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Monthly Archives: January 2013

May the force be with me….


Mr. Gaga is responsible for taking care of the kids most Saturdays.

I am not at the spa.

I am not getting a pedicure or lunching with friends.

I am working most Saturdays.

Mr. Gaga will have everyone thinking that he has it very rough.  He will tell random people that he runs into at games, birthday parties, and the store that he’s a “single dad.”

When interacting with other parents of children we barely know he will find a way to steer the conversation to some point where he can announce, “Well, I do everything  because I am a single dad.”

He finds this hilarious.

Last Saturday was the first basketball games of the season for both kids.

When we all got home I asked how it went.

“Good, Sam’s coach seems nice and I saw Todd’s mom and we were talking about the Star Wars party she’s having for him next weekend.”

(Todd is Sam’s friend – we have gone out socially with his parents one time.)

“She said that we were invited to stay during the party and hang out and eat…”

“Hmm, hmm,” I said distractedly as I read my email.

“So I told her that we would bring Star Wars cookies.” he threw in nonchalantly.

Imagine this making a huge screeching noise....

Imagine this making a huge screeching noise….

“And what did she say???” I asked, hoping that this mother responded with something like “Oh no – that’s not necessary!”

“She said “Great!,” he answered.

“What??!! Why??!!!” I asked in shock.

“Well we have those cookie cutters…” he answered nonchalantly…”What’s the big deal?”

When a kind aunt that always gives my kids really cool stuff was nice enough to give us these fancy Star Wars cookie cutters from Williams Sonoma, I did what any level-headed woman would do.  I hid the box in a closet.

Sorry Aunt Sue, but this box hasn't seen the light of day since you gave it to us....

Sorry Aunt Sue, but this box hasn’t seen the light of day since you gave it to us….

Apparently Williams Sonoma thinks it’s just every mother’s dream to sit around making baked goods into the shapes of Star Wars characters.

Also – if that’s not enough activity to kill all of your time and your will to live you can also make Star Wars pancakes.

Screw you Williams Sonoma......you are an asshole...and your pancakes are assholes too.

Screw you Williams Sonoma……

And if you have completely lost your marbles…for the bargain-price of $15 you can actually flip this Darth Vader-shaped breakfast with this:

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Needless to say Thursday afternoon came, and I had to get to work on the cookies. First I went to the store to purchase the 47 types of frosting I would need to create these cinematic masterpieces.

 I made the sugar cookie dough.  I hosted a playdate for Sam’s friend and then two other kids came over for dinner, while their parents were at a wake.  I baked 5 dozen sugar cookies while the kids played.

When I cleaned up from dinner and had the kids had settled at around 8 PM, it was time to start frosting the cookies.

“OK, I’m going to head up and take a shower and go to bed.” Mr. Gaga said coolly as he started up the stairs.

“Oh no you aren’t.” I said threateningly.  “You better take this black frosting and start with some Darth Vaders.”

He huffed and puffed but attempted to help while I was working diligently on my Storm Troopers.

He looked over with disgust…”What the hell is that?? That’s not a Storm Trooper…it’s a sad dog with a headband on!!!”

He had a point....

He had a point….

“WELL I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS SHIT!! THAT’S WHY I HID THE BOX TWO YEARS AGO AND NEVER TOOK IT OUT!!!!!” I yelled.

I had green and black frosting everywhere, the kitchen was trashed and I was delirious.

“I hope you are happy…from now on when you go to games or birthday parties keep your mouth shut!” I said with disgust.

By 9 o’clock he had completely abandoned ship.

I spent the entire night cursing him and George Lucas.

I was seeing double and exhausted when I finally finished all of the cookies.

But then they looked absolutely horrible…nothing like the box.  Nothing like Williams Sonoma told me they would look like…

I made Mr. Gaga come look at the cookies.

“I can’t see straight…my back and eyeballs are killing me….but does this just look like an entire rack of Saddam Hussein cookies?? That’s all I see.”

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I ate the cookie on the bottom left because it looked like some sort of Arab dictator with sunglasses on….and I didn’t think that would be appropriate for a kids’ party.

“No they look fine!” he said wearily. “Just go to bed!”

“I can’t go to bed now!! I still have to do Boba Fett’s black trim and the red dots in the Yoda eyes!!”

In the end – they came out decent enough…..

4 cookies

This is not exactly what the ass-hats at Williams Sonoma had in mind…but it will have to do.

I think that the people who come up with these crafty little ideas at the Williams Sonoma corporation should be held accountable for the hours of torture they inflict on people…..

But in the meantime, in case you were wondering …I am the best mother ever.

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PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME IN A VERY IMPORTANT CONTEST THAT I NEED DESPERATELY TO WIN FOR MY POOR SELF-ESTEEM…THE CONTEST CLOSES IN A FEW WEEKS AND YOU CAN VOTE ONCE A DAY!!! THANK YOU !! THANK YOU!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/lady-goo-goo-gaga?blogroll_id=89#_

The truth will set us free!!


Everyone is just spilling every bean they own lately.

First Al Roker decided to bust the news, years after the fact, that he pooped his pants at the White House during a press conference.

I am sorry – but why are you telling us this Al?  This little bout with telling the truth – falls into the category of TMI for me.

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also shit in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by this dog....

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also took a huge dump in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by a dog….

Sometimes it is good to tell the truth. Sometimes one lie leads to another which leads to another and before you know it your life and other people’s lives are  destroyed.

I guess Lance Armstrong missed the episode when Oprah single-handedly annihilated James Frey’s career.  She basically verbally castrated him for lying about his book “A Million Little Pieces,” being a memoir; because she was horrified that someone had LIED to her on her show!!  (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)

Because he probably hadn’t seen much of the Oprah Show, and wasn’t familiar with her smug questioning and holier than thou attitude towards LIARS, he was surely uncomfortable once this little interview began.

Lance made the ill-fated decision to spread out the words “I cheated” into 2 hours of action-packed questioning from Oprah Winfrey.

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Now who benefits from this besides Oprah?  Probably nobody – but Al and Lance just needed to get something off their chests.

It just feels better when you come clean.

I am a big fan of being honest…..maybe TOO honest for some people’s tastes…

What on earth is the point of lying all the time?

You know who lies way more than Lance Armstrong?

Mothers.

For some reason, mothers feel compelled to tell other mothers lies.

Constant, constant lies.

We need to stop the nonsense.

Do we want to end up getting caught up in a web of lies and land ourselves on national television talking about how we shit ourselves?

No?

Then it needs to stop.

TEN LIES MOMS NEED TO STOP TELLING EACH OTHER:

1-“Oh my God, I am running late because I was trying to finish up a project and lost track of time!”

Stay at home moms are notorious for pretending they are doing lots of all-important stuff when in fact they are watching television, blogging and taking a nap.  We all have days where we take it easy.  Own it.  Don’t come running to the bus stop late talking about what a busy day you’ve had….I can see the sheet lines on your cheek.

2 - “I eat so much! The weight just came off because I breastfed!”

Look, Heidi Klum, (you know…the Victoria’s Secret runway model) said that she starved herself to be able to go back to modeling shortly after giving birth.  She said it was extremely difficult and that she literally felt like she was going to die.  Please don’t tell me that you eat all the time when in fact you drink hot water with lemon for dinner and juice for breakfast and lunch….it’s insulting.

3 -“I love babies!”

What? What do you love about them? Their smell, ok, their soft skin, ok, their cute little fingers and toes, ok….Then what?

Do you love their puke and their runny poops? So, do you love when the runny poop goes up their back and you have to peel poop clothes off of them and wash more laundry and give the baby a bath?

Do you love their blood-curdling screams waking you up in the night?

I’m not buying any of this.

4 – “I am so blessed.”

You “blessed” people drive me nuts.  We are all blessed in some way.  I just find it very rare that someone makes that statement in an appropriate fashion.  It’s beyond absurd that you would feel it necessary to announce such a thing.   Don’t say it…just think it in your head…trust me…nobody cares.

5 -“We don’t have cable, and I don’t miss it at all!”

Stop being stupid.  This is something mothers like to announce so that we know what great parenting they are doing.  They want us to know how they spend their evenings reading literature and playing Scrabble with their children instead of watching TV.

Of course you miss it.  I’m sorry, are you Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison? Are you so intelligent that you are above good quality television programming? Stop it.

6 – “I don’t even put moisturizer on my face…I don’t have time!!”

This whole pretending to be low-maintenance thing is quite common among mothers.  They pretend that they don’t care about their skin and wrinkles.

They pretend that they weren’t staring at their pores all morning in their magnifying mirror.

You don’t care about aging? That’s funny…how come your entire forehead is frozen solid? Weird….

7 – “Oh how I love to cook!”

Since the Food Network became popular as well as programs like Top Chef, everyone loves to pretend they are the Barefoot Contessa.  EVERYONE eats only  fresh and organic foods straight from Whole Foods Market!!   And all good mothers feel compelled to pretend that they are whipping up gourmet meals for their families.

These women think it’s cool to pretend that they are Martha Stewart.  Too bad their kids are all too quick to tell me that they had a waffle for dinner last night and a pop tart for breakfast.  Nice try ladies….nice try.

8 – “I don’t have to work…it’s just that I just love my job!!”

I hate when people say “I don’t have to work.”  First of all it’s rude.  You are implying with that statement that we are all lowly peasants that have to work so we can pay our bills, but you are above that.  You just looooovvvee to work!!!

You are magically the only living American person that is working for pure fun!!

Everyone HAS to work in some capacity.  Even Madonna and Mark Zuckerberg have to work…..so stop saying that…you are only fooling yourself.

9 – -“I love breastfeeding!”

Now these are some sadistic motherfuckers that make this statement.

I’m sorry – I don’t see how one could find it enjoyable to feed a baby all day on call like a piece of cattle.

I didn’t really enjoy having to stop what I was doing every hour and find a spot where I could safely just whip out my boob and feed a baby for 45 minutes.  I also wasn’t thrilled with the huge engorged breasts that would start leaking milk if I god forbid chose to take some time for myself at somewhere luxurious like the grocery store or the mall.

My favorite part though was the bloody nipples that would be raw and oozing….I could see how someone could really love that.

10 – “I love being pregnant!”

So what is it exactly that you love? Is it that you love weighing 200 pounds?

You love a human being kicking the shit out of your organs and making you sick and constipated? You love not being able to bend down and tie your shoes?

Maybe it’s that when you get a cold you can’t even take medicine.  Or could it be the pretty maternity clothes and huge underwears that you find yourself wearing?

Is it that you love not being able to sleep at night or is it that you can’t have any alcohol or eat a turkey sandwich?  Do you love not having energy and being utterly exhausted all day?

Do you love being hormonal and crying at everything? Is it that you love going to the gynocologist constantly?  Maybe you like to drink that sugary syrup for the diabetes test….

What is it exactly about being pregnant that you love??  I need to know.

Wouldn’t life be great if we could all be a little more HONEST with ourselves and each other!!!!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK AND I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME MORE LIES YOU HAVE TOLD OR HEARD…I AM SURE THERE ARE SOME GOOD ONES I’M FORGETTING!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Bless me Father for I have sinned….a lot


So you know the Gaga household isn’t exactly the most religious.

However, I at least send Michael to CCD classes or as my New York friends call it…”Relig.”

There are children from all over town that are in Michael’s class and he doesn’t really know anyone.

One of the children is particularly bad, (I will call him “The Devil”) and is constantly causing trouble.

Once the teacher actually quit being the teacher because she couldn’t take it anymore.  Of course, she was back next week because the “church people” guilted her into coming back.

What a surprise.

Anyways this child is always disrupting the class by saying inappropriate things like one time he stood up and announced “God invented guns”  for example.

Last week when I picked up Michael from CCD, I heard the teacher telling the mother of “The Devil” that he needed to be prepared for his first reconciliation by knowing all 4 prayers that she had printed for the kids.

“He already knows all his prayers.” the Devil’s mother answered.

They concluded the conversation and the Devil and his mother left.

When the teacher turned her attention to me I said to her point-blank, “Wait…does that devil child really know all of the prayers?”

“Yes, his mother really runs a tight ship and makes sure that he says prayers every night.”

I fell on the ground laughing and peed my pants.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS THIS IRONY????

THE DEVIL KNOWS ALL HIS PRAYERS!!! BUT HE’S THE DEVIL!!! GET IT???

That so epitomizes religion…hilarious….anyhoo.

damien-the-omen-443x302

Michael has his First Communion coming up.

This is a big deal.

For most good Catholics it’s because it’s an important sacrament that means something important I am sure…..

For me it’s important because I have to start thinking about the food and decor I need to have for 100 people at my house, and make sure it doesn’t conflict with the millions of other obligations that we have in the spring and summer.

I had to attend an important meeting at the church this week outlining all of the details about the ceremony and also to secure a date.

First topic of discussion was First Reconciliation.  This is when the children have to go meet with the priest and confess their sins.

I remember when I had to do this as a small child, being so afraid and nervous I  as I approached the confessional with sweaty palms and a pit in my stomach.

I told the priest that I was “sometimes mean to my mother,” and he told me that if I just said the “Our Father” three times then I would be totally forgiven.

I was so relieved.

Needless to say, in this day and age, this kind of torment is not favored by parents.

