We had a “Parents Night Out” fundraiser for the kids’ school last night at a local club. Let me tell you, there’s nothing funnier than a bunch of washed up nerds hanging out at a club. I include myself in that as well, as I find that with age my nights out have changed significantly.
My parents took the kids overnight, so it one of the rare nights when we really had no reason to come home at a certain time. We geared up for a wild night of partying, and I realized a few sad facts.
TEN THINGS I AM OFFICIALLY TOO OLD FOR:
#1 – Leaving the house past 5 PM: After working all day, I rushed home and got changed to go out. As I was getting dressed I was so tired, I would have loved to just put on some sweats and watch Homeland.
“Is it wrong that I don’t want to go out at all and I just want to lay on the couch?” I asked Mr. Gaga.
“I was thinking the same thing,” he said.
If we weren’t meeting people out, we probably would have come dangerously close to staying home and passing out by 9:30.
#2 – Staying out late: A couple of weeks ago, Mr. Gaga’s cousin and sister came for a visit and we went out to happy hour. After a few rounds of drinks at two bars and some appetizers, we were clearly done drinking. I asked for the tab to be closed and started getting my coat on.
“Where are we going next?” the 25-year-old cousin asked.
“Home.” I answered incredulously.
“Um….it’s 7:30 on a Saturday night.” she said staring at us with despair.
We looked at our phones, that we were sure would say midnight, and son of a gun she was right.
We went to another bar and drank more, when we finally came home I passed out cold in my bed. It was 9:30.
#3 – Dressing provocatively: In my hay-day I’ve been known for some skimpy outfits. I especially loved to wear low-cut, cleavage enhancing tops and mini-skirts. When I first met Mr. Gaga’s family one of his older aunts famously asked me where my skirt was.
When I first started dating Mr. Gaga I had a shirt that me and my friends called the “break-up” shirt which I would wear if we were in a fight or breaking up. It was made out of sheer netting with a camouflage print on it and I would wear it with just a bra, jeans and some sort of sexy heel. I was a big hit at the bars.
Now that I am old and fat, I tend to wear more clothing. If I wear something cleavage enhancing it gives me chest wrinkles and I am too cold. My “out” clothes now are loose and often covered with big scarves to keep warm. I put on a wedge heel last night, and Mr. Gaga said “You can’t wear those! You will fall!”
#4 –Wine: I abstained from drinking for a good 7 years or so, mostly because I was either pregnant or had a baby to tend to for much of that time. When Sam was 3 I started drinking wine occasionally to take the edge off. Wine became a regular beverage as it is civilized and lady-like, and acceptable at
playdates, lunch with a friend, the park in a coffee mug, book club or dinner. Apparently when consumed in large quantities at older ages, it can cause acid reflux, severe stomach pains, and severe vomiting. As I have been experiencing these side effects lately, I was under strict instructions not to drink wine, by Mr. Gaga.
#5 – Drinking on an empty stomach: As soon as I dressed, I ran downstairs to eat some crackers so that I wouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach. Lord knows you cannot rely on the PTO for food, last year I learned the hard way and ended the night throwing up. I have mentioned many times, how the people in this town have a blatant disregard for food. So if you paid $50 to go to a fundraiser and it was a cash bar, this is totally the dinner you would expect when you got there right?
#6 – Shots: Yes, I said straight vodka. In college I used to do Rumplemintz and Jagermeister shots all the time. When a “shot girl” came around with flavored vodkas, I did some quick math and figured college wasn’t THAT long ago. I should be fine. Come to find out, I am not fine at all. As I took the third one off the tray from the girl, Mr. Gaga looked at me and shook his head. “Don’t do it!” he warned probably with visions of holding my hair back later. I didn’t listen.. I had 5, in between my raspberry lemonade martinis which I lost count of.
#7 – Young people: We are truly past our prime. When I looked around at all of the parents I was shocked at how old and fat and weathered everyone was. We left the fundraiser and hit an Irish pub that attracts a much younger crowd. Mr. Gaga was convinced that some girls were checking him out. He decided to go to the bathroom and see if they looked at him or hit on him, so he could come back and tell me how hot he is. They didn’t even look at him once.
“I really thought they were looking at me.” he said with disappointment.
“They were probably saying ‘Why is that old wrinkled guy here?’ I answered matter-of-factly.
We have to face facts now. We really can’t pass for our twenties anymore. I am officially a cougar.
#8-Regular makeup: Since I am no spring chicken, this shit needs to be spackled and glued and waterproofed. When things are getting wild, I could be feeling young and having fun and one quick trip to the bathroom can ruin my night. In my old age, I have made my way to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and been horrified to see an old face with smeared eye-makeup.
#9 – Taking a cab: Like responsible citizens that drink too much, we took a cab to the function. This is not the norm around these parts. In Connecticut, everyone just drives. You go out and you have a designated driver who maintains control over the situation and then you go home like civilized humans.
You do not take a cab to the function, and then get completely trashed, and then get a ride home from your new Star Wars cookie friends in a state of complete intoxication.
#10 - Recovery: In my youth, a quick egg sandwich in the morning washed down with some water and coffee and my body could bounce back by noon from a long night of drinking.
Now it could take weeks. Not only physically, but the emotional shame of being Lindsay Lohan takes a toll.
Mr. Gaga and I started drinking at 6 PM and we rolled into bed at 12:30. We woke up completely bewildered, possibly still drunk and horrified by what we might have done or said to embarrass ourselves.
“Do you think everyone hates us?” I asked as rolled out of bed.
“I was just wondering the same thing…” he answered.
I guess we will find out at the next school function.
WELL IF EVERYONE HATES ME, AT LEAST ITS NOTHING NEW…PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW SO AT LEAST I KNOW THAT YOU DON’T HATE ME…THEN I MIGHT NEED SOME THERAPY. XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA