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Sorry…I can’t make it


I just knew I wasn’t the only one to hate Caillou!!!   Thanks for all of the reading and sharing last week!!

This weekend kicks off summer, my favorite season.  When you live in Alaska Connecticut, where essentially we have winter from October to June (9 months for anyone who’s counting) the summer days are precious.

I want to spend every moment I can basking in the sunshine.  What I don’t want to do is attend annoying functions to celebrate milestones that may or may not warrant celebrating in the middle of a summer day.

I call these types of functions that cut into my beach time, “sun-wasters.”

Since Mr. Gaga and I have large families and we are both very entertaining people, the invitations just keep pouring in.

Here are some summer functions that I don’t want to get off the beach for…

Your kid’s birthday party in the yard:  My friend Martha was the worst offender of this a couple of years ago.  When I can be at a beach or a pool the last thing I want to do is be in your yard with hot sticky children in a bounce house with face paint dripping down their sweaty faces.

Ironically enough I plan to have Sam’s birthday party in my yard on Friday.

Oopsie...At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow....

Oopsie…At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow….

Somehow even though Sam’s birthday is in May..it always ends up being the hottest day of the year.

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn't feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam's backyard parties again....

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn’t feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam’s backyard parties again….

Kid’s birthday party when it’s not their birthday: People around here just throw birthday parties when it suits them.  Your kid’s birthday is in January but he likes bounce houses? Pretend his birthday is in August and make everyone stop enjoying the beach so that they can be tortured in your yard!

You are moving away and your kid’s birthday is in December? Have the party in the summer before you leave!!

No …I am very sorry people but that’s not how it works.  And if you have a party on the kid’s fake birthday, don’t even think of inviting us again on the real birthday.  How many presents do you think I am going to buy for your kid?

Graduation parties:   I have no problem celebrating someone graduating from college or highschool.  This is no small feat.  However, the commencement for most colleges are in May, high schools are the end of June.  You have until July 4th to wrap this up.   Don’t come knocking on my door in August talking about someone graduating….the ship has sailed my friend.

Reunions: Remember last year when we went to the weeklong reunion of sorts with Mr. Gaga’s family at the “Dirty Dancing” facility?  At least there was a pool there for god sakes.

As I mentioned earlier, we have all 9 months of winter to get together and drink and take trips down memory lane.  I’m not interested in doing that in the sweltering heat with no visible sign of a body of water.

There’s nothing worse than going to some weird picnic with people who you barely know.  To be surrounded by pot luck mayonnaise filled salads and people playing badminton in someone’s hot backyard is just not my cup of tea.

Invite me to meet at a bar in the fall, I will be there with bells on.

Engagement party:  Once we have a close friend or family member get engaged we all know that we are into this blessed occasion from anywhere from $500 to $2000.  Between the showers, bachelor parties, hotels, dresses, gifts, etc. you have to take out a second mortgage.

That being said – why do I have to kick off this money hemorrhage by giving you an engagement gift?

Especially since we are in our mid 30’s.  Just because you decided to stay single this long – don’t take it out on me.  I don’t need to watch you make out and profess your love to each other on a hot summer day….We will see you at the shower and the bachelor party and bachelorette party and the stag and the rehearsal and the wedding.  Really.  We don’t need to get off the beach for this.

Weddings on Holiday Weekends:  Have any of you ever been on the Interstate 95 in CT or NY? How was that experience? Was it enjoyable?

When I think of Satan at the fiery gates of hell, I envision the gates opening up to the I-95 somewhere around Stamford or the Bronx.

95 hell

If you venture onto this little interstate during the months of July and August on a summer weekend you might find yourself contemplating suicide.

If you add to this scenario July 4th or Labor Day, you would have to add 3 hours at least to reach your wedding destination in a timely manner.

It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

All I want to do is go to the beach, take an outdoor shower, enjoy some delightful summer cocktails, eat some grilled food items, eat smores, watch a firework and go to bed.

What I don’t want to do is drive on the I-95 for 10 hours, prespire excessively in some sweatbox of a church, watch you and your family do the macerena, miss the fireworks and get back on the I-95 for another five hours home in the morning.

Showers:   Whether it’s for your pending nuptials or the birth of your child, if the sun is shining I don’t want to be there.

kristen-wiig-as-annie-in-bridesmaids-2011

There’s a beach chair and an US Weekly calling my name and I don’t need to sit here oohing and ahhing while you unwrap 50 Boppy covers.  I also don’t want to play “bridal bingo”  while you open pans and tank tops that say “Sexy little bride.”

In Bridesmaid, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend's bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife....

In the movie Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend’s bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife….

I don’t care to eat some sort of chicken marsala dinner in the middle of the day followed by cake and coffee like I am 85 years old.

There’s nothing worse than going to a shower at 11:30 am and rolling out at like   4 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon in the summer.  You are blinded by the light after being held prisoner for so long and you just have to go home and go to bed because the whole day is destroyed.

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer...It seemed like I hadn't seen the light of day in years....

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer…It was like I hadn’t seen the light of day in years….

In closing, don’t take offense when I don’t come to your event this summer.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I just have olive skin that needs some tanning…..

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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5 responses »

  1. Oh my gosh, you are HILARIOUS! I laughed out loud during so many parts of this post. I have to admit that I had an engagement party…BUT nobody brought gifts–the party was just an excuse to drink tons of beer and wine provided by my dad and to eat his bbq. Dad was the only annoyed one b/c it was hot as hell and he had to grill…oh, and buy all the beer. And this was back in the day when we could all DRINK. I mean, we can still hold our own, but back then, with no kids and our only responsibilities being getting to work on time on Monday…we could DRINK. :)

    Reply
  2. If there is no body of water near by their is no party.

    Reply
  3. Too many parties! I live in NYC and could relate to so much your post. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the I-95 reference! But I’ve never heard of people holding birthday parties whenever they want. That’s just bizarre! Maybe you should show up with a gift on the real birthday next winter and be like, oh, sorry, I’m fashionably late!

    Reply
  4. Pingback: If you liked it than you shoulda put a pin in it…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  5. Pingback: More Beach Rules…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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