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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Crying…America’s favorite past-time


All around America little children were crying this weekend, shitting their pants, and refusing to follow rules.

Was it the first day of preschool or lots of really bad playdates?

No.

It was “Opening Day” of baseball of course!!!

This is the start of baseball season.  A sport that is beloved by so many adults in the US that they sign their children up and drag them to a field weekly so that they can display bad behavior dressed up like Derek Jeter.

Mr. Gaga is a coach for Sam’s team of kindergarteners.

Most of them don’t know why they are there.

Most of them don’t listen.

Most of them are not capable of hitting or catching or running.

Saturday the little boy who was playing first base spent the entire game playing in the dirt around the base.

Mr. Gaga told him to stop.

The next time he looked the kid was back down on all fours rubbing dirt all over first base.

Mr. Gaga told him to get up.

The next batter came up to the plate, Mr. Gaga looked and the kid was making a sandcastle on the base.

He told him to stop making sandcastles.

The next time he looked…this is what he saw on first base.

At this point he just gave up....

At this point he just gave up….

When he looked over to see if the kid’s parents might mind that he was pretending to be at a beach instead of playing baseball he realized quickly there was no hope.

parents-cheering-at-grad

So then the next batter was up and Mr. Gaga didn’t bother with the first base kid.

The kid on the opposite team hit the ball and ran to first base.

This was major.

This kid must understand the game of baseball!

He must be decent at hitting AND running in the right direction!!

When he got to first base he stood on the base with pride.

Then he pissed his pants.

He stood there for a bit and then went to cry to his mother, but that part is not important.

What happened next was fascinating.

When the next batter got up and Mr. Gaga looked over at “sandcastle boy” he had mixed the urine puddle with the dirt to create a muddy texture perfect for sandcastle building.

Mr. Gaga didn’t bother trying to stop him and his parents were probably too busy playing Angry Birds to notice.

Finally Mr. Gaga did the right thing!!

He is WAY too nice to these fat losers little baseball players and their asshole parents    moms and dads.

Everyone in town should count their blessings that it is MR. and not MRS. Gaga that is the coach of this team of urine lovers.

Even the older kids still have some issues.

On Michael’s team of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS, every time one of the boys had to go on the field….HIS MOTHER HELD HIS HAND AND PHYSICALLY BROUGHT HIM OUT.

And there is still an awful lot of crying in baseball.  There was crying because they didn’t want to play, crying because they were out, crying because they didn’t hit the ball, crying because they pissed their pants…..

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids....

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids….

And one last perk to all of this of course……Just like last season.

It’s a tie.

Every game.

Because…….

“If you had fun….you won.”

Can you believe this horse shit?

What will happen when all these little pissy pants kids have to face the world??

God forbid when they ever lose…they are in for a real shock.

Because in real life when you spend your entire lesson game rolling around in dirt and piss….

Well…..you get some sort of bacterial infection and you lose.

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No news is good news


Yet another bad week for America.

Just when I thought it was safe to turn on the news, yet another unspeakable tragedy has occurred.

When I was growing up the news was always on.

The Today Show was on in the morning.  Even if we weren’t watching, Bryant Gumbel and Jane Pauly’s voices served as background noise for most mornings of my childhood.

At night, the background noise was provided by the nightly news with Tom Brokaw or Dan Rather.  There voices would drone on while my mother made dinner every night and we played or did our homework.

That would never happen in this house.

I actually turn on the news in the morning to get a weather report (lord knows we need that around here) and quickly turn the channel the minute Matt Lauer shows his face.

Once actual news starts I immediately turn to something that’s good for children, like Spongebob Squarepants.

I just don’t want them to find out about how horrible the world is before it’s necessary.  Why should they have to worry that they might be murdered at school or at the movie theater?

So, I shelter them….maybe sometimes too much.

The very first time I knew that my children were very sheltered was when they watched the movie “Annie.”  I thought they would enjoy it, because let’s face it, what’s more fun that belting out “The sun will come out tomorrow?”

Who hasn’t pretended to be an overworked orphan singing “Hard Knock Life?”  What children wouldn’t love this cinematic production?

Um…mine.

We had to keep pausing it for their panic-stricken interrogations.

But Mom where are her parents?”

“Um.. I’m not sure.”

“Well, are they going to come get Annie and take her home?”

“Probably not….”

But…are they dead???” the two boys asked with pale-faced horror.

“Umm…I think maybe….”

“WHY???!!!!”

And so on and so on….they couldn’t even enjoy the movie because they were so distraught that Annie’s parents had died.

I guess I hadn’t considered that there has been such a shift in children’s movies that they would find this alarming.  Today’s movies and shows for kids depict life as pretty safe and fun.  Nothing terrible ever happens.

That wasn’t the case in the 80′s.

When I was growing up Bambi’s mother got shot with a gun right in front of her, Cinderella’s mother died and left her to be raised by a wicked stepmother, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had no parents and had to live with her old aunt and uncle and even the Sound of Music children’s mother was dead.

I am sure nobody ever said, “We shouldn’t let the kids watch this movie because they will be upset.”

Growing up I really thought at any given moment my parents could perish and I would be an orphan.  That was real life.

If my kids saw this they would go completely insane....Really the baby curling up for a nap in its mother's pool of blood IS a bit much Disney.....

If my kids saw this they would go completely insane….Really the baby curling up for a nap in its mother’s pool of blood IS a bit much Disney…..

Even as I got older the trend continued.

The Brady boys on the Brady Bunch had no mother.

Arnold and Willis’ mom in Diff’rent Strokes passed away when they were young and left them with some old white guy.

The kids in Gimme a Break had to be raised by their housekeeper when their mom kicked the bucket.

Samantha Micelli’s mother from Who’s the Boss…dead.

Webster’s real parents…dead.

We didn’t even care that all mothers in the television universe were dead!

I was too busy being jealous of how much fun it would be to live with Uncle Jesse to worry about the fact that the girls’ mother in Full House was dead as a doornail.

Another lucky girl was Nicole from My Two Dads, whose mother croaked and left her with 2 really cool dads!!

And the coolest and luckiest girl on the planet was none other than Punky Brewster.  Please read the following description from IMDB of my favorite show when I was 7 years old.

“Punky Brewster” (1984) More at IMDbPro »

Punky Brewster is a show about a girl named Penelope “Punky” Brewster. She is abandoned with her dog, Brandon, in a supermarket by her mother. She doesn’t want to stay in an orphanage, and finally befriends Henry Warnimont who adopts her.

WHAT THE FUCK???

If my kids ever caught wind of this show, they would never go to Trader Joe’s with me again!

I was so jealous of Punky and her treehouse and her mismatched hair elastics and clothes...I didn't give two shits that she got left at a store and was residing with a child molester....

I was so jealous of Punky and her treehouse and her mismatched hair elastics and clothes…I didn’t give two shits that she got left at a store and was residing with a child molester….

Blossom’s mother didn’t even have the decency to die, she just flat out left Blossom and her brothers in the dust and moved to Paris.

We thought we were safe with a show that was actually called “Valerie’s Family,” but no sorry….she died too.

The producers thought if we just change the name and show that their aunt is their having a picnic and playing soccer with them...nobody will mind.

The producers thought if they just changed the show’s name and showed their aunt in the opening credits playing football with the family…nobody would mind the mom being dead.      They were right.

Interestingly enough, I hadn’t realized that I spent my entire childhood watching motherless children navigate the world, until right now.

It’s making me think my kids should toughen up and watch the news.

But then last week I accidentally told them about something in the news and it didn’t go well.  When they started to step into a sink-hole in my neighbor’s yard on the way to the bus stop I freaked out.

“Don’t do that!” I yelled frantically.

“Why?” they asked with their feet raised about to jump in.

Wanting to really be effective in my explanation I said, “It could open up and swallow you up and you could die!”

“How do you know?” Michael asked fearfully.

Against my better judgement, (and we were on our way to the bus stop - so you know that’s not when I am at my best) I said:

“Well a man in Florida was sleeping and a sinkhole under his bed opened up and swallowed him and his house and he died.”

