I have been to a bunch of weddings this summer.
Each time I look at the brides and listen to them speaking about the details of their weddings, and their plans for the future and I just think “This bitch has no clue what’s coming.”
That being said – I too was once a clueless bridezilla.
A letter to myself on my wedding day:
Dear Lady GGG on your wedding day,
Just so we are clear on one thing right off the bat, you will never be this skinny again.
I know what you are thinking, “I will just go to the gym and eat healthy and it will be fine!”
No. It’s not fine.
It will never be this fine again unless you starve yourself.
We both know that you are obsessed with sandwiches and are not capable of that.
You will wake up tomorrow and it will be as though your bones and flesh will immediately begin to expand and it will be all downhill from this point on.
You are about to embark on a life with Mr. Gaga, who you have chased around for several years. It is a major feat that you have finally landed him.
While you think that you know it all and that you are totally prepared to be someone’s wife because you picked out some expensive crystal and matching towels and dishes at Macy’s, you actually have no idea what lies ahead.
The days of frivolous purchases are pretty much over.
You know those shoes that you are wearing today that you spent a small fortune on and had shipped from California because “you had to have them and you will “wear them again all the time?” Yeah, they will be in a box in your closet for the next 12 years. Your shoe-shopping will take a drastic turn for the worse.
In 12 years your footwear selection will be mainly flip-flops and these tall, very bulky, beige suede boots with fur sticking out of them. They will have a rubber heel and they are so ugly that they are called “UGGS.” It’s hard to envision but sadly it’s true.
But back to Mr. Gaga. You are doing the right thing. He will be a good husband and father, however……
Please know that whatever annoying traits he might have that you think you can “fix” or change will only be exacerbated as you grow old together.
When you arrive at the church, Mr. Gaga will arrive quite late, as it seems that after a wild night out with his 10 groomsmen he has lost the rings. He will finally arrive when he finds the ring in the cuff of his pants.
He will later steal the microphone from the DJ and stand up on a table and perform “It Takes Two” by Rob Base at the wedding.
These are two examples of behaviors that will probably continue throughout your partnership, you should accept that you both are you are today and will continue to be, don’t waste time trying to change him.
Also, I know that your looks are very important at this time of your life. You have hired a makeup artist to follow you around all day and you have hired Catherine Zeta Jones hairstylist to recreate her wedding hair on you impeccably. This will be the very last day that you will have the time, energy or money to waste on such luxuries.
When your hair doesn’t come out exactly as planned it is best not to waste too much energy on this matter. Torturing the hairstylist and running out into the streets of New York City crying in despair with him running after you to your hotel room will be fruitless.
When all is said and done, your videographer will step on the back of your veil while you are walking down the aisle, ripping it from your head and destroying any hopes you might have had of looking like Catherine Zeta Jones.
I know that you have put off going on your honeymoon because you are going to “Go later.” Yeah, right.
You cannot fathom anything beyond paying your Saks bill right now, but buying a house and having kids and being a stay at home mom will really put a wrench in your travel plans.
Either way – whether you are away or not you should try to just get some good use out of all of that lingerie that you received at your shower that says “Sexy bride” on it.
You are skinny right now and care-free, you should just walk around the house in Victoria’s Secret attire at all times.
In the future – all lingerie will be in the far corners of your underwear drawer covered by huge underwears that are the size of a small tent.
Also, it’s hard to imagine but in 5 years time your boobs will be hanging down to your bellybutton like 2 sacks of potatoes.
Just wear that shit and don’t bother being insecure about your body.
Although the picture I am painting is horrific, it’s not all bad.
Somehow, Mr. Gaga sticks around to support you and the kids when you stop working. He doesn’t leave in the still of the night when you start wearing tent underwears and he even doesn’t seem to mind the potato boobs.
Through it all, your relationship grows and becomes much stronger and more real than you can ever imagine on your wedding day.
You too will look back and realize that having the perfect favor, hairstyle and having the Macerena being on your “Do not play list” wasn’t as important as you thought it was.
This will all dawn on you when your kids are 6 and 7 For you, it has to be a “dawning” because you will have to experience it first-hand to believe it.
Enjoy the ride.
P.S. – DON’T try to eat your cake on your first anniversary!! It will be the most vile thing you have ever experienced.
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA