Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…
The kids had friends over on Friday night.
I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.
“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.
“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.
Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.
His friend’s shoulders slumped. “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”
They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys. Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”
Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.
After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.
“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! “
He stared back at me.
“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.
“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.
“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.
” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.
“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.
“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.
But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching. The answers were delightful.
The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.
Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob
while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :
1 – Don’t be a Follower - Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog. If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”
2 – “Don’t litter” - “One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.
“Stick up for your friends” - Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode. “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”
3 – Listen to your teacher: “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff. He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.
4- Never fight around babies: “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.
One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.
5 – “Keep trying” -“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently. “He never gives up.”
6 – “Dance, surf &karate” - “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.
7 – “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”
**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.
8 – “Don’t curse.” “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”
9 – “Do what you love to do.” - “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”
**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.
10 – (my personal favorite lesson) - “Don’t go in tanning booths.”
“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.
“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained. “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”
In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014. I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!
Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday. After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.
“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.
My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.
The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?
They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”
YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!