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Monthly Archives: July 2013

Only as happy as your last clam….


The problem with having kids is that you cannot really anticipate or imagine how physically and mentally exhausted you will become.

It’s completely unfathomable.

When you are pregnant you will look forward to having the baby because you think you won’t be so tired anymore.

The joke is on you because – after you have the baby you will operate on fumes for months and possibly years on end because you will not have a full night’s sleep. Only then will you know truly what “tired” is.

You will also foolishly believe that when you have a baby you will just get a babysitter and continue to go out to dinner or meet friends for drinks regularly. You don’t realize before you have kids that it is so much more than just getting another human to watch your baby.

There’s guilt, there’s worry, and there’s exhaustion to consider.

There’s finding something to wear that isn’t covered with spit up, there’s leaking boobs, there’s the fact that you haven’t lost the baby weight and nothing fits, and of course there’s the fact that you may or may not like your husband on any given day.

On the few occasions that you venture out for a date on an anniversary or birthday, you will think as you get ready that you would love nothing more than to just get into your sweats and go to bed.

But you will force yourself to go out and then you have a few drinks. That night your baby will cry and/or wake up at 5 am and you will decide going out to dinner is just not worth it.

Before you know it it’s 6 months before you have a proper night out again.

You resign yourself to having no social life and vow that when your kids are older you are going to go out all the time. That things will change and in a few years you will be back dancing on the bar where you belong.

Unfortunately, by the time that day rolls around, the lady looking back at you in the mirror is a little bit old and weathered for bar dancing, but you venture out anyways.

Oh dear lord! What the hell happened to me??!!!

Oh dear lord! What the hell happened to me??!!!

After a long day of work, only having time to eat a quick salad all day you look forward to some good food and drinks.

You leave your kids with your parents. The kids are fairly independent now. You just tell them to go to bed when their movie is over and say goodnight.

You meet another couple at a raw bar.

You will secure four seats at the bar which is possibly the best thing that can happen to someone in their mid-30’s since the idea of actually standing up at a bar seems downright horrific.

Your friends will ask if you enjoy raw bars. Your husband will answer “No, I am allergic to shellfish.”

Your friends will exclaim “Then why are we here?”
You will sip your martini and say “Oh it’s fine, he’s just being dramatic.”

You go on to order mussels and shrimp cocktail and a fish pate of some sort, and continue on to your second drink.

Your husband will watch baseball and talk with his friend and eat raw clams and oysters. He will suddenly announce that he’s going outside to get some air because he doesn’t feel well.

Your friends will be alarmed and think he’s having an allergic reaction and urge you to go see what’s wrong.

When you get outside, your husband will say you have to go home because he is going to throw up because he thinks he had a “bad clam.”

You head back in to settle the bill and notice that your third drink has arrived and you take a nice swig of it.

As you drive home, you say “Actually I don’t really feel well either.”

You will tell your husband to pull into a side street and when he does he will almost crash right into a police car that randomly is there.

Police-Crime-CMC-Saskatoon-behind%20police%20car-July%2022%202011_0

You will feel bile churning and yet you know that you can’t both throw up there with the police man watching.

“Just back up!” you screech to your husband as the cop approaches flashing his light in your eyes.

“My wife is sick,” your husband will call out the window to the cop as he maneuvers the best k-turn of his life, and peels out back on to the main road back home.

“Omigod, get home…I’m going to be so sick…” you will croak.

You will almost make it home and when you are just 500 feet from your house an old woman will pull out of her driveway blocking the road.

She will do this at the slowest possible speed that a vehicle can move. She will move two inches back and two inches forward for what seems like an hour while vomit creeps up your throat.

You will yell at your husband to crash into the old woman with your car but he will ignore you.

Get the fuck out of our way!!! You old bag!!!!!

What the fuck is wrong with you??? Get the hell out of our way!!!

You will frantically try to open your door but child safety locks prevent it and you will put your hands up to catch your vomit but luckily your husband will open the door just in time for you to throw up in front of your neighbor’s house.

By then the old person has left and you head home.

Your parents demand to know what’s happening as you storm in and run for the toilet.

I'm going to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You vomit again and then sink into your bed praying to feel better, while your husband paces the floor waiting to rid himself of his “bad clam.”

When you last look at the clock its 10 PM.

In the morning you and your husband look at each other and resolve to do better next time. Maybe eat a snack before going out so that your stomachs aren’t empty. Maybe get a wine spritzer instead of a martini…..maybe your stomachs are too old and weathered for raw clams….maybe your food allergy is catching up to you.

Or maybe you are so old you should just go to “Early Bird Specials” and Bingo….

Maybe you will give it one more try next weekend.

EVEN THOUGH MR. GAGA AND I ARE VERY OLD AND SPEND OUR WEEKEND NIGHTS VOMITING AT LEAST WE ARE FUNNY…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO CONFIRM THAT!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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More Beach Rules….


Despite the fact that I actually dedicated a blog post to outlining all of the reasons a person should not invite me to their function on a sunny summer day, I just returned from a confirmation party.

Since everyone seemed to enjoy last week’s Beach Rules - I thought it best to take this time to do a quick reminder of last season’s

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AT THE BEACH:

1 – SPRAY SPF – As soon as I sat down I was met with a gust of wind carrying someone’s SPF 50.  Listen everybody – the spray sunscreens don’t work.  They spray the person behind you. Period, end of story.  For those parents that think they are doing a great job by “spraying their kids with SPF” – you are not.  Stop being lazy and stupid – suck it up and rub lotion on your dang kids, so I don’t end up with Water Babies SPF 50 in my mouth.

2 – BAD TATTOOS – I looked up from my book this afternoon for a second and saw the most god-awful tattoo.  I understand that everyone isn’t classy like Lady Goo Goo Gaga who has a chinese symbol “tramp stamp” from the 90’s – but really?

So let me get this straight...You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

So let me get this straight…You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

We get it – we all have had bad nights where we get blacked-out drunk and make poor choices, but have you heard of a racer back tankini? Cover that shit up.

3 -BEACH ETIQUETTE OFFENDERS: I understand the importance of good beach real estate on a sunny Sunday morning.  This is why I wake up on the early side and tell Mr. Gaga he has to go set up “our spot” with 6 beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and all other beach necessities.  (Since he’s a great guy – he does it for me.)

After such great organization and efforts from the GAGA household to secure our area – there’s nothing more annoying to arrive at the beach a few hours later to find that people have set up camp mere inches away from our stuff.

Give me some space!! If you decide to sleep in – guess what you are at the back of the beach.  Don’t just drop your shit on top of mine.  Have some proper beach etiquette!

4 – POOR PREPARATION: – Parents need to bring what their children need to the beach.  I would love nothing more than to grab a towel, a magazine and a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Dry oil and head to the beach like I did in my youth.

Those days are over because I have children.  So instead,  I bring a huge “Wonder Wheeler 2000″ overflowing with toys and then I make the kids carry their huge surfboards and inflatables to ensure they have what they need to be thoroughly entertained.

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren't working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff.....

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren’t working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff…..

 

5 – CHILDREN WHO SAY “I’m Bored.”

So after working so hard to ensure that there are a million toys and inflatable items available for the children, not to mention a huge ocean and endless amounts of sand – there’s nothing more infuriating than whiney annoying children coming up to me while I am trying to relax, and telling me “They are bored.”

See the lady in the corner...that's me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored....

See the lady in the corner…that’s me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored….

I see red.

“You’re bored? Do you know there are children in Kansas that have never even seen a beach?”

“Yeesss,” they say emotionlessly.

“Then don’t say that to me again.”

“We just don’t know what to do!” Michael whines.

“Oh – Ok, then where’s a safety pin,” I say getting up from my chair, “I’ll just pop all these tubes and rafts since you don’t like them anymore.”

“Noo!!!” they will scream making their way back towards the water.

When I get to the beach I am literally dripping with sweat and my arms are about to break off of my body.

DO NOT tell me you are bored.

6 -BEACHED WHALES: This is a strange phenomenon that I notice time and again.  Young overweight people lay down at the edge of the water and let the waves crash on to them like they are beached whales.  It’s sad because they aren’t playing with other children and they seem like they like the water to crash on to their whale-like bodies and wash their troubles away. I want to go to them and say “Get up!! Swim a lap or two!!! This is how you got into this beached whale situation in the first place!!”

7 – INAPPROPRIATE BEACH ATTIRE – We all know that Speedos are unacceptable.  Another offense is men who come to the beach with socks on.  Worse than either of those to me is the “Swim-shirt wearing Dad.”

Listen dude – they have invented SPF 70 for Christ’s sakes – there’s no need for this SPF shirt.  It’s weird. It’s not flattering. It screams “nerd.” That goes for the women offenders as well.

Look at these two.  Nobody should ever look like this in public.  It's just rude.

Look at these two. Nobody should ever look like this in public. It’s just rude.

8 – Jellyfish Criers – I include my kids in this category.  Michael came crying to me today for the first of many jellyfish stings this summer.  You know how I feel about unnecessary crying.  I peered over my US Weekly and looked at his arm, where the sting was.

“Go rub wet sand on it.” I said casually, and attempted to go back to my Tom Kat article.

“NNOOOO!!! ITT HUUUURRRTTTSS!!” he wailed.  I threw my magazine in my bag with disgust and played along with his issues.

Look – it’s the Long Island Sound people.  This is not JAWS.  It’s not even Florida where there are actual “man o wars.”

Suck it up and stop crying.

9 – Small boys with “Man boobs” – I know that childhood obesity is an issue in this country – but today I witnessed a new level of neglect.  Two boys were playing in the water that were approximately 10 or 11 and they both had full breasts.  It wasn’t just a little bit of excess fat.  Apparently high fructose corn syrup + hours of inactivity and video games + hormones in our food = a need for a bikini top.

The poor kids are not to blame – yet again it’s the parents who allow their young boys to walk around with a pair of tits the size of Texas.

10 -PEOPLE WHO BREAK MORE THAN ONE RULE AT A TIME:

There are some people who are multiple offenders and this is just too much.  These people should invest in a backyard pool and stay away from the beach.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, speedo and man boobs.  The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, speedo and man boobs. The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

None of the things on this list will ever deter me from actually going to the beach of course!!! But just love to share and vent!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR THIS BLOG!!

Beach Rules 2013 Edition


People’s behaviors never cease to amaze me. On the beach, and in beach communities there are certain unspoken rules.

I thought I should review a few:

1 – Jellyfish are assholes:

They are a menace to society.  They ruin perfectly good swimming time.

They sting small children and send them screaming to their mothers.

Apparently everyone didn’t get the “jellyfish are motherfuckers” memo.

The other day the kids scooped a jellyfish out of the water, dug a hole and were about to dump it in and cover it with sand.  A woman stopped them and said “Why would you a murder an animal for no reason?”

After I got done rolling on the ground laughing, I took a huge scoop of dirt and threw it on the jellyfish.  Have all humans lost their minds?

I’m sorry did I miss something here? Aren’t jellyfish just lazy blobs of shit that float around waiting for one of their asshole tentacles to brush against someone and ruin his or her day?

Jellyfish are assholes, and so are you if you are trying to save them.

See, now this guy and I would not get along.  I think there is something wrong with a person that enjoys jellyfish.  If I could name this picture I would name this picture "Two Assholes."

See, now this guy and I would not get along. I think there is something wrong with a person that enjoys jellyfish. If I could name this picture I would call it “Two Assholes.”

2 – Urine belongs in the ocean:

I was watching my 3-year-old niece on the beach the other day and she announced just as I was settling into my beach chair that she needed to go back to the house to use the potty.

“No, no when you are with Auntie, the ocean is your potty,” I explained.

“No.” she said staring at me blankly. After much talking and going back and forth to the water, Mr. Gaga got her to do it. Thank God.

Unless there is diarrhea threatening- I am not leaving the beach.

3 – Groom:

I have mentioned my moustache before, so I know what it’s like to keep up with a never-ending growth of hair in unwanted areas.  It is simply imperative that one waxes or trims areas where hair is growing in an out-of-control way that could make a person appear like a bear or gorilla on the beach.

Sam accidentally bumped into this guy and when he came out of the water I had to roll a huge lint roller to get all of the pubes off his bathing suit....

Sam accidentally bumped into this guy and when he came out of the water I had to roll a huge lint roller over him to get all of the pubes off his bathing suit….

Even if you are fine with wearing a pube sweater to the beach, you should consider how you might affect others.

4 – Sandcastles are valuable real estate owned by others:

This is pretty serious business.  When your child works diligently for an hour creating a sand masterpiece and some toddler comes over and eats it or sits on it, that’s considered very rude.

You need to watch your kids and teach them at an early age that they are not allowed to touch other people’s sand structures…It’s basic beach etiquette.

5 – Sand toys are for sharing:

Please don’t come stare me down while I am trying to read US Weekly and ask me if my kids are using your shovel. Um, yeah probably…and who fucking cares?

They probably took it because we have the same shovel as you, and so do the other 500 people on this beach.

Just so you know these are 45 for $1 at any store...please stop talking about where your shovel is....

Just so you know these are 15 for $1 at any store…please stop talking about where your shovel is….

If you care this much about your shovel, please don’t sit near me. We will definitely take it and could very possibly break it or send it out to sea.  I don’t need this kind of pressure.

6 – Watch your kids, no matter their age:

Believe me I get the whole thing about ignoring your kids once they can swim, it’s like my favorite thing to do.  However, when your kids are a little older you have to start watching them a little more.

Although you don’t have to worry that they will drown, you do have to worry that they are huge douche-bags.

The other day, my boys were playing with their blow up jet ski raft and their boogie boards with a friend.  Shortly, 2 ten-year-olds came and hijacked the float, tossing the boys into the water and hopping on.  The kids struggled to pull the older kids off.  I was watching this from my beach chair, when suddenly one of the older kids smashed Sam in the face with the boogie board.

These were the kids, happy and content before they were bullied on the seas....

These were the kids, happy and content before they were bullied on the high seas….

I ran into the water, “Are you insane?” I yelled at the devil child as I ripped the boogie board from his hand.

“Why would you hit a 5 year-old in the face? What’s wrong with you?” I hissed.

“He was tackling me…” he said meekly. “He was tackling you because you took his stuff.” I said between gritted teeth.

“What’s going on here?” I heard then.

I looked up and realized that the devil child’s mother was in the water like a foot away and had allowed this whole thing to go down.

“The problem is that your son smashed my son in the face with a boogie board.” I said.

“Oh.” she responded.

I stormed away.

“Oh?”  That’s what you say when your child is complete dick?

How about “Sorry about that, my kid is a total asshole and I am going to speak to him about it.” or how about “I am sorry that I stood just inches away and watched my son smash your son’s face in, I am on some heavy-duty tranquilizers and I cannot respond appropriately.” Either of those would do.

7 – Don’t bring the Ferrari :

Basically the kids deposit large amounts of sand and seaweed and wet shit in and on every inch of my car for the two months when we spend time at the beach.

They lean up on the outside of the car creating areas where their SPF 50 smears onto the paint never to be removed again.  Salt and dust eat away at the undercarriage and rots the paint.

When the cars aren’t at the beach parking lot, they are parked in tiny driveways of beach houses that are basically on the street. Imagine my surprise when a day after the douchebag jet ski pirate hit Sam, his (biggest nerd in America) father marched up our driveway.

I braced myself for what this idiot was going to say.

He said that “someone” saw my kids playing in the street and their wagon hit his minivan and left a mark.

He was clearly trying to get me back for calling his kid out on his bad behavior. I was speechless. What should we do about this nerd boy? I apologized like a civilized human but on the inside I was ready to explode.

As he showed me the miniscule mark on his Windstar, I contemplated just kicking him in the balls and walking away, but I thought the kids might get upset....

As he showed me the miniscule mark on his Windstar, I contemplated just kicking him in the balls and walking away, but I thought the kids might get upset….

If you care this much about your Lamborghini  mini-van perhaps the beach isn’t a great place for it, you fucking loser, and please never speak to me again unless someone is on fire.

8 – Umbrella Etiquette:

I can’t figure out if it’s global warming or my skin is just old and literally weathered, but I cannot just sit out and bake like I used to.

I recently have sat under an umbrella for the first time in my decades of beach bathing. As a result, apparently I don’t know how to install a beach umbrella.

I just kind of stuck it in the sand while preparing for my BF to come meet me the other day.

Right when she arrived the umbrella flew with a gust of wind and impaled 50 people.  Thankfully, she is an expert at getting people to do things for her, and happens to have strong resemblance to Kim Kardashian.

She retrieved the umbrella from two men that were sitting with their kids.  They handed her the umbrella, and she took it gingerly and just stared blankly at them.

“What should I do now?” she asked.  “I don’t know how to do this…”

In two seconds flat, both men were digging a huge hole and expertly securing the umbrella. Unfortunately this can’t happen everyday.  It’s imperative to know how to work the umbrella as to not murder innocent victims.

9 – Use an umbrella not a small shelter :

So if you want shade, then the umbrella is the obvious choice.  If you decide to install a nylon shelter that can house 35 people, then maybe the beach is not for you.

Now my view is blocked completely and I can’t even see my kids if they are drowning because you have decided to put up an event tent at the beach for you and the two other people in your family.

Ok so basically the rule is, if you can host a small graduation party under the tent, it's too big for the beach....

Ok so basically the rule is, if you can host a small graduation party under the tent, it’s too big for the beach….

10 – If you see Lady Goo Goo Gaga on the beach, keep it moving:

In closing, I just want to relax.  The winters are long here in Connecticut.

I have very few precious days that I can spend luxuriously on the beach.

Don’t torture my kids, don’t tell my kids not to kill animals, don’t ask me about sand toys or tell me you have to pee.

Let’s keep all this talking to a minimum. I am TRYING to get through one issue of US WEEKLY!! HAPPY SUMMER !  PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA 150-tmb

Dear Lady Goo Goo Gaga on your wedding day,


I have been to a bunch of weddings this summer. 