They stared back at me wide-eyed and started peering down into the hole.

Alright, this seems small and admittedly I should maybe lay off the news myself..but you just never know these days....

Alright, this seems small and admittedly I should maybe lay off the news myself..but you just never know these days….

There have been nights that they say they can’t sleep because they are afraid of sinkholes.

Before Disney, they cried and said they didn’t want to go because they could die in Florida.

And the best was when Sam decided he was going to participate in the “Tell” part of Show and Tell and started to “tell” his kindergarten class about the man in Florida.

What proves to me that I am right to shelter my kids is that the kindergarten teacher realized what Sam was about to say and quickly whisked him away and changed the subject before 20 children could lose sleep from enjoy his story.

Mention current events again and your expelled....Got it??

Mention current events again and your expelled….Got it??

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS GOING OUT TO ALL OF THE VICTIMS OF THE BOSTON MARATHON TRAGEDY….HERE’S HOPING FOR A “BREAKING NEWS”-FREE WEEK!!!  PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK IF YOU REMEMBER THESE SHOWS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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What I learned about human beings in Disney World


I don’t want you to think by last week’s post I didn’t enjoy my vacation to Disney World with my family.  I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun we had.

I was envisioning myself miserably waiting on long lines in the heat surrounded by people gnawing on turkey legs.

Wait…that is what happened, but somehow it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.

Plus all along I kept thinking about all the material I was gathering for my blog!!

All that waiting in line sure did give me a picture of human behavior.  I took a few pictures to capture what I was seeing, the funniest thing is that I took pictures of people right up in their grill and none of them noticed!!

I guess it was the magic of Disney!

TEN THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT HUMANS IN DISNEY WORLD:

1 – Crying children don’t bother people:

It actually started on the plane.  There was a baby crying nonstop on the plane.  It was making my skin crawl and when I looked around to see if everyone was annoyed, it seemed nobody cared.

sleeping people

Then when we got to Disney World people were constantly strolling around screaming babies.  Toddlers would have full-blown melt-downs at every turn, and the parents could be seen happily posing in front of Cinderella’s castle with Mickey ears on, as though all was right with the world.

The best was the people who dragged crying toddlers through a line for a ride that they didn’t want to go on.  The kid would be screaming that he hated Pirates in line for Pirates of the Caribbean, and the parents would just be ignoring him, pushing him through the line nonchalantly.

2-People are generally very hungry and thirsty:

I mentioned last week how alarmed I was to find that everyone drank enormous sodas all day in Disney World.  I also found it interesting that people seemed to need lots of snacks throughout the day.  People milled around eating ice cream, popcorn, pretzels, and of course, huge turkey legs.

We kind of got sucked in to this non-stop eating.  Any beverage or snack we purchased was always marketed as being “refillable.” Apparently people just love “refilling” every open container they own.

For example, we bought a small plastic container of popcorn for $8 and then we were able to refill it all day for 99 cents a refill.    We ate our weight in popcorn that day.

Mr. Gaga bought a “refillable” pilsner glass that proved to be very enjoyable as well.

3 – Couples go on romantic getaways to Disney World:

To each his own, but I don’t quite understand how this could be a romantic getaway.  Have I mentioned the screaming toddlers? The huge beverages?  The enormous people running over your toes with their motorized carts?

How about Aruba or Turks and Caicos for your romantic pleasures?

That way when we are in line for a ride, we don’t have to look at this:

kissing2

I am sorry – but get a room please….and also while you are at it can you please wear shorts and a shirt that fit? People who are behind you in line for 45 minutes with their children shouldn’t have to look at this.

4 – People are obsessed with Mickey Mouse:

The joy that people get from this mouse and his friends is shocking.  When the characters come out people wait in line for hours to get their autograph!!!

I find this amazing.  I hate to be “Debbie Downer” but, we all know that this is some weird guy in a mouse suit right?

And the ears? People wear those ears like nobody’s business.  It’s like when people walk around with Santa Hats on at Christmastime, they think it’s perfectly normal just to walk around pretending that they are Mickey Mouse all day.

This is a very common scene...tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas....

This is a very common scene…tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas….

5 – Pregnant women can be unstoppable:

Kudos to the dozens of pregnant women I saw pushing strollers, waiting in lines, eating turkey legs…..

Sorry, but if I was pregnant this place would seem like hell on earth.

I would be puffy from all the popcorn and the heat, my feet would be swollen, my legs would hurt and I would probably want to cry myself from all of the crying children.  Oh yeah, and guess what?

You can’t go on rides when you’re pregnant so you can spend your time in the stroller park waiting for the rest of your party.

6 - What’s a stroller park you ask?

It’s where you park your stroller while you go on a ride.

This is a typical group of strollers outside a ride....

This is a typical group of strollers outside a ride….

One might think that strollers would be limited to children that are very small and need to be strolled around due to size and age.  That is not the case.

Apparently in America, there is no size or age to large for a stroller.

Humongous children are placed in double strollers in Disney World and pushed around by their indulgent parents so that the children don’t have to get too tired or exert themselves too much.

It can prove difficult to navigate through the park, watching out for lazy people in motorized carts and these parents and their adult-sized children in strollers.

Even yelling out “What the fuck?!” loudly as a woman ran over my entire foot with her man-child in a stroller, didn’t stop her as she zipped off into the sunset.

I mean look how much larger she is than the stroller!! If that guy lets go - the whole thing will tip over!

I mean look how much larger she is than the stroller!! She’s a tween for god sakes!! If that guy let’s go – the whole thing will tip over!

Just an idea….they should call it “Stroller World.”

7 – People are good:

I don’t know if it was because everyone is under some sort of magical spell or something, but people were so nice and so pleasant in Disney World.  Any staff we encountered were very helpful and cheerful, and happy!

Also, in stroller world, people leave their strollers out unattended with cameras, bags, baby supplies, etc.  and nobody worries about stealing!

It’s a downright utopia!

8 – Injuries do not deter people from enjoying Disney World:

I don’t know what is happening in this country, maybe people aren’t being careful…maybe they aren’t drinking enough milk and their bones aren’t up to par….but I have never seen so many injured people in my life.

Everywhere I looked people with broken limbs were hopping on rides and gnawing on turkey legs!

People with casts for broken bones or other serious injuries could be found in every line.  Take it easy people! Maybe you should be home resting!!

They all just limp along finding another ride to go on or turkey bone to lick...

They all just limp along finding another ride to go on or turkey bone to lick…

mickeyfam

Look how this guy balances his massive soda with a broken hand!! These injured people are so determined!!!

9 – It’s a great place to cure yourself of OCD:

If I pump gas or touch a cart at the grocery store, I can’t even think straight until I douse myself and the children with gallons of hand sanitizer.  We recently went bowling and I scrubbed inside all the holes in the balls before I would let the kids use them.  I went to Disney World armed with wipes and hand sanitizer galore.  It proved to be fruitless.

The very first ride we went on was Star Tours in Hollywood Studios.  When we got through the line, and were about to go on the ride, we were told to grab a pair of 3D glasses.  I stared helplessly at the glasses and weighed the options.

Could I convince my family to go on the ride without them to avoid the filth and bacteria that was thriving on these plastic germ-bombs?

Could I convince my family to go on the ride without glasses to avoid the bacteria that was thriving on these plastic germ-bombs?

I took a deep breath and put them on and enjoyed the ride.  I soon realized that every other ride we went on required these disgusting glasses and that we had to touch filthy seatbelts and get splashed with filthy water and sit on filthy seats throughout the day.

It was hopeless.  I threw in the towel to the point where I stopped even feeling dirty.

When we got to Mexico in Epcot I only thought about lice for a fleeting moment as I snapped this picture of Michael and Sam.

mexico2

10 –People like to waste their money:

Everywhere you turn there is Disney World merchandise for sale.  It’s insane.  Everywhere you turn your kids are asking for something.  Everywhere you turn people are buying the craziest Mickey Mouse stuff.

I have enough problems with my messy house, the last thing I need is 4 pairs of Mickey Mouse ears lying around….

Or Pirates of the Caribbean swords…..

Or pirate hooks…..

Or two $25 light sabers…..

Or Star Wars light saber key chains

Or Disney World refrigerator magnets

Or a Universal Studios mug…..

Or a Mickey Mouse Christmas ornament…..

Or Mickey Mouse salt and pepper shakers…..

Or a Spongebob ball

Or a Japanese headband from Epcot

Or a Mexican instrument-thingy of some sort from Epcot

Or a Spongebob shirt

Well what do you know…I got the merchandise fever and purchased everything listed above…..

like an idiot.

WELL ACTUALLY AT LEAST I HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO NOT BUY THE $25 MOUSE EARS!!!!  CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!!  THANK YOU!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Mayor Bloomberg would hate Disney World


I have a great reason for not blogging last week. I was collecting material for my blog, enjoying a wonderful vacation to Disney World with my family.
There’s just so much to talk about it is hard to pin it all down into one post. Today I am going to discuss our “meal plan” that was part of our vacation package. (You know I love to talk about food.)
The plan we had allowed us to each have one snack, one full service meal, and one “quick-service” meal per day.   Our first day we got off the plane and went straight to the park, arriving into Disney around 11 AM. After a couple of hours we were hungry so we decided to stop and utilize a “quick service” meal. This had been described to us as something that can be ordered at a counter, such as a hot dog or sandwich.

We found a place that looked pretty good and I ordered hot dogs for the kids and sandwiches for Mr. Gaga and myself.

I was informed by the girl taking the order that the meals would all come with fries and drinks.
“Great!” I said to the girl as she grabbed a tray and I started to swipe my card.
“Wait, what desserts would you like?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You all get desserts…we have cheesecake, chocolate mousse cake or crème brulee.”
I stared blankly.

Who the hell eats crème brulee in the middle of the day in sunny 85 degree weather?
“What?” I asked, stalling for time as a crowd formed behind me. She repeated the choices, I made a decision finally, sensing the people in the line behind me were losing patience.
Mr. Gaga had taken the tray by then and had filled everyone’s drinks. I headed back to the table with enough food to feed an army. Mr. Gaga was grabbing condiments and napkins and I looked up to see Michael heading towards me with a tray of the largest beverages I have ever seen.

The tray was leaning dangerously towards the ground. The weight of the insanely large drinks was too much for his little arms.
Before I could help him the tray tipped and a huge tidal wave of diet coke came towards me and Sam.

We screamed. “Help me Mama!” cried Sam as the soda tsunami came rushing towards him. I couldn’t save him, and before we knew it we were both drenched with soda.

The soda was so large that it exploded and one of the rides had to be shut down for the day....

The soda was so large that when it spilled one of the rides had to be shut down for the rest of the day….

We stared at Michael who stood holding the empty tray limply. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes.
“It’s ok Michael, it was an accident,” I said as I started to wipe up the table. Mr. Gaga came strolling over at this point. “It’s your father’s fault for making you carry 50 gallons of soda alone.” I said with disgust while I wrung out my shirt.
“I told him to wait for me!” Mr. Gaga protested.
“Well who the fuck drinks this much soda in the first place?” I demanded pointing to the enormous cups that had fallen off the tray.
“It’s the size that comes with the lunch!” he said defensively.
That’s the size that comes with the lunch? So every meal we order comes with a beverage filled with high fructose corn syrup as big as my house?
Call me Mayor Bloomberg but I found this highly problematic.

We all sat down and started eating.

“You talk about me getting big sodas…why did you buy 4 chocolate cakes?” Mr. Gaga asked me with disgust.

I looked at all of the food and drinks.  “They made me.” I answered helplessly.
That night we checked into the hotel and upon check in they handed us 4 huge Mickey Mouse mugs.

imagesCA6E6ZQE
“What are these for?” I asked.
“Oh they are refillable! You can fill them up all day and night for free throughout your stay at the hotel!”
“How many fucking beverages does a human being need around here?” I asked Mr. Gaga as I tossed the cups into a bag in our room.

