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Monthly Archives: October 2012

Storm before the Storm


So remember last year when Storm Alfred came to Connecticut and destroyed everyone’s life?

We lost power for ten days and I learned some tough lessons.

So this time I am going to be better prepared.

First things first, last year I washed my hair the night before we lost power and woke up with no ability to fix the situation, minus a hairdryer and flatiron.

Needless to say, walking around like this for 10 days didn’t help my already depressed spirits.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator…..

Last night, I came home from a party and took the time to color my hair and wash and condition it.

This morning I blew it dry and flat-ironed the shit out of it.  I am not going to be caught in a homeless shelter with frizzy hair again…..fool me once.

Also, I have charged every single Nintendo DS, Ipad, phone, and Leapster I could find.  I will not get stuck playing UNO Attacks and Star Wars Operation for 10 straight days.  At least the electronic devices will buy me some time.

Meanwhile, while I was tending to all of this important business, Mr. Gaga kept leaving me notes and texts to “Go get water and batteries for the flashlights” and “Go get gas.”

He is a complete lunatic about the weather so I usually try to tune him out as much as possible to maintain sane and rational about inclement weather.

I kept deleting his messages, thinking he was completely dramatic.  It was only Friday and the storm wouldn’t be here until Monday.

In general – whether it’s a small spring shower or a tsunami, it’s basically like living with Helen Hunt from “Twister.” He watches the doppler radar like it’s his job and tells me which direction winds are blowing and talks in inches and temperatures while I stare at him blankly.

After I went to lunch with a girlfriend I had an hour before picking up the kids off the bus, so I figured I would run and grab water and batteries so that Mr. Gaga would be happy.

As I pulled into Target I started to get a clue that people had already completely lost their marbles.

Apparently these drama queens were mad that there was no bread…..I walked past them and searched for a cart……

My second clue that I was in trouble was that the area that usually housed the carts was now filled with tumbleweeds.    I ran to the water aisle.

Just as I suspected…..more tumbleweeds.

As I turned around and headed for the batteries, I noticed one little sad, crushed gallon of water on the floor.  I grabbed it and ran through the aisle like a maniac to the batteries.  The board that held batteries was empty of course.

Don’t be fooled, under that pillow this lady was hiding 75 packages of D Batteries and 8 flashlights.

I grabbed a flashlight that came with batteries, because at least that way I would come home with water and batteries for the flashlight as Mr. Gaga had requested.

Hair did, water bought, flashlight ready.  I went home and ate all the ice cream. (If you want to talk adding insult to injury is being stranded without power and having to throw out all of your ice cream.)

I was thinking I was in good shape.

Mr. Gaga wasn’t impressed.

After he yelled at me for coming home without “D” batteries – he asked me what the fuck we were going to do with one gallon of distilled water…..

Well, I don’t know what distilled water is, but I am sure a family of four can survive on it if they have to.

“Besides,” I said rummaging through the junk drawer, “I am sure after last year’s fiasco we must have went out and bought a bunch of flashlights.”

Including the new flashlight I bought, on the left, this is all we have….

Ooops, I guess I dropped the ball in the flashlight department.

But it’s fine, we have candles, and we can light a fire.

Last year, we stayed warm by having a fire in the fireplace constantly burning.  I remember thinking that I would have to be sure to order a lot of firewood to always have a good supply readily available.

I went into the backyard to investigate the firewood situation.

Apparently I forgot to buy batteries and flashlights, and also I forgot to order firewood….

Saturday morning I woke up and started getting organized and was able to find someone to deliver wood, which was a miracle so things were looking up.

Mr. Gaga took the kids trick or treating in town, and I went to work.  Last time we were stuck without power, Halloween was cancelled, and I drowned my sorrows by eating all of the leftover Halloween candy that I never got to eat.  This year I was smart and didn’t buy any Halloween candy yet.  I was planning on going at the last-minute.

When Mr. Gaga came home with the kids, it was clear that despite my excellent planning, I was in trouble…….

