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The truth will set us free!!


Everyone is just spilling every bean they own lately.

First Al Roker decided to bust the news, years after the fact, that he pooped his pants at the White House during a press conference.

I am sorry – but why are you telling us this Al?  This little bout with telling the truth – falls into the category of TMI for me.

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also shit in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by this dog....

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also took a huge dump in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by a dog….

Sometimes it is good to tell the truth. Sometimes one lie leads to another which leads to another and before you know it your life and other people’s lives are  destroyed.

I guess Lance Armstrong missed the episode when Oprah single-handedly annihilated James Frey’s career.  She basically verbally castrated him for lying about his book “A Million Little Pieces,” being a memoir; because she was horrified that someone had LIED to her on her show!!  (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)

Because he probably hadn’t seen much of the Oprah Show, and wasn’t familiar with her smug questioning and holier than thou attitude towards LIARS, he was surely uncomfortable once this little interview began.

Lance made the ill-fated decision to spread out the words “I cheated” into 2 hours of action-packed questioning from Oprah Winfrey.

lanceoprah

Now who benefits from this besides Oprah?  Probably nobody – but Al and Lance just needed to get something off their chests.

It just feels better when you come clean.

I am a big fan of being honest…..maybe TOO honest for some people’s tastes…

What on earth is the point of lying all the time?

You know who lies way more than Lance Armstrong?

Mothers.

For some reason, mothers feel compelled to tell other mothers lies.

Constant, constant lies.

We need to stop the nonsense.

Do we want to end up getting caught up in a web of lies and land ourselves on national television talking about how we shit ourselves?

No?

Then it needs to stop.

TEN LIES MOMS NEED TO STOP TELLING EACH OTHER:

1-“Oh my God, I am running late because I was trying to finish up a project and lost track of time!”

Stay at home moms are notorious for pretending they are doing lots of all-important stuff when in fact they are watching television, blogging and taking a nap.  We all have days where we take it easy.  Own it.  Don’t come running to the bus stop late talking about what a busy day you’ve had….I can see the sheet lines on your cheek.

2 - “I eat so much! The weight just came off because I breastfed!”

Look, Heidi Klum, (you know…the Victoria’s Secret runway model) said that she starved herself to be able to go back to modeling shortly after giving birth.  She said it was extremely difficult and that she literally felt like she was going to die.  Please don’t tell me that you eat all the time when in fact you drink hot water with lemon for dinner and juice for breakfast and lunch….it’s insulting.

3 -“I love babies!”

What? What do you love about them? Their smell, ok, their soft skin, ok, their cute little fingers and toes, ok….Then what?

Do you love their puke and their runny poops? So, do you love when the runny poop goes up their back and you have to peel poop clothes off of them and wash more laundry and give the baby a bath?

Do you love their blood-curdling screams waking you up in the night?

I’m not buying any of this.

4 – “I am so blessed.”

You “blessed” people drive me nuts.  We are all blessed in some way.  I just find it very rare that someone makes that statement in an appropriate fashion.  It’s beyond absurd that you would feel it necessary to announce such a thing.   Don’t say it…just think it in your head…trust me…nobody cares.

5 -“We don’t have cable, and I don’t miss it at all!”

Stop being stupid.  This is something mothers like to announce so that we know what great parenting they are doing.  They want us to know how they spend their evenings reading literature and playing Scrabble with their children instead of watching TV.

Of course you miss it.  I’m sorry, are you Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison? Are you so intelligent that you are above good quality television programming? Stop it.

6 – “I don’t even put moisturizer on my face…I don’t have time!!”

This whole pretending to be low-maintenance thing is quite common among mothers.  They pretend that they don’t care about their skin and wrinkles.

They pretend that they weren’t staring at their pores all morning in their magnifying mirror.

You don’t care about aging? That’s funny…how come your entire forehead is frozen solid? Weird….

7 – “Oh how I love to cook!”

Since the Food Network became popular as well as programs like Top Chef, everyone loves to pretend they are the Barefoot Contessa.  EVERYONE eats only  fresh and organic foods straight from Whole Foods Market!!   And all good mothers feel compelled to pretend that they are whipping up gourmet meals for their families.

These women think it’s cool to pretend that they are Martha Stewart.  Too bad their kids are all too quick to tell me that they had a waffle for dinner last night and a pop tart for breakfast.  Nice try ladies….nice try.

8 – “I don’t have to work…it’s just that I just love my job!!”

I hate when people say “I don’t have to work.”  First of all it’s rude.  You are implying with that statement that we are all lowly peasants that have to work so we can pay our bills, but you are above that.  You just looooovvvee to work!!!

You are magically the only living American person that is working for pure fun!!

Everyone HAS to work in some capacity.  Even Madonna and Mark Zuckerberg have to work…..so stop saying that…you are only fooling yourself.

9 – -“I love breastfeeding!”

Now these are some sadistic motherfuckers that make this statement.

I’m sorry – I don’t see how one could find it enjoyable to feed a baby all day on call like a piece of cattle.

I didn’t really enjoy having to stop what I was doing every hour and find a spot where I could safely just whip out my boob and feed a baby for 45 minutes.  I also wasn’t thrilled with the huge engorged breasts that would start leaking milk if I god forbid chose to take some time for myself at somewhere luxurious like the grocery store or the mall.

My favorite part though was the bloody nipples that would be raw and oozing….I could see how someone could really love that.

10 – “I love being pregnant!”

So what is it exactly that you love? Is it that you love weighing 200 pounds?

You love a human being kicking the shit out of your organs and making you sick and constipated? You love not being able to bend down and tie your shoes?

Maybe it’s that when you get a cold you can’t even take medicine.  Or could it be the pretty maternity clothes and huge underwears that you find yourself wearing?

Is it that you love not being able to sleep at night or is it that you can’t have any alcohol or eat a turkey sandwich?  Do you love not having energy and being utterly exhausted all day?

Do you love being hormonal and crying at everything? Is it that you love going to the gynocologist constantly?  Maybe you like to drink that sugary syrup for the diabetes test….

What is it exactly about being pregnant that you love??  I need to know.

Wouldn’t life be great if we could all be a little more HONEST with ourselves and each other!!!!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK AND I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME MORE LIES YOU HAVE TOLD OR HEARD…I AM SURE THERE ARE SOME GOOD ONES I’M FORGETTING!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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28 responses »

  1. Those who say they LOVE being pg bug me, too. My pregnancies were fairly easy, but I can’t say I loved it. Basically anyone who uses superlatives – they have the best husband or the greatest kids. Blech – those are the people I hide on Facebook.

    Reply
  2. As someone who is less than 24 hours from being induced, when I say I “love” being pregnant, I mean it in the “wow, that’s pretty spiffy that I get to bring this little baby into the world, and feel him/her moving around in there” now, that’s spectacular in the beginning, but yeah- definitely doesn’t last throughout. Right now I would kill for some pitocin and an epidural. lol There are awesome things about it, but anybody who enjoys being beat the crap out of from the inside at the end and the actual labor and delivery process is seriously deranged.

    Reply
    • I am so honored that in these precious moments before your life changes forever you are reading my blog!!! Good luck with your delivery and your new baby, I will pray that your nipples don’t bleed!! Xoxo

      Reply
  3. Thank you for this! I’m 7 mos pregnant with my first, and so many women pretend to be “jealous” and get pissed off if I admit that this kind of sucks! I want to have the baby, but if it were feasible to skip through the being pregnant phase, i’d sign up gladly. I feel like pregnancy is this huge hoax perpetuated by all who have come before me. Ugh!

    Reply
  4. SO SO SO SO SO TRUE!! Love it!

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  5. Love this post – especially your point about Oprah and Fifty Shades! LOL

    Reply
  6. I agree with all except – 1 and 7 I do have allot of shit going on all the time and I do love to cook I am friggin Italian shit it’s in our DNA. I cannot STAND STAND people who say they are blessed drives me friggin insane

    Reply
  7. I agree with the vast majority of what you said. For real. My only agree to disagree would be on the cable thing. We haven’t had cable for 8 years, and I don’t miss it at all. But that’s because I have Netflix and Hulu to waste time on instead. Minus hours of commercials. It’s a win win. And on the “love being pregnant,” the ONLY thing I loved about being pregnant was the human that occurred as a result. I really could do without the 40 lbs of water weight, incessant puking, all-over-aching, and coffee-free/wine-free living. Thanks. Really, well done. Hilarious post. Keep them coming!

    Reply
  8. I can’t help it. I love a good poop story. Go Al!

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  9. This is your best work yet! I’m saying it…best post of all time.

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  10. Totally agree with the above commenter – this is one of my favorite posts ever. A few things….

    1. I have sworn off any and all things “Oprah,” ever since her public flogging of James Frey. (Minus the Lance interview, which I just had to watch.)

    2. Regarding your list, the blessed thing drives me insane (why does Facebook tend to be everyone’s favorite place to voice how blessed they are?? LAME), the cable thing drives me even more insane (yes, just because you don’t obsessively watch the Real Housewives franchise, you are a better person than me – are you happy now? <– is what I always feel like saying to these people), and #7 pretty much sums up every other mother I know in town. Except that they seem to think that so long as the waffles are organic, then it's especially okay.

    3. With all that said, I do enjoy cooking (as only then is it acceptable for me to eat fatty fat fat foods), and I also enjoy the sugar syrup diabetes drink that comes with being pregnant. But that's about the only thing there is to enjoy while being pregnant.

    Reply
  11. This is hilarious. And stuffed full of truths. God I wish I was funny…
    But you did miss the one about the ‘great husband,’ you know, the one that loves to cook dinner and even grocery shops
    AFTER working all day… Pleeze..

    Reply
  12. I really think that my every comment on your blog is just going to be “I fucking love you. That is all.” because I really really do. You make me laugh so friggin’ hard. The last time I was in a mommy group (which is awkward enough because I HAVE TO work outside the home) they were doing the very dance you speak of, so I said “I had an elective c-section & formula fed my three kids, and none of them have grown any extra appendages. Suck on that.” got up, and left. OK, not really. But I really really wanted to.

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  13. **** (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)***
    Aint that the freaking truth! haaaa

    btw, I loved being pregnant and eating BIG fat chocolate donuts! Xx

    Reply
  14. As someone who heard Lie #2 today and wanted to strangle the size -2 mom uttering it, thank you for giving me a laugh!

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  15. Love your post! You’re sooo totally right on all those points. The “peeling poop clothes off,” cracked me up. (I’ve never had a baby, but I used to work in the newborn nursery in the Air Force and there’s nothing like getting seedy, yellow poop sprayed up your arm. Nice.)

    Reply
  16. I agree with everyone of these (especially the blessed one, ugh that makes me puke) except for the breast feeding. It DID suck at first but now that my daughter is 11 months old it is the ONLY time during the day that we both get to hang out together without movement, whining or babbling. It also doesn’t hurt at all after about month 2 or 3. Anyhoo, I just found this blog and it is awesome!!

    Reply
  17. The lie that I can not stand to hear more than any of those is “I loved being pregnant” WHAT THE CRAP IS THERE TO LOVE?! the fatness, the swollen ankles, the aching back, having to pee every five minutes, throwing up ever single morning and night and all the time in between. There was nothing that I enjoyed about being pregnant except people felt compelled to give me food and carry heavy stuff for me.

    Reply
  18. I was basically browsing for points for my web site and discovered your blog post, “The truth
    will set us free!! Lady Goo Goo Gaga”,
    do you mind if I really use a few of your own suggestions?
    I am grateful -Mariel

    Reply
  19. Pingback: Leaning out | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  20. I love your post “I love being pregnant” ! That’s exactly what drives me absolutely insane when I hear people say it. I am a very petite slim person and gaining a third of my weight made it SO hard for me to walk, stand, sleep – everything! I felt like an elephant 100% of the time and
    cried from the frustration of being so uncomfortable (I also had to work 60 hour weeks in my entire last trimester). So I honestly feel like telling these people to STFU !!!

    Reply
  21. The Back9Network has a great segment for women that I think you guys would all love. This week’s episode was on the debate of breastfeeding in public. Check out her advice on http://www.back9network.com/article/p-s-with-jenn-lactose-intolerance/

    Reply

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