Parents were raising their hands at the meeting saying “How can we be sure that the children are comfortable and not nervous?”

“Can we be 100 percent sure that the priest will tell them they are forgiven?”

“I remember being very stressed about this, I DO NOT want that for my child.”

UM HELLO???? THIS IS CATHOLICISM PEOPLE!!!

IT’S NOT MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!

IT IS MEANT TO MAKE YOU FILLED WITH GUILT AND ANXIETY FOREVER.

Then of course there was the topic of wardrobe.

Of course if you saw the picture of the Dad at my son’s baseball game then you know that this is a town filled with primarily Vineyard Vines and JCrew.  Nobody wears makeup….nobody combs their daughter’s hair….I could go on for hours.

But anyways – there comes a debate about headpieces.  A bunch of mothers said “Yes” to headpieces, and then it started.

“Well, my daughter would never wear something in her hair.”

“I don’t ever make my daughter wear something she doesn’t want to!”

“Well what should I do if she says that she won’t wear it??”

I told you I didn't want to wear this headpiece MOTHER!!

I told you I didn’t want to wear this headpiece MOTHER!!  I look like a whore!! When I grow up I am going to be a Scientologist!

I wanted to stand up and say “Look!! If your child is Catholic they have to make a confession to a creepy priest that could possibly be a pedophile and they have to wear a creepy bride-like head-piece that means they are marrying Jesus!! Deal with it you assholes! And if you don’t like it – then go be Jewish!! And have fun with 10 hours a week of Hebrew school and if you think our headpieces our bad – good luck with those hats and barrette clips they wear!! NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN SIGN UP FOR MY CEREMONY DATE AND THEN I CAN HIRE A CATERER AND ORDER A CAKE!!”

But I didn’t say that.

I just looked at my phone waiting for everyone to stop whining and complaining.

There were 2 available dates in May to have the First Communion ceremony and one is Mother’s Day.  Again, some nice Catholic mothers I am told, actually enjoy having this precious ceremony on Mother’s Day.

I am not that type of mother.

On Mother’s Day I would like to eat a nice brunch, (something a little more substantial than a communion wafer) and enjoy my life…not sit in a sweaty church for an hour and half and then entertain 100 people in my backyard.

It was imperative that I get my name on the list for the first weekend in May.

I was pretty much willing to do anything to get it.

As the “church lady” spoke I adjusted my chair to be at the best angle to pop up from it and sprint to the sign-up table. I envisioned elbowing people or tripping them to be sure that I could get up front in a speedy fashion.

At the end of the meeting, the Church Lady asked that we bow our heads and say a prayer.

She also asked that we allow her time to move from the table before we swarmed and knocked her over.

I don’t even think anyone said “Amen” at the end of the prayer and that bitch didn’t have a fighting chance of escaping.

People were fucking INSANE!!! There was no mercy!! No forgiveness!!

I witnessed no behaviors that Jesus likes!!!

catfight51

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

I ran so fast to the table, and yet I could feel a crowd forming around me as I got to the front of the room.   People were pushing and shoving and hands were sticking into the space where the sign-up sheets were, grabbing at the pens on the table.

A pregnant friend was in front of me with a pencil ready to sign-up when we reached the table.  She was the first to get the paper, and I was behind her, I was so set.

“Give me that pencil when you are done,” I yelled in her ear above the noise of the crowd.

But as she signed her child’s name to the sheet, it was clear, that there was no way she would be able to hand me anything…..the crowd was too rough. She was jostled and pushed aside…I tried to grab for the pencil out of her hand but she got swept away.

christineb

There goes the pencil…..

I would just have to just grab the sheet myself.

A different woman had gotten control of the sheet and I pushed underneath her arms as she was writing and I quickly signed on the bottom of the sheet, in the last slot, before anyone else could think of it.

Thank you Jesus.

For understanding that it’s very important to celebrate your body in wafer-form only on specific days.

Thank you for answering my prayers and not punishing me for my sometimes less than devout behaviors…

We will be there on our desired date with bells on.

Well, I doubt I will take any...All I see here is a big filthy bowl of flu and stomach bug...

Although I doubt I will take any…All I see here is a big filthy bowl of flu and stomach bug…

challenge92

SINCE DEVOUT CATHOLIC AND JEWISH PEOPLE WILL BE HATING ME THIS WEEK, CAN YOU PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW SO I CAN GET SOME LOVE THIS WEEK!!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Dear Kim,


You have really done it this time.

I am writing today to warn you, because for some reason I actually think you don’t even realize how you have totally screwed yourself.