That evening the wood delivery arrived.  I was so proud that I had thought to order the wood and we could live in a warm house even if we have no power.

As the lumber man pulled away, he called out, “Put it somewhere safe! The wind will pick it up and it will be flying all over the place!”

We stared at each other and then stared at the wood.

So basically, in closing, we have learned nothing.

If we are not impaled by flying logs of firewood, we will survive this storm on lollipops and distilled water.

But at least my hair looks good.

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW BEFORE POWER GOES!! STAY SAFE!  XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

“Having it All”


As the election approaches there is a lot of talk about the state of women in this country.  I was lucky enough to be invited by my mother last week to the CT Forum, which is an organization that hosts panelists to discuss topics and ideas in a live, unscripted venue.

The topic was “The State of Women,” and the panel included Ashley Judd and Gloria Steinem.  Besides just watching the event, my mother had gotten us seats at a pre-show cocktail party and dinner where we could mingle with the celebrity panelists.

Although we were supposed to be taking all of these women’s issues very seriously, I had watched enough Oprah shows to secretly hope to throw back a martini with Ashley Judd and get to the bottom of what it was like to grow up with Wynonna and Naomi.

Although I was looking forward to it, this Friday night excursion couldn’t happen on a worse week.  I had booked myself to work everyday for 6 straight days, and Michael’s Halloween birthday party was Saturday afternoon.

Oh yeah, and I was working all day Saturday and would get home an hour before the party begun.

I spent the weeknights leading up to the party at the grocery store, filling pinatas, decorating and making spider cookies so that come Saturday I would be somewhat prepared.

Listen, if anyone ever wants to argue the point that I am not a good mother, I think it’s fair to say that all I have to do is show them this photo of my tarantula cookies to prove otherwise……(thank you Rachael Ray)

Needless to say – as usual,whenever work takes over, my house was completely trashed and laundry was to the ceiling.  I would need to do some cleaning before the party, or parents would be afraid to leave their children at my house!

By Friday, I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.  I had to leave the house early to drive to work over an hour away in Fairfield County. The people I was working for were not happy that I had to leave early to head back so that I could go to the CT Forum event in Hartford.

Now on top of party stress, the house stress, the work stress, the exhaustion…..add to that…….the MERRITT PARKWAY ON A FRIDAY AT 5 PM.

If you have not experienced the lovely travelling conditions in Connecticut consider yourself lucky.

Oh, did I mention I was on the second day of my period?  That’s the day where if I am not by a toilet on the hour – I look like I have been in a slasher film from the 80′s.

2 hours later, I missed the entire cocktail hour.  I was ready to cry.

I knew my mother was going to be disappointed/mad, and also I really had wanted to corner Ashley and stare at her.  I was beyond annoyed as I peeled into a parking lot and waddled out of my car.

The dinner party was held at the Wadsworth Atheneum, which is essentially a small museum that I didn’t know my way around.  I desperately needed a restroom.  I entered the building where the party was being held.  I ran through the lobby and an abandoned ballroom.  I saw people filing into two dining rooms getting seated for dinner.

I wanted to find my seat before everyone was seated but there was no way.  I needed to change my tampon ASAP.

I  turned down an empty corridor and saw a small little door with a “woman symbol” on it.  Thankfully, I shoved the door open and found myself in a very small little bathroom with just 2 tight little stalls in it.

As I looked into this small space this is what I saw:

Finally something fun happened in my life!!

I got to change my tampon next to Ashley Judd!!!

That made up for the fact that I didn’t get to drill her about her mother and sister like I had planned.

So after dinner we went to listen to these amazing women discuss many of the issues plaguing women today.

There was lots of great discussion, but in particular I was most interested in the topic of “women having it all.”

Here I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown from trying to DO IT ALL!  So I was interested in everyone’s answers to this question.

Can women today really have it all??

I don’t think so.

Mr. Gaga helped me incredibly, as usual, with the party.  On Saturday morning I left him home with a to-do list of things to do, which included cleaning up the house, putting up a tent outside and decorating it, setting up fog machines, tying up pinatas…..the list was endless.

He fully supports me going to work and takes the kids to their games and parties when I am not available.  I have even been known to dump them off at his workplace.

While I know I am lucky to have a supportive husband, it doesn’t mean I can “have it all.”

I am the one making the “to-do list.” I am the one going to the store at 10 PM buying 16 perfect pumpkins to decorate.  I am the one in the craft store looking for little skull candies to decorate 75 cake pops.

I am the one up all night worrying while Mr. Gaga snores.

I am the one envisioning this cake and wondering if Michael will like it, and how I will get the black frosting out of his white vampire shirt…..

So maybe I didn’t actually make this cake all by myself…..

But I had to think about it! I had to find it in a Halloween desserts book!! I had to hire someone to create it!!!

This is what mothers do!  Mr Gaga, God love him, would hand out Halloween Oreos and call it a day.

So can we have it all? Can we even do it all?

I know I can’t.

Or if I can I sure as hell don’t look good doing it.

Because guess what? If I go to work, and I make it to the CT Forum with my mother, and the party is a success, and my house is clean……chances are I have let my own needs go by the wayside.

This means I haven’t had time for the gym, sleep, dying my gray hair or waxing my moustache.

I sure am glad that everyone appreciated the Halloween party……                                                        This is what I look like as a result , so I hope you are all happy.

I feel a bit duped by my mother’s generation.

They said we could go to college. They said we could be “the boss.”

They said we were just as smart smarter than the boys.

They said we could have a career and a family.

They told us that we could do it all.

They were so high on marijuana excited about the new freedoms for women in the 1970′s, that they believed the sky was the limit!

They thought that the glass ceiling would be gone and everything would be perfect for us.

“You can have it all,” they would whisper in our ears, as they tucked us into bed.

And we believed them.

There was no doubt in my mind when I saw Geraldine Ferraro campaigning for vice-president that a woman would someday be president.

I absolutely believed that I would go to college, have a career and have a family.

That would be what I did.  It would just work.

But it really doesn’t always work!

And even if it looks like it’s working, we are filled with guilt and doubts.

These are feelings that men can never take over for us, no matter how much they are helping.

Let’s face it……even the best Dad in the world isn’t a mom.

I just don’t know if it’s possible.

But Gloria’s answer to this was perfect!

“I just want to say, why aren’t men asked about having it all?  Until men are asked about having it all, it will mean that women are doing it all….”

Ok Gloria, well-said but I still don’t know the answer.

Do any of you women out there feel like you can do it all or have it all??

If so, share your secrets with me!!!

And in the meantime – while we are all trying to conquer the world is it too much to ask for someone to make us a goddamn tampon that lasts more than an hour??

PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK AND SEE IF WE CAN CONQUER THIS DILEMMA WITH SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING ALL OF YOUR SECRETS:)
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Movie Premieres, Awards and Stuff


This week I have to take care of some blogging business.

Sony Pictures recently asked if I would be interested in going to a private screening of a movie.

I closed my eyes and envisioned myself on a red carpet wearing borrowed jewelry from Neil Lane.

Then I pictured myself inside a dark movie theater with a huge tub of buttery popcorn.

“Yes please.” I responded.

Here’s Mr. Gaga and I posing for pictures before the premiere.

It didn’t end up being quite the glamorous event I was hoping for.

I got an email on Tuesday.

You and a guest are confirmed to see “Here Comes the Boom,” on Wednesday at 7 PM in Manchester, CT. Please arrive at 6:30.”

Needless to say there was no human being on earth that wanted to go to the movies with me 20 minutes away in the middle of the week at dinnertime.  At the end of my rope – I had no choice but to ask Mr. Gaga.

Did I mention that he hates going to the movies?

I hired a babysitter and convinced him to come with me.  Thank God this movie happened to star Kevin James and be about wrestling, so he agreed to join me.

Kevin James has a special place in our heart since we are the exact same couple as the one on the King of Queens, to the point that people have actually asked for my autograph thinking I am Leah Remini.

We rushed around, fed the kids a quick dinner and headed out on a rainy Wednesday night.  We were annoyed and running late when we arrived.  I guess they must have just put away the “step and repeat, ” before we got there.

To add insult to injury – we didn’t even have time to stop and grab a huge vat of popcorn.  I said to Mr. Gaga – “We will just go in for a little while and if it sucks -we will leave.”

As we approached the doors into the movie – I saw two people guarding the door.  There was a table set up outside of the doors with a bunch of paper bags on it.

“Oh – thank God!” I thought, “The Sony people are so great! They already arranged to have popcorn for us!”

I approached the table so elated to have popcorn – ready to grab a bag.

The man at the desk said “Do you have a phone?”

“Yes.” I answered.

“You need to put it in a bag and leave it here.” he gestured towards the table.

“Wait ….” I looked at the sea of paper bags.

“All of these bags are phones…not popcorn?”

The man looked at me sternly.

“They are phones, and you are not allowed in with a phone.” he answered with the serious delivery that one would associate with Homeland Security….not necessarily a Kevin James flick.

So of course by the time we got in to our seats, with dry throats and empty stomachs, tired and disgruntled, we were not looking forward to the film….

And then….

WE LOVED IT!

We literally laughed out loud……many times.

And we rarely laugh at the same stuff.  So big shout-out to the Sony Pictures peeps and Here Comes the Boom.

My rating scale is based on cell phones.

Zero cell phone = not worth leaving your cell phone with sketchy movie theater staff assigned to “phone watch” for 2 hours.

One cell phone = slightly worth the risk of leaving one cell phone with movie theater staff for 2 hours, but could wait for the DVD

Two cell phones= worth putting 2 cell phones in paper bags and leaving with sketchy movie theater staff for 2 hours and potentially not getting important calls from your babysitter

Because this is a perfect date movie – (I laughed and cried if you can believe it.) I am giving this movie TWO CELL PHONES!!!

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST PEOPLE! 

PART 2: – BLOG AWARDS

And now on to my awards.

I have received some awards from other bloggers.  This means so much because it is from my peers! When you all send me messages and like my posts on facebook, and give me comment love telling me how much you enjoyed my blog post, my heart soars, but as Mr. Gaga always says, “Chase doesn’t accept laughs as mortgage payment” – so sometimes it’s nice to get something concrete.

If it can’t be a million dollars – I will gladly take a virtual award in the meantime.

I recently was awarded an Illuminating Blogger Award – from Zannah Brown of Whoa Susannah!  She is a real writer that makes me laugh all the time.  I was so honored to receive this award that as I understand it means that I am a shining star in the blogosphere and I am awesome.

Another award came before that one from Brett Minor at the Transformed Noncomformist.    I am pretty sure this one means that I am a shining star in the blogosphere that is creative and awesome.

He was so kind to give this to me way back in June when I was very excited to be drinking lots of wine, not waking up for the bus and spending my days at the beach so I am finally getting around to doing my duty- which is to link back tot he person giving me the award, answer seven questions, provide random facts about myself and then to give the award to seven other bloggers.  Here goes:

The Questions:

1: What’s your favorite song?

Right now everyone in my house is singing “We are never getting back together,” by Taylor Swift. It’s not my favorite by any stretch – but it’s catchy and it’s in my head.

2: What’s your favorite dessert?

Oh God – it is a real toss-up between cake and ice cream – but I think my heart really belongs to ice cream –and let me tell you all a little secret on this topic.  My foodie friend Marsha told me about Talenti Gelato…….RUN don’t walk to buy this….Chocolate Peanut Butter cup is amazing! Today I just purchased Sea Salt and Caramel….one flavor is better than the next AND they are all natural, hormone free, no high fructose corn syrup deliciousness…..

3: What do you do when you’re upset?

I usually just drive myself and Mr. Gaga crazy thinking the worst.

4: Which is your favourite pet?

We have two little South African frogs that I don’t feed or touch or do anything with.  They are my kind of pets.

5: White bread or whole meal?

I love bread and carbs of all kinds – but I try to do as much whole grain as possible because I am fat and elderly.

6: What’s your biggest fear?

I am afraid of bugs and birds.

7: What’s your attitude most of the time?

I think I am pretty no-nonsense most of the time….which is often mistaken for being an evil bitch….

10 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MYSELF:

  1. Mr. Gaga rarely, if ever, thinks I am funny.
  2. I have one tattoo.
  3. I love my book club.
  4. I hate bringing my kids to the bus stop.
  5. The first thing I do in the morning is slather on my eye gel straight out of  the fridge.
  6. My favorite color is black.
  7. I am addicted to the Real Housewives franchise, including Watch What Happens Live.
  8. I am a hypochondriac.
  9. I love having 2 boys and don’t even know what I would do with a girl.
  10. I was in a gifted program when I was young, (it was all downhill from      there.)

Seven Bloggers to Pass Award on to: ( I am giving Brett the Illuminating and Zannah the Kreative)

  1. Whoa Susannah, (formerly known as Write, Rinse, Repeat)  - very smart, her tagline alone will have you LOL’ing
  2. The Transformed Nonconformist -follow this guy for his hilarious tweets alone
  3. Speed Chic - A Connecticut fave of mine
  4. Ava Grace’s Closet - even though she makes me feel like my closet is filled with tumbleweeds and rags – she’s an inspiration:)
  5. Mama Kat’s Losin it - she is amazing and on top of being a creative blogger- she vlogs and looks good doing it
  6. Funny or Snot - She has one of the best comments on my blog ever regarding 50 Shades of Gray
  7. Dishwater Dreams - I could just look at her banner all day
  8. Me as a Mother - Her photos capture motherhood perfectly

Next week I will be back to my usual shenanigans of hating on the neighborhood children and tying my car doors shut with yarn…in the meantime please click on the banner below!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Unsafe Safety Latches


I’ve been frazzled.

Last week I literally had no obligations.

I had no work and by some religious miracle there seemed to be no Jewish holidays last week – so the kids actually went to school everyday!

I have been waiting for a day when I had nothing to do since the 80′s.  I have had a very clear plan in place for some time.

In 1985, at the very young age of 7, I decided what I would do if a day free of obligations ever came my way.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would spend the day in a lounge chair in a black lace bra and shorts, calling friends on my huge cordless phone.

I would drink wine and champagne and Cheetos and listen to cassette tapes…..

 

 

Now that the day is finally here….I think I am too old and fat for my plan……

So I at least took time every day to work out and shower and shop, which was all very luxurious.

I cooked. I cleaned.

I wandered around the house looking out the windows.  Things were pretty orderly, but yet…..I felt disorganized.

I kind of flip-flopped around the house feeling under-utilized and confused.  Didn’t anyone need anything from me??

Apparently all of this not being needed makes me very tired, because on Tuesday, Michael woke me up to ask me for help with his pants.  I rolled over and saw that the clock said 8:19.

Just so we are all on the same page, the bus actually comes at 8:09.

That was a bad morning.

Later in the week I was supposed to go to my mother’s for her birthday and I said I would make a cake when I got to her house.  I went to the store to get specific ingredients to go along with the cake – and I realized at 7 PM that night as we were making dinner, that I forgot the cake mix.  It was a stupid thing that I would have never done if I had 2 screaming babies with me all week and a full plate at work.

It seems now, the less I have to do – the more of a disorganized hot mess I become.

On Thursday, I had to drive the kids to school because Sam had to make a boat for a school project and we didn’t think it would make the trip to school safely on the bus.

I woke up early – so that I could have coffee and get ready for the gym.  My plan was to drop off the kids and be at the gym by 8:35.   We were doing great, as we loaded into the car I thought about “drop-off.”

At school there are very strict guidelines about how you can actually “DROP OFF” your child.

Whereas “dropping off” used to be a term used casually for leaving something or someone somewhere….it is now a full, very serious ACTION that requires strict attention to rules and regulations, or risk ruining the well-oiled machine that is “DROP-OFF.”

One of said rules is that parents must DROP OFF from the right-hand side of the vehicle onto the sidewalk.  Children cannot get out on the left-hand side and mothers cannot under any circumstance help their children get out of the car.

Children need to get out swiftly and efficiently or they will cause a back-up of angry Land Rovers and Escalades.  Lord forbid there’s any problem with seatbelt unfastening or backpack forgetting – you have to just drop-kick your kid to the curb or risk starting a riot.

In the world of child-safety locks this often means that children are locked in the back seat until the DROP OFF NAZI ON DUTY notices and opens the door for them.

This particular morning I said “Kids – I am just going to undo the child safety latch on the door – so when we get to school – you can just hop out on your own.”

While the kids got settled, Sam gingerly holding his boat on his lap – I went over to the door and flipped a switch.

I slammed the door shut and it bounced right back at me. I had turned something so that the door was unable to shut at all.  I fiddled with it and started to freak out after repeated attempts of fixing the problem didn’t work.

I was sweating and swearing as I stared at the little label next to the latch, trying to figure it out.

I stared at this for a good ten minutes thinking…ok, a kid popping out of a space suit and a kid with his space helmet on…..what does this have to do with the door????

Finally in a moment of strong and confident mothering I said, “Kids – I am going to get you to school….Sam hold the door while I drive.”

He looked at me with horror, with eyes and mouth open wide.

He handed his boat to Michael and held on tight to the door handle as I peeled out of the driveway.

We were 15 minutes late at this point.  As I rounded the corner out of our street the velocity pulled on the door and it threatened to open but Sam held strong.

“I can’t do it Mom!!! I am going to let go!!” he screamed.

“You can do it Sam!! Don’t let go – no matter what!!” I screamed back.  All the while Michael was laughing and calling my name over our hysterics.

“What Michael?” I finally answered.

“Well what will you do when we get to school? Who will hold the door for you when you drive home?”

I peered back at him in the rearview mirror.

I hadn’t thought this through, had I?

“I will call Daddy,” I announced with dread.

When we got to school – I left the door wide open while I signed the kids in at the front office.  I called Mr. Gaga a couple of times and he didn’t answer.  Finally on the 4th call he answered he had been in a meeting.  When I explained the pickle I was in, he was not happy.

“Well, you are going to have to wait…I’m in the middle of something,” he said in a very angry tone and pretty much hung up on me.

In his defense I have called him 3 times since school started requesting him to come home for various reasons involving loss of keys for homes and vehicles.

I knew I was dead, and it would be in my best interest to figure this thing out.

If I could figure it out – Mr. Gaga wouldn’t have to leave work and our marriage could be saved!

I figured I could tie the door shut somehow using something I had lying around in the car.  Apparently when I told the kids a while back to keep the car clean – they took me seriously because I didn’t have much in the way of materials to work with.

When I thought I found something that I could use, I called Mr. Gaga and told him I was going to jimmy something together and that he didn’t need to come.

“Too late,” he grumbled.  “I am on my way.”

I stood outside of the car waiting for him.  When he arrived he marched over to the car and I forgot I had left my materials tied to the door.

“Really? Are you serious????? What were you going to do with that?” he asked with disgust, pointing at the door.

This seemed like as good a plan as any…..

“I was going to tie it shut!!” I answered back defiantly.

He pulled the door handle up from the outside, a little click noise happened and he shut the door gently.

I looked down at the shut door. “How the heck did you?…..”

Then I looked up at him as he turned around.

He started to go back towards his car but stopped to let a car go.  The woman waved him to go across.

He said “Go ahead! I’m going to slap her around a little bit!!!” and made a motion of slapping me in the face.

The minivan pulled up and a chinese woman rolled down the window, she called out in broken english.

“You Sam mother?”

“Yes!” I said fake-smiling.  (*Since Sam has been in school all of 3 weeks, his charms, good looks and guido-like tendencies have made him famous and relegated me to simply “Sam’s mom.”)

“You OK?” she asked me , gesturing towards Mr. Gaga with disgust.  Her eyes bored deep into mine so that she could accurately be able to read my cry for help.

“Oh no I’m fine ! He’s just kidding!” I said in a text-book response of an abuse victim.

As she drove slowly away, I said “Oh great…now everyone is going to think you beat me!”

We had a little chuckle which lightened the mood a bit.  He got in his car and peeled out.

It was 9:00 am.

All that and I still had 6 1/2 more hours of confusion and disorganization ahead of me.

I HAVE TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER OR MR GAGA IS GOING TO LEAVE ME…..IN THE MEAN TIME PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW SO AT LEAST I KNOW THAT SOMEBODY LOVES ME AND NEEDS ME AROUND HERE!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

My mother responds…..


It is my mother’s birthday this week – so as a special birthday homage – I am giving her a chance to respond to my repeated references to the obsession with Days of our Lives different “parenting style,” that she had back in the good old 1970′s.

I have tried to explain to her many times that in this day and age, if I got caught lying around watching back to back soap operas, someone would surely call the authorities and have me hauled away to the mental institution, but she thinks I am crazy.

She constantly says things like “Lady, really, why don’t you just take a nap….you run yourself ragged.” or “Why don’t you just lay on the couch and read your book.”

I usually just stare at her like she is speaking a foreign language.

After I referenced the fact that she watched Another World instead of addressing the fact that my gym teacher made me take a shower in elementary school - she decided to speak up.

She sent the following letter:

Thanks Mom! Happy birthday!!

Fwd: LadyGooGooGaga
   
-------------------------

Dear Lady,

As your mother, I do feel badly for you, your new "motherhood" is
very disturbing and completely foreign to me,  
Yes, you are resilient, and that's because you were raised (not
"parented") to become self-reliant, independent thinking people,
capable of solving your own problems.  If you or your brother ever bothered me on the beach, while I was reading, to
complain of someone throwing sand, cranberries or not sharing, you were
punished twice, once for the inappropriate behavior, and secondly for being a tattle
tale.     

As for the gym teacher, I still don't see what the big problem is.  Seriously, do you people really expect her to
walk through a locker room of 25 half-naked girls with a blindfold on so she
could trip over the balance beam and crack her head open?

Then there's the issue of teachers and/or principals being
"mean".  Call me old-fashioned,
but I usually figured that if that were the case, it was most likely that YOU
DID SOMETHING WRONG.   I also believed
that the squeaky wheel didn't always get the oil.  Sometimes, if a parent consistently tortures
the teachers by reporting every little injustice their perfect angels had supposedly
suffered, the teacher might harbor a little resentment toward the child, which
would obviously not be good when they filled out their ten page report cards.

"Petition Moms"...really??? 
The mothers of my day were far too busy working part-time, volunteering
for local charities, managing political campaigns, writing editorials, and
getting elected to public office ourselves, almost always with our darling
children in tow.

You were all thrilled to be eating donuts, home-made Italian cookies and sheet
pizza at headquarters on Election Day, after you'd spent the previous month
running up and down the streets sticking political flyers in people's
doors.  I suppose that would be kind of
like a "play date", right?

At the end of the day, I would love to be watching a soap opera, Jeopardy or
CNN, as I was folding a mountain of laundry, and could smell our delicious
(preservative and hormone free) dinner simmering away in the kitchen.  I did have to glance out the window every now
and then, as you and your brother were happily playing with the dozen or so
other neighborhood children OUTSIDE BY YOURSELVES.  It was a wonderful life, and I wouldn't trade
it for the world.

So, Lady, I'm proud of you.  Keep up the
good work and I'll see you on Election Day!

love,

Mother Gaga
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