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Tom Hanks was wrong…


There is crying in baseball. 

A lot of crying.

There is also playdate crying, LEGO crying, swim crying, bike riding crying….it’s endless.

That’s all these whinge-bag boys do around here is cry.

Growing up I remember once playing with the kids on my street, and my brother was getting pushed around by one of the older boys (today we would say he was “being bullied.”) One day, my brother couldn’t take it anymore and he started crying while doing a crazy windmill like motion with his arms towards the bully.

I don’t remember how it ended, but the only thing I remember is the crazy windmill move (it was weird and kind of funny) and the crying (it was rare.)

Today little boys cry with reckless abandon.  They don’t gives two shits.  They just cry and cry. 

They don’t care who sees them.  

They don’t care if people think they are cry-babies or sissies.

I think little boys should cry if they have a valid reason, as they are young children and clearly shouldn’t have to hide their emotions because they are boys.

Valid reasons include: injuries, legitimate fears or concerns, hurt feelings by a friend, etc.

Invalid reasons would be I don’t know……not liking swimming lessons or getting a strike at baseball.

We started a new swim school a couple of weeks ago.  My thinking was last time I spent $400.00 and Sam cried every single day, and perhaps if we tried a more low-key program for half the price we would have better results (emotionally, anyways – I have pretty much given up on the swimming part.)

The kids were in separate classes so upon arrival, Michael headed off to the deeper end of the pool and Sam stayed in the shallow end with a younger group. 

Michael is a much better swimmer than Sam, with 18 months and an extra year of swimming lessons on him, so I was most concerned with Sam’s abilities on the first day. 

I breathed a sigh of relief when Sam waved at me with a huge smile and jumped into the pool.  I sat down to relax a bit in front of the viewing window.

But wait, why was Michael being escorted by his teen swimming coach towards the viewing window in tears?

I stood up to greet him and the college girl at the door.

“What’s the problem Michael?”

“I’m sinking!!! I am going to sink!” he cried in hysterics.

I looked at the teacher expectantly – who was frankly doing nothing to help the situation.

“Is he sinking?” I asked.

“No – he just needs to calm down…..” she said hesitantly.

“He can swim, he must just be nervous.” I assured her.  I looked down at Michael and spoke in my famous “fake nice mommy voice.”

“You can swim, your teacher won’t let you sink – you are just rusty, now go to your lesson.”

5 minutes later they were back.

“What now?” I asked impatiently as I whipped open the door.

“He has to use the bathroom.” the teacher explained.

“No you don’t – now stop it and finish your lesson,” I said to Michael between gritted teeth.

“Yes – I really have to go!” he said wiggling around.

I grabbed his arm so hard it almost came out of the socket and dragged him to the door to the boys bathroom.

“Get inside and go to the bathroom and hurry up.  You better be out here in one minute.” I yelled at him.

I stood waiting outside the door with smoke pouring out of my ears.

Tick. Tock.

A couple of minutes went by.  I opened the door and called inside, “Michael what is the hold-up?” 

No answer.

“Michael – so help me God – you better hurry up and get out here or you will be punished for a month.” I screamed like a lunatic with no regard for young men walking by me and witnessing my insanity.

No answer.

“MICHAEL!!!” I screeched.

“What????” he answered.

“Hurry up!!!!!”

“I’m pooping.” he called back.

I actually looked around for something I could smash into a million pieces, but couldn’t find anything, so had to resort to more inappropriate screaming.

“Michael – you better hurry up – this is not an appropriate time to poop!!!!” I screamed.

He finally moseyed out in tears again about sinking.

I dragged him by the arm over to the teacher. She was in for it too.

“Oookaaayyy, he is no longer allowed to speak to me during swimming lessons.”

“Well if he says he needs to use the bathroom we are obligated to bring him.” she answered curtly.

“Well he just took a huge shit for twenty minutes so he’s good.  Do you think he can like learn to swim or something?” I answered shortly and turned on my heel.

