I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?
Am I trivializing this too much?
It seems a little dramatic.
Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?
I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?
Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800′s. Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.
I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays. I am just throwing that out there.
Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?
Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!
You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?
Well….you heard it here first people. I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week. Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.
I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.
First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop. You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning. I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor. As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming? How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.
Secondly, thank you Catholic church. You never cease to amaze me. This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday. Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint. When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.
Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives. I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine. Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.
Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog. Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.
He understands me. He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom. He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.
Also, he inspires me. When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.
I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate. I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.
Thank you State of Connecticut. If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant. I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn. I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.
And finally, thank you mothers of today.
Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.
Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt, thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child. Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.
Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE! I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA