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Crying…America’s favorite past-time


All around America little children were crying this weekend, shitting their pants, and refusing to follow rules.

Was it the first day of preschool or lots of really bad playdates?

No.

It was “Opening Day” of baseball of course!!!

This is the start of baseball season.  A sport that is beloved by so many adults in the US that they sign their children up and drag them to a field weekly so that they can display bad behavior dressed up like Derek Jeter.

Mr. Gaga is a coach for Sam’s team of kindergarteners.

Most of them don’t know why they are there.

Most of them don’t listen.

Most of them are not capable of hitting or catching or running.

Saturday the little boy who was playing first base spent the entire game playing in the dirt around the base.

Mr. Gaga told him to stop.

The next time he looked the kid was back down on all fours rubbing dirt all over first base.

Mr. Gaga told him to get up.

The next batter came up to the plate, Mr. Gaga looked and the kid was making a sandcastle on the base.

He told him to stop making sandcastles.

The next time he looked…this is what he saw on first base.

At this point he just gave up....

At this point he just gave up….

When he looked over to see if the kid’s parents might mind that he was pretending to be at a beach instead of playing baseball he realized quickly there was no hope.

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So then the next batter was up and Mr. Gaga didn’t bother with the first base kid.

The kid on the opposite team hit the ball and ran to first base.

This was major.

This kid must understand the game of baseball!

He must be decent at hitting AND running in the right direction!!

When he got to first base he stood on the base with pride.

Then he pissed his pants.

He stood there for a bit and then went to cry to his mother, but that part is not important.

What happened next was fascinating.

When the next batter got up and Mr. Gaga looked over at “sandcastle boy” he had mixed the urine puddle with the dirt to create a muddy texture perfect for sandcastle building.

Mr. Gaga didn’t bother trying to stop him and his parents were probably too busy playing Angry Birds to notice.

Finally Mr. Gaga did the right thing!!

He is WAY too nice to these fat losers little baseball players and their asshole parents    moms and dads.

Everyone in town should count their blessings that it is MR. and not MRS. Gaga that is the coach of this team of urine lovers.

Even the older kids still have some issues.

On Michael’s team of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS, every time one of the boys had to go on the field….HIS MOTHER HELD HIS HAND AND PHYSICALLY BROUGHT HIM OUT.

And there is still an awful lot of crying in baseball.  There was crying because they didn’t want to play, crying because they were out, crying because they didn’t hit the ball, crying because they pissed their pants…..

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids....

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids….

And one last perk to all of this of course……Just like last season.

It’s a tie.

Every game.

Because…….

“If you had fun….you won.”

Can you believe this horse shit?

What will happen when all these little pissy pants kids have to face the world??

God forbid when they ever lose…they are in for a real shock.

Because in real life when you spend your entire lesson game rolling around in dirt and piss….

Well…..you get some sort of bacterial infection and you lose.

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37 responses »

  1. If you had fun, you won. Ha! What a load of shart. Guess who didn’t have fun? This bitch with two thumbs right here. Guess I didn’t won, er, win.

    As usual, you cracked me up. That’s hard to do. Don’t take this responsibility lightly.

    Reply
  2. Oh man. Little League raises my blood pressure like no other. Great post.

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  3. I should add. My husband missed a game the other night and called me from the road mid-game and asked how it was going. I just kept angry-whispering into the phone, “water boarding” over and over while he maniacally laughed.

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  4. Wow, it hasn’t changed since my parents used to drag my brother to baseball and me to softball. I never tortured my first son with it (he was more of a nerdy bookworm) but second son is showing a love for all things sports, like his daddy. Guess we’ll see if baseball enters our lives in the near future. Great post and thank you for the laugh!

    Reply
  5. I am so with you on the BS of everyone wins!!!! And really the pee sandcastle had me cracking up! Awesome post!

    Reply
  6. Your hubs is a saint. I am afraid my hubs will one day coach this teams and he will be a saint too, but I won’t. Love the pic of Twat!

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  7. Wow, I haven’t seen crying since t-ball. It does get better!

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  8. Seems like it would be more fun to be on an actual beach playing in the sand than on a baseball field. That would be a real win!

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  9. it is crazy ridiculous!! we live on the baseball field and the stuff that goes on is just plain silly! but as they get older it does get better, although i am not one for ‘participation’ awards. please.

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  10. I had the same feeling after my daughter’s cheerleading competition. There’s a post in the works for that.

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  11. If I didn’t witness it myself, I would say this story may be a fabrication….uh, no….it all really happened…..wtf is going on in this world?!

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  12. Hahaha! Nothing beats a good urine sandcastle. That kid seems like a very resourceful player. I can’t wait to hear what transpires over the rest of the season.

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  13. This cracked me up. I would not be coaching with this kind of stuff going on–goodNESS. Makes for a great read, though.

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  14. Aren’t these kids a little old for hand holding and pants pissing?!

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  15. Mr. Gaga must have a lot of patience. I can’t imagine coaching/teaching kids (damn, not even mine), let alone others.

    p.s. thanks for stopping by my blog

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  16. Seriously? That whole “if you had fun, you won” thing is total crap. I played soccer for years when I was little, and every single game there was a winner and a loser, and somehow we all manged to survive into adulthood relatively unscathed.

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  17. My son is on t-ball (he’s 6) and they have a no score, no outs, everyone gets a turn policy. I’m accepting it for t-ball, but it better change for little league next year. By the time they are in first grade, they really need to be taught the harsh realities of life.

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  18. I cant stand that “everyone is a winner” mentality. What happens when they get the first shock of loss? This is part of why we have an entire generation of entitled adolescents.

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  19. Mine were always the ones playing in the dirt (not the piss). Which is why the each had only one season in any given sport. I always thought that was plenty of humiliation for me to endure.

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  20. Love the sport. Leave it to the MLB pros. Fun piece!

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  21. modmomelleroy

    Ha! Nailed it. My son “played” soccer last Fall. He thought it was social hour. He used the time to mingle and schmooze while everybody else followed and kicked the ball. I don’t think he knew there was a game going on.

    Reply
  22. Ha! Given the miserable experience I had sitting at a soccer field in sleet last night, I’m looking forward to baseball. Because it’s usually warm, which makes boring bearable.

    Reply
  23. A special needs parent

    Wow, I usually enjoy your blogs because I can relate to a lot of them living in the same town. However this one really upset me. Did you ever stop to wonder WHY the 8 year old player needed his mother to walk him to the plate? Not everyone has children as perfect as yours apparently are and I hope you realize how lucky you are. My son has a medical condition that will probably take his life at a much too young age. He also has autism and significant delays. However he “looks” totally normal. I pray the day comes when he will play on a team with his peers and walk up to that plate. IF it were to ever happen I probably will be holding his hand but I can tell you that my real friends would be cheering for him knowing what an accomplishment this is. People like you who make judgements without knowing the facts make this world a cruel place for my son and me. Oh and by the way- we will be going to Disney World and my son will also be in a stroller. If I ever saw a picture of him on your blog I would go ballistic. He can not walk long distances due to his medical condition. But come hell or highwater or people like you who will give him nasty looks and snicker we will make sure he enjoys every second because when you don’t know how long your children will be with you that is how you live life.

    Reply
    • Let me first begin by apologizing for offending you. Please understand that Mr. Gaga is a special education teacher servicing children with autism. He coaches a little league team of 5 year olds. His family has been avid volunteers for the Special Olympics and Camp Anchor in New York. He has a cousin with down syndrome and another with a hearing impairment. My purpose is to not exploit those children that are special. My purpose is to shed light on parents who shelter and entitle their children causing behaviors that I often reference in my blog. The little league team Mr. Gaga coaches has 4 players with special needs. The child you referenced earlier did not have special needs. He in fact did not like the position he was assigned and threw a temper tantrum and his mother, in an effort to keep him involved, walked him out there……..three times. In the real world, this child would be left on the bench and another player would be called to take his place. Please make no mistake, although I may seem at times insensitive, children with special needs have not and will not ever be the focus of my humor. You stated in your comment that you live In the same town, Mr. gaga would jump at the chance to have you child on his team.

      Reply
  24. As stated earlier, I was present at said baseball game. I can assure anyone that the child who was escorted to and from the field was NOT special needs. I can affirm it because not only was I curious myself and got a closer look, but I too like Mr. Gaga am a Special Educator, specifically for students with Autism Spectrum. The FACT is, particular mother was just a bit overprotective and overbearing.

    Reply
  25. Pingback: An explanation of this blog | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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