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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Gaga Signs of Summer


It’s beginning to look at lot like summer.

NOT because my kids have even been out of school a week yet! And NOT because the sun has been shining in grand old Connecticut, and NOT because I have even the slightest hint of a tan!

There are other tell-tale signs that it’s summer in the Gaga household.

First things first – my book club takes a summer hiatus so I promptly swap out my intellectual reads for the good stuff….

As I have mentioned before – I like to kind of check-out during the summer months.

I mean how much perfect mothering am I supposed to do? How many months a year can I keep up the façade??

The answer is 10…10 months is all I can do.

July and August is time to relax.

During the school year I try to hide hideous clothing that makes my children look like the rest of the little boys in our town.

The popular look in town among small boys is a look that is best-described as a homeless child with high-water pants, uncombed hair, and ratty t-shirts from Walmart.  It is a strange phenomenon but inevitably the children with the most educated, wealthy and well-dressed parents will usually look the most homeless.

Now that I am in summer-mode, I don’t really care what the kids wear, I don’t care if they match, and as a special treat I even dug out this hideous thing for Sam that I had hidden in the back of his closet.

I don't care if he wears this everyday...he will be lucky if I even wash it....

I don’t care if he wears this everyday…he will be lucky if I even wash it….

The last morning of school (which was Tuesday by the way due to Storm Sandy) there was not one ounce of my soul that wanted to make one more fucking healthy lunch for my children.

Everything has to be just perfect, and this kid won’t eat turkey and this kid won’t eat strawberries and this kid wants to sit with his friend who hates peanut butter.

The kid’s school has taken on a campaign to eat healthy and foods are divided up into categories to tell how bad they are.

They are either “Go” which means healthy, “slow” which means kind of healthy and “Whoa” meaning not healthy at all and you are a fat piece of shit and dangerously close to riding a motorized cart around Disney World.

If I had to endure one more early morning of  listening to the kids tell me that putting popcorn or granola bars in their lunch isn’t good because they are “slow” foods, while simultaneously heating up Italian Wedding Soup (the only thing Michael will eat) and making a pepperoni sandwich (Sam’s preferred lunch) I was going to slit my throat.

The last day of school couldn’t come fast enough.

So the minute they got home from school I emptied out their lunch boxes and opened the basement door and drop-kicked those Pottery Barn rip-offs down the stairs.

This was their lunch today and yesterday and possibly everyday until September:

This is called "nutella and fluff" ....introduced to my children by my father.   It's a "no food" for sure...it's a "no-sandwich."

This is called “Nutella and fluff” ….introduced to my children by my father.  This can also be referred to as a “whoa sandwich.”

I also am so happy to not have to wake up and go to that god-damned bus stop.  I like to use July and August to catch up on lost sleep.  I instruct the children to not bother me under any circumstance and try to leave a healthy breakfast readily accessible for them in the morning.

Thank you Mr. Kellogg for being a genius and inventing the miniature cereal box. I love you.

Thank you Mr. Kellogg for being a genius and inventing the miniature cereal box. I love you.

This summer I think I am going to attempt to lay off the wine and be in more of a vodka-induced haze.  It seems more summer-y.

This is my new favorite summer beverage, I currently have a big old jug of it calling my name.

smirnoff-tuscan-lemonadeMr. Gaga of course takes things to a whole other level.

A jug of something doesn’t cut it.

Once summer hits the kids and I usually try to hit the road and live at the beach as much as possible.  Of course, like any responsible and caring wife I leave Mr. Gaga a very long “to-do” list.

So today on the first day we have had free to do what we please, he was very busy fixing the leaky kitchen faucet, painting the bathroom, installing something very important on the deck.

In case you were wondering this is called a "keg-erator."  It holds 120 beers.

In case you were wondering this is called a “keg-erator.” It holds 120 beers.

Despite the fact that it’s supposed to rain for the next 5 days…the Gaga’s are ready for summer.

If you happen to see a fat lady drinking spiked lemonade, eating fluff sandwiches, reading an US Weekly, and ignoring filthy children in Ninja Turtle shirts  you just might have figured out my identity.

Please click on the banner below to vote for me as one of the top mommy blogs in America!  Happy Summer!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Dear North,


At just a week old, you only care about eating and sleeping.  You don’t care really who’s in charge of your care so it hasn’t quite dawned on you that you are the child of two maniacs.

You are too young to realize much in such an early stage of infancy.  One day, maybe in preschool or kindergarten you will come upon your name.

You will discover the true meaning of your name, which is  “the opposite of south and is perpendicular to east and west,” and you will think to yourself (probably for the first time but definitely not the last) ……

Wow my parents are real assholes.”

In particular, your father is a really stupid asshat that says and does despicable things like torture Taylor Swift, making weird announcements like “George Bush doesn’t like black people,” and announced in front of millions of people that your mother is his “baby-mama.”

You will have to rise above his inability to grasp the English language and his unacceptable views on women.  He is a disgusting person who was quoted in Essence magazine speaking eloquently about biracial women,  (which by the way includes you.)  Here’s his highly intelligent quote…are you ready for it?

“If it wasn’t for race mixing, there would be no video girls.”

Isn’t he such a peach?

And if there is still anyone out there who might think he is a good person…he reportedly made your mother wear this dress to the MET gala….which is just downright cruel.

outfit

Luckily, you have the money for some good quality therapy.

There are many things that I am guessing you will have to learn on your own.  It is not going to be an easy road for you.  Even though your name seemingly points you in some sort of direction it’s all going to seem very vague and unclear.

For starters right now your eyesight isn’t fully developed.  Everything is blurry and colorless.  When your eyeballs start working properly, boy are you in for the shock of your little life when you meet your grandma.

krisjennerfatlips

Hopefully you will have a nice stash of money waiting for you and you won’t feel obligated to do horrific things to your face to stay relevant and young.

Hopefully you will take after your mother and not your father, you will find your natural and inner beauty and be content and happy with yourself.  This way you won’t have to end up looking like this:

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Just when you have come to grips with your name meaning “the top side of a map,” and made sense of everyone’s face in your family being made out of PVC piping, you are going to come across something that is going to rock your world.

I know what you are thinking..."Ew, I don't want to look at my parents having sex..." Yeah sorry North...that's not your Daddy....

I know what you are thinking…”Ew, I don’t want to look at my parents having sex…” Yeah sorry North…that’s not your Daddy….

It happens to the best of us…so I am sure that you will understand that your mother is a household name due to the mass-market distribution of her “sex-tape.”

It seems upsetting now – but you will get used to it…We all did.

It’s best to just stay focused on the positive.  For example, think about how absolutely gorgeous your mom is!

Look here she is the vision of beauty on her wedding day!

Oopsy, everyone forgot to mention that your mom is married to someone else...hope that's no problem....

Oopsy, everyone forgot to mention that your mom is married to someone else…hope that’s no problem….

Nevermind, let’s not talk about that…

In the end, maybe your name is your first clue that you will have to do lots of navigating to find stability and normalcy.

It is important to stay positive and focus on something happy and fun, which will help you to forget all of the upsetting news I just told you.

I know!

Think about all of the shoes that your mother has!!

Last time we saw your mother’s feet they seemed to have…turned into giant sausages grown a little bit.

kim shoes

She might just find that she no longer fits into all of her shoes!  She might have to give them all to you!

kimkardashian

I don’t know about you – but if I just found out that my father called me a racial slur, my mother was a huge whore and my name meant “the default direction on a compass“… this shoe closet would make me feel much better.

I  believe things could work out for you North, just stay the course.

If I don’t see your face on the cover of my next US Weekly then I know that there’s hope for you yet.

Sincerely,

your friend LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Making Mr. Gaga


Because it’s Father’s Day I had to not ask Mr. Gaga to do anything, I had to not complain about anything in the house.

I had to not be bitchy or snippy.

I had to bite my tongue when he was watching Rocky in the middle of the day for no apparent reason, and I had to smile robotically when he said he had to go to my brother’s house at 2 o’clock in the afternoon “because smoking wings takes hours and we need to start early to have them ready for dinner.”

As a result I am totally mentally drained.

This week I am offering a very short and sweet tale.

Mr. Gaga wasn’t always Mr. Gaga.

He used to have his own hopes and dreams that didn’t include me.

Even after we were dating for a while, he repeatedly attempted to break it off.

“I don’t think we should go out anymore….we have to break up.” he would say.

“No.” I would answer back.

“I am going to go out with other people.” he would plead.

“Yeah, no…..you’re not.” I would calmly answer.

“I don’t like you.” he would say when he was at the end of his rope.

“Yes you do…you love me.” I would answer back.

It wasn't that I was completely insane...it was just that I knew we were meant to be....

It wasn’t that I was completely insane…it was just that I knew we were meant to be….

Finally when nothing he would say would stick he would just throw his hands up and say “Ok fine – forget it.”

I was always making this poor guy do things that he didn’t want to do.

I had visions of romance and love and I would make him to take me to fancy restaurants, buy me fancy gifts, write me fancy letters.

I was 19.

One night around the time that he kept trying to break up with me, I had planned a romantic night in watching movies in my college dorm while all of our friends were out at a bar.

We were about to start the movie, and I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

When I came back Mr. Gaga was missing.

window

I looked out the window.

This guy was so determined to get away from me, he jumped out a second story window, landed in some bushes and I could see him running down the street towards the bar.

Thinking quick on my feet I tossed aside my lounge clothes and put on my “Break up shirt.”

*Because Mr. Gaga was frequently breaking up with me, I had special clothes I wore during tumultuous times, called “break-up shirts” that basically allowed me to go out naked, ensuring I would receive much attention from men out at the bar. 

Oh well, I'll just drink this whole bottle of vodka and I am sure someone else in this bar will be happy to watch a movie with me....

Oh well, I’ll just drink this whole bottle of vodka and then I am sure I will find someone else in this bar who will be happy to watch a movie with me….

In the end, no matter what he did, he just couldn’t manage to escape.

He stopped trying after a while, and we were in love.

Then we had kids, and though we still love each other, things can get hectic around here and sometimes I yell at him or act a smidge bitchy.

Also I started a mom blog in which he stars as “Mr. Gaga.”   I mean what more could a guy want?

Sometimes he might secretly dream of jumping out that window, running like the wind into the night and drinking shots and beers until he can’t stand up.

Thankfully, he no longer acts on it.

He’s learned over time that there’s no use trying to escape….he will be Mr. Gaga forever.

THE LESSON HERE IS A LITTLE STALKING NEVER HURT ANYONE AND CAN SOMETIMES PAY OFF! I am a lucky girl.  Happy Father’s Day to Mr. Gaga and all the Dads out there!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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An explanation of this blog


I went to school in New York, met Mr. Gaga and aspired to live in New York forever.  I love it there. I love the people.  Some of my most favorite people I have met and some of my best friends are from New York.

I love to walk down the streets of New York city and not speak to or make eye contact with a soul.

I mean is there anything more fabulous than this?  She is totally not smiling or saying "hi" to anyone....LOVE.

I mean is there anything more fabulous than this? By the way she is totally not smiling or saying “hi” to anyone….That’s my dream.

Things don’t always work out the way you think.  When I ended up back in Connecticut in the very suburb of Hartford where I was subjected to rude entitled assholes at my private highschool, I was a little bitter.

I was a little bit negative, but it was fine because I just worked a lot and we would go to New York  to visit friend when we could, we didn’t really speak to anyone in our neighborhood and just kept to ourselves.

When I came a mother almost eight years ago I had to start interacting with human beings.  I wasn’t used to making small talk with strangers.  I quickly realized that the rude entitled assholes were now the people I had to interact with at the library and at the park.

One day in particular I remember I was at the library with my 2-year-old and he was having a hard time getting along with another 2-year-old. Something about them not sharing a toy or something equally as benign.

Finally the mother of the other two-year-old stood up in the crowd of mothers and children and pointed at me and my son and screamed, “You know he is a very bad child!! He is a very very bad person!” and stormed out.

When you regularly encounter insane lunatics and you are already exhausted and your tits are stretched out like silly putty, there comes a point when enough is enough.

Soon after my neighbor, Fran Drescher tricked me into having a playdate with her son, and I realized that I needed to start writing this shit down.

Today’s parents are often a bit older and “wiser.”  They have read 500 books on parenting, they have plastered their belly and framed it, they have created a baby room fit for Suri Cruise, they have vowed to breast feed for 2 years and give birth naturally in a tub of water in their bedroom…etc. etc.