Maybe there was a little lull in your celebrity status – since we all lost interest in your fake wedding, but there’s really no need to take such drastic measures!!!

So now we are all talking about you again but is it worth accepting the sperm of Satan?? I think not.

Have you thought this through at all Kim??

First things first – you are ONLY famous for your looks and your sexual escapades.

What’s going to happen when you aren’t looking so hot? First of all, the tabloids that you love to be in so much, will rip you to shreds.

Secondly, Kanye seems a bit shallow. When your looks go down the toilet, will he stick around?

He seems to be obsessed with skinny women.

Do you remember when Kanye rapped, “Let’s get lost tonight, You could be my black Kate Moss tonight”….

Um…Kim…….you’re totally effed.  Kate Moss is SUPER skinny!!!!

Kim!!

Your ass is huge!!!

You know how it’s huge in a cute way that’s loveable and sexy right now??

After the baby comes it’s not so sexy….it’s more like cellulitey and mom-ish….not Kate Moss-ish at all……

Now believe me I know what it’s like to have a fat ass…..but thankfully, Mr. Gaga never asks me to be his “Black Kate Moss….”

Thank God – because this is the latest image of Kate Moss’ ass:

kate moss

Yeah – good luck with that….

Especially since this your pre-pregnancy ass:

EXCLUSIVE: Kim and Kourtney Kardashian take over Miami Beach with new beach bods

After the pregnancy – figure this ass will be 10 times this size and flabby and flat.

I know you are thinking you will just spend a lot of time at the gym and get back in shape….but that’s not going to happen.

Who will watch the baby?? You don’t think Kanye will babysit do you?

No.

Plus – do you really want him alone with your child?  He could say and do some inappropriate things.

He has already stated publicly that he is “not a fan of books.”

That’s really great….He’s going to be an awesome Dad.

kanye reads

I know you know about sex and how this all works.

We actually know who you are because you banged someone when you were 15 and your mother had the wherewithal to videotape it and send it to the tabloids.

Therefore, I am assuming you have been practicing birth control successfully for quite sometime – which can only mean, despite how horrific it is to imagine….you have done this on purpose??

Exactly what do you hope to achieve with this little publicity stunt? Are you thinking that this baby is going to be filled with talent and good looks?

Have you considered if it doesn’t work out exactly as you plan?

Have you considered that you might have a baby that looks like this asshole and has your talent?? Then what will you do??

Have you considered that you might have a baby that looks like this asshole and has your talent?? Then what will you do??

You might have had a glimpse of reality when Kanye announced the news on stage.  He was quoted as saying “Stop the music…can we make some noise for my baby mama?”

I bet you thought that was pretty romantic….I mean how many women in the throes of their first trimester are lucky enough to have the sperm donor call you “his baby mama” for the world to hear.

Have you considered that he tends to make all of his statements from a stage with a microphone?  Do you remember poor innocent Taylor Swift and how he destroyed her award night for no apparent reason?

He’s a bit of a narcissist and seems to enjoy stealing people’s thunder.

You might not think it’s so cute when you are delivering the baby and he’s in the corner rapping about how great he is…..

mySuperLamePic_bada7bdbc1c0a2cf6116ec3512fdbec7

Also, I know it’s difficult for you two ass-hats to think of others, but have you given any consideration to your poor sister Khloe?

This poor girl. It’s not enough that she’s an enormous beast with 4 slim beautiful sisters, but now after she has been on every magazine cover and has an entire reality show dedicated to her desire for a baby, you have to go and get knocked up with an illegitimate child while you are married to someone else.

This is latest image of Klhoe's uterus from her last check-up...imagine how she feels??

This is latest image of Khloe’s uterus from her last check up..Imagine how she feels??

Motherhood is extremely difficult and one cannot be a narcissistic fame-whore while raising a child.

Kim, I hope that you can find your way as a mother despite your poor choice in “baby daddy.”

It will be a long and difficult road for you and your little one.

Even with the best conditions, being a mother is a challenge.

If you don’t believe me, just ask Beyonce.

beyonce-jay-z-kanye-west-kim-kardashian-bet-awards-2012-6-580x435

Don’t get me wrong – we are all thrilled to celebrate something actually coming out of your vagina for once.

I just hope you are mentally prepared for what’s to come.

Sincerely your friend,

LADY GOO GOO GAGA

EVEN THOUGH KIM CERTAINLY DOESN’T NEED ANY MORE PUBLICITY…I WOULD LOVE SOME!  PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK!!! XOXOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

yeahwrite

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