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Monthly Archives: December 2012

What I Learned 2012


As I looked back over my blog entries for 2012 I realized that it has been a long and interesting year.

I have learned a lot about myself and more importantly about all of you and what you find interesting and what you can relate to.

My most-read post of the year was my letter, “Dear Beyonce” which was posted after she rented an entire floor of a hospital in New York City to give birth to her child.

I actually received a lot of hate comments for that one, as well as praise.  If you review the comments you will notice some insane Beyonce lovers chimed in…..

Was this post so popular because those of us who are mothers like to warn new moms what to expect?

Or is it sadly that we have become a celebrity-obsessed culture that reads US Weekly as regularly and whole-heartedly as generations before us would read Time and Newsweek?  That we are just so obsessed with every minute detail of the lives of the rich and famous that we tune in to read about anything diva-related?

Sadly, as an avid US Weekly reader, I think it’s the latter.

In the beginning of last year, I was grappling with how to work and maintain my household, my sanity and not let looks go completely down the toilet.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work.........

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store after getting home late from work………with blatant disregard for my moustache and camel-toe…..

In the spring, I hadn’t much headway in the looks department, but I had at least stopped working as much so I had time to sleep.  I shared how I still am trying to catch up on sleep I lost when I was breastfeeding.

I also, shared a tale of how I was sleeping so soundly that I didn’t wake up in time to save my poor brother from seeing my boob hanging out of my shirt one morning.

I have mentioned before how my boobs have really become deformed since the children destroyed my body from head to toe….my poor, poor brother.

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

I am pretty sure this is what my brother saw – except I have a lighter skin-tone and I wasn’t holding that stick…..Also – my wife beater was from the Old Navy, not her fancy cow one….

This spring, as 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves, I learned a lot about trends in America for women.  First, I was shocked to discover that apparently everyone just has oodles of time to sit home and masturbate all day while they fantasize about being handcuffed and beaten.

Who knew?

breakfast bubble

Then, just as I was recovering from this news, I had to find out that women right and left were chowing down on their own placenta.  

As if that wasn’t offensive enough, “ways of feeding American children” reached a new low when Alicia Silverstone was all over the news demonstrating how she chews up food and spits it into her child’s mouth.

This kind of weird parenting could result in children that are complete freaks.

They could end up being total cry babies, that whine and complain about everything….

This was the behavior that basically every child exhibited on my son’s baseball team this summer.

Oh and while the boys roam the fields looking for mushrooms and shit their pants while they are running to the wrong base, their parents could care less.

It was absolutely astonishing. Hopefully next season will be better!

This dad of one of the players, put his IPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again......

This dad of one of the players, put his iPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had shit his pants, so he quickly started got on his phone again……

After baseball was over, we went on a crazy “vacation” with my in-laws, and then went to the beach for the rest of the summer, which was lovely.

Then we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair's very balanced meal....

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair’s very balanced meal….If any kindergartener had any doubt about if Blair’s mother loved her or not…I think it will be quite clear after this lunch is revealed……

In October, we were yet again devastated by a storm.

You would think we would be prepared since the last storm, but we weren’t.

So I had to brave the stores searching for batteries and water.  It wasn’t pretty.

Don't be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

Don’t be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

We survived with minimal damage, but I hosted my Thanksgiving run and raised money for victims of Storm Sandy in New York.

In December, I have taken a lot of time to reflect on life and the world that we live in after the absolutely heart-breaking school shooting that happened here in Connecticut.

We have a lot to think about and change to make sure that our children can grow up safe and happy and healthy.

But when I had a spare moment during the holidays, I did have time to make fun of people who decorate their vehicles with antlers and noses.

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Please leave me a comment letting me know what was your favorite post of 2012….BESIDES “DEAR BEYONCE!!!”

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Unacceptable Holiday Behaviors


Despite living in a constant state of misery and depression since the shootings in Sandy Hook, sometimes it’s good to take a break from the horrific news coverage and depressing and annoying gun law posts on Facebook.

That’s what I am here for.

Even though I have been very sad and devastated about the state of things, there are certain things and people who I can’t ignore.

When I have felt the urge to complain or say something negative lately, I stop myself and think, “How dare I complain about something petty or stupid like someone cutting me off or taking too long in line in front of me at the grocery store.”

However, even with my best intentions at hand, there are certain behaviors that are just too unacceptable to ignore.

There are certain acts that people feel compelled to do around the holidays that are utterly ridiculous….

While I am rushing around trying to get all of my shopping done, baking, Christmas cards, and other holiday activities, there are some maniacs abound that apparently have all the time in the world to do ridiculous things to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

It’s annoying.

Here are some examples:

#1 – Miscellaneous Elf on the Shelf Antics:

Some of the images I have seen of people’s elves is disturbing.

I think it’s a cute idea, we have an elf at our house.
I also think it’s funny and cute that your Elf dances on a pole, drinks your wine or takes a shit, and you post it on Facebook. However, when your “Elf” has time to “undecorate your entire Christmas tree,” that’s neither cute nor funny.

It’s an indicator that your “Elf” has too much time on her hands.
Most of us barely have enough time and energy to decorate the tree the first time, and when we do we are on the verge of divorce.

If you are so bored that you have fictional characters “come into your house and create housework for you in the still of the night,” then I would recommend therapy.

If I came downstairs and an “Elf” undid our tree, Mr. Gaga would slit the “Elf’s” throat or send the “Elf” to the nearest mental institution.

#2 - Irrelevant photos on Christmas cards:

OK, I get it that you went on vacation and that you want us all to know what a jet-setter who are. But really, these images are not very Christmas-y and some are just not pictures that should necessarily be shared.

For example, this is a card I received from someone I barely know.

You can't get the full effect from this photo, but it's essentially a grown-ass couple sitting inside of a cracked egg in Dollywood.

You can’t get the full effect from this photo, but it’s essentially a grown-ass couple sitting inside of a cracked egg in Dollywood.

Ok, now first of all, although I don’t know much about Dolly Parton, I am fairly sure she has nothing to do with Jesus’ birth or even Santa. If it was a holiday that was about boob jokes or wigs, maybe…..

Secondly, do you think it’s a bit absurd to sit in a cracked egg with your husband and have a photo taken? This is not Easter, and why does Dolly Parton have life-size cracked eggs in her park?

Do you know what Mr. Gaga would do to me if I lured him into a broken egg-shell in Dolly Parton land, had evidence of it, and then sent it out to all of our family and friends?

It’s just inappropriate on several levels.

#3 – Too much info on the holiday card:
It used to be that Christmas cards were sent to say “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

They are now used for numerous messages including but not limited to, “Look at how cute our kids are!” “Look at what an awesome vacation we went on!” “Look at how cute our cat is!” and the worst is “Look at our fetus!”

Yes.

There are individuals that I know of that actually share their ultrasound as their Christmas card.

Fetus

Listen, at this point this a photo of the inside of your uterus.
Is this necessary?
Is this Christmas-y? Is this related to Santa or Jesus?

Are you implying that the birth of this child will be like the birth of Jesus?

Unless this was an immaculate conception….I’m not interested in what is essentially a fancy x-ray of your innards.

#4 -People wearing Santa hats for no reason:

Look, I love Santa as much as the next guy, but I don’t want to be Santa, or dress like him….What is the point of that?

And it’s not like you are wearing the whole outfit to actually try to look like Santa, nope…just his hat.

So what if at Easter I just walked around everywhere with rabbit ears on….wouldn’t that be strange?

What would you think if you were in the grocery store at Thanksgiving time and you saw Mr. Gaga wearing this hat?? Would you think that was normal??

What would you think if you were in the grocery store at Thanksgiving time and you saw Mr. Gaga wearing this hat?? Would you think that was normal??

Do you see what I mean? It’s just weird.

#5 – Holiday Car Decor:

This is in the same category as the extravagant elf activities.  How do people have time to decorate their vehicles for the holidays? And for what purpose?

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

What does this even mean? Your vehicle is a reindeer? Does your car pull a sleigh? Will your car fly on Christmas Eve?? Why are you doing this?? WHY????

There is no good reason that I can think of to pretend that your vehicle is a reindeer, it’s just really dumb.

It’s bad enough that you have pretend antlers hanging off your windows, but now this really puts things over the edge…

So, I guess you want to be specific and let us know that your car is actually not any reindeer....it's Rudolph.

So, I guess you want to be specific and let us know that your car is actually not any reindeer….it’s Rudolph.

Listen, your car is not Rudolph, that’s really ridiculous.

Also, if you have time to put a nose on your car you need to come to my house with all your free time and start baking and wrapping……

I could use all the help I can get!!!

 

I hope that this post brings some laughter and joy to all of my faithful readers!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Jingle Hell 2012


This has been a horrible week for Connecticut and America.  Not that it would ever be okay, but to have such a disgusting act of violence occur right before Christmas is even more devastating.

My heart is broken and I am sickened by what the world has come to.

I cannot possibly complain about anything or make fun of anyone when such a grave tragedy has come upon us.

I will say however that more than ever, I feel so grateful for my life and my family and friends.

I will also say that I think we should be sure to keep children’s lives happy, carefree and filled with joy as much as we can.

They will grow up soon enough and have to endure this world and all of its vile atrocities and tortures.

When I was reflecting about this idea today, I thought back to one of my blog posts about the parents that decided to tell their little sweet innocent 2-year-old that there was no such thing as Santa, so that he would know that his parents were the ones actually buying him gifts.

Every time I think of this I get newly furious with these morons.

This post is read quite regularly, because one of the most common phrases googled by people, which brings them to my blog, is “SANTA GIVING THE FINGER.” 

Go figure.

I thought today would be a good day to repost this – so we can take a minute and really think about what stupid bullshit we waste or time and energy focusing on…instead of enjoying life and our children.

Tomorrow I will announce the winner of the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick, in the meantime enjoy this tale of holiday asshattery:

Jingle Hell

Posted on September 18, 2011 by Lady Googoogaga

So – I signed up a while ago to a service in town – where moms could receive emails regarding pertinent information about children, parenting etc.  Some reasonable uses of the service would be say – “Does anyone know the best pediatric dentist in town?” or “Where is a good place to go for piano lessons?” or “Has anyone ever been to the indoor water park in Waterbury?”

Many people for one reason or another ask inappropriate questions and what I consider inappropriate requests to  a community of unknown mothers in town.  The constant stream of ridiculous emails is enough to send you off the deep end – see below for the latest offense this week (and for those of you who still think I make this stuff up – this is word-for-word!!)

Subject: Advice

>

You all have been great in giving advice in the past that I thought I’d run something by you. What do you tell a 2-yr old about Santa? I would like for him to believe in Santa but my husband says that there’s no reason for him to.  That he should know that we buy his gifts because we love him. Has anyone else made the decision to tell their kids that Santa isn’t real? What did you say and  what  was the outcome?

Also…does anyone know where I can get K-Cups (for a Keurig coffee maker) for a cheaper price? At the grocery store they’re $8.99 for a box of 12 and I was informed today that they’re going up.

Thanks in advance! You all are awesome! Love, Jenny

>

Hi Jenny – Thanks for calling us all awesome!!

You know who is not awesome?

You!

Just so you know – it’s September!!  And Christmas is not really top on everyone’s to-do list but since you asked……

Many families were grappling last week with remembering the loss of loved ones on September 11th, and probably thinking about one day explaining this horrible day to their children.

In this economy, I know many families who are struggling with telling their kids that they might not have any presents at Christmas because their mom or dad (or both) have lost their job.

Nationwide – parents will be figuring out where Christmas will be this year because their home was washed away in a flood or hurricane or lost in a foreclosure.

But your husband is right!!

You should totally shower your 2-year-old child with “gifts of love” and then tell him they are all from you!!

