RSS Feed

RULES OF THE BEACH


Thanks everyone for last week’s outpouring of anger and resentment towards the “Pottery Barn People,” it’s great to know that I am not the only one who finds their catalogue frustrating and disturbing!!

I was so looking forward to today – because I have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to get fully into “beach mode.” Today was a perfect 10 weather-wise and I had nothing planned except relaxing and enjoying myself to the fullest.

I settled in to enjoy the day and was quickly derailed by numerous annoying human beings.

Here’s a quick review of the

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AT THE BEACH:

1 – SPRAY SPF – As soon as I sat down I was met with a gust of wind carrying someone’s SPF 50.  Listen everybody – the spray sunscreens don’t work.  They spray the person behind you. Period, end of story.  For those parents that think they are doing a great job by “spraying their kids with SPF” – you are not.  Stop being lazy and stupid – suck it up and rub lotion on your dang kids, so I don’t end up with Water Babies SPF 50 in my mouth.

2 – BAD TATTOOS – I looked up from my book this afternoon for a second and saw the most god-awful tattoo.  I understand that everyone isn’t classy like Lady Goo Goo Gaga who has a chinese symbol “tramp stamp” from the 90’s – but really?

So let me get this straight…You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

We get it – we all have had bad nights where we get blacked-out drunk and make poor choices, but have you heard of a racer back tankini? Cover that shit up.

3 -BEACH ETIQUETTE OFFENDERS: I understand the importance of good beach real estate on a sunny Sunday morning.  This is why I wake up on the early side and tell Mr. Gaga he has to go set up “our spot” with 6 beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and all other beach necessities.  (Since he’s a great guy – he does it for me.)

After such great organization and efforts from the GAGA household to secure our area – there’s nothing more annoying to arrive at the beach a few hours later to find that people have set up camp mere inches away from our stuff.

Give me some space!! If you decide to sleep in – guess what you are at the back of the beach.  Don’t just drop your shit on top of mine.  Have some proper beach etiquette!

4 – POOR PREPARATION: – Parents need to bring what their children need to the beach.  I would love nothing more than to grab a towel, a magazine and a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Dry oil and head to the beach like I did in my youth.

Those days are over because I have children.  So instead,  I bring a huge “Wonder Wheeler 2000″ overflowing with toys and then I make the kids carry their huge surfboards and inflatables to ensure they have what they need to be thoroughly entertained.

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren’t working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff…..

5 – CHILDREN WHO SAY “I’m Bored.”

So after working so hard to ensure that there are a million toys and inflatable items available for the children, not to mention a huge ocean and endless amounts of sand – there’s nothing more infuriating than whiney annoying children coming up to me while I am trying to relax, and telling me “They are bored.”

See the lady in the corner…that’s me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored….

I see red.

“You’re bored? Do you know there are children in Kansas that have never even seen a beach?”

“Yeesss,” they say emotionlessly.

“Then don’t say that to me again.”

“We just don’t know what to do!” Michael whines.

“Oh – Ok, then where’s a safety pin,” I say getting up from my chair, “I’ll just pop all these tubes and rafts since you don’t like them anymore.”

“Noo!!!” they will scream making their way back towards the water.

When I get to the beach I am literally dripping with sweat and my arms are about to break off of my body.

DO NOT tell me you are bored.

6 -BEACHED WHALES: This is a strange phenomenon that I notice time and again.  Young overweight people lay down at the edge of the water and let the waves crash on to them like they are beached whales.  It’s sad because they aren’t playing with other children and they seem like they like the water to crash on to their whale-like bodies and wash their troubles away. I want to go to them and say “Get up!! Swim a lap or two!!! This is how you got into this beached whale situation in the first place!!”

7 – INAPPROPRIATE BEACH ATTIRE – We all know that Speedos are unacceptable.  Another offense is men who come to the beach with socks on.  Worse than either of those to me is the “Swim-shirt wearing Dad.”

Listen dude – they have invented SPF 70 for Christ’s sakes – there’s no need for this SPF shirt.  It’s weird. It’s not flattering. It screams “nerd.” That goes for the women offenders as well.

Look at these two. Nobody should ever look like this in public. It’s just rude to the public, it’s not fair to our eyeballs.

8 – Jellyfish Criers – I include my kids in this category.  Michael came crying to me today for the first of many jellyfish stings this summer.  You know how I feel about unnecessary crying.  I peered over my US Weekly and looked at his arm, where the sting was.

