When Sam went off to kindergarten, I cried as I walked back home. Mr. Gaga and I sat on the front steps enjoying a few sips of morning coffee, and then off he went to work. I stepped into the kitchen, wiped my tears, put my coffee cup in the sink and looked around.
We had spent the past two days frantically shopping and unpacking from vacation. Mr. Gaga had been nice enough to make a big “back-to-school breakfast” for the kids, and the remaining pans with greasy bacon and crusted eggs were on the stove top. The dishwasher was full and needed emptying, there were Legos all over the floor, a stack of papers that needed to be filled out and returned to school was scattered all over the kitchen island, cups and breakfast plates littered the counters.
The place was a shit hole.
I stared at the dishwasher and the weight of it coupled with the deafening silence of the house was too much to bear.
I turned on my heel and went up to my bedroom to get ready for work. (Although it would be nice to have time to myself – I knew it would be best for my mental health to be working that day.) If I had nowhere to be - I I would have surely dissolved into a hysterical mess on the floor in front of the dishwasher.
I had dreamt of this day for 7 years. As soon as Michael’s head was crowning in the delivery room I was thinking about the day I could ditch him and have some “me” time.
I had wished many times for a day that I would be all alone and could drink my coffee in peace, and watch whatever morning program I wanted. As I got ready for work I decided to turn on the television in my bedroom and watch Kelly Ripa.
After a couple of minutes I had to call my BF.
“Um – I have been waiting to watch Kelly for 7 years and today is the day – and it sucks.” I said sinking into a depression.
“Oh, yeah – it’s horrible, there’s some football player on it now….it’s not good,” she answered matter-of-factly.
So – all this time I have been watching morning cartoons, and I finally get to watch and there’s some weird football player instead of Regis?
Well, thank God I had somewhere to be – so I couldn’t get too upset.
As I made my way out the door to go to work – I remembered the filthy house. As I shut the door behind me – I thought, “I’ll clean it up later, I’ll just tell Mr. Gaga that I was busy with…..too busy with….that I ….that I what??
A newfound sense of dread crept through me as I drove to work pondering this little dilemma. It seems that when those kids got on that bus to full-day school they took with them a long list of excuses that I will no longer be able to use.
Will I ever be able to say I’m tired again?
” Tired from what?” people will ask.
What will my answer be?
“Tired from walking 3 inches to the bus stop twice a day?”
And what about Mr. Gaga? He’s never going to let me be “tired” again!!! In the past I could always block any romantic overtures with complaints of exhaustion so that I could watch my shows and relax at night.
I could bark out things like “I just breastfed your son all day, get away from me!” or “Don’t come near me I have been cleaning up vomit all day.”
Now what will I say? I better think of something or the Gaga household is going to be a lot more romantic than its been in approximately 7 years.
Speaking of which – I would kill for a day of pampering at the spa. But if I don’t clean or accomplish anything and take some “me” time, it will probably not look good. I will just have to tell Mr. Gaga (and anyone else who asks) that I spend a lot of time volunteering at the kids’ classrooms.
Meanwhile, Mr. Gaga will think my toes are curled in the throes of ecstasy, but I will really just be hiding my pedicure.
If all of a sudden I start to look put together and well-groomed – it will be a signal that I have too much time on my hands.
Hmmm, I will have to wear a fake moustache when he’s around or he will totally know something is up!
And then what? Is Mr. Gaga going to expect me to shave my legs on a regular basis? I can’t really think of a reason why they wouldn’t be shaved… now that I have ALL DAY!!!
What will be next? Will I be expected to wear matching bra and underwear sets? Will I have to throw out my maternity underwear once and for all?
Speaking of underwear, what reason will there be for people in the Gaga household to not have clean underwear anymore? I certainly can no longer say I haven’t had a chance to do laundry…..
At one point this past holiday season, Mr. Gaga pointed out that he wore a pair of dirty underwear inside-out in an act of sheer desperation, because I had neglected the laundry for so long.
I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore.
Let’s face it. There’s no household chore I will be able to get out of. I’ve been known to leave the house in the morning without emptying the dishwasher. I would be out and about all day running errands and entertaining the children, and then I would watch Mr. Gaga do it at night while I made dinner.
“Sorry – I couldn’t get to it in between the library, the park, the playdate, and music class!” I would say.
And speaking of Mr. Gaga coming home from work….there have many days that I have met him in the driveway as he got out of his car. Citing horrible children that were torturing me, I would leave frantically in search of a minute’s peace. I would go anywhere to get away from the beasts and leave him to deal with them for an hour or two.
Oh, and my car. For the past 7 years, Mr. Gaga and any other responsible adult would be horrified upon entering my vehicle. It is basically filled with pounds and pounds of beach sand from May to September, along with crushed goldfish, munchkin pieces, exploded Capri Sun containers, and used straws.
Now when someone sits in the back seat and leaves with sandy french fries on their ass, who can I blame?
Myself??? Oh the horror.
I guess the need for fast food will be out the window anyhow. What reason will there be for no dinner? Could I say I just didn’t feel like it? Could I say that I spent the day watching television programs and forgot to plan for supper?
I don’t think so.
It seems to me I have my work cut out for me more than ever before. Will it ever end??
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!! RIGHT NOW I WISH FOR YOU TO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO…