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Monthly Archives: September 2013

Putting the cart before the rest of us….


Well, well, well….

Remember when I posted the following, (after I went to Disney World) and many of you blasted me with hate emails????

Well, I hate to say it, but by the size of the humans that were walking around, zipping around on motorized carts, in Disney World, …. Everywhere we went we were met with hoards of overweight people with Mickey Mouse ears on and fanny packs strapped onto their motorized carts.

This is a very common scene...tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas....
This is a very common scene…tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas….These people only left their carts so they could get a good seat for the parade.

“I’m sorry did I miss the episode of the Mickey Mouse Club when Mickey announced he loved fat people and soda?” I asked Mr. Gaga. “I don’t get it.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we were making our way through the crowds of obese people.

“Well they are fat because they drink soda and the fact that they are so fat and lazy that they can’t walk doesn’t help,” he pointed out. I looked around and realized at the moment that about half of the people in the park were driving carts and half were walking. “Oh my God!” I exclaimed, “I thought everyone was injured!” Mr. Gaga stared at me like I was an idiot.

When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!
When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!

After a few days in the Magic Kingdom we made our way to Epcot Center. “Hey did you notice there aren’t any motorized carts here?” Mr. Gaga pointed out. “Oh yeah…I wonder why?” I said as I looked over the map of the Epcot. “Oh!! I bet we will see them in “America!”

After enjoying music, culture and food in Japan, France, Italy and Mexico I was afraid to see what “America” had to offer.

“It’s just going to be big enormous people laying on couches everywhere eating McDonalds and drinking huge sodas.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we made our way.

“Or enormous children playing video games,” Mr. Gaga offered.

We were pleasantly surprised that neither of those features were the focus of the America showcase in Epcot.

Thank God….it would be totally embarrassing if the world found out the truth about us.

It’s best to keep this little soda problem a secret between you, me, Mickey Mouse and Mayor Bloomberg.

Well it looks like even OLD MICKEY MOUSE HIMSELF recognized that these motorized carters were imposters!!

Pretending that they can’t walk so they can zip to the front of every line!!!!!

The jig is up motorized cart people.

The jig is up.

Disney World issued a statement this week that they would modify the rules that allowed everyone who is in a motorized cart to just zip in front of the 500 people who have waited in the hot sweaty lines for 2 hours.

While it is important to allow special needs children to get in front of the line – because clearly it is a priority for them – it is NOT a priority for people who abuse the system.

Funny enough – we chose this week to go to the BIG E – which is basically a the ultimate in New England fairs.  It’s much dirtier than Disney, and much less rides and much trashier food.

Also – there’s no mouse – so they make do with whatever white trash mascot they can think of.  Here – the kids begged me to play a game where they would win – what appears to be a banana that is a Rastafarian??

banana

Also – this fair is pretty big – but not nearly as big as Disney, so there aren’t as many motorized carts.

But I did take some time to actually observe the motorized carters when I saw them.

I noticed one couple had filled the basket in front of their cart with cigarettes, lighters and fried doughs.

The irony was not lost on me.

The main point of this fair is to eat ungodly things that no human should ever eat -

I kicked it off with fried pickles….

pickle

Remember when I blogged about Mr. Gaga’s Irish tendencies??

Well Mr. Gaga took it one step further by ordering this…..

balls

This is called “fried shephard’s pie” …smothered with gravy….
Yes. It’s true.

So then it was time to feed the kids.

Usual requests include burgers and pizza.

“I want one of those.” Michael said pointing to a food stand.

“Are you sure? You have never had one…..you might not like it.”

“I want one.” he said positively.

“Ok.” I answered hesitantly.

It was my first time too and it was fucking delicious.

dog

While we were on a roll with the white trash foods – I took a gamble and decided we should try one of the Big E specialties.

It’s called the Craz-E burger.

If you guessed that this was a bacon cheeseburger placed gently in between two glazed doughnuts, then you would be correct....

If you guessed that this was a bacon cheeseburger placed gently in between two glazed doughnuts, then you would be correct….

I have to say – it was pretty good!!

Now does anyone know where I can buy a motorized cart??

SORRY EVERYONE!!  BUT FAIR IS FAIR!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW SO I CAN BE THE NUMBER ONE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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Rainbow Doom


Over the summer the kids starting collecting bracelets from camp.  One kind in particular they got at a friend’s house and they fought over them and took special care to not lose.

This kind was made out of small rubber bands and the kids started asking me to buy them some sort of bracelet making device (a Rainbow loom) so that they could make these special bracelets.

I ignored them of course.

