Thanks everyone for last week’s outpouring of anger and resentment towards the “Pottery Barn People,” it’s great to know that I am not the only one who finds their catalogue frustrating and disturbing!!
I was so looking forward to today – because I have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to get fully into “beach mode.” Today was a perfect 10 weather-wise and I had nothing planned except relaxing and enjoying myself to the fullest.
I settled in to enjoy the day and was quickly derailed by numerous annoying human beings.
Here’s a quick review of the
TOP TEN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AT THE BEACH:
1 – SPRAY SPF – As soon as I sat down I was met with a gust of wind carrying someone’s SPF 50. Listen everybody – the spray sunscreens don’t work. They spray the person behind you. Period, end of story. For those parents that think they are doing a great job by “spraying their kids with SPF” – you are not. Stop being lazy and stupid – suck it up and rub lotion on your dang kids, so I don’t end up with Water Babies SPF 50 in my mouth.
2 – BAD TATTOOS – I looked up from my book this afternoon for a second and saw the most god-awful tattoo. I understand that everyone isn’t classy like Lady Goo Goo Gaga who has a chinese symbol “tramp stamp” from the 90′s – but really?
We get it – we all have had bad nights where we get blacked-out drunk and make poor choices, but have you heard of a racer back tankini? Cover that shit up.
3 -BEACH ETIQUETTE OFFENDERS: I understand the importance of good beach real estate on a sunny Sunday morning. This is why I wake up on the early side and tell Mr. Gaga he has to go set up “our spot” with 6 beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and all other beach necessities. (Since he’s a great guy – he does it for me.)
After such great organization and efforts from the GAGA household to secure our area – there’s nothing more annoying to arrive at the beach a few hours later to find that people have set up camp mere inches away from our stuff.
Give me some space!! If you decide to sleep in – guess what you are at the back of the beach. Don’t just drop your shit on top of mine. Have some proper beach etiquette!
4 – POOR PREPARATION: – Parents need to bring what their children need to the beach. I would love nothing more than to grab a towel, a magazine and a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Dry oil and head to the beach like I did in my youth.
Those days are over because I have children. So instead, I bring a huge “Wonder Wheeler 2000″ overflowing with toys and then I make the kids carry their huge surfboards and inflatables to ensure they have what they need to be thoroughly entertained.
5 – CHILDREN WHO SAY “I’m Bored.”
So after working so hard to ensure that there are a million toys and inflatable items available for the children, not to mention a huge ocean and endless amounts of sand – there’s nothing more infuriating than whiney annoying children coming up to me while I am trying to relax, and telling me “They are bored.”
I see red.
“You’re bored? Do you know there are children in Kansas that have never even seen a beach?”
“Yeesss,” they say emotionlessly.
“Then don’t say that to me again.”
“We just don’t know what to do!” Michael whines.
“Oh – Ok, then where’s a safety pin,” I say getting up from my chair, “I’ll just pop all these tubes and rafts since you don’t like them anymore.”
“Noo!!!” they will scream making their way back towards the water.
When I get to the beach I am literally dripping with sweat and my arms are about to break off of my body.
DO NOT tell me you are bored.
6 -BEACHED WHALES: This is a strange phenomenon that I notice time and again. Young overweight people lay down at the edge of the water and let the waves crash on to them like they are beached whales. It’s sad because they aren’t playing with other children and they seem like they like the water to crash on to their whale-like bodies and wash their troubles away. I want to go to them and say “Get up!! Swim a lap or two!!! This is how you got into this beached whale situation in the first place!!”
7 - INAPPROPRIATE BEACH ATTIRE - We all know that Speedos are unacceptable. Another offense is men who come to the beach with socks on. Worse than either of those to me is the “Swim-shirt wearing Dad.”
Listen dude – they have invented SPF 70 for Christ’s sakes – there’s no need for this SPF shirt. It’s weird. It’s not flattering. It screams “nerd.” That goes for the women offenders as well.
8 - Jellyfish Criers – I include my kids in this category. Michael came crying to me today for the first of many jellyfish stings this summer. You know how I feel about unnecessary crying. I peered over my US Weekly and looked at his arm, where the sting was.
“Go rub wet sand on it.” I said casually, and attempted to go back to my Tom Kat article.
“NNOOOO!!! ITT HUUUURRRTTTSS!!” he wailed. I threw my magazine in my bag with disgust and played along with his issues.
Look – it’s the Long Island Sound people. This is not JAWS. It’s not even Florida where there are actual “man o wars.”
Suck it up and stop crying.
9 - Small boys with “Man boobs” – I know that childhood obesity is an issue in this country – but today I witnessed a new level of neglect. Two boys were playing in the water that were approximately 10 or 11 and they both had full breasts. It wasn’t just a little bit of excess fat. Apparently high fructose corn syrup + hours of inactivity and video games + hormones in our food = a need for a bikini top.
The poor kids are not to blame – yet again it’s the parents who allow their young boys to walk around with a pair of tits the size of Texas.
10 -PEOPLE WHO BREAK MORE THAN ONE RULE AT A TIME:
There are some people who are multiple offenders and this is just too much. These people should invest in a backyard pool and stay away from the beach.
None of the things on this list will ever deter me from actually going to the beach of course!!! But just love to share and vent!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR THIS BLOG!!