Needless to say his pooping and crying landed him in Sam’s class.  He got demoted.

At least he doesn’t cry anymore.

And at least I have straight vodka to drink when I get home from these little activities.

And thank you Jesus for giving me a job that requires me to work a lot on weekends.  Because of this I have missed a lot of Michael’s baseball season.

I was recently able to catch a full game.

Let’s just say it is very lucky that it is MR. and not MRS. Gaga that is the coach of this team of fat and lazy children.

Many of these losers can be frequently found laying down or “looking for mushrooms” in the outfield actually during the game!!!!

You are probably asking “what do their parents say?”

Ohh!

Their parents say nothing!!

Their parents are very busy on the sidelines on their Blackberries and Iphones playing “Words with Friends” and updating their Facebook status to read “At Ethan’s baseball game!! We are so proud of him!!

The thought wouldn’t cross their minds to actually look up and WATCH THE GAME and NOTICE THEIR WRETCHED CHILD’S INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR!

The moms who are off in the shade watching the game quietly – are the ones who kids are actually good.

The parents who show up in Vineyard Vines attire and a huge Tommy Bahama beach chair with a matching sun umbrella are the ones to watch out for.

This dad of one of the players, put his iPhone in his pocket for a minute, looked up and realized that his son was in the outfield picking flowers and had also shit his pants, so he quickly got back on his phone again……

Those moms in the Lily Pulitzer attire at the game are the ones who will say “Oh we are so busy with Hunter! He has tennis and golf on Mondays and Tuesdays, karate on Wednesdays and baseball on Thursdays and Saturdays!!”

I am quite tempted to say “Oh really – is that Hunter? The fat kid who just ran from 3rd base to 2nd? The one Mr. Gaga told me pooped in his pants during the last game?” That’s super that he plays 3 sports!! You must be the best mother in the whole town!!!!

These kids not only shit their pants, and look for mushrooms instead of catching the ball.  They are known for crying when they get tagged out and crying when they don’t get a hit.  They also will refuse to leave the field when they are clearly out, because they DON’T WANT TO, and if they do leave the field against their wishes, they will take their batting helmet and smash it as hard as they can (which isn’t very hard because they are pathetic, doughy wusses) against the fence or onto the ground.

To add insult to injury – at the end of this horrorfest – the score?

It’s a tie.

Every game.

No matter what.

Because…….

“If you had fun….you won.”

Can you believe this horse shit?

THAT’S NOT TRUE!!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S NOT FUN?

WHEN YOU SUCK DONKEY BALLS…..

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS NOT FUN???

WHEN SOME STUPID LOSER KID HAS A TEMPER TANTRUM BECAUSE HE CAN’T HIT THE BALL SO HE THROWS HIS BATTING HELMET OVER THE FENCE AND IT HITS MICHAEL IN THE HEAD…..

At some point these children in America are going to have to experience a loss, to understand what it is to be defeated, to possibly be inspired to do better or to stop looking for mushrooms, so that they can WIN!!!

Because in real life when you spend your entire lesson time or game time taking a shit and crying – guess what?

YOU SINK TO THE BOTTOM OR YOU LOSE THE GAME.

I think fellow mom blogger Momma Kiss said it best when she was shocked to find that most parents wouldn’t let their 7-year-olds play dodgeball because it was “too rough.” She wrote:

“I mean really – the pussification of boys these days.”

Enough said.

If you like this loving blog post about how I scream at my children and call other children fat losers, then please share on Facebook!!  ALSO -ANY LIKES ON FACEBOOK WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!! XOXOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

38 responses »

  1. I agree and I disagree. I was raised old school. I didnt cry a lot, if at all. I have no relationship with my sister and my relationship with my parents has the warm of a snow cone in Antarctica.

    I think kids should play whatever sport they want until they dont want to play it or another talents overtakes that talent.

    I live with 4 women. They cry a lot.Sometimes its warranted, sometimes they’re just candyasses. I just provide the shoulder to soak on and hope they get over it soon.

    Reply
  2. Preach it sister. Between two sons I have had the *honor* of attending 42 Little League games from March until this last weekend. A rusty nail in my eyeball would have been more fun most days. I would pour myself such a LARGE glass of wine after aforementioned games that I would have to sip off of the top of the glass before taking it off of the counter to avoid spillage. Praise Robert Mondavi and Kendall Jackson the the season is over. Parents on smartphones at games drive me cuckoo bananas. BE PRESENT! And yes, children that cry need to stop. Once you can talk you cannot cry over petty crap. New rule.

    Reply
  3. You know I’m with ya on this whole topic. Bit the graphic of tommy & Gisele? That’s perfection right there.

    Reply
  4. I’m stopping by from Monday Mingle.

    You have some interesting thoughts. I agree that boys cry about everything now days, and I definitely don’t like how sports are being handled. It’s not just the boys, though. Girls in this country can’t handle any bit of failure, either. All children need to be inspired to do better in my opinion.

    Reply
  5. Can we introduce our boys? ‘cuz they would be fast friends.
    I took Jules to a bd party yesterday and he cried more than he did anything else. And swimming lessons, yeah…it’s like I wrote that post right there.

    Reply
  6. Okay, LMAO about the pooping during the expensive swim lessons. That is my life right down to yanking the arm and speaking through gritted teeth. Oh thank you for making me feel normal this a.m.

    That said, I have four boys who are crybabies and just getting into sports. I’m sure other parents don’t appreciate my 6 y.o. kicking up dirt while standing still during soccer games. But I tend to agree with you. It shouldn’t be JUST about showing up. It should be about trying a little, too.

    Reply
  7. I agree with everything you posted. I was thinking this just the other day when I watched some kids in a karate class – My daughter will be starting shortly and I watched every single boy in that class except for one cry like little bitches. while the girls the girls were out there kicking ass an totally concentrated. It is very sad that they no longer play dodge ball because the kids might get hurt tough shit get up and suck it up some pf these kids have become such wimps and I am sorry to say most of them are the boys.

    Reply
  8. leslie johnson

    LADY!!!!!!!!! my sister swears I must write this Blog and do it under the name Googoo Gaga
    I think we live the same life…2 boys…17 months apart…who do apparently EVERYTHING your boys do including but not limited to ridiculous crying about nothing, tearing my heels up with a shopping cart etc. And lets not even get started on the Mister in this saga!!!!! Love your posts, keep them coming.

    Reply
  9. –I don’t know what the hell happened at the freaking games…I was reading Lolita at the time sipping Merlot.
    Haa

    Reply
  10. Yes. Yes. And yes. Isn’t a game, by definition, an event in which there is a WIN-NER and a LOSE-R? It’s part of life. Better to learn in now than have their worlds come crumbling down around them at the first intramural softball game in college.

    Reply
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  12. I don’t have kids, but this post makes me feel a little less bad about calling my six year old niece an asshole in my blog. What else do you call someone who rams their grape jelly fingers in your eyeball until it’s red and watery? I call it an asshole, that’s what.

    Reply
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  14. I just love this. If I didn’t know you, sort of, I would think you’re an inconsiderate, cruel, soul less mother. But no, I love you for it!! It’s about damn time people make their kids ‘nut it up’ from time to time. GEEZE! This is hilarious.

    Reply
  15. At my son’s 6th bday party, we were at a sports place and I chose to have them play dodgeball. NO ONE KNEW HOW TO PLAY. I finally gave up and told them to play soccer. WTF? How has America given up on dodgeball already?

    Reply
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  22. really? getting that angry over swimming lessons that you are not even participating in? i can only imagine the other retarded stories you have.. poor kids.

    Reply
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