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BAD MOTHER


Time to get back into the swing of things.

And by “back,” I mean the kids went to school for two days and then we skipped Friday to take a long weekend at the beach.

I mean how much school can someone take in August?

Anyways – I was a bit concerned that all of the sun and laid back beach time was making the kids a bit lazy. When I asked them what activities they wanted to do they didn’t seem to be interested in anything.

Now that they are 6 and 7 I feel that they should kind of have some interests outside of video games and Spongebob. I convinced one to take soccer and the other to take tennis.

That’s enough. Then Michael announced he would like to take drums, so I agreed to that. Then they both decided they would like to play flag football. Now starting this week I am going to be one of those crazed mothers driving from practice to practice everyday.

I really wanted to enjoy this last weekend of freedom. I wanted to make it a point not to even think about the fall schedule until after the weekend.

Last night, (the last night of the summer) I fed the kids some mac and cheese from the box and plopped them in front of the television. I poured myself some wine and headed out onto the deck with a few family members, determined to have a nice night.

This should do it...I just black out in no time....

This should do it…I’ll black out in no time….

Maybe that’s why when a bunch of old friends came over unexpectedly with vodka in hand, I was a little to quick to down the most delicious martinis I ever had.

We were all out on the deck, and people kept hearing the party and joining in. The more people who came the more shithoused Mr. Gaga and I became.

And then some lawyer or cop showed up with possibly the best party entertainment ever…a breathalyzer. It got passed around and it became almost a competition to see who could get the highest number.

Needless to say- Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

Needless to say, even though it was the highest one of the night, Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

It just seemed that whenever I thought I was getting a little tipsy I would blow a .12 and then everyone would boo me at the party and I would have no choice but to down another martini.

At some point well into my third or fourth martini, a girl I had met only once before asked me if I had children.

I stared at her drunkenly. “Yes…..Oh shit….I DO have children!! I totally forgot!”

I ran inside and found Michael watching tv as though it was any other night. Sam was missing. I looked at the clock.

Oh shit....

Oh shit….

I stumbled over to the microwave…

This would fall into the category of "bad parenting..."

This would fall into the category of “bad parenting…”

“That’s it!” I said with authority.”It is WAY past your bedtime young man!”

Michael looked at me and shrugged. He got up and went to bed, which is where I noticed that poor Sam was under his covers.  He had, under the duress of having no mother, taken it upon himself to go to bed.

With the kids officially out of my hair the party continued.

I served everyone shots in votive candle holders because I couldn’t find shot glasses and things got really crazy.

When we finally went to bed it was around 2.

Needless to say when the kids woke up in the morning things weren’t pretty.

 

drunk-girl

I could barely speak or function.

I looked at poor Sam and he was still in the clothes he had on the day before.

I desperately needed an egg and cheese sandwich so I drove myself to the nearest place I could find and squealed up on two wheels.

I came back with coffee for the kids and a breakfast sandwich for Mr. Gaga.

When we felt that we could mildly function after downing eight gallons of water and our greasy sandwiches, we went to the beach and were able to hold it together somewhat until the lunch picnic we were planning on going to got cancelled.

There was no way I could suddenly go from worst mother ever to great mother of the year and come up with a healthy lunch.

I gave the kids a few bucks and sent them to the ice cream truck for lunch.

After a while they came back and gave me change and said that they were full – and could they save their lunch for later and handed me what was left.

These are huge jawbreakers....apparently otherwise known as "lunch"

These are huge jawbreakers. They are large sugar balls that can break your jaw…and apparently are otherwise known as “lunch.”

I have made it through the day.  I am utterly exhausted but I eked out this blog post miraculously.

All I can say is as far as parenting goes….it’s gotta be all uphill from here.

Happy Labor Day!

Don’t judge me…..

IT’S NOT A MOST SOBER MOM CONTEST -IT’S FUNNIEST…..SO JUST CLICK ON THE DANG THING… XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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11 responses »

  1. You are the worst Mom ever! Thank you for making me look good and laugh my head off.

    Reply
  2. You wanted an egg & cheese sandwich? You mean you didn’t want Chicken McNuggets? You didn’t go off like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF0IhyAasWw

    Reply
  3. Omg Lisa!!! Lol!!! So funny!!! That’s would have been me if they said they ran out of egg and cheese sandwiches…..

    Reply
  4. I would love to share an egg and cheese sandwich with you and share my feelings of bad fatherhood.

    My 3 girls – 17, 10, and 9 (10 and 9 celebrate their birthday this week), are involved in high school cheerleading, drums & brown belt in judo, and softball. So, basically, Bobina and I are too poor and busy to be drunken slob parents. Instead, I just pop more pills and beg for one child to bail on a practice every once in a while ‘caus daddy has books to write.

    hang in there

    Reply
  5. Where have you been all my life?! Easily my new favorite “mommy” blog. Catching up on all the goodness. I have laughed out loud so many times, my 4 yr old twins are all up in my biz about whats so funny. Im also a great parent, so I told them it was pointless to show them since they cant read, and that it was grown up stuff that I wasn’t going to read aloud (shaming and excluding at the same time takes skill, you know). Also, I would have been that neighbor who brought over bourbon after the vodka ran out. Nothing like the hangover dry-heaves while making your kids breakfast, amirite?

    Reply
  6. Where have you been all my life? This is easily my new favorite blog. I have laughed so much reading old entries that my 4 yr old twins want to know what’s so funny. I’m also a ” bad mom” so I told them not only was it pointless to show them because they can’t read, but it was ” grown up stuff” so I wasn’t going to read it aloud either. Shaming and excluding at the same time takes practice, ya know. Also, I would have been the neighbor who brought over the bourbon to help us all win the breathylyser game. Nothing like hangover dry-heaves from the smell of the breakfast you are making for the kids, amirite?

    Reply
  7. Pingback: Lady Goo Goo Gaga – BAD MOTHER | Lily Pad

  8. This blog made my day! I really laughed my heart out while reading this blog. Thank you so much!

    Reply
  9. Pingback: Lady Goo Goo Gaga – Bad Mother |

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