School started and the kids would come home telling me about all of the kids that had “Rainbow Loom” bracelets at school.

Then at work I noticed a couple of people (adults) wearing the bracelets.

At a store a couple of weeks ago, Michael saw the bracelet maker on the shelf and begged me to buy it.

“It’s  $20 Michael! Really? Are you guys going to sit around making bracelets? Plus we don’t even know how to do it…”

I asked my friend if she had one.  “Oh yes, I was up all night making bracelets for all of their friends,” she answered.

“Why?”

“Because the kids who don’t have the Rainbow loom ask my kids to make one for them, and it takes too long so I end up making it….” she answered.

That got me thinking.

“Boys – if you want a bracelet ask your friends to make you one.” I suggested the next day.

They came home with a couple more after that, but still weren’t satisfied.

Michael actually started crying one night this week because he had less bracelets than Sam and “Why can’t we just have a rainbow loom?”

“Because we don’t know how to do it!!” I said with despair. “If we know how to use it – maybe we can get one.”

I mentioned the whole phenomenon to my friend Martha. “ Oh – you can actually take a Rainbow loom class at the toy store in the center of town!” she said knowingly.

Um…no.  We are definitely not doing that.

I tried to envision Mr. Gaga coming home from work and asking us what we did that day and me replying,

“We took a bracelet class.”

"A toast to Michael completing his first course in bracelet-making...."

“A toast to Michael completing his first course in bracelet-making….”

We had plans to visit a friend and her 3-year-old and 6 year-old Friday night and I called her to confirm.

“I have to call you back – I am in Toys R’ Us spending like $100 on Rainbow loom stuff….”

When she called me back I mentioned how I found the whole thing ridiculous….

“Oh we can show you how to do it tonight when you come over…” she answered.

That night when we all sat down around the Rainbow loom ready to learn – I peered down at her  tackle box filled with rubber bands and the loom, thinking it didn’t really look like $100 worth of stuff.

We waited for her son to start making a bracelet.

“Oh no – he can’t do it….it’s too hard for him.  I make them and the kids watch.” she said matter-of-factly getting started on a bracelet for Sam.

If it's for children 8 and up and your children are 3 and up - it looks like you will be doing a lot of jewelry-making....

If it’s for children 8 and up and your children are 3 and up – it looks like you will be doing a lot of jewelry-making….

I stared in shock while she diligently made everyone a bracelet.  “Don’t worry I was up until 2 in the morning watching YouTube videos so I could figure out how to do this…” she said.

“WHAT??”

“What?? How else would I learn?” she asked with exasperation.

Do you know what I do at 2 in the morning?

passed_out_drunk_girls_1003

This is what I look like…except sometimes my boob is sticking of my tank top…..

I mean is everyone completely off their rockers??

When did children’s arts and crafts activities become our problem?

I spent many a day doing arts and crafts when I was young and I never once thought to ask my mother to do it for me.

potholder

If ever you don’t want to burn your hand on a hot item, I can whip up one of these bad boys for you in no time….

As I have asked many times before…does nobody have anything to do anymore??

Why does every mother in America spend their every waking second thinking up ways to entertain their children?

It’s not enough that we have to waste our life away cutting up our kids’ lunches into tic- tac- toe boards, and making Star Wars cookies now we have to actually do their arts and crafts projects for them?

Isn’t the whole point of the bracelet making to enjoy the actual making of the bracelet?? And then reaping the reward of the completed project?

Now arts and crafts projects are projects done by mothers while their lazy children watch?

WHY must we DO EVERYTHING for these children??

WHY??

Isn’t the point of the “arts and crafts” to enjoy the art and the craft and then at the end of the “arting” and the “crafting” you can enjoy your potholder or your bracelet?

Do you think that the “Tiger moms” in China are sitting around looming fucking rubber bracelets for their kids??

No!

They are not!

They are beating them with their violin sticks and telling them to study the periodic table of elements!!

In other countries, little boys are like building a hut for their family or plowing a field, while our boys can’t even make one pathetic little bracelet.

As it stands, after all was said and done, we watched my friend make the bracelets and then we went home.

We still don’t know how to make them.

We still don’t have the loom of doom…..

I’m hoping the next fad to sweep the nation is potholder making…..I am totally going to be in on that one……

RIGHT NOW I AM THE #2 FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER SO I CAN BE #1!!!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Mondays Mailer Button

Caillou Creator responds to LGGG


Once again –  Lady Goo Goo Gaga had a great week via social media!!

Thank you to all that commented and shared my blog last week. Whether it was my commentary on absurd baby nurseries or absurd Pottery Barn lunches I appreciate all of your comments and likes!!
The beauty of blogging is that it gets your voice out there into the world – and it’s nice to hear some voices responding back to what I write.
This reminded me that I am overdue in sharing some Facebook messages that I received a few months ago.
I met a couple in town a couple of weeks ago through a mutual friend.  The couple was French and had a few older children.  They spoke with thick French accents and we were getting along famously exchanging parenting stories and experiences.
As we were talking, inevitably my blog came up.  In an effort to explain it, I said “Oh, you know I just blog about stuff that’s annoying like…Caillou.”
“What’s Caillou?” the woman inquired.
“Oh, it’s a cartoon about a boy who is actually French…the woman who created him is from Quebec.” I answered.
“And why is annoying?” she asked firmly.
“Um….well you know…he whines… he’s annoying and bratty….”
“Hmmm…well the creator must have made him a brat for the American audience…” she sniffed.  “We don’t let children behave like the Americans…”
She was dead serious and then it occurred to me, she might be right.
Maybe I was too quick to throw show creator, Helene Desputeaux, and illustrator, Michel Aubin, under the bus…maybe they thought they were making Calliou and his asshole family and cats relatable to us fat, stupid Americans. Maybe she thinks that all American parents are dumb and too lazy to change out of their enormous turtleneck sweaters.
Did you think if you just had these losers rolling around on a blanket eating sandwiches all day then we would like them? Nice try Frenchies...nice try.

Did you think if you just had these losers rolling around on a blanket eating sandwiches all day then we would like them? Nice try Frenchies…nice try.

I am more offended than ever!! These French people are constantly writing books about how much better than us they are.  They raise nice smart children and we raise bratty whiners, they are skinny and we are fat.
We get it French people!! You are better and skinnier parents than us….but Caillou is where I draw the line!!!!
Look how fucking pasty and puffy these people are!! I am sorry to disappoint you Michel but all American mothers do not have a huge muffin-top!

Look how fucking pasty and puffy these people are!! I am sorry to disappoint you Michel but all American mothers and grandmothers do not have huge muffin-tops that hang over their pants and ill-fitting headbands!  This is just rude!!

A few months ago, both the creator as well as the illustrator, reached out to me with desperate messages of redemption, after reading my post about how much I hate Caillou.
If I could remember any French I think I would be a lot better off – but I will try to interpret as best as I can.
Below is the Facebook message sent by Helene….
Hélène Desputeaux I’m the creator of caillou. L’éditeur et cinar/ cookie jar ont “adapté” mon visuel sans mon autorisation … Caillou, dans mon œuvre n’est qu’un petit bébé, pas un “mésadapté”, voire déficient de 4 ans, sans cheveux. On n’a jamais tenu compte de mon avis, mon expertise de pédagogue et de mon travail de créatrice. Alors, SVP, ne me mettez pas l’insignifiance de cette série sur le dos. Je n’y suis pour rien! Le caillou de cinar/cookie jar: the silly killer of my life and work!
If I understand correctly I think it basically says that Caillou is her “petite baby” and that she loves him.  I think that “sans cheveux” means “without a hat” – so I think that’s a reference to the fact that he has alopecia and he apparently lost his hat.I thought the “cookie jar” was some reference to us being fat again but in the end I think she is saying that “cookie jar” is the production company that “killed her life and work.”

For a split second I felt sad for her – because basically I was making fun of her creation….but then I took one more gander at the kid….
Here he is having one of his famous temper tantrums.  Ugh, I am sorry Helene for your troubles...but this kid is a huge douchebag....

Here he is having one of his famous temper tantrums. Ugh, I am sorry Helene for your troubles…but this kid is a huge douchebag….

And then this more concise message came from show illustrator, Michel Aubin:
michel aubin | July 24, 2013 at 1:40 pm | Edit

bonjour !

To children, desputeaux+aubin offers albums, like so many hugs and kisses, that portray the colourful little world of Hélène Desputeaux, the creator of Caillou. In 2006, because of never-ending legal hearings concerning her baby Caillou …and after having seen her graphic universe transformed in a multitude of reproductions, …Hélène Desputeaux set up, with Michel Aubin, her own production house…then, holding brush and pencil, Hélène Desputeaux has been creating new books with her genuine baby Caillou, her little Mella and a string of endearing characters! … in 2012 Hélène Desputeaux wait after her royalties from cinar/cookiejar/dhx and she always don’t know what they do with her graphic universe … with her Caillou … and finally she learn by canadian press that Caillou was sold again ! and so  it’s a « wagonload of Caillou license deals » … always with her graphic universe … with her Caillou  ! a wagonload of suprise !

Voilà !

merci
 au plaisir … et salutations du Québec !

M i c h e l   A u b i n 
http://www.desputeauxaubin.com


So basically – that’s confirming in fact that neither of these people are taking responsiblity for Caillou’s behavior.  Basically – it is the fault of the Americans and “Cookie Jar” productions that Caillou is a huge asshole that is bald and prone to tantrums.
In closing, I think Michel said it best when he said that
“Caillou is a wagonload of surprise.”
That’s putting it nicely.
The message here is clear.
If you want your children to grow up wearing normal clothes sans puffy turtlenecks, and you would like them to respond appropriately to disappointments in life without melting into huge temper tantrums, then avoid the Caillou program at all costs.
Thanks, don’t say I didn’t warn you…..twice!! CLICK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA
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New Baby Insanity


 

Thanks so much to everyone who has shared my Pottery Barn post these past few weeks.  I am so grateful when people appreciate and laugh at a post enough to share it.

 

Admittedly when I started having kids I really wasn’t too in to it.

I never really said or thought aloud “I can’t wait to have a baby.” It was more that in theory I knew that I wanted to have a family.

When I decided to try to get pregnant, I was figuring that it would take me forever to get pregnant like so many people who I know, and that by the time I did I would be ready for a baby.

Of course, as luck would have it, I stopped taking the pill and Mr. Gaga kind of just hugged me and I was pregnant.

I was in a state of shock from that point, until basically very recently.

So, I never got into the whole “baby” thing.  I never really got obsessed with my baby or baby clothes or baby rooms or any of that.

One of my friends just recently had a baby (8 years after me.) To say that I am over the “baby” stage is putting mildly.

When I went to visit her this weekend I was speechless.

Just to give you a little picture of what we are dealing with, right off the bat there had been a 4 hour photo shoot scheduled when the baby had been home from the hospital for 2 days.

The home is already riddled with photos from said shoot in frames, mugs, collages, magnets, everything you can imagine that can have a photo attached to it.

The baby is 6 weeks old.

Here’s an example of one of the photos:

Please note that the husband and wife have placed their jewelry on the 2 day old baby's teeny tiny toes threatening to break them off - and then presented their hand in the shape of a heart around the feet....precious.

Please note that the husband and wife have placed their jewelry on the 2 day old baby’s teeny tiny toes threatening to break them off – and then presented their hand in the shape of a heart around the feet….precious.

I’m sorry – when my baby was home on Day 2 I was in a complete state of shock. Any spare moment I had was spent putting ice packs on my cooch and rubbing lanolin on my nipples….the thought never once crossed my mind to take off all my jewelry and put it on the baby’s toes.

I know that it’s very cute to see baby’s in strange adult like positions and we all have admired an Anne Geddes calendar or two – but really to put your baby in compromising positions just seems a bit much.

I recently saw this on Pinterest and found it just plain offensive:

Did you really stick your baby into a mailbox in the forest?? Really?

Did you really stick your baby into a mailbox in the forest?? Really?

What will you say to this child when she grows up, and she demands that you remove it from the wall because she’s mortified?

“Mom, I hate that picture can you take it down?”

“No honey, it’s so cute! Your father and I thought it was important that we have something to remember you by, so we covered you with paper packaging shred and stuck you in a mailbox and brought you out into the woods!  Then we stuck two rotten tennis balls next to you and took a picture! It’s precious!”

So after I got over being inundated with photographs, I ventured into the baby’s room and more specifically her closet.

This is only one half of the closet.  Did I mention that the child is 6 weeks old? Please note the all important baby chandelier that has somehow become a staple for children's bedrooms.

This is only one half of the closet. Did I mention that the child is 6 weeks old? Please note the all important baby chandelier that has somehow become a staple for children’s bedrooms.

Please note the newborn size tiara's on the shelf...I believe that tiara was placed on the baby's head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess....

Please note the newborn size tiaras on the shelf…I believe that tiara was placed on the baby’s head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately as she entered into the world that she was a princess….

Oh wait – be sure to check out the shoes department of the closet.

shoes

“Janie – you know this child will never wear any of these shoes.” I said in awe of the collection.

“Yes she will! They are sooo cute!” she replied, with such naive cluelessness that I had to just agree and not bother trying to explain that newborn babies don’t really need shoes.

That’s the thing about new moms – they think they know.  They think they are going to be the one mom whose baby wears a different pair of shoes every day until she’s 2 months old.

I guess these were for in case she makes a trip to the moon....

I guess these were for in case she makes a trip to the moon….

As I was leaving the room I noticed a little basket that was not flashy and not princess-like at all….

books

“What the hell? You have like 35 baby Louboutins and then you only have 7 books!!!”

My friend just shrugged and laughed.

Suffice it to say – this friend might be featured frequently on this blog….And also suffice it to say- she’s going to kill me after she reads this.

Some things I can’t resist.

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW -EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT A BABY PERSON!! IT’S FOR FUNNIEST MOM NOT MOST WARM AND FUZZY!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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BAD MOTHER


Time to get back into the swing of things.

And by “back,” I mean the kids went to school for two days and then we skipped Friday to take a long weekend at the beach.

I mean how much school can someone take in August?

Anyways – I was a bit concerned that all of the sun and laid back beach time was making the kids a bit lazy. When I asked them what activities they wanted to do they didn’t seem to be interested in anything.

Now that they are 6 and 7 I feel that they should kind of have some interests outside of video games and Spongebob. I convinced one to take soccer and the other to take tennis.

That’s enough. Then Michael announced he would like to take drums, so I agreed to that. Then they both decided they would like to play flag football. Now starting this week I am going to be one of those crazed mothers driving from practice to practice everyday.

I really wanted to enjoy this last weekend of freedom. I wanted to make it a point not to even think about the fall schedule until after the weekend.

Last night, (the last night of the summer) I fed the kids some mac and cheese from the box and plopped them in front of the television. I poured myself some wine and headed out onto the deck with a few family members, determined to have a nice night.

This should do it...I just black out in no time....

This should do it…I’ll black out in no time….

Maybe that’s why when a bunch of old friends came over unexpectedly with vodka in hand, I was a little to quick to down the most delicious martinis I ever had.

We were all out on the deck, and people kept hearing the party and joining in. The more people who came the more shithoused Mr. Gaga and I became.

And then some lawyer or cop showed up with possibly the best party entertainment ever…a breathalyzer. It got passed around and it became almost a competition to see who could get the highest number.

Needless to say- Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

Needless to say, even though it was the highest one of the night, Mr. Gaga was disappointed with his 2.5 score.

It just seemed that whenever I thought I was getting a little tipsy I would blow a .12 and then everyone would boo me at the party and I would have no choice but to down another martini.

At some point well into my third or fourth martini, a girl I had met only once before asked me if I had children.

I stared at her drunkenly. “Yes…..Oh shit….I DO have children!! I totally forgot!”

I ran inside and found Michael watching tv as though it was any other night. Sam was missing. I looked at the clock.

Oh shit....

Oh shit….

I stumbled over to the microwave…

This would fall into the category of "bad parenting..."

This would fall into the category of “bad parenting…”

“That’s it!” I said with authority.”It is WAY past your bedtime young man!”

Michael looked at me and shrugged. He got up and went to bed, which is where I noticed that poor Sam was under his covers.  He had, under the duress of having no mother, taken it upon himself to go to bed.

With the kids officially out of my hair the party continued.

I served everyone shots in votive candle holders because I couldn’t find shot glasses and things got really crazy.

When we finally went to bed it was around 2.

Needless to say when the kids woke up in the morning things weren’t pretty.

 

drunk-girl

I could barely speak or function.

I looked at poor Sam and he was still in the clothes he had on the day before.

I desperately needed an egg and cheese sandwich so I drove myself to the nearest place I could find and squealed up on two wheels.

I came back with coffee for the kids and a breakfast sandwich for Mr. Gaga.

When we felt that we could mildly function after downing eight gallons of water and our greasy sandwiches, we went to the beach and were able to hold it together somewhat until the lunch picnic we were planning on going to got cancelled.

There was no way I could suddenly go from worst mother ever to great mother of the year and come up with a healthy lunch.

I gave the kids a few bucks and sent them to the ice cream truck for lunch.

After a while they came back and gave me change and said that they were full – and could they save their lunch for later and handed me what was left.

These are huge jawbreakers....apparently otherwise known as "lunch"

These are huge jawbreakers. They are large sugar balls that can break your jaw…and apparently are otherwise known as “lunch.”

I have made it through the day.  I am utterly exhausted but I eked out this blog post miraculously.

All I can say is as far as parenting goes….it’s gotta be all uphill from here.

Happy Labor Day!

Don’t judge me…..

IT’S NOT A MOST SOBER MOM CONTEST -IT’S FUNNIEST…..SO JUST CLICK ON THE DANG THING… XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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