A lot of parents today are in MY OPINION a little bit overbearing, a little bit overprotective, a little bit weird…..

In MY OPINION, some of today’s children as a result are whacked out, insecure, and a little bit weird…..

I DECIDED to start an ANONYMOUS BLOG to write about some of the encounters that I have with today’s parent’s and their children in my town of very educated, affluent people and their very strange in ridiculous behaviors.

MY STORIES are told with sarcasm and humor.  I make fun of lots of people.

Nobody is safe.  I make fun of my husband, my mother, friends, and myself.  I make fun of my neighbors, teachers, my in-laws and the PTO.

SO WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T I MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN DISNEY WORLD AND KIDS THAT CRY DURING BASEBALL AND ANY OTHER RIDICULOUS PERSON?

Listen – I know this is not everyone’s cup of tea.

I know that I call kids ass-hats and I make fun of the church, and innocent cartoon characters and make fun of fat people who drink sodas the size of my house, and that maybe that could be considered offensive.

I would just like to let everyone know that hasn’t figured it out – that I do love my children. I even find some other children I encounter mildly tolerable, and I have tons of friends and family and people who I work with that I thoroughly enjoy.

The major thing about me is that I just like to laugh.

I think everyone should LIGHTEN UP!

My first comments to come in that were a little bit contrary on this blog were of course in defense of the all-mighty BEYONCE KNOWLES, when I wrote a piece that just poked fun at her diva-like ways as she approached her due date.

When I suggested that JayZ would be out with Rihanna while Beyonce was home rubbing lanolin on her nipples, some people found this to be very "bitter and negative."

When I suggested that JayZ would be out with Rihanna while Beyonce was home rubbing lanolin on her nipples, some people found this to be very “bitter and negative.”

People got very upset with me, and it was hard for me to pick just one comment..if you have time to laugh at crazy people go back and read the comments but here’s a piece from a comment from a reader called Jayna.

“….as I read on, I think – wow, bitter, mean and nasty much?  In it’s entirety, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read….Instead of writing this diatribe of garbage and negativity under a thin veil of humor and wit (or an attempt of) – why don’t you focus your energy on creating and fostering positivity with your humor.”

Oh Jayna – because I don’t want to.  Because Jayna to be honest, that would be really fucking boring and stupid.

Recently I got some interesting comments regarding the whining, crying baseball players on my kids’ teams. 

“Wow, ..Did you ever stop to wonder WHY the 8-year-old player needed his mother to walk him to the plate? Not everyone has children as perfect as yours apparently are..”

Well, yes, actually I did stop and wonder about that.  The answer is the kid is an entitled asshole that didn’t get to play the position he wanted and then his overindulging mother dragged him onto the field and forced him to play the position chosen by his coach.

Also, if you think that I think my kids are perfect then you have totally missed the point of this blog.

And then this week I got some outraged readers regarding my post about Disney World….  One guy wrote a page long comment arguing with everything I said in the post.

Here’s an excerpt regarding the fact that I wanted to throw up when two oversized people were basically having sex in line in front of me and the kids for an hour while in line for a ride.

nyc2theworld (@nyc2theworld) | June 6, 2013 at 4:20 pm |

“Again, why do you care how happy they are and they are sharing a kiss?  Are kisses not allowed in front of children?…Vacations tend to make people happy, except you…clearly….So to sum up, stay out of other people’s vacation unless you have something nice to say….”

UM….NO I won’t ever only say nice things on MY BLOG !! ARE YOU INSANE??? It wasn’t “other people’s vacations!” it was MY VACATION and I CAN BLOG ABOUT IT!!!

kissing2

Yes, kisses are allowed in front of children…but excuse me if it makes us want to vomit when said kissers are making out for hours an inch away from me, and said kissers each have huge muffin tops hanging out of their shorts that are also cutting off the circulation to their vagina….

I DON’T LIKE TO LOOK AT THAT.

ALSO, FOR ALL OF YOU DISNEY NAZIS  – OBESITY IS AN EPIDEMIC IN AMERICA.  SODA IS VERY BAD FOR YOU.  IF YOU GOOGLE “BAD STUFF FOR YOUR HEALTH” SODA WILL POP UP.

SORRY AMERICA IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT WHEN I POINT IT OUT.

Anyone who is offended by my frank outlook on things can surely find pleasure by reading mom blogs that talks about being blessed and eating placenta dust and teach you how to make your own baby food.

In the meantime I will be over here calling things as I see them;)

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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If you liked it than you shoulda put a pin in it….


After ranting about all the summer events I don’t want to go to last week, God cursed me with a 95 degree day for Sam’s birthday party on Friday night.

Remember when kids’ parties were just in someone’s backyard with cone hats and pin the tail on the donkey?

Those days are over.

Two people leading up to Sam’s birthday party actually asked what the “theme” of the party was.  It used to be that the theme would be “turning 6″ but apparently in the age of Pinterest that is no longer acceptable.

Luckily this party had a theme as to not disappoint and it was Scooby Doo.

We planned a Scooby Doo mystery where the kids would have to complete tasks to get clues which would lead them to find whoever stole all of Sam’s gifts.

We changed some of the activities to involve the sprinkler and water balloons since it was so hot.

I worked for a half hour filling up water balloons while Mr. Gaga was getting the kids off of the bus.  Sweat literally was pouring down my face.

When he came back he jumped a little when he looked at me.

“Are you going to take a shower?” he asked with horror.

I looked in the mirror to find a sweaty, weathered old woman with black makeup running down her face.

Nothing says "Happy Birthda" more than a mom that looks like a crystal meth addict....

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” more than a mom that looks like a crystal meth addict….

I quickly showered so I wouldn’t frighten the children.

Thank God I had a bounce house to keep the kids occupied and distracted from the weather.

bhouse

And since I signed up for Pinterest, I have learned all sorts of crafty ways to host a child’s party.

So I had photo props…

3355703fbd35048db983f14a8cd3f358

and we created a backdrop for the photos….

mm2

We served pizza and scooby snacks….

bones

We hired the ice cream man to arrive after dinner and Sam got to work the ice cream truck and hand out ice creams.

Then we sang and had Scooby Doo cupcakes….

cupcake

After more bouncing and sweating the party was over.

I gave each child a Scooby Doo movie as a parting gift….

movies

Also after the whole Star Wars cookie debacle I felt very certain that I could produce something totally fantastic in the cookie department.

I mean - how hard could this be??

I mean – how hard could this be??

I worked diligently to create dog bone cookies with each child’s name on it and thought the end result wasn’t exactly like the picture I pinned but still decent.

My “friend” Martha who thinks she’s perfect     said to her daughter “Oh..I think this is supposed to be your name! It looks like scribbles…”

SORRY!! Martha everything isn’t always as easy as it seems on PINTEREST!!! 

bonecookie

And finally it was time to have a stiff cocktail.  Thankfully one of the moms at the party was kind enough to introduce me to a new and exciting beverage.

fball

I know I am the last to know about this but it is amazing!

Apparently now I drink whisky.

I am pinning images from this post on Pinterest this week.  I have finally learned how to use and enjoy Pinterest.

To kick off the summer I have created a board of summer to-do’s.

If I can squeeze in some pampering I am totally getting this…I saw a girl with it the other day and it was soo cute!!!

pedi

I love stuffed zucchini and I want to try to make it this summer, this turkey sausage recipe caught my eye…

Stuffed-Zucchini-Boats-BobbisKozyKtchn-201302201229

I wasn’t aware that one can grill pound cake.   Whoever thought of that is surely a genius.  I am totally going to be doing that this summer…..

3f28afa71dda0155a0853e087b0a4769

Um….hello smore’s sandwich on grilled poundcake…I love you already…..

smores

And I think I am kind of sick of wine…I think I am kind of loving hard liquor these days…Frozen with lemonade…..Yes please.

vodka

And of course there’s nothing better than strawberry basil martinis on a hot morning afternoon…….

strawberry

And then of course after all of this consumption I need to do a little excercising….

Oh how I despise this woman....

Oh how I despise this woman….and her inappropriate ankle tattoo and her adam’s apple…but she sure does know how to make people skinny….

THIS WEEK SINCE I KNOW YOU ARE JEALOUS OF MY SKILLS AT MAKING MYSTERY MACHINES AND BONE COOKIES I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO JOIN ME ON PINTEREST!!  

THANK YOU!! LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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