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Dear potential employer,


“Don’t even think of asking me what I did all day,” I warned Mr. Gaga the other day as we discussed the pending start of the school year which will leave me home without children from 8 AM until 3:30 PM everyday.

“I understand…..” he answered cautiously.

A few minutes later…..”But what will you do?”

After being tortured by my children for seven years I am finally going to be able to tackle little projects that I haven’t had time for, like taking care of my beard.

It’s a valid question.

I tried to envision myself with nothing to do.

After my morning coffee and maybe a quick run….things could get dicey.

I decide to peruse the old “Help Wanted” section.

This led to a panicked session of “resume revival” and let’s just say I had a hard time making myself sound qualified for most of the job postings I saw.

Let me know what you think:

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Connecticut, Ladygoogoogaga2011@gmail.com

Objective

  • To find someone to hire me so that I will not go insane at home, and possibly have some extra money for shoes.

Education

HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION, 1998 | FANCY NEW ENGLAND PREP SCHOOL

BA, 2002 | GOOD JESUIT UNIVERSITY

  • Major: Communications
  • Minor: Finding a husband

Skills & Abilities:

Management

  • Registered and transported 2 small children to hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball, swimming, soccer, hip-hop, track and field, many birthday parties and playdates
  • Responsible for all household management, including planning and preparing meals 3 times a day, making all pertinent appointments for household members, and telling members of the household when it is time to shut up and go to bed.
  • Present to-do lists to household partner and persistently “remind” him to do said projects.
  • Responsible for all laundering of clothing, bedding, and any other furniture or materials that might accidentally become covered in vomit, pee or poop.
  • Responsible for cleaning and wiping of all rectums and surrounding areas for a period of 7 years.
  • Filled and emptied dishwasher daily, and kept track of approximately 25-40 sippy cups and snack cups, and their corresponding lids

Sales

Communication

  • Learned to properly utilize vocal chords to the best of my ability while screaming at my children
  • Relayed religious knowledge to children as well as utilized proper religious education offerings
  • Able to maintain composure and not gouge out my own eyeballs when forced to speak and interact with insane women in various environments including but not limited to playgroups, Kindermusik, and bad playdates

Leadership

  • Got the bus stop moved after a series of harassing phone calls to the bus company
  • Maintained sanity while surrounded by insane women or insane children for the majority of the past seven years
  • Curbed swearing in front of children to only favorite terms, and completely eliminated daily use of “cunt” and “motherfucker”

Interests and Hobbies

In my free time I try to work on losing the baby weight from my pregnancy 5 years ago, watching any of the “Real Housewives” franchises and taste-testing different types of wine.

Experience

LADY GOO GOO GAGA BLOG (http:lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com)  – 2011-present

  • Make people laugh at how absurd my life is on a weekly basis.
  • MAKE PEOPLE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!!

AND MAKE PEOPLE SHARE ON FACEBOOK FOR ALL MOMS TO ENJOY AND COMMENT ON MY STELLAR RESUME!!

13 responses »

  1. I have an opening for you: convince my children that chuck e cheese is a vile and disgusting place.
    I’ve managed to drop my germophobia on them, but they still want to touch nasty skeeballs and eat imitation cheese. What am I doing wrong?
    Lovely post, as usual.

    Reply
  2. would i be hiring you to run a funny, inetresting blog? or would I be hiring you to make fun of me as I try to run my much lamer blog?

    hialrious. also, I didn;t know I was 10 years older than you. I feel every old, now. Thanks, ace.

    Reply
  3. I would totally hire you based on your ability to give me a good laugh every day!

    Reply
  4. Patricia Kennedy

    Right on Ladyee! Good luck in what ever you choose to do. You deserve it!!!!

    Reply
  5. Kudos to you for using the Billy Madison pic!

    Reply
  6. Oh my God!!! This is sooooo funny… I love the way you have put daily chores as a part of your resume.. It’s something that is sometimes taken for granted… Absolutely loved your post and your sense of humour.. I’m definitely going to read your blog as frequently as I can. God knows everyone needs a good laugh and too much of it never hurt anyone, right? Glad to have found your blog.. :)

    Reply
  7. I’d say you’re more than qualified to do anything you want!

    Reply
  8. I just wanted to tell you that this is a genius post. I love it. I love it a lot. I’d marry it but that dude over at Chick-Fil-A would probably not like it.

    Reply
  9. If an employer could find someone who could do this: “Filled and emptied dishwasher daily, and kept track of approximately 25-40 sippy cups and snack cups, and their corresponding lids” They would be lucky indeed!

    Don’t worry. You’ll be astounded at how busy you manage to be “at home alone” all day!

    Reply
  10. Oh my gosh, that resume is hysterically awesome! I think ours would be along the same vein. I was a SAHM of 4 for 15 yrs then hopped into the work place. Not at all what I expected, but my resume would be similar to yours!!

    Reply

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