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Swingtown USA


Thanks for all of the comments last week about the Halloween candy!! The thought never occurred to me to send it overseas and that’s what we decided to do!!

I have mentioned many times my concern about American women having too much time on their hands and not quite knowing how to direct the energy and time with purpose and meaning!

In particular – I was horrified to learn last year that millions of women across America were spending their days “enjoying 50 Shades of Grey” a little too much for my taste.

I was reminded of everyone’s obsession with sex, yet again when I read a news story recently about a couple that was having sex at the WAFFLE HOUSE in Georgia.

They were very drunk and naked when the police told them they needed to put their clothes on and that they were under arrest.

Apparently the woman just sat there naked and when prompted by police to go ahead and get dressed, she put a cheeseburger on her foot because she thought it was her sandal.

Her parents must be proud...

I mean you just can’t make this shit up…

I know what your thinking….

That kind of stuff only happens at the WAFFLE HOUSE in Georgia…

I have news for you…..

There are horndogs everywhere.

EVEN IN THE SUBURBS OF CONNECTICUT!

It has come to light that in this “little town of perfection” that I live in – there’s been some scandalous behaviors.

Lately, I have heard more and more about many couples who are invited to parties in town and when they arrive they find out it is in fact a swingers party!

Am I the only one that finds the concept of swinging alarming?

I mean it’s not enough that I have to clean my toilets, cook dinner, raise my children, and maintain my own marriage…

I have to be nice to you mothers at the playground, and at the bus stop, I have to join playgroups and pretend that your kids are cute and now you expect me to fucking bang YOUR HUSBAND TOO????

WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END??

Are you all out of your minds??

First of all – I just know that if I ever agreed to this I would get stuck with the doughiest, nerdiest loser husband….

chrisfarley

I just don’t understand….

We have all wanted to murder our husbands.

We have been up in the middle of the night while feeding or rocking a screaming baby and looked over at our husband while he drools and snores and considered taking a pillow and smothering him to death.

We have all gotten into fights about mundane stuff (like when he ruins Christmas) and stopped speaking to our husbands.

So I get how people could possibly lose that spark with their spouse.

If Mr. Gaga and I lost our spark- I would spend a lot of time watching “Real Housewives,” reading and going to the gym.

Hmm...should I finish this book and this cigarette??  Or should I go do the "69" with the neighbor's husband??

Hmm…This is boring…..should I finish this book and this cigarette?? Or should I go do the “69” with my neighbor’s husband??

Apparently other women are much hornier than I am…..

bree

Take these muffins – I’m here to screw your hubby….

Please tell me on what planet do you secure a babysitter, take a shower, get dressed, get in the car, arrive at your friend’s house and promptly do the nasty with her husband?

I mean she’s the one who signed up to live with and have sex with this guy and now I have to do all of her dirty work?? I don’t think so…..

“Can you believe it?” I demanded of Mr. Gaga when we heard about a neighborhood nearby where swinging is all the rage.  “I mean there’s not one person’s husband I would want to have sex with! It’s disgusting!!”

“I don’t think it’s that they want to have sex with the people…it’s more about the adventure and scandal of it.” he explained.

Um – ok so the point of swinging is that you are all so bored to tears with your dreadful little lives that you are going to have sex with some strange man from the suburbs??

Do you think this is going to prove to be exciting???

EEEEWWWW!!!!

What if they are fat or hairy?

What if they fart? What if they smell bad? What if their feet smell or they have a long toenail that scratches your leg?

What if they have noisehairs or earhairs?

OR what if they have a lot of gray hair? What if they are way older than you??

Oh my God……..What if they have gray hair on their peep??!!!!

The lists of possible turn-offs are endless!!!

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO GO DOWN THIS ROAD WOMEN OF SUBURBIA???

I hope you don't mind -I have to wear this....

I hope you don’t mind -I have to wear this….

Well – Mr. Gaga and I are just not the swinging type.

And just in case anyone is thinking of inviting us to swing – please know that we are very cool and very entertaining and we think very highly of ourselves…..

Mr. Gaga put his foot down and made an executive decision that there would be only one couple we should consider swinging with…

and this is our final decision – so don’t even bother asking us……

brad-p-mr-smith-004

EVEN THOUGH I REFUSE TO BANG YOUR HUSBAND YOU SHOULD STILL CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA….

xo, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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8 responses »

  1. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard…. I too have often thought this like are I kidding me how weird!

    Reply
  2. Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious. I never understood it either!!!

    Reply
  3. Even worse than all of those “what if” is “What if he’s better in bed than your husband?” Yikes, how is that going to work out well in the long run, and if he isn’t then why the hell bother?! And I totally agree on the one couple you would choose!

    Reply
  4. Again, so damn funny!

    Reply
  5. I wrote my comment half cracking up…and apparently my husband reads your blog as well and told me – my comment didn’t make sense. :)

    Reply
  6. I have a theory about this whole swingers thing and I think I’m right. There are rumors swirling that there’s a big swingers culture in a neighboring town. Its a much more wealthy, affluent town than my own. Many of the moms are younger and more attractive than their husbands. Did they marry for money- I mean, what do you think? So my theory is that swinging is just an excuse for women who married older, fat, balding, rich guys, to get to have sex with someone they might be slightly attracted to. Doesn’t it make sense??! I for one, am very attracted to my own husband (I mean, we are poor, so not like I married for that!!) and therefore wouldn’t ever let another woman touch him, let alone go be with someone else myself. Its madness!!!

    Reply
  7. thank you thank you thank you for making me truly “lol” on this crazy pre-thanksgiving prep day… I don’t get it either! but have to disagree … no brangelina couple for us ;)

    Reply

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