Each time I look at the brides and listen to them speaking about the details of their weddings, and their plans for the future and I just think “This bitch has no clue what’s coming.

That being said – I too was once a clueless bridezilla.

A letter to myself on my wedding day:

Dear Lady GGG on your wedding day,

Just so we are clear on one thing right off the bat, you will never be this skinny again.

I know what you are thinking, “I will just go to the gym and eat healthy and it will be fine!”

 No. It’s not fine.

It will never be this fine again unless you starve yourself. 

We both know that you are obsessed with sandwiches and are not capable of that.

You will wake up tomorrow and it will be as though your bones and flesh will immediately begin to expand and it will be all downhill from this point on. 

You are about to embark on a life with Mr. Gaga, who you have chased around for several years.  It is a major feat that you have finally landed him. 

While you think that you know it all and that you are totally prepared to be someone’s wife because you picked out some expensive crystal and matching towels and dishes at Macy’s, you actually have no idea what lies ahead.

The days of frivolous purchases are pretty much over.

You know those shoes that you are wearing today that you spent a small fortune on and had shipped from California because “you had to have them and you will “wear them again all the time?” Yeah, they will be in a box in your closet for the next 12 years. Your shoe-shopping will take a drastic turn for the worse.

In 12 years your footwear selection will be mainly flip-flops and these tall, very bulky, beige suede boots with fur sticking out of them.  They will have a rubber heel and they are so ugly that they are called “UGGS.” It’s hard to envision but sadly it’s true.

But back to Mr. Gaga.  You are doing the right thing.  He will be a good husband and father, however……

Please know that whatever annoying traits he might have that you think you can “fix” or change will only be exacerbated as you grow old together.

Get a good look Lady...what you see is what you get....

Get a good look Lady…what you see is what you get….

When you arrive at the church, Mr. Gaga will arrive quite late, as it seems that after a wild night out with his 10 groomsmen he has lost the rings.  He will finally arrive when he finds the ring in the cuff of his pants.

He will later steal the microphone from the DJ and stand up on a table and perform “It Takes Two” by Rob Base at the wedding.

These are two examples of behaviors that will probably continue throughout your partnership, you should accept that you both are you are today and will continue to be, don’t waste time trying to change him.

Also, I know that your looks are very important at this time of your life.  You have hired a makeup artist to follow you around all day and you have hired Catherine Zeta Jones hairstylist to recreate her wedding hair on you impeccably.  This will be the very last day that you will have the time, energy or money to waste on such luxuries. 

When your hair doesn’t come out exactly as planned it is best not to waste too much energy on this matter.  Torturing the hairstylist and running out into the streets of New York City crying in despair with him running after you to your hotel room will be fruitless. 

When all is said and done, your videographer will step on the back of your veil while you are walking down the aisle, ripping it from your head and destroying any hopes you might have had of looking like Catherine Zeta Jones.

this??

This was a great idea…..but you will have to settle for:

This.

This.

I know that you have put off going on your honeymoon because you are going to “Go later.”  Yeah, right.

You cannot fathom anything beyond paying your Saks bill right now, but buying a house and having kids and being a stay at home mom will really put a wrench in your travel plans.

Either way – whether you are away or not you should try to just get some good use out of all of that lingerie that you received at your shower that says “Sexy bride” on it.

You are skinny right now and care-free, you should just walk around the house in Victoria’s Secret attire at all times.

In the future – all lingerie will be in the far corners of your underwear drawer covered by huge underwears that are the size of a small tent.

One morning in 2013,  Mr. Gaga will come across your thong in the bed, and it will be very embarrassing....

One morning in 2012, Mr. Gaga will come across your thong in the bed, and it will be very embarrassing….

Also, it’s hard to imagine but in 5 years time your boobs will be hanging down to your bellybutton like 2 sacks of potatoes.

Just wear that shit and don’t bother being insecure about your body.

Although the picture I am painting is horrific, it’s not all bad.

Somehow, Mr. Gaga sticks around to support you and the kids when you stop working.  He doesn’t leave in the still of the night when you start wearing tent underwears and he even doesn’t seem to mind the potato boobs.

Through it all, your relationship grows and becomes much stronger and more real than you can ever imagine on your wedding day.

You too will look back and realize that having the perfect favor, hairstyle and having the Macerena being on your “Do not play list” wasn’t as important as you thought it was.

This will all dawn on you when your kids are 6 and 7  For you, it has to be a “dawning” because you will have to experience it first-hand to believe it.

Enjoy the ride.

P.S. – DON’T try to eat your cake on your first anniversary!! It will be the most vile thing you have ever experienced.

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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