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Monthly Archives: February 2013

Foul Balls


Some weeks, as Sunday approaches I start to get nervous.

Some weeks go by in a flash and nothing outrageous has happened. I start to worry about what I will blog about.  Sometimes I think, maybe everyone is starting to be normal and life is boring and there’s nothing to say.

But then – I just venture out into my INSANE town that is FILLED with LUNATICS and I will always have some material to work with.

My schedule worked out this weekend so I was able to make it to the kids basketball games Saturday morning before work.  I have missed a bunch, so the kids were happy to have me there.  Sam’s game went well and we moved over to the next court for Michael’s game immediately following.

I only knew one mother there and sat down next to her.  This happened to be the mother I know who always posts on Facebook “how blessed she is to be homeschooling.”  You might imagine we have very little in common.

We made small talk while Michael was lining up with his teammates to start his game.  A boy he doesn’t know was behind him and kicked him in the back of the leg for no reason.  Michael turned to face him.

“Stop kicking!” he said to the kid.

The kid just looked at him and wound up and kicked him hard in the privates.

Michael hunched over in pain and started crying.  I sat on the bleachers slack-jawed watching the coach reprimand the penis-kicker.   My mind raced as to what would be the way to respond to this assault.

It would be a perfect time for Michael to turn into a wolf but that seemed unlikely.

mjfox

teen wolf dunk

I’m sorry – but by the way, does it seem strange that we fully accepted this as a quality cinematic production starring Michael J. Fox? Look at his legs please.

The coach ran over and sent the “junk-kicker” over to his dad on the bleachers.

I stared down the kid with a look of disgust and horror as much as I could but he didn’t even glance my way. I whipped my head around to adjust my squinty eyeball glare towards the Dad but he didn’t care either.

I tried to size up the situation and figure out why both of these people were immune to my evil glare and realized that the father was a huge Richie Cunningham look-alike with what seemed to be the same nerdy disposition.

I almost could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines encouraging his kid to be an asshole...

I could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines doing this to his kid when he kicked Michael…

He didn’t say ONE WORD to his balls-kicking devil child, and he didn’t say ONE WORD TO US OR MICHAEL as tears poured down his cheeks and Mr. Gaga took him to the bathroom to assess the situation.

You know what Opie – maybe say you are sorry that your son is a huge douchebag….or say “I am so sorry that Michael is infertile now because my kid is a testicle-destroying asshole.”

At the very least make some sort of show pretending to reprimand your kid.

Any appropriate response will do.

None of that happened.  Nothing happened.  It was as though I was in the twilight zone.

While my son was now missing the start of his game, the balls-kicker sat on Richie Cunningham’s lap and stared straight ahead watching the game.

Smoke poured out of my ears while I desperately thought how I could properly punish these horrible people.

When Michael came back from the bathroom with pink cheeks and puffy eyes I called him over.

“If that kid touches you one more time – you have permission to punch him as hard as you can in the face.” I said furiously and loudly.

Mr. Gaga stared at me with alarm as Michael ran onto the court.

“What?” I demanded.

“Everyone is staring at you now, maybe you should go to work.” he whispered.

“I don’t care.”

I started to get my stuff together to leave for work and guess who decided to pipe in with her two cents?

Homeschooling blessed mom!!!

“You know…you are not telling Michael the right thing to do….” she said with a smile.

Did this bitch have a death wish or what?
“Um, I am teaching my child to defend himself and not just stand around getting kicked in the balls by a maniac who has a father that allows such behavior.”

She continued to smile and said “Hitting is not the answer.”

I was going to lose my mind.

“Listen, when you ever let your kids venture out of your house – you might find that the real world is a little rough – and your kids are going to get their asses kicked…..If Michael punches that kid today I will give him a high-five.”

She looked at me and shook her head and said sadly, “I know you will.”

I took that moment to exit the gym.  I called a friend on the way to work to relay the story, who thankfully agreed that the whole scenario was obscene.  Then she gave me a great idea.

“Maybe next weekend, if that mom is there just go up to her and kick her in the crotch and see what happens.”

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don't like.....

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don’t like…..

Basketball games just got a lot more fun.

Linking to “I don’t like Mondays blog hop”

TILL NEXT WEEK!!! PLEASE CLICK BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME !!!   XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!


I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800′s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?

Mine!

Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED FOR ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CIRCLE OF MOMS WEBSITE!  I AM SURE MY THERAPIST WILL HELP ME GET OVER THE FACT THAT I WAS VOTED THE 89TH FUNNIEST MOM BLOG….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Blizzard Etiquette


Here in Connecticut we pretty much are at the point where we expect some sort of weather catastrophe every 2 months.

As usual, Blizzard Charlotte didn’t disappoint.

Gone are the days when there’s a snow storm and you stay home for a day, make a snowman, drink some hot chocolate and proceed with business as usual the next day.

Oh no – the nonsense began on Thursday – and school is closed tomorrow.

That will be DAY 4 of being indoors as a happy family.

Thursday and Friday morning were more storm preparation days when everyone was driving around like maniacs stockpiling food and gas hoarding to get ready for the blizzard.

I get it – it’s unpleasant and stressful, but people need to calm the fuck down.

The world is not ending.

Calm down people and stop being assholes.

Precipitation is not a green light for you to let loose all of your bad personality traits on strangers. Here are some rules:

TEN RULES OF BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE:

1 – YOU DON’T NEED THAT MUCH BREAD:

Of course I was at the store with everyone else in the world on Thursday stocking up on food supplies for the weekend.  I was basically thinking snacks, lunch and dinner, maybe some brownies.

Lo and behold the shelves were bare, because people act like they are going to be stuck in their house for 6 months.  This was the bread aisle.

bread-aisle-pre-storm-photo-by-jenneen-lee

And then there was this….

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

When I got home with a plantain and a box of firecrackers, I turned on the local news and they were interviewing a woman while she loaded up her car with groceries and she had no less than 50 loaves of bread in her trunk!!

BAD BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE YOU BREAD HOARDER!! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN TOWN THAT MIGHT LIKE A SANDWICH??

2 – AT GAS STATION KEEP PURCHASES LIMITED TO GAS

So after the grocery store was a bust I headed out to get gas.  After going to a couple of gas stations that ran out of gas, I landed at one that just had 6 huge lines.  It’s hard to pick which line to jump into – but I chose to get behind a guy that had a little car and he was in the middle of pumping, so I figured he would be quick.

He finished pumping, hung up the gas nozzle, pressed some buttons and then moseyed on into the gas station.  Cursing him, I glanced into my rearview to see if I could back up and switch lines, but I was blocked in.

We were all very pissed off.   When it’s the end of the world, anything can cause a riot.

After 15 minutes of waiting as more and more cars lined up behind me, he came out with a COFFEE!!!!

By the time he came out with his coffee - I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way.....

By the time he came out with his coffee – I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way…..

NO!!!!

NOT ALLOWED!!!!!

If it is Blizzard prep time and there is a gas line – you need to get your mid-afternoon coffee elsewhere, my friend.

#3 – MAKE WISE CHOICES ABOUT WHERE TO HUNKER DOWN:

My parents took this opportunity to go to their beach house before the storm “because they have a generator there.”  I tried to convince them that it was a bad idea but they don’t listen.

So of the 9000 households in the entire state of Connecticut that lost power, guess which town they were all in?

The town where my parent’s have their beach house of course!!

And the generator that my parents were so excited about? Oh yeah.. it broke.

Great idea!!!

After my mother told me this I called her back to check and see if they had found a solution.

“Well your father went out back and he got the generator going, but when the power went on in the house it exploded the television and now something’s burning in the house and we don’t know where…I have to go.” she hung up abruptly.

Later they ran out of gas for the generator because they had not planned properly and ended up nearly freezing to death.

While the “end of the world” people are insane – people who don’t prepare at all and make horrible choices that are unsafe are equally as disturbing.

Just sayin….

#4 -TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCOMPLISH SMALL TASKS:

Once you are snowed in – my theory is that it is a good time to organize, clean and get some projects done that you never have time for.

If you are left for too long with nothing to do it’s not good for you.  We went sledding today and a friend told me that her friend was going so crazy in the house with his wife and children that he signed up for Ashley Madison!!!!

I heard from friends and neighbors that were intoxicated for 3 days straight.

This is a perfect time to weed through the hoarding.

While I busily cleaned out Sam’s closet and shelves, I was knee-deep in LEGO’s and books when Sam casually mentioned that Mr. Gaga was snoring downstairs.

Not on my watch, buddy.  Too much down-time, sleeping, eating and drinking can lead to depression, fatness and divorce.

CLEAN AND ORGANIZE!!!  TRUST ME!

 #5 – WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS

Mr. Gaga would actually throw me into a burning fire to help strangers.  His “helpfulness” is a problem that we have been working on.

So it was shocking to me when our snowblower broke and we shoveled for 5 hours and nobody cared to help.

People with snowblowers just waved, zipped through their entire driveway and then dusted off their coats and headed indoors.

Are you kidding me??  Our cars were covered with so much snow that it took approximately 2 hours just to get them out.

car

We worked from 8:30 am until 12:30 to get this far…meanwhile our neighbor had done his entire driveway, dug out 4 cars and was sipping a scotch watching us out the window….

OUR BACKS ARE BROKEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!

#6 – DON’T LOSE STEAM

When you live in Antarctica and everything you own is covered with 3 feet of snow, you lose sight of what’s ok and not ok.

For example, after 4 delirious hours of back-breaking work – the vehicle above looked like it was in good shape to us.

At the time, this is what we actually saw when we looked at it:

[pictures_4ever_eu]%20saab,%20car,%20tuning,%20palm%20trees,%20beach%20126592

So I understand how you can lose steam and get confused about what is appropriate, but you must completely uncover your windshield and car roof before departing.  It is a must.  I think it’s even the law.

If you have dug out your driveway and car - just take a minute and at least dust off the windshield.

My neighbor decided to leave today with about 3 inches of windshield space clear.

van

He just peeled out of his driveway with van like this….

This is not advisable.

#7 – MOTHERS DON’T LIKE SNOW

There’s nothing worse than having a broken back from shoveling, having to watch your neighbors smoke cigars in their freshly snowblown driveways, knowing that your insane parents are living in a cold, powerless house that may or may not be on fire and then having your wretched children through a snowball at you.

Snowmen, balls, and forts are all Mr. Gaga territory.  The end.

#8 – SLEDDING ETIQUETTE FOR MORONS

Back in the day, children had common sense and inherently knew enough not to walk back up the middle of the hill while 30 children are waiting to go down on their sleds.

Not today.

We took the kids sledding and several children (one that was especially bad) would just walk right up the hill so nobody could go and then she would sit her bratty ass right down in front of the kids that were waiting and take another turn!!!

I had 3 days indoors at this point so I was loudly disagreeing with this behavior.

“Is she fucking kidding me right now?” I asked Mr. Gaga loudly amidst parents and young children.

His eyes bulged out of his head.  “BE QUIET!” he muttered.

That was the first time.

Then she did it AGAIN!!!

“What is she a dick?? Where are her parents?” I demanded.

(*In today’s world – on top of the children being little assholes the parents are all on the hill with the children micromanaging the sledding operation.)

Mr. Gaga took the kids and sleds and diplomatically moved to a different area of the hill, before any more trouble brewed.

Thank God – because things were about to get ugly.

#9 -IF YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, SOMEONE WILL GO INSANE

Because Mr. Gaga kind of steered me away from the brat on the hill, he thought  a crisis was averted.  However, what he failed to realize was that this town and in particular this hill was filled with little and big assholes.

Eventually it wasn’t just one little girl going up the wrong way…it was everyone!!!

hill

See how the children wait patiently at the top while 12 fucking twat-kids walk up the hill in front of them?

Finally, one of the kids couldn’t take it anymore and she went flying down the hill and took out a couple of kids.  Well, when that happened suddenly a dad went running down the hill to help his injured child and start yelling up the hill.

He was holding his enormous (too old to not know better 12-year-old daughter) and yelling at the whole crowd.

“PARENTS!! PARENTS!!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK UP THE SIDE OF THE HILL!! THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!”

Oh really you moron? You just noticed?

#10 – NO TEXTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLEDDING HILL

It’s really sad that today’s society is so dumb that this has to be on my list of rules.

At the end of all the sledding torture we were getting ready to leave and the safest way to get to the bottom of the hill and our car was to sled down.

I got ready to go.  I was on a saucer and Mr. Gaga was on a toboggan ahead of me, but we couldn’t go because there was a mother in the middle of the hill who had stopped midway up to TEXT!!

Yes – so I was waiting for her to finish her TEXT and move…but she didn’t.

“Just go.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“We are going to knock her over,” he answered.

“Good – she deserves it.” I answered.

Off he went purposely veering his sled away from the texter.

Off I went gunning for her with all my might.

As I came about two feet away she looked up and took one step back, enough so I could only kick her lightly with my boot.

“Oops,” she said as I sped by.

Right….ooops lady….whatever helps you sleep at night.

STAY WARM AND PLEASE REMEMBER THESE TIPS THE NEXT TIME THERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER – WHICH ACCORDING TO MY CONNECTICUT CALCULATIONS SHOULD BE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

ONLY A FEW DAYS LEFT TO VOTE!!!! PLEASE VOTE ONCE A DAY!!!

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Chuck E. Cheese – A Public Service Announcement


If I have said it once I have said it a million times….

Chuck E. Cheese is the devil.

Now, as if I need more any more “ammunition” for my argument…a woman at the Chuck E. Cheese just one town away from here, has been arrested for “brandishing a gun” inside the Chuck E. Cheese during an argument with another parent.

CHUCKY

Now don’t get me wrong…..I can see how having a gun readily available at the most vile place on earth- could get tricky.

But the point is…just stay away people.

Don’t get lured in to this mouse’s clutches, with his big smile and his gold tokens.

It’s not enough that there’s the germs, the disgusting cardboard food, the wretched children that nobody is watching…now apparently you have to worry about being shot at.

I am reposting my original stance on the Chuck – just in case you have forgotten:

Where a Kid can be a Kid

QuantcastBirthday party season has begun.

As painful as some of these birthday parties have been – we have managed to avoid one place.

A couple of weeks ago, we got an invitation for both kids to go to a birthday party.  Sometimes I throw invitations I don’t like into the garbage and hope for the best – but there was no way that I would get away with that for a party that they were both invited to.  I would not be able to beat the system….

Unless…..

“Wait – Michael has soccer practice on Friday nights! Oh well….can’t go.” I said as my husband ( I will just call him Mr. Gaga) and I were standing at our kitchen island going through the mail.

“They are going to the party,” he said without even looking up from something he was reading.

So let me give a little background on this situation.  Mr. Gaga played football his whole life, like it was his job.  As a result, he never really made it to a lot of birthday parties.

Guess what his prize was for all of his hard work?

Was he getting fat eating Smurf cake or getting bruised knees from all of the falling down at the roller-rink like the rest of us? (it was the 80′s)

No!

He got to go to college for free!!

Not even just a “here are some free classes and a free room scholarship” – The full ride I am talking about is the kind where you don’t even buy a french fry or a pencil.

Stone-cold free college at a Division 1 School.

Oh – that was a totally horrible thing that happened right??

Boo- hoo.

You can see why he would still be harboring weird resentments regarding Chuck E. Cheese – right?

“What the eff are you talking about? He doesn’t have to go to the party.” I said.

“Just let him be a kid and have fun – he’s 5 years old – he can miss a practice.” he replied with exasperation.

“OoooKaaayyy, they can go to the party,” I said slowly,”But don’t you think it would be good to teach him about practicing and what it means to commit to a team, and so forth?”

He looked at me like I was an idiot – “Come on – it’s first grade soccer – It’s not a big deal.”

“Ok – well good thing Tiger Wood’s father didn’t think like that……or Lynne Spears.”  – (Damn it – those were the only people I could think of that started their careers as children -but I knew I just shot myself in the foot.)

He couldn’t wait to reply – “Oh yeah – how did that turn out?”

I shrugged – “Ok – then maybe you’re right.  When I go to the party I am going to ask to speak to someone about what kind of scholarship program they offer at Chuck E. Cheese.  Or maybe they could go to Chuck E. Cheese University.”

He smirked – “Good one.”

“Or maybe by the time they go to school there will be some sort of competitive inflatable bounce house teams or they could get sponsored by like a corporate face painting company…..”

So the new plan is instead of hockey and baseball – I am just going to make the kids bounce in this bad-boy everyday…….fingers crossed!!!

The dreaded day came on Friday.  I kind of secretly was looking forward to checking it out.  I remember going for my brother’s birthday when I was like 8 and thinking it was the best place in the world.  I was looking forward to seeing the joy in my kids’ eyes.  I mean how bad could it be?

Um – bad.

Let’s just say that if they were going to make Chuck E. Cheese University they would have to change the tagline to be “Where a kid could be an asshole while his parents gnaw on chicken bones and watch.”

My four-year-old learned real quick when he put his FULL bucket of tokens down on his seat for 30 seconds and it got stolen.

Then they were playing “Skee Ball” and their tickets came out and some little girl came and ripped them all off and RAN AWAY!!

When I saw her ripping off all of our tickets, I said:

“Did you just rip off their tickets?” thinking that clearly calling her out would shame her into returning them.

“Nope.” she said while she counted her tickets.

Shocked I looked to see if her parents were watching – they were.  They didn’t care.

Once I saw her parents – I realized I was fighting an uphill battle and just let the girl keep the tickets…

What? You didn’t know you could get wings at Chuck E. Cheese University?

After all of the fun and games it was dinner time!

And you know how I feel about food? You know how I feel about pizza that is not really pizza? I thought maybe there was hope when I saw this very detailed ad in the paper.

See how it maps out all the areas that have been improved?

Lady goo goo gaga fell for the old “zesty sauce” trick….

What? They zoomed in on a wooden spoon stirring it!!!

I also fell for the old “variety of quality toppings” trick with a zoomed in picture of green peppers and cauliflower? to prove it.

False advertising Chuck.  Not improved – it is still really bad.

But the kids didn’t care- and I could have actually given them their rainboots with some sauce and cheese on it and they would have probably not noticed.

So off to the ticket-muncher we went to redeem our tickets (what was left after we got car-jacked at the Mario Kart game and had to give all of our tickets away to the carjacker.)   Then the kids got to pick out really fancy toys that have pictures of Chuck all over them.

Then we escaped.

My kids passed out cold when they went to bed probably dreaming of all of the fun and laughs they had.  I had nightmares about cardboard pizza and these creepy weirdos.

PLEASE!! CLICK ON BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM BLOGGER!!!

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My kids are screwed and other lessons learned at art class….


I volunteer occasionally at my children’s art class at school.

It’s a nice way to interact with the kids and put in some volunteering time painlessly.

This week when I arrived for to help Sam’s kindergarten class, I was introduced by the art teacher to her new student teacher.

Right off the bat, she shook my hand and said “I feel so blessed to be able to be a student teacher here.”

I nodded and smiled.   I thought that was a strange thing for a college student to say to a parent.  After thinking about it for a while I realized that this generation of individuals are the first to grow up with a heavy dose of social media.

Maybe they have seen people my age talk about being “blessed” so much – that she thinks that’s how we talk??!!!  Her exposure to people my age is probably mostly on Facebook, and research would show that the probably most used phrase would be “I’m blessed.”

Interesting.

So she gathers the children on the rug to read them a book.  The book is about the artist Grandma Moses.  The book is probably meant for a middle schooler.  There are little to no pictures.  She is droning on and on about Grandma Moses’ life.

I look around the rug at the 5-year-olds.  They are snapping.  They are whispering in each other’s ears.  Some have crawled away and are hiding under the tables.

She keeps reading.  I am not a teacher – but this seems like a bad idea.

When things are almost completely at riot-level, she decides to take out a poster of one of Grandma Moses’ paintings.

The kids pay attention for a minute.

She asks the group “What do you see in this picture?”

A little girl’s hand shoots up, she is up on her knees waving for the teacher’s attention.

The student teacher calls on her, “Yes, what do you see?” she asks with a smile.

The little girl speaks slowly and deliberately, “I see…9 babies.”

grandma moses

Um…I’m no art expert…but I don’t even see one baby….let alone 9.

“Okay,” the student teacher responded slowly (completely disregarding that the answer was 100 percent wrong.)

“How about anything else? Does anyone see anything else besides 9 babies?”

The children seemed encouraged by the acceptance of wrong answers and several hands shot up.

“OH! I know!!” one little boy said with his hand up.

“Yes?” the student teacher said expectantly.

He spoke while seriously focusing on the picture.

By this time all the other children had passed out from boredom....

By this time all the other children had passed out from boredom….

“I see….90 people.”

At this point the art teacher decided to interrupt what was shaping up to be the worst art lesson in the history of teaching.

“Children, there are not 90 people in the picture…what else do you see?” she asked.

The same little boy who had seen 90 people raised his hand again.

“Yes?” the student teacher asked.

“I meant to say I see 100 people.” he said matter-of-factly.

At this point the teacher decided to point out the trees and buildings.

She also started to speak about the point where the sky met the ground.  She told the children that it was called a horizon.

The art teacher jumped in.  She mentioned that the class had learned about horizontal lines the week before and that maybe if the student teacher wrote on the board the words “horizontal” and “horizon” then the kids would notice something.
And this was my favorite part of the lesson.

Better than the teacher talking in Facebook status updates.

Better than children saying they see 100 people in a picture of 3 people.

The student teacher went to the board and wrote the letter “h.”

She then turned to the art teacher and said, “How do you spell ‘horizon’?”

I took this as my cue to head home and participate in something worthwhile like

cleaning the house,   making dinner,   waxing my moustache,   reading US Weekly pretty much anything else besides being in that classroom.

challenge95

PLEASE – PLEASE VOTE FOR ME ON THE BANNER BELOW – I AM NOW #81-!!!!  BEHIND 80 PEOPLE THAT ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS FUNNY AS ME….I’M JUST SAYIN…..IT’S AN INJUSTICE

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A Message for Beyonce


Dear Beyonce,

Remember when I wrote to you,  outlining how everything in your life would change once you became a mother?

I forgot to mention that nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Whether it’s your career, or taking care of the baby or your husband and home, you will find that things just won’t be as easy as they once seemed.

You might find that you are spread too thin, and that you can’t give 100 percent to certain areas in your life.

For example at the inauguration when you were there to sing for Obama and you decided to not actually sing the song, but just pretend to.

This looks very convincing...

If you mic it then you have to fucking sing in it….

 

Listen – I hear you.

Do you know how I would love to just walk around with an earpiece telling me what to say…and I could just move my lips like the robot girl from Small Wonder??

But people don’t understand and today’s society allows for no flaws or imperfections in their idols.

After all the backlash you probably felt bad.

You probably had juggled a lot and neglected your baby to be there for that performance.

After you got back to your hotel room, Jay Z probably was complaining because he was feeling neglected and wanted to have sex with you.

It’s a never-ending cycle of people wanting things from you.

Tomorrow you get to do it all again!

Good luck!!

Don’t say I never warned you…..

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE TOP 25 MOMS CONTEST….RIGHT NOW I AM #80 WHICH I AM SURE YOU KNOW IS HIGHLY UNACCEPTABLE…I NEED YOUR VOTES!!!!!!

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