

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  52. You not only have my kind of sense of humor, but a great delivery in writing. Great job, thanks for the laughs.

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  53. Let’s start a news agency dedicated to spreading the news about the stories in the news that aren’t actually news and call what we do “news.”

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  54. Loved the post! I agree with the whole Justin Bieber thing I actually wrote a small article about it as well http://www.jeanmess.com/justin-bieber-ruins-the-news/ Congrats for being featured!

    Reply
  55. Pingback: I’m Freshly Pressed! | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  56. C is for …Conservative eating habits?

    Reply
  57. I like your observations…..here a few of my own. Zulu Delta

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  58. By the way….flying around in a bright yellow Trans Am……….Do you live in Rhode Island?

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  59. that is my profetionol postiong

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  60. Interesting! Loved reading your post.. And congrats for being featured.

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  61. I am a Belieber too. lol

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  62. That was insanely funny!!! Great read on a cold – dare I say wintery – February day… but I’ll spare you the news bulletin!

    Now where did I put that cookie?

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  63. Great fun. geniuses, as opposed to genii. Equally illegitimate, regarding newsworthiness, is the wacky Me-Time blog. There you will find a special offer for 30 hrs. http://bit.ly/1aI6SLh

    Reply
  64. The girl on the run

    Awesome ! please reblog on http://vinayika.wordpress.com

    Reply
  65. Yep, I don’t watch local news cause I know I’ll pick up (or drag) the TV and toss it out the window! I’m a Yankee American and can’t stand the complaints about weather. My comeback now a days has been, “Well, it is winter” which is said with a smile while thinking less kind things.

    Thank you for letting me vent, ha!

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  66. I’m new to your blog and all I can say is…it’s funny. Funny as hell. Personally, I think what’s happening with Sesame Street is idiotic. We grew up with Cookie Monster showing shit in his furry face all day long and didn’t become a generation of fat, blue people with Toll House crumbs all over our office cubicles. Is it too much of a dream to hope for the same for our children?

    Reply
  67. Reblogged this on The Personal Blog Of Uroosa Khalid Qureshi and commented:
    Annu Babblu …. My Childhood Frndx… ;) :P ;D

    Reply
  68. hahaha! funny lol keep on going!

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  69. Haha! thats great, tell it how you see it!

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  70. Chuckle chortle! Just blew soda out of my nose!

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  71. I saw a newscaster interrupt the woman being interviewed, who, I might add, was a fairly important mind giving her insight on current government happenings, in order to cut over to Justin Bieber being arrested in Miami. Or, as the network dubbed it, Breaking News…

    Reply
  72. Reblogged this on My Best of the Web.

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  73. Thank you for writing this! I’m a “Belieber” and love Oscar the Grouch.

    I know we just “met” but I love you.

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  74. 26 is considered the average age of maturity now.

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  75. Good post. All true. All annoying! Oscar the Grouch looks like a big lump of weed.

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  76. Oh boy do weather complainers bug the sh*t out of me! It’s winter, it’s cold, go put on a second pair of mittens and shut up!

    “Bert must be genetically blessed” Buahahahahahahaha!

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  77. Convincing, truthful, alarming and great job pointing it out to us.

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  78. Just one question… where are you from England or America ? :D

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  79. My most favorite characters

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  80. Thanks for making me smile on this surprisingly cold February Day!

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  81. *turns off tv* No need for the news now. I wish that these people could find something worth reporting about.

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  82. ENJOY IT IN GREAT WAY PART OF ME FEELS WHAT GREAT THINGS OCCUPIED YOUR MIND TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH GREAT THINGS WORTH LIVING AND HOPE WE WILL HEAR ABOUT IT TOO WITH THIS ENJOYABLE DESCRIPTION THANKS

    Reply
  83. Very well written. Ian x

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  84. What a funny story, i like ths story and thank you for making me laugh and glad!
    “News i Already knew B,z i am a geniouss” gud title its shows me something in this story i got it!

    Reply
  85. I recall when Sesame Street first came on the air when I was about 30. Jim Henson was much praised for trying to educate very young ghetto kids. Given their a low-attention-threshold, or whatever it is called, he would deliver a ‘let’s be nice’ message in amongst the real world of rough-and-ready folk. I was only partly sold on it, but I was British/English, so what was I to know? I did agree that it was a step up from Tom and Jerry and such inane garbage.

    I like the way Comments are still open on this. OK, in another 35 years, when I am 110 years old, I will try to remember to get back here and admit how wrong, or boast how right, I am/was; if, that is, I have worked out what we are/were talking about. Shame Jim died young.

    Justin Beiber? I love his slim and smoochy cool-ness. I heartily dislike his music. I hope he finds some worthwhile contribution he can make, using his money, to heal some of the mess here on Earth, and thereby gain happiness. Maybe he is already on that job. I guess we can all work harder at it. But now that Prohibition is at last about to be repealed, the ghetto kids will soon have a chance anyway.

    Reply
  86. Pingback: The downward spiral… | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  87. I love this! Thank you! I do think Sesame Street is still a far better show than most kid shows out there.

    Reply

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