“Go rub wet sand on it.” I said casually, and attempted to go back to my Tom Kat article.

“NNOOOO!!! ITT HUUUURRRTTTSS!!” he wailed.  I threw my magazine in my bag with disgust and played along with his issues.

Look – it’s the Long Island Sound people.  This is not JAWS.  It’s not even Florida where there are actual “man o wars.”

Suck it up and stop crying.

9 – Small boys with “Man boobs” – I know that childhood obesity is an issue in this country – but today I witnessed a new level of neglect.  Two boys were playing in the water that were approximately 10 or 11 and they both had full breasts.  It wasn’t just a little bit of excess fat.  Apparently high fructose corn syrup + hours of inactivity and video games + hormones in our food = a need for a bikini top.

The poor kids are not to blame – yet again it’s the parents who allow their young boys to walk around with a pair of tits the size of Texas.

10 -PEOPLE WHO BREAK MORE THAN ONE RULE AT A TIME:

There are some people who are multiple offenders and this is just too much.  These people should invest in a backyard pool and stay away from the beach.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, Speedo and man boobs. The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

None of the things on this list will ever deter me from actually going to the beach of course!!! But just love to share and vent!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR THIS BLOG!!

About these ads

13 responses »

  1. That was my favorite blog yet! I can totally relate, I also speak to my kids about the poor city children who need to open the fire hydrants for fun. They still tell me they are bored at the beach, at least they are not sunburned and have boobs…lol

    Reply
  2. Aaah the beach. Definitely a place where many a blog post could be written. We once saw someone in a full top to bottom black leotard run across the entire beach, jump in the water and then run off. Head covered and all. Can you picture that?
    Almost, ALMOST scarier than poor Steven Tyler.

    Reply
  3. OMG….cracking up. We live on the west coast we have things called great white sharks maybe we should send in the kids with man boobs and have them swim to safety…I bet that would get them some exercise…Poor Steven as much as I love him this looks is just bad…really. reallly bad

    Reply
  4. ~~~Haaaa,

    I must admit, that tattoo is HORRIBLE & Embarrassing with the smily face. OMgggggg. what a DORK.

    But … I really dig Steven Tyler!! Just saw him in concert and he rocks, man.

    Reply
  5. Other pet peeves
    On the beach… Don’t wear a bikini if u r not skinny….
    People who don’t secure their umbrellas and they fly away and impale others…

    Reply
  6. OMG Hilarious!!! I cracked up with the “Swim Shirt Wearing Dad” I live in Miami and we get a BUNCH of tourists wearing them…. Let me add another Beach Don’t to the list : Women who’s boobs hang to their bellies and feel they need to “South Beach It” and go topless…. Eww ok! No one needs to see your saggy boobs resting on top of your out of shape stomachs… go find your beached whale friends and swim a few laps together!

    Mama Kat’s Writing Prompts sent me here :)

    Reply
  7. Love it….I’ve never thought about this because we don’t live close to the beach..but you are so right…great post!!!!

    Reply
  8. How about the people who plop themselves down on an uncrowded beach right smack in front of you WHILE YOU ARE SITTING THERE. And then take out a camera long enough to shoot into the next town, set up klieg lights and photograph their entire family for the next hour. I kid you not, this happened on our last beach vacation, not just once but twice with the same obnoxious family. It took all my self-control not to throw that camera in the ocean.

    Reply
  9. The last time we went to the beach, my husband and I had barely set up our spot when two women with about six kids between them showed up and started laying out things CLEARLY in our space. I moved over a couple feet and they spread into my space AGAIN. My husband was ready to get into a confrontation with them because they were acting like we were invisible. I understand they were a big group, but we weren’t taking up much room and we were there first!

    Reply
  10. This is so incredibly funny because it’s so true. I haven’t even taken my kids to the pool in years, let alone the beach. It’s just too disturbing. ;)

    Reply
  11. Pingback: A small retraction and more tales from the beach…. « Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  12. OMG, awesome. I have so so many pet peeves. My biggest one is that nature can be a cruel, cruel bitch. For example, to set an unmatched heat wave over my town AND to open a new seniors center on my block in the same weekend. Half naked, wrinkled overweight bodies **everywhere**. Get the mind bleach, this image needs to be cleaned of my retinas.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,792 other followers

%d bloggers like this: