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Bless me Father for I have sinned….a lot


So you know the Gaga household isn’t exactly the most religious.

However, I at least send Michael to CCD classes or as my New York friends call it…”Relig.”

There are children from all over town that are in Michael’s class and he doesn’t really know anyone.

One of the children is particularly bad, (I will call him “The Devil”) and is constantly causing trouble.

Once the teacher actually quit being the teacher because she couldn’t take it anymore.  Of course, she was back next week because the “church people” guilted her into coming back.

What a surprise.

Anyways this child is always disrupting the class by saying inappropriate things like one time he stood up and announced “God invented guns”  for example.

Last week when I picked up Michael from CCD, I heard the teacher telling the mother of “The Devil” that he needed to be prepared for his first reconciliation by knowing all 4 prayers that she had printed for the kids.

“He already knows all his prayers.” the Devil’s mother answered.

They concluded the conversation and the Devil and his mother left.

When the teacher turned her attention to me I said to her point-blank, “Wait…does that devil child really know all of the prayers?”

“Yes, his mother really runs a tight ship and makes sure that he says prayers every night.”

I fell on the ground laughing and peed my pants.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS THIS IRONY????

THE DEVIL KNOWS ALL HIS PRAYERS!!! BUT HE’S THE DEVIL!!! GET IT???

That so epitomizes religion…hilarious….anyhoo.

damien-the-omen-443x302

Michael has his First Communion coming up.

This is a big deal.

For most good Catholics it’s because it’s an important sacrament that means something important I am sure…..

For me it’s important because I have to start thinking about the food and decor I need to have for 100 people at my house, and make sure it doesn’t conflict with the millions of other obligations that we have in the spring and summer.

I had to attend an important meeting at the church this week outlining all of the details about the ceremony and also to secure a date.

First topic of discussion was First Reconciliation.  This is when the children have to go meet with the priest and confess their sins.

I remember when I had to do this as a small child, being so afraid and nervous I  as I approached the confessional with sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach.

I told the priest that I was “sometimes mean to my mother,” and he told me that if I just said the “Our Father” three times then I would be totally forgiven.

I was so relieved.

Needless to say, in this day and age, this kind of torment is not favored by parents.

Parents were raising their hands at the meeting saying “How can we be sure that the children are comfortable and not nervous?”

“Can we be 100 percent sure that the priest will tell them they are forgiven?”

“I remember being very stressed about this, I DO NOT want that for my child.”

UM HELLO???? THIS IS CATHOLICISM PEOPLE!!!

IT’S NOT MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!

IT IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU FILLED WITH GUILT AND ANXIETY FOREVER.

Then of course there was the topic of wardrobe.

Of course if you saw the picture of the Dad at my son’s baseball game then you know that this is a town filled with primarily Vineyard Vines and JCrew.  Nobody wears makeup….nobody combs their daughter’s hair….I could go on for hours.

But anyways – there comes a debate about headpieces.  A bunch of mothers said “Yes” to headpieces, and then it started.

“Well, my daughter would never wear something in her hair.”

“I don’t ever make my daughter wear something she doesn’t want to!”

“Well what should I do if she says that she won’t wear it??”

I told you I didn't want to wear this headpiece MOTHER!!

I told you I didn’t want to wear this headpiece MOTHER!!  I look like a whore!! When I grow up I am going to be a Scientologist!

I wanted to stand up and say “Look!! If your child is Catholic they have to make a confession to a creepy priest that could possibly be a pedophile and they have to wear a creepy bride-like head-piece that means they are marrying Jesus!! Deal with it you assholes! And if you don’t like it – then go be Jewish!! And have fun with 10 hours a week of Hebrew school and if you think our headpieces our bad – good luck with those hats and barrette clips they wear!! NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN SIGN UP FOR MY CEREMONY DATE AND THEN I CAN HIRE A CATERER AND ORDER A CAKE!!”

But I didn’t say that.

I just looked at my phone waiting for everyone to stop whining and complaining.

There were 2 available dates in May to have the First Communion ceremony and one is Mother’s Day.  Again, some nice Catholic mothers I am told, actually enjoy having this precious ceremony on Mother’s Day.

I am not that type of mother.

On Mother’s Day I would like to eat a nice brunch, (something a little more substantial than a communion wafer) and enjoy my life…not sit in a sweaty church for an hour and half and then entertain 100 people in my backyard.

