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Dear Elf Creators,


Dear Carol Aebersold and twin daughters, Christa and Chanda, (Elf on the Shelf Creators),

I am so sorry to disturb you at this time of year.

I am sure you are quite busy counting all of the multi-millions you have made on your adorable little Elf idea.   Right now this letter might find you drinking a Mai Tai in the Turks and Caicos or maybe you are doing some 5th Avenue Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your luxurious lifestyle.

While you sip champagne and shop for Louboutins the rest of us are running around like fucking assholes dousing our kitchens with flour so that the “elf can make snow angels” and pretending that our elf is on a “wrecking ball.”

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this.....

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this…..

But look at how one of my new favorite bloggers, Lil Blue Boo, took it one step further!!!!

elfmiley

This elf has a foam finger!!!!!

Anyways – Carol, Christa and Chanda, while I admire your tenacity and ambition, let’s face facts. Your invention is a thinly veiled attempt at “creating magic for children,” when in fact what you have actually done is create yet another guilt-inducer for mothers across America.

I have mentioned before how I sell bras part-time, and I have mentioned how I try to be like Clark Griswold and create magic at Christmas for my family.

Every day during December, I deal with angry entitled “bra customers,” then I rush home to do laundry, cook and clean.

I, along with most mothers, add to my regular tasks, baking, wrapping, Christmas shopping, Christmas movie watching, holiday decorating, visits with Santa, Christmas tree shopping and fighting with Mr. Gaga. (a true holiday tradition.)

When I finally lay my head down each night to “settle my brain for a long winter’s nap” I always start to doze off quickly. Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

EVERY. NIGHT.

Are you happy now?

Thanks to you, we have to deal with this North Pole motherfucker from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Like everything else in modern-day motherhood, elf activities, hiding spots and inappropriate habits have become a new competition.  Mothers snap photos of their sneaky little “elves” doing silly things like banging Barbies and then quickly post on Facebook so we can all see how invested they are in providing the BEST ELF EVER!! for their little brats.

I'll admit this is good....

I’ll admit this is good….

Did you ever consider coming up with a lucrative idea that enables you to have success without throwing all mothers in America under the bus until the end of time?

You three think you are just soooo clever don’t you?

You know who’s clever?

The lady who invented the dishwasher is clever.  She helped us all have a prayer of doing something besides cleaning dishes and cutlery all day.

Bethenney Frankel is clever.  She made billions creating entertainment and alcohol with a skinny woman on the bottle to make us feel chic.

The person who invented hand sanitizer is clever.  Enabling us to go to the grocery store, gas station and Disney World without contracting SARS or the Swine Flu.

The inventor of Spanx is clever, she created a way for us to hide our muffin tops so we could leave the house feeling better about our bodies.

The list goes on and on of women who came up with great ideas and inventions that have ultimately helped women and families.

But guess who is not going on that list?

You!!!

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

You three bitches will go down in history as the assholes who made millions by creating extra work for parents during the busy holiday season.

Don’t even think about telling me that it’s a tool to help the kids to behave either.

Earlier I got a quick snapshot of the regular goings-on in the Gaga household.

kids2

Please note the kids are wrestling in front of a table that is housing a nativity scene as well as the elf…..

Nobody cares.

When the elf arrives the kids try to behave for like two days  one day  one hour 

Nobody cares.

In closing, I just want to tell you one last time that you have to live with yourselves knowing that you have caused annoyance and headaches for parents across the land.

Also, my elf has something to say….

Picture

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

FA LA LA LA!!!! SHARE ON FACEBOOK IF YOU THINK THIS ELF STUFF IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

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33 responses »

  1. Hilarious and so freaking true!! As I was fighting my husband one night over whose turn it was to hide the little shit… I thought you might have something to say about it. Thanks for the continuous laughs!

    Reply
  2. hahahaha

    we are anti elf in this house. even our kids think it/he’s creepy.

    Reply
  3. It’s just plain stupid! Wasting precious time taking pictures of a toy elf, uploading them & commenting. How many hours do people waste when that time could be used for something creative. Oh, gotta go, I’m wasting time commenting on this stupid site.

    Reply
  4. Hate that damn elf on a shelf…that is why I refuse to buy one or have one…My MIL offered to buy me one, and I told her NO I don’t want it..that thing is strange looking and just too much trouble to deal with..and if your kids won’t behave for you..what the hell makes you think they are going to behave for a fucking creepy looking elf??? Ridiculous!

    Reply
  5. I love this! I refuse to buy one of these even though my son has begged and begged. I think they are ridiculously expensive and I don’t have the energy for it.

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  6. Oh, how I love being Jewish this time of year!

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  7. Thanks for the laugh. I just discovered your blog today, while going through Skinny Scoop. I always thought the Elf on a Shelf was just a room decoration. I had no idea it was such a parental burden! I’m Jewish and someone tried to market this to my people this year — the Mensch on a Bench. Sold out through 2014!!!

    Reply
  8. Lady Goo Goo Gaga, I love you.

    Reply
  9. “Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….”

    I try … oh, how I try … not to be a Scrooge. But seriously, I now have 24 Christmas Eves to contend with in the month of December. Of course, we’ve bucked the system and designated ours as a sweet and helpful elf. Burned out lightbulb? Voila! Herme has changed it by morning. Forgot to fold the laundry before bedtime? No problem. Herme will take care of it while we sleep. At least this way I can get some damned work done in my “down time.”

    And one more thing before I go … Because I, like so many other guilty mothers around the world, have succumbed to the little sucker, I wanted to share with you my foolproof plan to remember to take care of business where he is concerned every night.

    I booby trap myself. (Totally serious.)

    Every night before things get too late, I put a few plastic containers (lotions, hair stuff, etc.) on the floor in the middle of the bathroom. My kids know that’s my technique for remembering something (a la string around finger). Then, in the middle of the night when my aging bladder predictably wakes me, I get up to pee and, in a groggy stupor, kick the bottles across the floor of the darkened bathroom (my high-tech alarm) thus jarring myself into awareness. Am I pissed that I then have to put on a robe and slippers because I’m freezing to go deal with the little minion? Shit, yeah. I’m pissed. But I do it anyway. Because I’m awesome.

    Great post! Thanks for linking up with Ketchup. Merry Christmas!

    Reply
  10. Reblogged this on To Be Honest… and commented:
    What a great post!!! Special Thanks to Lady Goo Goo Gaga!

    Reply
  11. The Elf-Barbie picture is gold! )))) i want to put this as a background on my phone…

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  12. Hilarious!! I was laughing out loud through this whole post. And I LOVE the picture of Kevin’s mom from Home Alone b/c that is EXACTLY how I feel every night as soon as I lie down and then remember the damned elf. Perfection!

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  13. Well pretty soon none of you will have to worry about the elf. Your kids will be all grown up and you will have other more serious shit to worry about. I bought the elf for my kids, I made the decision knowing what it meant, I love the giggles, the smiles, the innocence of them believing. Why don’t you all tell them Santa Claus is not real that way you don’t have to go around doing Xmass shopping, hiding presents and wrapping them. I doubt someone put a gun in your head and made you buy the elf. I think you are all just jealous that you didn’t think of the idea and you cant enjoy all the millions of $$$$’s

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  14. I think we need to come the overzealous mothers that created this foolishness. It was Elf on the Shelf, not Elf baking cookies, or wreaking havoc. Seriously???

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  15. My favorite was the wrecking ball pic.

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  16. Hagan Ritchie Bush

    HILARIOUS!!! I have stuck it out and refused to buy one. I expect my kids to behave out of respect for me and my husband. Since they are 6 and 7 and boys and it is inevitable that they will misbehave, I tell them I have Santa’s cell phone and will be more than happy to give him a call. That seems to work just great and it’s FREE!! This was the funniest thing I have read all day. I break out into that same cold sweat when I forget about the tooth fairy, which I have, every single time. I then have to find some creative way to sneak the money under the pillow with the kids looking away. We are already under so much pressure. So right on!!! Merry Christmas to you. The is no elf at my house.

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  17. Three twats with double chins….wow. I laughed up until that comment….wow.

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  18. So. Don’t buy the elf. Have the elf and don’t want it anymore? Goodwill! Tell the kids it’s at another kid’s house now.

    Really. That’s all there is to it. Problem solved.

    Supermoms only have themselves to blame.

    Reply
  19. Pingback: And the winner is…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  20. We have the Elf on the Shelf, and that’s what she (Elfie) is in our house: an Elf. On. A Shelf. She sits, watches over the kids for Santa and reports back to him. And THAT’S IT! My kids don’t know any different. Its wonderful!! :) If it weren’t for Fbook, I wouldn’t even know you were supposed to do anything else w/it??!! People are crazy. CRAZY I tell you!!

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  21. I’ve seen many things on Facebook today and in the past few days that make fun of parents that have brought an Elf on the Shelf into their homes. And that bums me out a little. I chose to start this tradition for my boys and they LOVE it. It’s for them, just them. It’s pretty cool to watch their eyes light up every morning for a month when they find their Elf doing something funny (not naughty) around the house. Remember when Christmas used to be about joy and wonderment? I sure miss those days…

    Reply
  22. Really hate those little elves!!!!! Would never waste money on one & they scare the hell out of some little children. This was one of your best blogs!!! Could not stop laughing. Keep up the great work. Love you Laydee!

    Reply
  23. Pingback: A Diary of Elf-sanity, brought to you by my Friends & Family | Huppie Mama

  24. Freaking brilliant..

    Reply
  25. Pingback: What I learned in 2013…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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