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Love in the Pumpkin Patch


The first fall I was living in Connecticut after living as a newlywed in New York for a little while, I thought it would be so fun and whimsical to spend a fall day at a pumpkin patch with Mr. Gaga.

The first mistake I made was to wear a cool outfit that I would wear to go somewhere in NYC – which of course included a pointy-toed boot with a spike heel.  I kept sinking into the muddy patch and could barely stand up straight – let alone bend over and pick up a pumpkin.

To add insult to injury, when I wasn’t twisting my ankle, or tripping on pumpkin vines, I was narrowly avoiding small children that were running around me in circles.  While I was trying very hard to be cute and romantic, there were 50 children around that I narrowly avoided crushing or poking their eye out with my stiletto.

Mr. Gaga was annoyed with me, “Why would you wear this outfit to go pumpkin-picking?” he grumbled between clenched teeth as he held me up by my elbow, helping me to not commit involuntary manslaughter on all of the children in the patch.

“Ugh – why are these children here – ruining our romantic time in the pumpkin patch?” I screamed as loud as I could thought to myself.

I remember sweating to death as the sun beat down on us while we waited in line to pay for our pumpkins and apple fritters, swatting at yellow jackets that swarmed around the whole facility.

It was not exactly what I had in mind, and Mr. Gaga swore he would never go again.

While I thought I was being cute and sexy at the pumpkin patch, Mr. Gaga wasn’t impressed.

I have since learned what is appropriate attire for “pumpkin patch day” – and have grown accustomed to going with children, sweating to death, and becoming completely filthy and exhausted from the whole ordeal.  All to come home with a couple of pumpkins to put on our front steps.

Today my best friends, A and L were in town and all of our husbands were doing something to entertain themselves, as usual, so we decided to try out a new place that offered a corn maze, and other activities outside of just pumpkin-picking.

“What should we wear?” I asked L.

“Well – A’s husband said that since it poured rain last night the whole place will be muddy.  We better wear our rain boots.”*

*Rain or shine – we will use any excuse to wear our rainboots. Let me just say that outside of the UGG – this whole “wear hideous rainboots as a fashion statement” trend is the best thing to happen to mothers since the double stroller. 

So off I went thrilled to move my foot out of a flip-flop directly into a rainboot – and excited for a fun day.

We were running late and when we arrived I parked the car quickly and we all got out of the car.  I had parked very close to the car next to me and I noticed there was a young couple sitting in the car, buckling their seatbelts getting ready to leave.

It was a tight squeeze -I saw the young woman watching me as I pushed the kids along in between the two cars. I was tempted to knock on the window and say “Enjoy your romantic Sundays, because once you get knocked up, it’s over honey.” but I thought better of it.

I thought back to when Mr. Gaga and I were young and those days of coming to the pumpkin patch with no kids.  I had a flashback to how I felt when I was a young newlywed enjoying a fall day with nothing to worry about except how I looked.  I looked at the actual pumpkin patch when we arrived and thought of how ridiculous I was to wear heels!!

Now – my looks are clearly the last priority as I arrived with a shirt, jeans and rainboots on what was shaping up to be a beautiful, HOT, SUNNY, DRY day….

When we arrived the kids had a blast just hanging out on huge haystacks for like a half hour!

Then off we went to the “corn pit.” As Michael explained later to my husband, “It was like a “corn box,” like a sandbox has sand in it – it was like that….except instead of sand, it was corn.”

Weird right?

It was corn-effing-tastic.

L is in the midst of building a house right now – and we all agreed that she would speak to her husband about adding a “corn-box.” to the backyard landscaping plan.

We spent hours rolling around in the corn….

It was magical.

There was something very relaxing about all of this corn….we took off our rainboots and dipped our feet in and pretended we were at the spa….(we don’t get out much.)

Of course – my children have to turn everything into the “Jersey Shore,” so while everyone was enjoying the huge tires filled with corn in the corn-pit – I overheard my kids saying “Let’s pretend to be in hot tubs.”

By this time – we were hot and sunburned from the glorious afternoon and realized how absurd it was that we were wearing big heavy rainboots in the dusty dry fields.

A found one puddle in the whole place and we all felt obligated to step in it.

Before we knew it – we had spent most of our day in the cornpit – and we hadn’t even gotten a pumpkin or gone through the maze.

“Do we really have to go in there?” A begged, “We will never get out!”

The kids insisted – so armed with maps we headed in.  We were supposed to find clues along the way to solve some sort of mystery.

Fast forward 30 minutes – the clue charts were thrown in the corn and we were frantically running in circles looking for the light of day.

It was very clear that we were not good at mazes.

We kept grabbing the map from each other and just staring at it blankly.  We would then look up and say “Um, go that way…..”

As I followed L, contemplating how many of our heads could use her Gucci diaper bag as a pillow if we had to spend the night in the corn, I heard her say to one of the kids, “Don’t worry…a helicopter will find us.”

Finally A led us out to safety and we went to the pumpkin patch to finally pick out some pumpkins.

It was a great day, a great way to kick off fall.

We ambled up to our cars, pulling wagons heavy with pumpkins.  As I approached my car I saw a note on my windshield.

Remember that couple from the morning?

The ones in the car parked closely next to mine?

They left me a note.

Let’s just say that it seems like someone skipped their anger management class today……and lets just say that that someone frantically used their dunkin donuts bag as a piece of paper to be sure she could get me a message……

To think I was going to warn them about what it will be like to have kids!!!

I guess they will have to just find out on their own….

and you know what they say….

KARMA IS A BITCH!!!!!

HAPPY AUTUMN TO ALL – EVEN THOSE MISERABLE HUMAN BEINGS THAT LEAVE NASTY NOTES ON CARS BECAUSE CHILDREN TAPPED INTO THEIR SHITTY TOYOTA COROLLA……

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!

xo, Ladygoogoogaga

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16 responses »

  1. What a great day you guys had! Awesome!
    U r right karma baby!
    M

    Reply
  2. Omg. Hysterical.

    Reply
  3. Oh the lovely, judgemental Karma bitch. Yes, she will meet her someday. I hope you didn’t let that note ruin what seemed like a really fun day. Half the people in my family hate the pumpkin patch and the other half love it. Not sure which side of the fence I’m on, but I know it pisses me off when my cute shoes get dirty.

    Reply
  4. I hope the corn pit didn’t have any toe fungi in it like those dirty McDonald’s tubes. Lol. I’m starting to believe that this stuff doesn’t happen to other people as much as you. There’s a name for your kind ” Black Cloud.” Very funny.

    Reply
  5. I can not stop laughing. I have friends who usually drag me and my 3 kids kicking and screaming to these places. I know look back and think what great memories, but I must admit I am very happy they are MEMORIES……

    Reply
  6. Honestly I know how to spell now .sorry motherhood does crazy things to your brain…wait until you are a grandmother babysitting…..

    Reply
  7. We’ve done one too many corn mazes in our years with our 6 and 3 year old boys. No more. But the corn pit we’ve got to try. Where was this?

    Reply
  8. No corn mazes EVER…I have watched way too many horror movies. And I hope Karma will come back looking for that chick

    Reply
  9. You.are.killing.me!
    First off, I am SO with you on the rain boots. Around these parts, if it is even calling for rain one day…all will wear Hunter’s for the entire month. True.

    And did you not see Children of the Corn? I still can’t sleep because of it.

    Reply
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  11. The corn pit looked like so much fun! We did the Pumpkin Patch this weekend and my girls LOVED it! Loved reading your post, hilarious! KARMA!! She will be waiting for her, LOL!

    Reply
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