We live in a nation that at the 10-year anniversary of September 11, 2001 is still at war, close to 10 percent of our nation is unemployed,  millions don’t have access to healthcare while facing deadly incurable diseases like cancer and AIDS, 1 out of 110 children are diagnosed with autism and global warming is destroying or ending people’s lives all over the world.

That being said – I can totally see why what little happiness your child might have before facing the harsh realities of adulthood, should be ripped away from him – all so he can properly thank your husband for the $200 of Little Tykes crap he bought at the Toys R’ Us.

I mean really – why should Santa get all of the credit?

And by the way your husband sounds like a real peach!  Wherever did you find him? It’s so rare to find a good man who is not an ego-maniac!! Lucky!!

He also sounds super-intelligent and super in-touch with childhood development.  Does he have a PhD in this subject?

I know that he is so looking forward to the day when he can announce to a group of people that he has chosen to ruin his child’s life  tell his child that there is no such thing as Santa  – so that everyone knows that he is “above” such silly rituals.

Oops – small problem – Jenny!  Your douche-bag super-awesome hubby – failed to read the chapter in his PhD textbook that discussed the fact that 2 -year- olds…..(and I quote from a real medical textbook on childhood development)

pg. 201- ”Don’t give two flying fucks who gave them the Little Tykes crap.”

They don’t even get the concept of receiving a gift yet  – so when you have this all-important convo to break the bad news…..guess what?

You will have the same convo next Christmas when he’s three – and then probably again when he’s four.

He will not even remember your “love gifts”  – let alone who gave them to him.

Oh – and Jenny – one more thing – when you have this sit-down – could you do us a favor and let him know that you 2 are the only ass-hats that are doing this?

The rest of us quite enjoy lying to our kids and letting them experience little emotions called “joy” and “wonderment” and don’t need you and your tortured child ruining it.

Thanks!! That would be super-awesome!

In closing – I see you had a little question about coffee cups!  Who doesn’t right? LOL!

Well – I notice that you sent your email via Blackberry – which means that you’re savvy enough to use modern technology – but what you might not realize is that there is this little thing called a newspaper.

Inside it – usually once a week – you will find something called a circular! Each store actually lists their sale items using photos as well as extra-large bold text that will state the sale price – like $1.99!!!!!

Oh – by the way – I had a sec – and I googled Keurig sale – and it said there were about 1,200,700 results you dumb bitch…….

It is super-easy to read and very user-friendly – maybe even more so than your Blackberry!

If you feel like you still cannot find a good price for your Keurig coffee cups – don’t hesitate to shoot us another email.  We will all stop what we are doing  (you know because we are all stupid morons that believe in Santa) and find the best price for your coffee!!

Hope this helps!

Your friend – LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PS – I sent a copy of your email to Santa – and this was his reply – ( he asked that I pass it along to you) :

>

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

One more favorite thing….


Sunday I published a list of a few of my favorite things, but I forgot one!

Anything where I have a starring role is of course one of my faves….so I have to mention that I have been published in a collection of stories/E-Book called No Laughing Allowed .

This is part of an online series calledLife Well Blogged”  and you can actually purchase it on Amazon!! 

So when you are trying to avoid talking to other mothers while are picking up your kids at Mad Science and you are pretending to read very important emails on your phone…you can really be reading funny mom stories.

A portion of the proceeds from the book will go to Storm Sandy relief…..it’s a win-win.

Also don’t forget to like me on Facebook or sign up for my tweets to enter to win a Laura Mercier Caviar Stick which normally retails for $24 and will help you to look beautiful and trendy while you are ignoring all the other mothers….

Happy Holidays!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Caviar_Stick_Smoke_4

Lady’s Favorite Things


So this is like Oprah’s Favorite things, except that I am just a little bit fat and not rich like Oprah…..and except 50 favorite things I have like 8…..and of the 8, I am only giving away one thing to one person…..so don’t get too excited.

A friend who is newly pregnant for the first time was complaining that she didn’t know what to ask her husband to get her for Christmas.

“Get something luxurious – because this is it for you sister…” I said knowingly.

“No way!!!” she responded not-knowingly.

I then guided her through Nordstrom pointing out some items to ask for that she would never think of until it was too late.

This has inspired me to compile a list of items to add to your wish list to help you survive motherhood….

Before you have children you have no idea how they will ruin you mentally and physically.

It is not something that happens overnight.

The graying, the aging, the dark-circling, the overall weathering….it’s a slow process.

When all is said and done, when your last child goes into school full-day, you will finally have a minute to look in the mirror and you will be frightened at what you see.

I remember thinking I looked completely hideous when Michael was a baby.

I look back at pictures from that time and I realize I looked like Gisele then compared to what I look like now.

There are ways to keep things somewhat under control….here are some tips:

#1 – UNDEREYE CONCEALER -I actually speak of this in my blog bio page - because I truly consider it a survival tool for motherhood.  Particularly Cle de Peau concealer, which retails for $70.  It is worth EVERY PENNY!!  It’s like a night’s sleep in a tube.

#2 – RAIN BOOTS - Somehow I avoided water and weather for 25 years.

Upon having children, every doctor’s appointment, music class and preschool time will magically coincide with torrential downpours.

My Tory Burch Rainboots are one of my best investments.  They get me out of a lot of jams….

boots

They can be Burberry or Hunter boots or Target…it doesn’t matter the brand…just do it.

It’s not enough that we are fat and tired??

The least we can do is have dry feet for god sakes.

3 – Keurig Coffeemaker - When my in-laws got this for us a couple of years ago, I was thinking I didn’t really need it and it would take up counter space.

Oh how wrong I was. I do need it.  You know how you offer a hot beverage to a mom or a kid when they are at your house for a playdate and they take you up on it??  That’s why you need this.

Or when you are running late and you don’t have time for the whole deal with the coffee pot?

Do it.

4 – Keratin Treatment - I have mentioned in the past how my hair resembles a dobie pad.    When you have small children and limited time to take care of yourself – and you have the same hair as Whoopi Goldberg this can be problematic.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments….

Keratin is my friend.  These treatments allow me to go days without washing or blow-drying my hair.  It can be your friend too.  It can be pricey for treatments in the salon, but you can also try an at-home treatment.  You can enter to win a free one at http://theglossgirls.com

You’re welcome.

5 – Bissell Perfect Sweep Turbo - Listen – we all know I am not winning any cleaning awards anytime soon.  This little electric sweeper is the best thing to come into my household in a long time.  It actually can sweep up everything on bare floors or rugs with ease…including ……LEGOS!!!!!

bissell

Bissell was so kind to give me a complimentary sweeper last year - and since then countless friends and family have purchased one and loved them!!

6 – Waterproof Eye makeup:  – So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the torrential downpours, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for the children’s library class, you are sadly mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the librarian.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

My absolute FAVORITE waterproof eye makeup tool is the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick...It can be eyeliner and shadow and it will not budge all day long.

I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Caviar Stick in Smoke ($24) this week just because I love you…(see below for details)

Caviar_Stick_Smoke_4

7 – UGGS  -I truly don’t know what mothers did before UGGS were invented.  Pamela Anderson started the trend for moms to wear UGGS with anything and everything and thank God.  What would moms wear to the bus stop in the old days? KEDS? A heel??

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America......

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America……

It doesn’t matter if you think they are ugly.

It also doesn’t matter if they are no longer in style.

It’s a non-negotiable piece of “Mom-footwear.” Put one toe into these bad boys and there’s no going back.  Once your feet are inside these soft boots filled with what feels like clouds from heaven,  you won’t care if you look like Gene Simmons.

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it in case your husband gets an ideas, the bad hair, and the ugly boots...Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood.....

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it to keep romance at bay, the bad hair, and the ugly boots…Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood…..

And finally my number one item topping the list is something that I don’t have yet, but I know I should.  It is consistently on my to-get list, and I just never get around to doing it.

A CLEANING LADY!!!

I just never get around to hiring one and the next thing I know the bathrooms are disgusting and the Hoarders crew is at my house trying to interview me…..Sigh.

Now to the fun part -

If you SIGN UP FOR MY TWEETS  (@lgoogoogaga) you get one entry and

if  you LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK you get another entry towards the

LAURA MERCIER CAVIAR STICK that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like a crystal meth addict the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

Winner will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 16th at 5 PM!

As a sidenote – none of the products mentioned above have been sent to me for review except for my BISSELL…..which frankly I think is just rude……

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and I think you should listen to me – because I know what I am talking about…..just sayin.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED SOME HELP WITH THEIR WISH LISTS THIS SEASON!!!!!

Christmas Tree Results 2012


So…….when I arrived home on Saturday afternoon…..

there was a tree in my living room!!!

This was major.

We put the lights on together while the children unwrapped all of the ornaments.

All of the lights worked from last year.

The kids only broke one ornament.

Was this going to be the year of a magical Christmas tree trimming?

Maybe…..

We laughed and listened to Christmas music……the kids really weren’t that bad and there wasn’t much fighting.

Of course, it couldn’t be completely Dickens-like, Mr. Gaga couldn’t help but be inappropriate.

I was in the kitchen doing something and I heard him say,

“Ok kids, be careful with all of the balls…they are glass….”

“Ok, you guys do all of these gold and silver balls and I will take care of these, I am very familiar with them…..”

blue

This is a little dig – because in between doing Thanksgiving for a million people, ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, scheduling and attending the Christmas card photo shoot alone, licking every envelope and sending 100 Christmas cards, decorating the house for the holidays, etc., maybe we don’t always have time for romance around here……

But I channeled Mary from “It’s a Wonderful Life” and smiled and pretended he wasn’t crazy.

We just have to do the star and some tinsel and we are in the home stretch.....We can do this.....We can be happy at Christmastime!!! Don't let the children or Mr. Gaga ruin it.......

We just have to do the star and some tinsel and we are in the home stretch…..We can do this…..We can be happy at Christmastime!!! Don’t let the children or Mr. Gaga ruin it…….

We were about done by 7:30.

It was amazing.

Then Mr. Gaga went to turn off the lights so we could see the tree completed.

“Come on guys, Daddy is going to turn off the lights and then we can clap and cheer….”

“No…No…I got this….”Mr. Gaga said to me as he turned to the kids and put his hand out. He waited for us all to put our hands on top of his.

“So we can say like ‘Yay Christmas’ or something?” I asked as we all waited expectantly.

“Christmas…Christmas…Christmas…..” he whispered softly and the kids joined in.

He got louder and louder (as did the kids) until it was deafening.  By that time the kids were insane and jumping around screaming “Christmas!!” at the top of their lungs and Michael kicked Sam in the stomach because he was so excited.   Sam started screaming and doubled over in pain.

Apparently, Mr. Gaga had threatened earlier in the day that whenever Michael hurt Sam – Mr. Gaga would be inflicting the same injury to Michael so he could see how it felt.

I didn’t know about this arrangement.

All I knew is that Mr. Gaga gave Michael a quick graze to the stomach and he doubled over and started crying.

“What the hell are you doing??” I screamed at Mr. Gaga over all of the wailing and crying. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????”

“This isn’t a fucking pep rally! IT’S CHRISTMAS AND YOU RUINED IT!!!!!!” I screamed at him kneeling down to tend to the injured children.

“I am sick of you telling me I ruin Christmas!!!!” he screamed and stormed out the front door.

I stared down at the crying children rolling around on the floor.

I stared at the completed tree.

So close.

But definitely better than last year……and I forgave Mr. Gaga for his Christmas tree antics.

I have high hopes for 2013.

Last year I let him respond to my angry Christmas blog after he single-handedly destroyed Christmas of 2011, so I am reposting his response…..

MR. GAGA RESPONDS

Posted on December 18, 2011 by Lady Googoogaga

Mr. Gaga asked for a chance to plead his case – so I granted him a chance to guest blog below.  Enjoy!

Before I start, let me first ask this….no one found it ironic that the Mr. Gaga bashing followed the blog about Lady’s period.

It was set up so perfectly.

A blog about a woman’s period, then  a week later, a story about how awful her husband is.

The night the infamous tree incident reminded me of a scene from 28 Days Later.  (Not just a catchy title, but perfect timing.)

This is Lady in the living room window as we pulled up the driveway.  Something about the eyes told me that she was less than happy with me.  We call those “period eyes”.

This is Lady in the living room window as we pulled up the driveway. Something about the eyes told me that she was less than happy with me. We call those “period eyes”.

Now while I could probably write forever on this topic, I was given strict instructions about my “guest blogging”.  I will attempt to keep it short and sweet.

To you all, Ladygoogoogaga,  is funny and witty.

I like to compare her to grandkids.  Grandparents love them. You know why?  Because they go home to their parents at the end of the day.

You bring Lady into your home once a week to make you laugh.  In reality, you close her blog and wait till the next week.  I on the other hand have to live with her for the remainder of the week telling me how funny she is.

“Why don’t you think I’m funny?’  “984 people thought I was funny this week.”

Really Lady!  If you’re so funny, how come your shit ain’t payin the fuckin mortgage?  If you’re so funny, why don’t you go out and buy your own fuckin car instead of stealing mine?

Sorry.  I got off task.  Let me get back to the story.  Two weeks ago, I got suckered into going back to the infamous tree farm.  I had no problem going to Home Depot to get a tree and calling it a day.  I didn’t want to go out to that wretched tree farm anyway.  Lady’s father made me feel guilty. How can I tell this man no?

Long story short, I was ready to pack up around 4:30 pm to go home.  Father in law comes up and says, “Can you do me a favor?”

I knew what he has going to ask me before his mouth opened.  He wanted me to drive his 2 Christmas trees one hour out of my way, to his house because he couldn’t fit them in his car.  That meant I have to drive one hour one way to catch up two hours the other way.  I wouldn’t get home until close to 8:00 pm.  How can I tell this man no?  I couldn’t!

This is the same man who brought me to my colonoscopy, held my hand in the room and drove me home after.  This is all because “Ladygoogoohaha” couldn’t make it due to the “perfect 10 ” beach day.  In a nut shell, while her husband was getting anally probed by a doctor, WITH HER FATHER HOLDING HIS HAND, she was basking in the sun at the beach.

I ruined the Christmas Tree decorating night?

He was so proud to be there for me.

He was so proud to be there for me.

That being said.  I am not a bad guy.  I go to work.  I don’t beat my wife (though tempting at times).  I love my children.  I do my best to keep things moving smoothly in the house.

Just so you know, when she was  not speaking to me for three days….she actually was actually doing me a favor.  Seriously, you women think you are punishing us when you give us the silent treatment.  It is actually the greatest gift ever.

What she did leave out was the fact that I wake up at 4:30 am to be at work at 5:30 am.    Come home at 5 or 6 at night to high-five her as she walks out the door for book club or some other fucking excuse for a cult she belongs to.

My weekends include play dates with most of the people highlighted in this blog, stupid birthday parties, cleaning up the front yard because apparently if you’re a fuckin comedian like my wife, you can’t pick up a goddamn toy in the yard.  I AM  MR. MOM!

I just got home. Lady had a stand-up gig at the Coconuts

I just got home. Lady had a stand-up gig at the Coconuts

She’s hilarious.

You know what’s funny?

The fact that I keep having to wear my underwears inside out to pretend they’re clean because Lucille Ballgoogoogaga is busy making the world laugh.

Basically, my message is this.  You all should shut the fuck up because every woman should be so lucky to have a guy like me.  You have no idea what it is like to live with her!  She is like Mommy Dearest, Fatal Attraction, and Misery in one character.  This guest blog is my cry for help.

Below is a link for you to vote for me as the biggest asshole husband.  But before you vote, spend a week in my shoes.  You may change your mind.  Thank you, good night, and god bless…….

Sincerely, Mr. Gaga

Alright – really the click on this banner will just further my proof that I am the funniest mom in America…….Even though I already know it’s true – it’s good to be validated  – can you believe this guy???

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