It was imperative that I get my name on the list for the first weekend in May.

I was pretty much willing to do anything to get it.

As the “church lady” spoke I adjusted my chair to be at the best angle to pop up from it and sprint to the sign-up table. I envisioned elbowing people or tripping them to be sure that I could get up front in a speedy fashion.

At the end of the meeting, the Church Lady asked that we bow our heads and say a prayer.

She also asked that we allow her time to move from the table before we swarmed and knocked her over.

I don’t even think anyone said “Amen” at the end of the prayer and that bitch didn’t have a fighting chance of escaping.

People were fucking INSANE!!! There was no mercy!! No forgiveness!!

I witnessed no behaviors that Jesus likes!!!

catfight51

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

I ran so fast to the table, and yet I could feel a crowd forming around me as I got to the front of the room.   People were pushing and shoving and hands were sticking into the space where the sign-up sheets were, grabbing at the pens on the table.

A pregnant friend was in front of me with a pencil ready to sign-up when we reached the table.  She was the first to get the paper, and I was behind her, I was so set.

“Give me that pencil when you are done,” I yelled in her ear above the noise of the crowd.

But as she signed her child’s name to the sheet, it was clear, that there was no way she would be able to hand me anything…..the crowd was too rough. She was jostled and pushed aside…I tried to grab for the pencil out of her hand but she got swept away.

christineb

There goes the pencil…..

I would just have to just grab the sheet myself.

A different woman had gotten control of the sheet and I pushed underneath her arms as she was writing and I quickly signed on the bottom of the sheet, in the last slot, before anyone else could think of it.

Thank you Jesus.

For understanding that it’s very important to celebrate your body in wafer-form only on specific days.

Thank you for answering my prayers and not punishing me for my sometimes less than devout behaviors…

We will be there on our desired date with bells on.

Well, I doubt I will take any...All I see here is a big filthy bowl of flu and stomach bug...

Although I doubt I will take any…All I see here is a big filthy bowl of flu and stomach bug…

challenge92

SINCE DEVOUT CATHOLIC AND JEWISH PEOPLE WILL BE HATING ME THIS WEEK, CAN YOU PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW SO I CAN GET SOME LOVE THIS WEEK!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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40 responses »

  1. Im not catholic, but a Catholic family recently converted and joined our Protestant church. I had been wondering the differences in our religion, so I spent three hours googling Catholicism this afternoon.. I didnt learn much until I read this post… :-) .

    Reply
  2. I’m not Catholic either but I remember when my non Catholic Aunt had to arrange the first communion of my oldest cousin (her husband is Catholic) She thought it was just like a regular church day. My mother laughed and laughed.

    Those wafers look suspiciously like Bacon Dippers.

    Reply
  3. I was Catholic until junior high so I went through the whole First Communion and First Reconciliation thing. Scared the shit out of me. I told the priest “Sometimes I say shut up and sometimes I am mean to my sister.” Totally expected him to hand me my ticket to hell right then and there.

    Congrats on getting the weekend you wanted. I would agree that it would suck to have to deal with that on Mother’s Day Weekend. I prefer to go to P.F. Chang’s and crack put on the E! Channel that day.

    Reply
  4. Isn’t being catholic just the best?

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  5. Reminds me of a time I asked my Sister-in-law to join me in her first “time-honored” black Friday. She didn’t even follow the golden rule, ” Allow those who waited in line for 24 hours to get into the store first.” In her sheer panic that the $19 shit camera would be sold out if she waited any longer, she crowd surfed into the store, nearly getting our asses handed to us by the angry mob. Good times.

    Reply
  6. Ps. My brother shaved his eyebrows off before his communion and I played slip and slid on the concrete the day before….good luck with Michael and keep the razor far away from that kid!

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  7. I could never really understand the idea of shaming kids into being good by making them think they are going to hell if they aren’t. Love the pictures in this post. Just awesome.

    Reply
  8. It’s good to know Protestants aren’t the only ones who act like this.

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  9. Ack. I hated learning those prayers! The Act of Contrition….and you totally looked like a whore, which is why you are my new bloggy BFF.

    Reply
  10. This is hilarious! My husband was raised Catholic.

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  11. Bahahha you really nailed Catholicism – “UM HELLO???? THIS IS CATHOLICISM PEOPLE!!!
    IT’S NOT MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD! IT IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU FILLED WITH GUILT AND ANXIETY FOREVER.”

    SO TRUE.

    Reply
  12. I was raised Catholic and confession scared the crap out of me. I have since learned you can just talk to God directly which is much less Big Brother, somehow. Also, just to be the “devil’s advocate” (haha) I think the devil probably would know all the prayers and scriptures and such so as to have a horned foot up on the competition (or at least try to.) Overall, religion sucks. Faith and spirituality are amazing, but organized religion? Not so much.

    Reply
  13. I’m about to embark for the second time into this (though this time a boy, so no dresses or headpieces woohoo!) My husband is “catholic”. I’m… not. It’s a thing I don’t really understand. We don’t go to church, the kids go to release time at school, but we haven’t set foot in a church for more than a year. Now I’m about to have a baby and they want to have him baptized… and the eldest boy is age-appropriate for these classes… but why he’s going- mystery to me. What do I know, I’m just a silly pagan.. lol So, when we have our happy little meetings, etc. I TOTALLY see where you’re coming from… it’s wild. For the record, though, there’s always at least one little devil. We had one in the eldest daughter’s class too. It took every ounce of restraint I had to just sit there.

    Reply
  14. Amazing that parents were worried that their kids might feel nervous. . .while they’re selling the idea that if you don’t buy into Catholicism you’ll roast in a lake of fire forever, right? Talk about feeling nervous!

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  15. Ahh, religion at its finest :)

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  16. Well, OF COURSE “The Devil” knew his prayers – did we learn nothing from “Footloose” re: the kids of the most devout being the most likely to raise Hell at every possible opportunity. They can’t vent it at home, so….look out, world!

    And I admire your quick thinking re: the sign-up sheet.

    Reply
  17. No reason they should force mothers to wear knee pads on Mother’s Day It’s also a day you deserve real wine. Cheers to you for getting that pencil.

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  18. WOW. I clearly don’t have the claws for Catholicism! Unreal!!

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  19. “IT IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU FILLED WITH GUILT AND ANXIETY FOREVER” just cracked me right the hell up. Nailed it. I love that the parents who are so “serious” about it all only care whether their precious baby will need to wear a fugly headpiece for their first Communion. Because Jesus totally cares what you’ve got on your head when you’re choking down that dry wafer-body of his. This insanity is why I stopped doing the church thing!

    Reply
  20. This was hilarious. Us moms are so freaking funny with our awful behavior and it’s always The Devil whose mommy makes sure he knows his prayers. Always. It’s part of the facade.

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  21. I love that the parents at the meeting were like, “Is my kid going to be nervous?” and “ZOMG HEAD PIECES!” Dude. This is not a school play. This is a religious ceremony. Run by the CATHOLIC CHURCH. What the hell were you expecting? This post was hilarious.

    Reply
  22. Wow. That’s a lot of crazy going on for such an event. When I was a kid, raised Catholic, you did as you were told, you wore what you were told and you should up on the day the church said you had to. Case closed. I’m sure it was not like this or my mother would have probably not made us do it.

    Reply
  23. We are raising our kids Catholic, although I’m an agnostic/borderline atheist. Since my husband is the Catholic, he has to deal with all the crazy. It was the deal we made, and this post reminds me why.

    Loved all the pics and captions. Awesome!

    Reply
  24. What kind of Catholics are these that are saying that Jesus would welcome you no matter what kind of sins you have on your soul! Of course, it is a mortal sin to receive Communion at this point. And you know that, which is why you feel guilty. If your son is ten, he should #1, not be deciding whether or not to go to Church. Your the mom. You make him go, as missing Church on a Sunday is a mortal sin too. And #2, he should be old enough to walk to the Communion rail by himself. Being ten and a receiver or Communion, he should, by this point in time, know why you can’t receive Communion. Remember, that as his mother you are going to be held accountable, at least to some degree, for his soul. There are things you can do. My mother in law married a divorced man, and she had to abstain from Communion for 5 years before they could get married by the church. You should talk to a priest. I want you to know that I’m not judging you. That’s not my place. I’m stating the facts objectively. But as a Catholic, you know the things I’m telling you are the truth, no matter how hard it is to swallow. Good luck and my God bless you and your family.

    Reply
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