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Dolls gone Wild


Mothers today seem to want to do everything for their children. If you asked my parents they would even include me in that statement.

During the summer months, we are at the beach and I try to take a step back from helicopter parenting. They ride their bikes to camp alone, they run up and down the beach exploring and swimming for hours, and when the day is over they hop into the outside shower together and clean themselves.

Sometimes while they shower I pour myself a glass of wine and forget where they are altogether.

A friend from home came to visit and was horrified at shower time. “Well, how do you know if they are clean?” she asked.

I shrugged, “Well….I guess I don’t.”

What age are you supposed to hand over the washcloth and hope for the best? I mean how old is a boy supposed to be when is mother stops scrubbing his asshole and his testicles?

The tasks that modern mothers have trouble relinquishing control of don’t end with butt and penis washing.

I know many 5 and 6 year-olds that don’t know how to zip their coat, tie their shoes, or wipe their butt when they poop.

In the defense of mothers, it is much easier and quicker to just zip a jacket than wasting precious time teaching a child how to do something.

When Michael was going to first grade I realized that his foot was way too large to keep putting into a velcro sneaker.

I thought this was not a cute look for kindergarten....

I thought this was not a cute look for first grade…

I found the perfect solution and signed him up for the shoe-tying class at Nordstrom.

Mr. Gaga put his well-tied shoe down firmly.

“Cancel it, that’s ridiculous.” he said.
“But I was on the wait list for 4 months to get him in!” I pleaded.
He stared at me. “You could have taught him by now.” he said heartlessly.
He had a point.

When does all of this hand-holding, butt-wiping, jacket zipping enabling come to an end?

NEVER!

Once it starts – it is hard to stop. I know of two mothers who actually inserted their daughter’s tampons for them, because “they didn’t want to do it themselves.”

Well I didn’t want to do it either so guess what happened to me? I wore a big honking maxi pad for 2 years until I was ready to try to insert a tampon myself.

Mothers today are all too quick to solve problems and gloss over everything to make sure that even if everything isn’t perfect it will at least appear as though it is.

Hide that doll's hair and face...she's embarrassing me....

Hide that doll’s hair and face…she’s embarrassing me….

This urge to solve problems for America’s children has reached an all new low.

A troubling post keeps appearing on Pinterest that instructs users how to make dolls look better.

When I was young I had Barbies and dolls that occasionally got a bad haircut, my kids have a superhero who occasionally rip their cape or lose a limb or even get run over by a huge truck.

That’s life.

But no!!

We don’t let children today experience what it feels like to have a doll that looks like a crystal meth addict.

It’s highly unpleasant to have a doll with snarled hair – but no worries, like everything else – we can FIX it!!

Millions of people have pinned this post which carefully outlines how to make your child’s doll look better.

dolls

If you have time to kill and find it a top priority to make sure your kid’s doll doesn’t look like Lindsay Lohan than here is the secret recipe!

I am sorry but am I the only one who has better things to do with their time than spend the day making a doll not look like a whore?

I have a hard time keeping up with my own beauty routines.  I often find that I am falling behind on my waxing, haircuts and color, manicures, etc.  So while I walk around with a full moustache and chipped toenails, is someone suggesting that I spend my day delousing a doll and making sure that she looks well-coiffed?

Has everyone in this country lost their god-damn minds?

There are plenty of mothers out there (you know who you are) that walk around town wearing yoga pants, no makeup, and gray hair.  Perhaps you could take some time for yourselves to actually go exercise in your yoga pants or take a hair appointment.  Certainly ANY activity would be time better spent than worrying yourself about how embarrassed you will be the next time your daughter has a friend over and she sees that her American Girl doll looks like Amy Winehouse.

I know you will all say it is because I have boys that I don’t understand the importance of this task…but you are wrong.

I am a girl.

It is laughable to imagine me or my friends growing up in the 80’s, bringing some jacked up doll to our mothers and asking them to comb their hair with fabric softener so that they won’t look like whores.

I asked my mother to do my Barbie's hair and when I came home she looked like this....

Once I asked my mother to do my Barbie’s hair while I was at school and when I got home she looked like this….

Why don’t we use these “whore dolls” to teach important lessons to today’s little girls.

You can sit your daughters down with the trampy doll and say “Look, there’s nothing we can do. Look at your doll sitting there spread eagle, smoking a cigarette with her eyes glazed over, her snarled hair and her ripped outfit all askew.  She has made a series of bad decisions and now she has to face the consequences…..”

Why don’t we use these unfortunate tramps to teach young girls to make good choices and not to go down the wrong path?

smkdollcc_1

There she is in the street…where she belongs!

Mothers – come together and find something to do, or at least think of me the next time you feel the urge to spend your day combing doll hair.

Just like humans, dolls sometimes hit a rough patch.  Sometimes it’s not all castles and prince charmings….

It’s an important lesson and one that is never too early to teach.

DON’T BLAME ME BECAUSE I AM BEING MEAN TO THE DOLLS!!  PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN THESE WHORE DOLLS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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9 responses »

  1. I absolutely laughed and agreed with this. Except…my daughter really does take care of her American Girls and their hair still looks a hot mess at the end of the day. My poor little girl was in tears brushing it and wondering where she went wrong, and that Pinterest thing worked. And made my kid glad. But, she just asked me to give her a shower and I replied,”Your 7. And im reading a blog post that says I dont have to, so no. Take your own, big girl.”

    Reply
  2. HAHA! So glad I can help!!! I think after 5 – they can wash up their bits themselves – I mean really …..do we have to do EVERYTHING???

    Reply
  3. Whore Dolls would be a good band name if people could forget Courtney Love ever existed.

    First part of your post – I have all girls. The youngest ones, now about to turn 9 and 10, were given the keys to the executive washroom at ages 5 and 6. We trust them until we smell something we shouldn’t.

    Reply
  4. I’ve always wondered when Teen Pregnancy Barbie would come to town. She did…in your post. I’m pinning the whore dolls. They are awesome.

    PS: Inserting tampons?! Seriousl!? Dafaq?!

    Reply
  5. I was a teacher before having my daughter. I was forced to teach Kindergarten my first year of teaching. I will never do it again, mainly because of the shoe-tieing. I actually sent a note home to parents telling them to teach their kids how to tie their shoes! Do you know how many actually listened to my request? None. I completely get that it is harder to teach a kid something than to zip a coat yourself, but WHEN are they going to learn? Or are they just going to come home when they are 25 to have their coats tied?! I completely agree with you. That said, my daughter is only two, so I may be eating my words in a few years. We haven’t even made it to potty training yet! :)

    Reply
  6. Pingback: Angry legos are destroying childhood | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  7. Absolutely hilarious! Had me in tears! Keep writing! :-)

    Reply
  8. My girls are 5 and 10 and wash themselves! and I’ll be damned if I’m inserting anyone else’s tampon! I don’t care WHO they are.

    I did pin that post! haha, but at least I’ve never used it. Dolls need to look “loved”.

    Reply

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