The next morning as we were in line for our shuttle we noticed everyone was drinking coffee out of their refillable mugs. That was a good idea. Later in the afternoon, I filled mine with ice coffee by the pool.

Oh and by the way - I should have known we were in trouble when this is LITERALLY what one of the pools at our hotel looked like.....

Oh and by the way – I should have known we were in trouble when this is LITERALLY what one of the pools at our hotel looked like…..

Mr. Gaga came strolling over with the kids all drinking out of their enormous mugs. The kids had root beer and he had yet another enormous diet coke.
“Why do you keep drinking so much diet coke?” I demanded. “Your committing suicide….”
He shrugged, “I don’t want to drink anything with sugar,” he said as he guzzled it down.
“You are like all the rest of these soda-guzzling Americans, do you know that there’s no sugar but there’s like battery acid and tar remover in there? You are going to die! You can’t drink any more diet coke the rest of the vacation!” I pleaded.
The next day I ordered a club soda with my meal.
“We don’t offer club soda,” the waitress answered. “You can buy a bottled water for 3 bucks.”
This is a common trend. If you don’t choose to drink an Atlantic Ocean size drink of soda, then you are penalized. I accepted my fate and paid for water.
Mind you I have told you all many times I am a fat person with baby weight that I still haven’t lost since I had my six-year-old son….however I try to make somewhat sane decisions when I am consuming food and beverages. Drinking soda morning, noon and night somehow seems like insane behavior to me.

By the end of the trip I gave up and just sat on my bed and drank soda all night like it was my job....

By the end of the trip I gave up and just sat on my bed and drank soda all night like it was my job….

I come from a town where if you don’t buy everything from Whole Foods then you are a moron. People here would lump high fructose corn syrup into the same categories they would put guns and crystal meth. To be surrounded by crowds of people who just down soda with reckless abandon is startling.
Was this an accurate picture of America. Do Americans really just guzzle soda all day by the gallon?
Well, I hate to say it, but by the size of the humans that were walking around, zipping around on motorized carts, in Disney World, then yes….yes they do.
Everywhere we went we were met with hoards of overweight people with Mickey Mouse ears on and fanny packs strapped onto their motorized carts.

This is a very common scene...tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas....

This is a very common scene…tremendously large humans with Mickey Mouse ears on with huge sodas….These people only left their carts so they could get a good seat for the parade.

“I’m sorry did I miss the episode of the Mickey Mouse Club when Mickey announced he loved fat people and soda?” I asked Mr. Gaga. “I don’t get it.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we were making our way through the crowds of obese people.
“Well they are fat because they drink soda and the fact that they are so fat and lazy that they can’t walk doesn’t help,” he pointed out.
I looked around and realized at the moment that about half of the people in the park were driving carts and half were walking.
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed, “I thought everyone was injured!”
Mr. Gaga stared at me like I was an idiot.

When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!

When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!

After a few days in the Magic Kingdom we made our way to Epcot Center.
“Hey did you notice there aren’t any motorized carts here?” Mr. Gaga pointed out.
“Oh yeah…I wonder why?” I said as I looked over the map of the Epcot. “Oh!! I bet we will see them in “America!”

After enjoying music, culture and food in Japan, France, Italy and Mexico I was afraid to see what “America” had to offer.

“It’s just going to be big enormous people laying on couches everywhere eating McDonalds and drinking huge sodas.” I said to Mr. Gaga as we made our way.

“Or enormous children playing video games,” Mr. Gaga offered.

We were pleasantly surprised that neither of those features were the focus of the America showcase in Epcot.

Thank God….it would be totally embarrassing if the world found out the truth about us.

It’s best to keep this little soda problem a secret between you, me, Mickey Mouse and Mayor Bloomberg.

There’s plenty more to discuss about Disney World and America….stay tuned in my next post when I discuss more disturbing human behaviors that I witnessed on my trip!

SINCE I INCLUDE MYSELF IN THE FAT CATEGORY YOU CANNOT GET MAD AT ME FOR MAKING FUN OF ALL THE MOTORIZED CART RIDERS IN DISNEY!!!  PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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